- Everyone ready for Science Class with Farrah? “Water is a little bit more heavier than gravity”. BOOM. KNOWLEDGE DROPPED ON YOUR ASSES. Farrah has decided to fly out her Stay-4-Pay boyfriend Simon to her family trip in Hawaii. This should go well. Simon’s probably excited to get a bonus check for dealing with Debra and Farrah plus a per diem for being on location. I know I say this every week, but considering the bevy of out-of-work actors available, how come Farrah couldn’t find a fake boyfriend who would at least pretend to not shudder every time he looks at her?
- It’s a good thing that Amber’s executive assistant Matt is around to let her know when she’s seeing her kid, because otherwise how would she know? Also, Amber has a bevy of disorders but yet she thinks her life would be easier with a fulltime child. Mmmkay.
“She’s never won a Super Bowl in her life, so how’d she get that ring?” -Manfriend before he gave up on life watching this show with me and stormed out of the room.
- Maci and Taylor need to move into a new house and Taylor wants to get it done before Maci gives birth. They should talk to Shannon Beador (13 DAYS!) about quick moves. You guys? I’m #turnt on Maci. She was one of the only sane ones on this show for years, but her fake “didn’t realize I was 5 months pregnant” storyline has ruined all that for me. These people are not professional actors (as evidenced by the horrible voiceovers they all give) and asking them to deliver Daytime Emmy worthy performance isn’t fair to themselves and it isn’t fair to us. Just own up to drinking a little during your pregnancy, Maci. I’d respect you more for it. Also, does anyone else get furious when reality shows don’t bother to do crossover episodes? Any time a reality star gets married and doesn’t get their dress at Kleinfelds, I’m instantly put off. It’s the same thing here with Maci. They really couldn’t do an episode of House Hunters featuring Maci and her pube-bearded beaux? My HGTV obsession is making me irritated that we’ve only seen one house and no one has mentioned needing an “open concept” or a “mancave”.
- Catelynn bought a $3,000 pig so now she has to check herself into a treatment center, because obviously there’s a problem. Tyler is an asshat who makes stupid comments a lot, but ultimately he loves Cate and wants what’s best for her and for Nova which I respect. They also all need to stop smoking pot for a bit. I say this as a highly functioning alcoholic who supports legalizing weed, but being stoned is not helping Catelynn’s mental health and in the last two episodes alone we’ve seen her get stoned in her car and drive off. Not. Cool. Also? April is a terrible mother and a huge enabler.
This is MTV’s cartoon depiction of depression. Manfriend has named him “Bummer” and wants to get a plushy version for our son.
- Gary refers to himself as “the big elephant in the room”. Turns out, someone on this show is actually self-reflective! Also- birthdays should come before custody agreements. Both parents should get to see their kid on said kid’s birthday, and if it’s the parent’s birthday and they want to see their kid, they should be able to. Sidenote: Never ever EVER throw me a surprise party. I have control issues like whoa and I would be so pissed. It’s nice of Matt to get Amber’s cellmate to come to the party. I flip flop on Matt every week. I think, ultimately, he’s good for her and cares about her, but he’s also got a freaky fanboy stalker thing about him. Have you guys ever seen the documentary about the crazed fans of 1980’s pop sensation Tiffany? It’s called “I Think We’re Alone Now” and it used to be on Netflix. SO GOOD. (I checked and it’s not on there anymore but totally worth the jail time if you decide to illegally download it.)
- I like Michael. I think he’s the only sane person in this family. His girlfriend seems nice too. Sophia’s only shot is if Farrah and Debra die in a plane crash, and even then she might be too far gone. Oh- and Farrah doesn’t feel the need to be “in love with” Simon, she just wants it to work. Kinda like how I’m not in love with my plumber, but I’ve hired him to do a job and I expect him to follow through on his commitments. Have you guys ever had that person you work with whose very existence gets on your every last nerve? (I’m looking at you, office manager who feels the need to talk to me when I’m in the bathroom.) Farrah is like this with her mother. Debra can say “Hey Farrah”, and Farrah will rip her a new asshole. Larry the producer really should have let them go on The Mother-Daughter Experiment. If only so that I could have the pleasure of seeing Kim Richards, Heidi Montag, Courtney Stodden, and Farrah all in the same room.
- You guys? Which came first, Farrah’s total lack of self-awareness and delusion; or her surrounding herself with paid sycophants? She seems to have no idea how inappropriate and rude she is, and people (I’M LOOKING AT YOU DR. DREW) keep letting her get away with it. Everyone who keeps her company is paid to be there. I refuse to believe otherwise. And Sophia is a hostage/lost cause. Last night Manfriend said, “Farrah would be really pretty without all the work she’s had done. And also if she never spoke and was a totally different person.” I also love how nonchalant Simon is on the motorcycle. He’s like, “uh, I could get my stuff, but I’ve got this bike, so….” Oh, and in case you’re playing along at home? Farrah is not upset. FARRAH IS NEVER UPSET.
- On twitter last night, I called Catelynn’s therapist a “bowl of mashed potatoes”. I regret this statement because it’s exceptionally unfair. Mashed potatoes are awesome and this lady is powdered milk in a bag. She also doesn’t seem to know the clinical expression “co-occurring disorders” and instead makes reference to “duel issues”. What kind of insurance does MTV provide? I’m pretty sure that reality stars are ineligible to become members of SAG, which provides benefits, so that would be on MTV’s shoulders, right? Or maybe this just speaks to the quality of mental health professionals in the greater Detroit area, but I don’t want to generalize. Anyhow, Catelynn’s therapist is awful. My apologies to all bowls of mashed potatoes for implying that you are also awful. You aren’t awful. You’re glorious.
- Do you think Amber hooked up with her cellmate while they were in jail? I don’t mean that in a judgmental way, but in an “I would totally hook up with my cellie if I were in jail for over a year cuz’ a lady’s got needs” sort of way.
-Me, whenever I’m home alone…
- I talk a lot of shit, but I want to applaud Catelynn for going and getting help. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have a problem and even more strength to do something about said problem. I can’t imagine leaving my kid for an indeterminate amount of time, but she’s got to do it to get herself right. And when Tyler started crying in the car it made me cry.
Quick question based on the commercial break I’m watching: have there really been that many people clamoring for another Bridget Jones movie? And can we even call it part of the original series since Renee’s face has changed enough to basically qualify as a casting change? (i.e. if you have a car but over time you replace all of the parts, is it still the same car?)
Bonus Thought: Ryan gets the award for Most Improved. He seems to get a long great with Maci and Bentley and hasn’t pitched a fit once this season. Good on ya’, Ryan.
10thoughts written by Liz