In this week’s edition of “Beggars can’t be Choosers”, Dolores is upset to come home and find that Frank has brought in a crew to give her kitchen a “face lift”.  Dolores feels “bamboozled” because she wanted to gut the kitchen and start over, but Frank is just sanding and painting the cabinets white instead.  I’m so curious about Dolores’s relationship with Frank.  He seems to completely support her even though they are divorced.  Siggy comes over to inspect the damage and though she also feels like Dolores shouldn’t be beholden to Frank in this way, Siggy knows not to kick a girl while she’s down, so she says nothing.  Also?  A full kitchen reno can cost tens of thousands of dollar, so Frank is right to just handle the aesthetics, considering it’s not his house.  Just ask Briana over on the OC ($50,000 full home renovation, my ass).

Dolores and Siggy head on over to Jacqueline’s house to hear about Jacq’s night with Teresa.  Like I said last week, I firmly believe that Jacqueline has been asked to be the villain this year in exchange for the sweet Bravo paycheck, and as such, she started some major shit with Teresa last week.  But I do believe her and can hear Jacqueline’s frustration with Teresa bringing up #Deckgate even though they’ve made up three times since then.  Siggy calls Jacqueline out for pushing Teresa’s buttons as much as Teresa was pushing Jacqueline’s.  I think the producers have to hate Siggy and her peacemaking ways by now.

For the record, Jacqueline should NOT have called JoeGorga.  That was petty, and mean, and potentially very damaging to the Gorga/Guidice family.  Jacqueline is a terrible villain, you guys.  Even Melissa is shocked that Jacq called JoeGorga as she’s never had an issue with Jacqueline before.  Also?  Melissa thinks the phrase is “nip it in the butt”, which is cute.

Someone in a particular facebook group of mine floated the theory that Teresa keeps doing yoga on camera to promote a new line of yoga related something and I think that’s probably right.  Otherwise, chill Tre.  We get it.  You are super stretchy now.

tre yoga

Psychological question of the 21st century- which came first, Milania’s dictator-like behavior, or JuicyJoe’s parenting of Milania?  Teresa begs Juicy to be gentle with the girls and to remember that they are not boys.  Possibly controversial statement?  I think Juciy is good with the girls.  Except for when he’s calling them fat.  Okay, maybe he’s not that great.  Juicy is good with Milania.  Except for when he’s calling her fat.  Okay, fine…I take back what I said.  However, I do believe that Juicy and Milania are the true love story of this series.

Once again, I feel the need to point out that Jacqueline is a terrible villain.  She doesn’t wear this hat with any strength or gravitas.  Melissa has every right to be upset with Jacqueline for calling JoeGorga.  I can sort of get where Jacq is coming from and can see why she would insist on “going to the source”, but with the exception of Jim MarCrazy last season, the husbands  usually don’t get involved with the ladies drama on this iteration of Housewives.  Jacqueline should have apologized for calling JoeGorga because it was a weird and manipulative thing to do.  Even if her intentions were good, for the sake of her friendship with Melissa, Jacqueline needs to stop defending her bizzaro actions and just apologize!

I love Siggy.  I love her vibe, I love her adorable parents, I love how she called Jacqueline out for pushing Teresa’s buttons, I love that she’s clearly trying her best with all of the people in her life.  I worry though, that she’s too good of a person to be on this show.  I want to say that she would have been better on earlier seasons when the stakes weren’t so high, but Jersey has always been big on the dramatics (#ProstitutionWhore).  She kind of reminds me of Jamie from Jersey Belle, which was the show where NJ transplant Jamie Primak Sullivan lived in Alabama and everyone on that show was super nice; the women behaved like adults,were kind and polite and so naturally that show was canceled after the first season.  And in Jersey Belle fashion, Siggy is a breath of fresh air.  She’s a palate cleanser for the Jacqueline/Teresa scenes.  She will be the demise of this franchise.


Anyhow, Siggy’s parents come over and she asks them how to get her kids more connected to their family and traditions.  Siggy’s parents biggest suggestion is “eat dinner together as a family”.  I love this advice.  I think it’s so important for families to get together and check in at the end of the day.  My mom, my sister, and I ate dinner together every night and we are ridiculously close.  We also learn that Siggy never had a Bat Mitzvah because it wasn’t customary for girls to go through that at the time. Siggy accurately describes this as “sexist”.

Like I said- I’m not a fan of Jacquevillain.  But I’m a huge fan of Jacquenfamilia and when Ashley’s* boyfriend Pete told Jacqueline that he wanted her to go with him when he shops for engagement rings, I instantly teared-up.  Now that I’m a parent, I cry any time another parent cries.  Pete seems like a really nice guy and Ashley hasn’t been shitty once this season, so I applaud him for being a stabilizing force in her life.  And, as we all know now, they are expecting their first child together so mazel tov to the happy couple**.

*As a reminder, I refuse to acknowledge that Ashley changed the spelling of her name.

**edit- it’s taken me long enough to edit this article that Ashley and Pete have had their baby.  Congrats to the new parents!

The Teresa Guidice Malapropism of the episode: She thought an “enema” was called an “edamame”.  That’s the shit we’re here for, Tre!  Keep up the good work.


JoeGorga and Melissa visit Teresa and Juicy for dinner and Teresa loses her zen when Melissa asks about Jacqueline.  Teresa is done with Jacq.  She calls her “evil”, which is Teresa’s go-to insult when she’s arguing with someone.  Remember when Melissa wore a red dress to the reunion and Teresa called her “the devil”?  JoeGorga and Melissa are in a tough spot here because they have maintained a relationship with the Laurita’s, whereas their relationship with the Guidice’s has a much rougher history, but is family.

The next scene is Dolores asking Frank for a budget to renovate her house ($10-20k a room), and I sort of care because I love home renovation shows, but I can’t stop staring at Frank Jr.  I know I am not the only adult woman having this problem.  Frank Jr. is a 17 year old classically good looking, crooner style hunk.  Like, ridiculously good looking but he’s technically a minor.  They should have waited a year to add Dolores to the show so that we all wouldn’t feel so dirty.

Siggy (who doesn’t know who Andrew Jackson is?!) has decided that once or twice a month, the family is going to get together for “Kiddush”.  Kiddush is “a ceremony of prayer and blessing over wine, performed by the head of a Jewish household at the meal ushering in the Sabbath (on a Friday night) or a holy day, or at the lunch preceding it” (according to the interwebs).  We get to meet Siggy’s sister Iris when she comes over for the Kiddush and Siggy’s delightful parents are there as well.  Siggy’s dad’s name is Mordecai, which is badass.  Siggy’s parents don’t expect their children and grandchildren to be “SuperJews”, but want everyone to get together on Friday nights to light candles and have Kiddush together.  As a non-SuperChristian, I appreciate this.

sophiecuntRemember Sophie, sarcasm is only becoming on bitter 30+ year old recappers.

Siggy’s kids are being real shits about Kiddush.  Sophie sarcastically talks about how happy she is to be missing plans for this and Josh says the conversation is “boring the hell out of [him]”.  My Catholic nana would have slapped the sass right out of their Non-SuperJew mouths.

Teresa gets the girls and Juicy to sit down for a “family meeting” where she passes out pens and paper, asking them all to write down what they want to see fixed in their family.  Milania immediately requests that she be an only child.  I fucking love Milania.  While she was away, Teresa tells us she “got in tune of how to deal with” her feelings and now Teresa claims to be the therapist of her family.  Gia, inarguably the most mature Guidice whoever Guidice’d, does not agree.

Milania wants everyone to stop calling her fat.  First of all, you should never call a kid fat, but especially not a little girl.  And you really shouldn’t give a little girl like Milania more resentment to harbor because you’ll just pay for it later when she takes over the world.  Gia accuses her mom of overreacting to situations (I’m telling you, Gia knows what’s up) which is an accusation that Teresa promptly over reacts to.

nofearYou bet your ass she’s got to go first.  #NoFear #Milania4SupremeRuler

I’m confused about the timeline here.  Milania’s birthday is February 2nd, but Teresa wasn’t off house arrest until the 5th of February, and we already saw Juicy cut the ankle bracelet off?  I get that the editors have to play around to make a cohesive storyline, but this seems like an unnecessary switcheroo. Why, Bravo producers?  Why?  That said, indoor skydiving with the family is a great low-key birthday.

Again, Jacqueline in her natural habitat, aka being sweet with her family, is my preference on this show.  I get that there has to be a villain, but when it’s Jacq, that means these sweet moments get dulled a bit.  Ring shopping with soon-to-be-son-in-law Pete was a heartwarming family scene and Jacqueline shines in it.  She cautions Pete against a huge diamond since Ashley and he are just starting out, but Pete picks out a 3 carat stunner anyhow.  I hate diamons but I like Pete.  He seems like just the kind of guy you would want marrying your daughter.  However, diamonds are a total racket and we all really need to stop supporting that industry.

Milania asking her dad about how long he’s going to be “at camp” was heartbreaking.  It’s the first time I’ve seen a sober Juicy look like he wants to cry.  Gia and Audriana are Teresa’s kids, whereas Gabriella looks like she was some switched at birth child who is desperately plotting her escape, and Milania is a mini-juicy. Later, when she’s arrested for war crimes and questioned by psychoanalysts, it will be Milania’s father’s absence that is at the root of it all.


Holy fuck this show is depressing this season.  Between the Laurita’s financial struggles, Tre & Juicy’s “camp” sessions, and Dolores’s dying dog Boo, it’s kind of painful to watch.  Whatever happened to the Housewives opulence?  Sure, Jersey has always centered more on the crazy that is family dynamics, but we are sorely lacking the fun this season.  I desperately need some Manzo brother hijinks up in this joint.  Anyhow, Dolores is getting her kitchen remodeled which is resulting in her absence from the gym she’s supposed to be running with business partner Maz.  Dolores is lacking the motivation to be financially independent since her ex-husband Frank still foots the bill for her lifestyle.  Question- has she dated anyone since Frank?  Or is that part of the deal?  I need to know more about this arrangement.  Siggy, as per usual, gives the best advice she can and begs Dolores to take the gym seriously; after all- Frank could cut her off tomorrow!  I’d bet that the financial deal will change up a bit when Frank’s kids are no longer living with their mother.

Teresa is the queen bee of this franchise.  Obviously.  They waited over a year to start filming just so that she could be back on the show.  But there’s a big difference between top dog and producer-lite cast member.  Can you imagine if the NYC girls asked Bethenny to go on a spa weekend to repair her relationship with Sonja or Luann?  How quickly would that get shut down by B?  I appreciate Teresa knowing where her bread is buttered and agreeing to show up and film with Jacqueline because that’s her fucking job.

In RealLife, Bethenny’s approach makes more sense.  If you don’t like someone, why would you spend time with them?  But contrary to what Casey and Danielle from the podcast BitchSesh may think, this is manufactured “reality” and everyone has a job to do.

And lastly, every time I hear Tre read aloud, it reminds me that I’m still shocked they let Teresa read for the audiobook portion of her latest memoir.

Recap written by Liz