Full disclosure, I did not watch last week’s episode. Mostly because Kerry told me it was a snooze, but at this point, I’m so far behind on recaps and #10thoughts that I literally don’t have an extra 42 minutes to spare to catch up on an episode I’m not even recapping. So if anything seems wrong or disjointed in this article, that’s why. Or maybe I’m just very, very drunk. One can never truly tell with me.
- I want to state for the record that I like Shannon. I think she is incredibly good television and I would sorely miss her if she left. I want nice things for Shannon, and I know she seems to think David is a nice thing, but I must state for the record that in my opinion, he is not a nice thing. I get that everyone was on a high from last week’s episode where he finally Went Big, but honestly? I don’t even think the vow renewal was his idea. Go with me here- this is a man who thought a Texas Roadhouse-ish restaurant would be an appropriate birthday dinner spot for the wife he had only so recently reconciled with after an affair. That’s David’s idea of the right thing to do. David is not an over-the-top vow renewal type of person. But do you know who ARE? Bravo’s production staff. Nobody loves a vow renewal like Bravo. David will absolutely cheat again and I highly doubt the affair we know about was the first person he was with outside of his marriage. Again, I want nice things for Shannon and David Beador is not a nice thing.
Also, much like Briana, I only know who Merv Giffin is because of the Seinfeld episode. And much like Vicki, my prayers were also answered when Briana came back to the OC. #Brianaismyspiritanimal
- Ya’ll know how I feel about the word Slut. You know I think it’s vile and that I think it’s one of the worst derogatory slurs you can call a woman, and some of you may have even been witness to the many late night alcohol fueled twitter or facebook fights I’ve gotten into over my feelings on the subject. That said- there is a difference between using a word and saying a word, which is why it didn’t bother me at all to hear Briana call these Vicki’s “slutty years”. Because she meant it in the best possible way and was applauding her mother’s right to have safe consensual sex with any person or people that she wants. I feel like Briana was saying the word, and not using the word in a way to harm or insult her mother. And lastly, Briana is sort of my ride-or-die from the franchise and thus I’m exceedingly biased.
- Weren’t Heather and some other ladies-who-lunch planning on opening a restaurant? Wasn’t that briefly mentioned during Heather’s first season? I need to go back rewatch. Oh, and I guess I should mention that we are once again beating the “Terry is an absentee father” dead horse. Terry has been to only one extra-curricular kid activity in the last six months and thinks possibly, maybe, theoretically, he can stop working weekends and come home for dinner. NOPE. Terry Debrow is God’s Sparkliest Angel and daughter Max can fuck right off with her sad empty chair pics. It’s daddy’s time to shine!
- Kelly is cuckoo bananas. Kelly is a giant bowl of fruit loops. Kelly is vintage looney tunes. And I. Am. Loving. It. I know that’s a controversial statement. I know she’s a terrible person and people really truly hate her. I get it, I really do. But that text message and winky-tongue-out-emoji was fantastic. She is never sober for longer than two minutes, and she’s the only person who has gotten Heather Debrow to snap in recent memory. Kelly’s marriage and home life is something from a David Lynch movie, and I am eating her up like a bag of taco flavored doritos.
- How did Tamra not know it was also Briana’s birthday? I thought they were off-screen homies. Also, can we talk about the bizarre gifts Kelly bought Briana and Vicki? The serving tray thing for Briana’s house was odd, considering her house is under an extreme renovation and it will be months to a year before Briana is entertaining guests, and that hat was Ug. Lee. Did Kelly just stop at a T.J. Maxx on the way to Merv Griffin’s house to pick these gifts up? Actually, I’m doing a disservice to the fine folks at T.J. Maxx. That hat was definitely from the Ross- Dress for Less collection.
And yes, for those playing along at home, I sobbed on the train when Ryan showed up. Seeing those kids leap into their dad’s arms was too much for me. Manfriend is a stay-at-home-dad and the thought of him being away from my son for any extended period of time makes me cry.
- Damn that Heather Debrow, always trying to “hierarchy” Kelly Dodd. Anyone else want a show where it’s just Kelly Dodd and Teresa Guidice reading global news stories? Kelly is a real life SNL character, and if she weren’t on a television show, I’d say she’s perfectly capable of going to the glamous (glampus? Dolmas?) and refraining from cursing. As someone with a notorious potty mouth, but who knows how to turn it on and off, I’d usually say that Kelly would be fine. But Kelly has been brought to us by the Bravo producers to burn this show to the mother flipping ground and wash it clean of Scamcer ™. Will there be alcohol? Because if so, there will absolutely be cursing.
- I’m excited about Heather and Kelly going to lunch. I love it when both housewives are insistent that they’ve done nothing wrong to the other and a third housewife has to wrangle them. I also love disastrous reconciliation lunches, so this is going to be tailor made for me. As we speculated a couple of weeks ago, I still think the reason Heather is so upset with Kelly is that Heather doesn’t want to be on this damn show in the first place (remember that Terry, aka Princess Unicorn Sparkles, forged her signature on the application) and Kelly is a next-level garbage person. The fact that Heather is not only being forced into conflict, but also forced into the same physical space with someone like Kelly is probably too much for her to bear. I think if Kelly is offered a second season, Heather will quit. Which is a bummer, because I actually like RageyHeather and Kelly is the first one since Shannon Beador and the chick who ate the bow off Heather’s cake to bring the fire out in Lady Debrow.
- AHHHAHAHAHAHAH! I love that Shannon felt the need to let us know exactly WHO got pregnant on day three of her honeymoon with David, because really, there are so many possible options. Was it the front desk clerk of their hotel? Was it a hula dancer? Turns out it was Shannon herself, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a 16 year old dead-eyed fatherless child roaming the streets of Maui. And thank you, David Beador for ruining both guacamole and hot tubs for me.
Ew. Just, Ew.
Side note: “DrunkLiz is an easier person to pretend to be friends with than SoberLiz” is officially in the running for my personal tagline.
- Kelly ordering a Pellegrino is probably a good move on her part, but it’s disappointing for me as a viewer. Also disappointing? Heather not owning her shit. Heather wouldn’t admit to shouting “LEAVE!” in Kelly’s face and Heather denied saying she didn’t want her kids around Kelly. We some quick video evidence contradicting these statements. I don’t think Heather did anything wrong, and she should have the balls to say that. No, it wasn’t her party, but Kelly’s behavior was out of control and someone needed to tell her to GTFO. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting your kids around a drunken liability. Own your shit, Debrow!
- Kelly Dodd is Kim Richards-level broken. These are women with serious substance abuse issues and they both have no control over their emotions. This show is going to be severely detrimental to Kelly’s already diminished mental health if she stays on for another season, mark my words. That said, I am enjoying the ride. Also- I’ve had just about enough of the housewives freaking out over someone “attacking [their] integrity”. Bitch, you are on a Bravo show that glorifies opulence and bad behavior. You can’t attack something that doesn’t exist.
Bonus Thought: Tamra positing the question “Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?” to herself is, in a word, hilarious. Tamra, you can’t keep your mouth shut because being a shit-stirrer is the truest you that you can do. I don’t care what deity you pray to now, this is who you are and where would we be without you? That said, Tamra looks insanely good. I mean it- she has never looked better. I truly believe that if any woman stands a chance to win the war against menopause, it’s Tamra Judge.
10thoughts written by Liz