Last time we spoke, I was decidedly #TeamKelly.  I felt like Shannon had definitely set her up, and after Shannon bitched about Kelly drinking a whole bottle of wine at their meeting (when it was clearly one of those small bottles that has about two glasses worth), I was ready to buy the Kelly Dodd bumper sticker and go all in.  And then, this happened:

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What Kelly is threatening here is revenge porn.  Different states have different laws about this, but legal or not- it’s repugnant.

Anyhow, I had high hopes for Kelly.  I thought she did the smart and conniving thing by teaming up with Vicki (way more screen time that way), I’m still fascinated by her marriage and the fact that her brother and mother live with her, and initially she just seemed like your average heavy drinker which always makes for good TV.  But I can’t help but lose respect for people who don’t know how to manage their own PR.  Posting the garbage she did was stupid and petty.  Anyone with half a brain would know that the audience would turn on her for that.  Super stupid, Kells. Also, I think she is in serious need of an intervention, but we will get to that later.

Let’s begin.

Kelly has come over to Tamra’s house to help her prepare for the Last Hurrah Party (aka the last time Tamra and Meghan can drink before fitness competition training and insemination, respectively).  Kelly starts the episode at a 10 by giving her wildly offensive take on the Japanese culture and language (according to Kelly, just end every word with an “o” sound and you’ve nailed it!).  Kelly tells Tamra about her meet up with Shannon where Kelly claims to have just been trying to be the “bigger person”.  Tamra is on her Peace & Love tour so she tries to convince Kelly that while all of the women have had an issue with Shannon at one point or another, Shannon is ultimately a good person.  Kelly ain’t buyin’ it.  Not to mention, Vicki and Shannon are feuding aso Kelly knows where her bread is buttered and whose side she needs to be on.

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I’ve just now decided that Tamra is my favorite this season because there is nothing I love more than a person who learns from their mistakes and figures out how to do the same shady shit as before, but not get caught.  Tamra is, of course, still the shit-stirrer that she’s always been, but this time she’s more restrained and plants her drama seeds with the delicacy of a surgeon.  Tamra casually asks what happened at the party (even though she was there for literally the entire time), and mentions that RussianSpyNina said that Kelly sucks dick for money.  Nina implied it, really, but Tamra Judge ain’t got time for semantics.  Also- Kelly has been a millionaire for years and years and years and years.  So.  She doesn’t need to suck dick for money, you guys…

Briana is freaking out about her home renovation budget, and she should.  I watch a LOT of home renovation shows and I don’t see how $50,000 is going to be enough to renovate an OC home.  You can lose 20-30k in just the kitchen alone.  Plus, when you are renovating it’s so easy for the budget to explode because you think to yourself, “if I’m going to all this trouble, shouldn’t I have it exactly the way I want it?” and next thing you know, your house is covered in marble and onyx like the Guidice monstrosity.

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Ya’ll, Vicki’s love tank is on EMPTY.  She wants a boat and a husband, and not necessarily in that order.  Briana wants someone for her mom who Vicki can call at 8:30 on a Tuesday night for dinner and drinks.  Briana also requires that the man who dates her mom have a job and a clean arrest record.  This seems like a tall order for Vicki’s suitors.  Vicki says she wants a companion to travel and have sex with and she doesn’t know why that’s so hard to fine.  Amen, sista.  Briana still hopes that Vicki might get back together with Donn someday, and as much as Vicki denies it, you know she feels the same way.  Donn, on the other hand, is livin it up on the boat he got in the settlement and counts his lucky stars to be free of the Vickster.

Tamra is still trying to work out the details of her Last Hurrah party, so she calls Meghan to check in.  Apparently, Meghan told Tamra that it was okay to invite Vicki, but is now furious because Tamra took her up on it.  Two years ago, I would have given Meghan shit for this.  But I’ve gone through the hormones of pregnancy (yes, Meghan isn’t pregnant yet, but she’s being pumped full of hormones in preparation), and I’ve never acted more like a psychopath in my life.  One time, I had a full on meltdown in the streets of Oakland because the restaurant I was at didn’t have regular eggs benedict and was only serving a creole version.  I ran out of the restaurant full on wailing crying.  Hormones are a bitch, and so are the people who have to deal with them.  Tamra promises to uninvited Vicki after Meghan threatens to bail on the party all together.  That should go over well.  Also- Tamra calls Meghan Satan.  I like how Tamra’s insults are biblical now.

Did any of you watch One Tree Hill?  Heather’s assistant Natalie looks just like the girl who played Alex Dupre’ the actress/model character who Brooke hired to be the face of Clothes Over Bros until she tried to get Brooke’s boyfriend Julian to sleep with her and then later attempted suicide.  You know the one.  Heather has been working nonstop and hasn’t seen the kids in days (has the Heather-pot been calling the Terry-Kettle black?) but she plans to get in her PJs and hang out on the floor with them as soon as she’s done hosting an episode of The Doctors.  I’m trying so hard to visualize Heather on the floor but my mind is completely blank.  Heather is still frustrated with Terry because while she feels like she’s found a balance between her work and home life, Terry still hasn’t.  It’s seems to me that Heather has forgotten about the important work that Terry’s been doing…

*Bonus shot of Stephen Colletti!

Shannon has hooked Meghan up with one of her wackadoo doctors to help with her bloating.  My insults to Eastern medicine aside, my back is killing me and everything Dr. Tim was doing looked amazing.  Dr. Tim is not just a chiropractor/neurologist/everything guy, he was also witness to David & Vicki’s throw down at the 70s party.  Dr. Tim says that Vicki got all up in David’s face which Shannon believes was an attempt to provoke him into hitting Vicki.  I…do not remember it like that.

Speaking of Vicki, cuckoo bananas Meghan and all her hormones are very angry with Tamra for inviting Vicki to the party and not understanding that Meghan was trying to take baby steps with their relationship.  But then, Meghan does a total about-face and decides that it’s totally fine to invite Vicki.  Huh?  Again, I know what hormones can do to a person, so I’m giving Meghan a pass.

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The next scene is an interesting one.  We come back from a commercial break and Shannon all but says that the women had a pact before the season to not film with Vicki, and she’s pissed with everyone for going back on that now.  Tamra reminds Shannon that she was the one who invited Vicki to her 70s party, so it’s a bit hypocritical for her to admonish others for inviting Vicki to events.  Shannon thinks that her invite was okay, since she sent that crazy text about not being friends.  Tamra also gives us a quick bible study lesson about forgiving our enemies even if they hurt us over and over.

Shannon repeats that they all TALKED ABOUT THIS ALREADY. But Tamra is no spring chicken and knows how the game is played.  Deciding to ice out one cast member is all fun and games during the off season, but it’s never works out during filming.  Inevitably, the audience will begin to side with the person who has been cut out- even if it’s someone like Vicki.  Tamra says that she is giving Vicki one more chance, but if something else goes wrong, she’s done.  Shannon says that since Vicki lied about cancer (#Scamcer™), she’s not getting any more chances.  I don’t fault Shannon for this.  In Real Life, of COURSE you would ice out someone involved in something as heinous as the Scamcer.  But Reality TV is not Real Life and everyone has a job to do and a contract to fulfill.

I know that Kelly is officially a front runner for The Worst award since her twitter rampage and the way she acts at the end of this episode, but I can’t help myself but swoon when I see her house.  I love everything about it.  I love the color choices, I love the opulence, and I especially love her bedazzled wine opener.  WANT. NEED.

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Kelly is furious because she’s been accused of being a prostitute by a Russian spy and plans to sue.  Well, there are no set plans, but she did text Shannon and threaten to sue Nina for defamation of character.  I think it’s really funny when anyone on reality TV threatens to sue for defamation of character.  That ship has sailed, my dear.

Shannon calls Tamra to bitch about Kelly’s text message and is further aggravated when Tamra doesn’t take Shannon’s side immediately.  Shannon accuses Tamra of “riding the fence”, which is actually a pretty accurate accusation, but Tamra insists that Kelly has done nothing wrong to her, so she has no reason to pick sides.

Vicki wants to know if she did anything to warrant David screaming at her, and other than her comment about Shannon acting all Shannon-y, she really didn’t.  Vicki says there’s something wrong with David Beador’s eyes (is it that there’s no light or life behind them?) and Kelly says that Shannon has the same problem and thinks they look alike.  Judge for yourself:

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Kelly and Vicki are eating Kelly’s shitty food and getting themselves all worked up over Nina’s comments and David’s freak-out.  Kelly tries to pull out the “I HAVE A DAUGHTER!” outrage which is so stupid.  Kelly, you are on a reality TV show known for grown women acting like fools.  You don’t get to use your kid like this.  You don’t get to feign outrage over what some woman said at a party and worry about that damaging your daughter’s reputation.  You’ve taken care of that yourself.

The women arrive to the sushi dinner and even though they all knew they would have to take their shoes off, none of them bothered to wear flats or sandals because they are just that fabulous.  Vicki has brought Meghan an olive branch/ peace offering in the form a pre-pregnancy gift because while Vicki has no interest in being besties, she wants to be able to be cordial to Meghan when they see each other in public.  As an added bonus, Vicki has to know that the friendlier she gets with the other girls, the more it’s going to drive Shannon crazy.

The dinner starts off cordial enough, with everyone asking Meghan about her fertilized eggs and tomorrow’s implantation. Meghan plans to put two eggs inside her and hope for the best.  As we know now, one takes and she is currently pregnant with a girl who Meghan will eventually be raising on her own.

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Since the dinner is going great and no one is fighting, Kelly decides to bring up the psychic from last season who kick-started the Scamcer discovery.  Kelly says that she wants everyone to have readings done and the table gets quiet and uncomfortable immediately.  See, this is the shit that I like about Kelly.  She knows what she’s doing.  And sure, there is zero nuance to her approach, but do you guys remember the last season of RHOBH?  This is so much better than that, thanks in part to Kelly Dodd.  It’s the self-righteous indignation that I can’t stomach.  Also, I think it’s funny that Meghan is pissed about her friend Kelly switching sides and becoming besties with Vicki.  What’s funny about it, is that I’d completely forgotten that Meghan was Kelly’s in into this group.  Also- it’s important to note that the camera keeps focusing on all the booze people are drinking, specifically, we never see Kelly without a shot glass in her hand.

I like to pay attention to who starts the trouble in scenes like this and as such I’d like to point out that Meghan decides to bring up Kelly’s lunch with Shannon while Shannon is seated 6 feet away.  This is a calculated move and as always, I respect it from a viewer perspective.  Kelly’s face is becoming beat red (from the alcohol, not embarrassment) and she’s clearly lit up so it’s no surprise when she goes from a 4 to about an 8.  Kelly says that Shannon’s friends (meaning RussianSpy Nina and BasicBlondeJaci) are disgusting people and she’s not quiet about it.

Meghan tries in vain to calm Kelly down and she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that meddling Tamra and her seemingly innocent, “what’s a bad situation?” prompting Kelly to get all worked up again.  Talk about a set up.  Tamra and Meghan are acting like serious puppeteers here.  God love ‘em.

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Kelly continues to spiral out of control because Kelly is an alcoholic with a serious anger problem.  Here’s the thing, and there is really no excuse for Kelly’s behavior because it’s abhorrent, but Tamra and Meghan knew exactly what they were doing here.  They had to know that it only takes the slightest breeze to knock Kelly over into crazytown, and fully expected this reaction.  My dog Toby loves garbage. He will, 100% of the time, get into the trash if I leave the can out where he can get to it.  Because I know this about Toby, when I leave the house I put away the trash can. If I forget and come home to trash everywhere, I don’t blame him.  I blame myself because eating trash is just what he does.  Much like getting drunk and spitting vitriol if even remotely provoked is what Kelly does.

Am I comparing Kelly to my dog?  Yes.  Yes I am.  But when someone has a legitimate problem (like rage and alcoholism), I think influencers do share some of the burden.  Aka, if you leave a heroin addict in a room full of loaded syringes, at that point it does sort of become partially your fault when they OD? But Kelly should not have called Shannon a cunt, although I love that word and always celebrate when it’s used.

Kelly is completely schmammered and starts crying about her daughter and how this prostitution rumor is so damaging to her family and blah blah blah.  Meghan admonishes Kelly for calling Shannon a cunt, which is the right move on Meghan’s part.  Tamra has been quiet for almost 3 minutes, so she jumps off the fence and comes to Shannon’s rescue.  Tamra is correct that Kelly does a lot of dishing, but can’t seem to handle the taking.

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Tamra tries to get Kelly to see that she’s over reacting, but Kelly insists that Nina’s statement is damaging and then she calls Tamra a “dumb fuck”.  Remember on Scary Island when Kelly started talking about Al Sharpton and jelly beans?  That’s the territory we’ve gotten into.  Kelly’s face is as red as a tomato and she’s lost all touch with reality.  We are not dealing with a healthy and sane person. #ScarySushi

Heather has had just about enough and decides it’s time to storm out.  But before she goes, everyone gets an earful from Miss Manners complete with finger wagging and staccato scolding.  And then Heather demands that Kelly leave.  Kelly does not remember being invited to a Heather-is-in-control dinner so she refuses to be kicked out.  Instead, Heather leaves with Shannon close on her heels.

I’m not even really sure why Heather is so upset.  This conversation had literally nothing to do with her.  Heather knows what show she’s on and what’s to be expected, so this is a weird response from her.  Heather says she’s disgusted by everyone’s behavior and can’t stomach being in the room with them anymore.  She also wants to never see Kelly again.  I get that Heather has no real storyline this season, but this is a silly and overblown reaction.

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Kelly starts to sober up a little and her face is beginning to lighten so she apologizes to Shannon for calling her a cunt.  Tamra shouts out that Kelly is “very impulsive and needs to stop it”, to which Kelly thanks her and keeps apologizing.  Is it just me or was this moderately tame for Housewives standards?  I think we are all so starved for action after Potomac, Beverly Hills, and Dallas that this felt more explosive than it really was.  With the exception of Heather, the situation gets diffused in less than 30 minutes.

Tamra sees some of herself in Kelly and insists that behind all the rage is pain and fear.  I think Tamra’s probably right, but I can understand why Shannon wants to stay the hell away from it all.  Shannon reminds Tamra that even if Kelly is just some troubled girl with a bad marriage, it’s not Tamra’s responsibility to take care of her.  That’s solid advice.  Other than the bizarre “why would you call yourself educated” remark, Shannon handled herself gracefully at this dinner.

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Back at the table, Kelly has learned nothing from her mistakes and starts to drink some champagne and mock Heather.  Eeash. I had a lot of people contact me last night and this morning asking if I am still on #TeamKelly after this episode and the answer is complicated.  I’m on her team in as much as I really want her to go get help because this isn’t normal housewives crazy.  This isn’t just Brandi Glanville acting like a loon because the cameras are there.  This is someone who has something very weird going on at home and is self-medicating with copious amounts of alcohol and fits of rage.  Kelly needs help.  She needs to be off this show and put in some sort of treatment center that specializes in co-occurring disorders; specifically alcoholism and anger management.

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Heather crying in the car on the way home is just bizarre.  I don’t even understand why she is so upset.  But what I do love, is that Heather is an ugly crier.

Next week- David surprises Shannon with a birthday party (which is not held at some low-rent steak house) that turns into a vow-renewal.  So.  I guess that settles that.  The Beador marriage is doomed.  HA!  I say that like it hasn’t been doomed for years…

Recap written by Liz

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

 

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