Why is this show 10 minutes longer than Bravo shows?

The couples head off to their hotel suites after the receptions have died down and I really feel bad for Nick.  I’m not sure if that’s an unpopular opinion, but he reminds me so much of Manfriend that I’m instantly protective over him.  He keeps saying in his talking heads that he and Sonia get along so well, but Sonia obviously doesn’t feel the same way. And I know that’s not her fault, because he really isn’t giving her much to work with, but it just makes me feel bad for him.  When she insisted that he not carry her over the threshold I got all cringe-y and uncomfortable.  Sonia was concerned that Nick might not be able to carry her, which is indicative of her insecurities from earlier when she had to coax a complement out of him.  Nick just assumes she didn’t want to because her dress was too tight or something.  Ah, men.  So sweet, so clueless.  Speaking of- what’s up with Sonia’s dress?  It doesn’t fit right and makes her look like a much larger person.  The bodice is weird.

Sonia and Nick are smart enough to know that they need to add booze into this equation, so they break into Sonia’s pre-wedding scotch (not whiskey!) gift and Sonia downs her drink like a champ.  Does anyone know where I can purchase some PJs like Sonia has?  They are cute and look comfy.

soniapjs

Heather thinks Derek’s a nice guy, but she doesn’t have that sexual chemistry with him yet.  Derek keeps touching her and it makes me uncomfortable.  Derek is concerned that Heather has her guard up (she does) and he wonders if he’s the more affectionate one (he is), but that’s probably because he’s still got a wicked body high going (tee hee).  Heather just wants to get out of their nice clothes and into something more comfortable.  I wonder if Derek warned Heather about his GIANT superhero tattoos before changing into a short sleeved shirt.  Heather says that she feels safe and comfortable with Derek, but doesn’t have that “jump your bones” type of feeling.  Is that phrase back now?  Nick said it in the last episode and I swear I haven’t heard it since high school.  Although, I spent high school in Florida, so maybe it just never left the state.

Lillian and MyHusbandTom are definitely feeling it.  Both claim to have no expectations surrounding their wedding night, but they obviously want to go down to pound town.  I love MyHusbandTom, but damn, cheese just drips from his mouth sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable.  Lillian is eating it up though and seems equally cheesy, so maybe those experts knew what they were doing.  It’s making me like Nick more though.  What?  This isn’t about me?  Whatever.

tomsonia

The next morning, Lillian and Tom are still way into each other, which is a good sign.  Apparently, they did not have sex, which surprises me.  The other two couples also did not have sex, but that’s not shocking.  Sonia seems more hopeful the next morning now that she and Nick got a chance to talk more the night before.  The couples also find out where they are going on their honeymoons, which is really reason enough to be on this show.  Tom and Lillian are headed to Jamaica; Nick and Sonia are going to the Dominican Republic; and Derek and Heather are off to Puerto Rico.

Sonia continues to lose points with me.  This time, it’s because she calls Nick “girly” for knowing how to iron a shirt.  How girly can that information be when she doesn’t even know how to do it?  Also, how the fuck do you get to the age of…however old Sonia is, and not know how to iron?  Sonia is fine with Nick’s “metro” side since he also exudes a manly confidence.  To Nick’s credit, he doesn’t care that Sonia is a spoiled brat who doesn’t know how to iron a shirt.

Lillian and Tom go to their family brunch and everyone is super supportive.  These guys are on the pinkest of clouds and I can’t wait until Lillian sees her new house-bus and freaks out about it.  Nick and Sonia’s family bonds over the similarities between Italian families and Hispanic families.  Derek asks Heather’s parents for advice on how to handle Heather (nice choice of words) and they recommend chocolate and wine.  Amen.

rachelagain

“Lifecoach” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Rachel DeAlto visits the couples to check in and to give them some homework assignments for their honeymoons; like making sure they engage in pillow talk and take this time to really get to know one another. Rachel agrees with me that Tom and Lillian seem great now, but reality is going to set in eventually and it should be interesting to see how they handle that.  We also learn that both Sonia and Nick hate mustard.  So… Soulmates?

Rachel makes Nick and Sonia walk through an exercise where they have to stare into each other’s eyes and say “you are my wife/husband”.  It’s uncomfortable. I need a new word for that when describing Nick and Sonia.  Sonia gets emotional when Rachel starts to talk about vulnerability.  Sonia admits that she’s still hurting from a past relationship where she was betrayed and that makes it hard for her to trust Nick.  You know what else probably makes it hard for her to trust him?  That she barely fucking knows him.

Heather has been to Puerto Rico many times thanks to her job as a flight attendant, but she’s looking forward to going again with Derek since she’s never been there with a love interest.  Heather says all of this to their diary cam, but Derek forgot to turn it on.  I wonder how that could have happened.

Nick is having trouble with the fact that Sonia loves horses but is scared of dogs.  I’d like to know what happened to Sonia to make her pup-phobic (#ScienceTerms) so as to better understand her issues.  I don’t like horses, but that’s because I fell off of one in a rather dramatic fashion when I was 12 and no one made me get back on the horse again, so that stuck with me.  #truelifeidioms

limo

Tom starts to test the waters with Lillian and asks her if she could live on a small sailboat.  Lillian says she could basically live anywhere and Tom is happy that his wife isn’t high maintenance.  PastorCalvin is also concerned about Tom’s living arrangements as being an issue and wants him to tell Lillian sooner rather than later, because that’s where they will be moving after the honeymoon.  Wait.  Why can’t the live at Lillian’s house?  Or find a new apartment?  I think the bus is fine and cool if you’re actually on the road, but he hasn’t even finished designing the inside.  If I were Lillian, I’d agree to living in the bus someday, or when they are on roadtrippy vacations, but if the bus is just chillin in a trailer park?  I may turn on Tom if he really gives her shit for not being cool with that.

I’m impressed with every moment these couples spend with each other sober.  I would be drunk the whole time just to cut the tension.  Heather finds out that Derek likes to gamble, but she’s trying to no be nit-picky like she’s been in past relationships.  Gambling is awesome and I am awesomely terrible at it.  I’m more of a Vegas nickel slots type of player.

Vacations can be tough even with people you’ve known for years.  Not everyone has the same vacation style and if you aren’t compatible travelers, things can devolve into a nightmare fast.  That’s not to say that you have to have the exact same style for it to work.  Manfriend is an adventurer and I’m a lounge-by-the-pool type of lady, but we compromise and try to do activities that the other might enjoy so that we can both have a good time.  I bring this up because Heather seems pissed that Derek wants to gamble, drink more, and soak in the hot tub.

derekheathertable

MyHusbandTom and Lillian are asking each other probing questions and really trying to figure out who the other one is.  Tom’s biggest fear is that he is committing himself to someone who may not be as committed.  His biggest fear ought to be “I haven’t told you I live in a bus and the longer I wait, the weirder it’s going to be”.  If he waits until they pull up into the driveway, I’m divorcing him and marrying Nick.

Heather and Derek are getting along well enough, but she hates that he is a sometimes-smoker and if this were just a date, she’d never see him again.  That seems exceptionally petty.  What’s the harm in having a conversation about it?  You don’t have to date him if he won’t consider quitting, or switching to an electronic cigarette, but to stop seeing him all together?  Fuck off, Heather.  Apparently, in her interview, Heather said that she didn’t mind being with an occasional smoker.  She has no one to blame but herself here.  Also- Heather wants her super power to be “fluent in all languages”.  That’s stupid too.  It’s stupid because all that requires is a lifetime of dedication and study.  Technically, it’s close to possible which is why it’s not super.  She should say that she wants the power of Communication, as in she can communicate with all living beings be they human, animal, or plants, because that’s much cooler.

heatherworstExhibit A for why Heather is The Worst.

Heather also tricks Derek into defining “occasional” as being once a week.  Because the word “occasional” is so subjective, the context matters.  Being road-ragey once a week actually seems excessive, not occasional to me.  But a cigarette here or there if you’ve been drinking DOES seem occasional to me, and that can be 2-3 times a week.  I also strongly disagree with Heather thinking the right move is to file this issue away for another time.  Why can’t she bring it up?  It clearly bothers her and now she’s just going to harbor resentment.  Heather is quickly turning into The Worst.

I’m excited about the next episode when people stop being polite and start getting real.  Wait, wrong show….

Recap written by Liz

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