Um…so this episode is 52 minutes without commercials.  Which I thought meant that we are getting a full ten minutes of Previously’s like the last episode, but nope.  It’s just a supersize.  I’m not into it.

Lillian and MyHusbandTom’s wedding is about to wash away into the sea.  For those of you who haven’t spent any time in Florida, this is sort of a silly thing to get worked up about because all they need to do is wait 15-45 minutes and it will clear up.  Or, you know, go inside?  I’M TALKING CRAZY OVER HERE.  Lillian is freaking out because she is a believer in Bad Omens (which is a serious personality flaw, if you ask me…what?  I’m not bitter that she’s marrying my husband).  First the pearls, and now this.  Basically Lillian thinks her marriage is doomed because her husband bought her a beautiful gift and she is having an outdoor wedding in a place with notoriously temperamental weather.  Seriously, folks.  This is not even a real storm.  The sun is still out.  Just wait less than the length of a primetime sitcom and head back out there.

Guess what?  MyHusbandTom also has daddy issues and his dad won’t be at the wedding either. So at least we know that they have something to talk about.  And sure enough, it’s one of the first conversations they have.

lilytomwedding

Lillian (or Lily, as her friends call her) and Tom’s wedding is actually pretty sweet.  They are both instantly attracted to each other and their families have given the minister a list of good qualities they want the other to know.  Lillian (I am not her friend, so…) loves camping and animals, especially her dog Zeus and Tom also loves the great outdoors (especially the water) and is very easy going.  They both keep smiling and halfway through their I Do’s, the sun comes out (told you).

I have a question- are any of our readers in the music business and know where they find the songs to play in the background of shows like this?  That has to be a whole sector of the music industry that we never talk about.  You’ve heard songs like this a million times.  They are the songs that play during emotional moments in TLC shows and during Dance Moms performances.   All super cheesy and completely lacking in subtly.  Is there any money in writing this schlock?  There’s got to be…

Tom asks Lillian about the necklace he gave her and I feel like Lillian gives a decent explanation of why she didn’t wear it, but I wish she had referred to it as “our wedding” instead of “my wedding”.  It’s a tiny thing to bitch about, but the devil is in the details and I think the language we choose can be very telling.

Onto Derek and Heather’s wedding.  Heather is freaking out and feeling overwhelmed which is understandable.  Derek is in great spirits but that’s because Derek is as high as a kite.  Derek’s mellow starts to wear off while he waits for Heather, and you know he’s trying to figure out how much time he has to run out back before this shindig begins.  I can’t stop staring at Heather’s boobs, so her friend was right about the cleavage taking over.  Heather likes Derek’s face, which is good since she’s “big on faces”, which sounds a bit murder-y to me.

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According to their families, Heather loves travel and hip hop, and Derek loves his family and his dog.  Heather says that she loves dogs, but she says it in the same voice that I use when I feel forced to compliment someone’s baby.  Heather and Derek bring notes to their vows which is amateur hour.  You can’t memorize four lines?  Heather’s parents apparently knew each other for only 3 months before they got married and have been married for 35 years.  I guess when you know, you know, but this is different.  Who does Derek remind you all of?  I can’t quite nail it but what I have so far is a mix between James Franco (the bloodshot squinty eyes) and Adam Levine’s older, less attractive brother.

Before Nick and Sonia’s wedding, we learn that Nick has an apple watch.  Boo, Nick…boo.  Although, good for Sonia!  $$$.  Also, Sonia says “down packed” instead of “down pat” which makes me judgy until I remember that I only speak one language not all that well.  Sonia is relieved to see that Nick is cute, but Nick sort of nods his head and says “I’ll take that”, with this “yeah, she’s good enough” tone.  I think he was just trying to be funny but it was a poor choice of words.  Why not just say, “Thanks for not being a bridge troll”.

Sonia’s family wants Nick to know that she’s humble, quirky, fun and adventurous.  Nick’s family wants Sonia to know that he is a self-proclaimed mamma’s boy (she’s a daddy’s girl) and Nick is excited to introduce Sonia to his two dogs.  Crickets from Sonia.  Oh boy.  Sonia won so many points from me for having her bachelorette at a drag show and I think she’s going to lose all of them very rapidly over this dog situation.  Nick looks equally concerned when Sonia doesn’t comment on the dogs.

concerned nick

During the “I Do”s, we get a lot of dramatic music, and Sonia stalls out.  It takes her a while, but that could also just be editing.  Sonia finally says I do, and the pair exchange their own vows. I usually roll my eyes at personal vows because they can be so cheesy.  Sonia’s are no exception to this rule.  The best vows I’ve ever witnessed were at the wedding of my best friend’s sister whose husband promised to “pretend greyhounds have real human thoughts and emotions”.  The dogs, not the line of buses.  Their dog was a greyhound at the time.  It was funnier in person when the joke didn’t have to be explained.

I just have to say, people who don’t like dogs aren’t to be trusted.  But there’s a difference between someone who doesn’t like dogs, and someone who doesn’t want dogs.  The latter, I respect and understand.  Dogs are a lot of work and if you don’t have the right home environment and time to commit, then you shouldn’t have one.  Also acceptable- a fear based dislike of dogs.  If you got bit as a kid, or whatever, that’s fine too.  But if you just inherently don’t like dogs?  Something is wrong with you.

I like Nick.  I like Nick because he reminds me of Manfriend.  He’s really quiet and introverted but I can tell that he’s trying.  Sonia is understandably insecure about Nick making no comment regarding her looks.  Manfriend wouldn’t have done that either, so I can see both sides.  He really ought to say something though.  I’m just surprised that someone like Nick volunteered to do this in the first place, because Manfriend never would have.  Sonia admits that she has a fear of dogs.

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The couples get their wedding photos taken with their friends and family.  You guys, I would be so hammered to combat the awkwardness.  That glass of champagne wouldn’t leave my hand.  Nick and Sonia’s photoshoot is uncomfortable, but Lillian & MyHusbandTom’s shoot goes well.  Heather and Derek’s session is probably the worst though because Derek keeps kissing her face, neck and shoulders (at the prompting of the photographer) and Heather is not into it.  I agree with Heather.  This is a lot of affection to share with someone that you barely know.  Derek takes it personally, but he’s so baked he won’t remember this in a half an hour.

At the reception, Derek is relieved to hear that Heather’s frustration was with the photographer forcing the affection and not with Derek delivering said affection.  Again, I agree.  I also feel like a more accurate photo shoot would have been goofy faces and the couples looking apprehensive.  I’d love those wedding photos much more than some faked joy.  Derek is relieved that the food is going to be served soon.  Because, munchies.  Are the stoned jokes wearing thin, yet?

Tom and Lillian are having the best time and seem to be connecting the most.  Nick and Sonia are able to break the ice a bit more during their first dance and Derek is impressing Heather with how nice he is.  Maybe it’s just the way Heather talks, but she sounds super disinterested.  It’s the same voice use when talking with someone about the dream they had last night.

soniaspeechThe words say one thing, Armando, but your face tells a different story…

During the wedding speeches, Sonia’s brother gets up and says that it looks like the couple like each other.  Nope.  No it does not, Sonia’s brother.  Tom’s brother gives a speech about best friends that doesn’t make any sense.  Here’s the direct quote: “So, to my best friend, I give you my best friend to have as your best friend.”  Think about it for a minute, and then agree with me that it makes no sense.  I’m also angry with Tom’s brother for shaving his beard. Heather’s brother makes his toast about what a great mother Heather is going to be someday.  That’s a weird thing to say, right?

OH SHIT.  Lillian’s oldest sister Marianne wasn’t asked to be involved in the wedding, and she’s pissed.  We don’t ever get the full story here and that’s gonna bug me.  How can you have one sister in your bridal party and leave the other one out?  Tom hangs back while Lillian gets it sorted but I want to know more.

Tom’s sister Crystal, who clearly did not wash her hair before coming to this wedding, was concerned about her brother marrying a stranger but after meeting Lillian and seeing the immediate chemistry, has given her blessing and feels like Lillian is a gift.  That’s sweet, but seriously?  She couldn’t even spray on some dry shampoo?

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Nick’s overbearing mother Marie corners Sonia and asks why she agreed to marry a stranger, momentarily forgetting that her precious son did the same and wasn’t tricked into being there.  Sonia feels comfortable enough to tell Nick’s mother that she’s upset with him for not telling Sonia that she’s pretty.  MotherMarie promises to talk to Nick about that and tells Sonia that Nick bottles up his feelings sometimes.

Later, when Marie confronts her son, he lies and said that he did tell Sonia she’s pretty.  Nick tells us that he’s not ready to be that “straight forward” with Sonia yet.  I think he’s just really guarded, which is fine, but this seems like a really weird show for him to be on.  WAIT-  YOU GUYS!  Marie is totally the one who signed him up, isn’t she?!  I am willing to bet all the money in my wallet, which amounts to roughly $12, that this whole thing was Marie’s idea.

Sonia tasks a Spanish-speaking family member with forcing Nick to call her beautiful.  It’s…uncomfortable.

Tom and Lillian are totally gonna bone.  Speaking of “bone”, Nick’s groomsmen want him to consummate the marriage, but Nick has no plans to unless Sonia “jumps [his] bones” which is a phrase I haven’t heard since high school.  Nick is so awkward.  I’m into it.

nick bones

If there’s chemistry, I see no issue with them having sex on the first night.  I don’t believe in, or abide by the three-date-rule, and since Manfriend and I hooked up the first night we hung out, I’m in no position to judge.

The next episode is the honeymoon and I’m already bored with the happy pleasantness of the show.  I need to see ugly crying and deep wells of regret, STAT.

Recap written by Liz

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