I think we can all agree that except for the addition of Siggy Flicker, who fucking fascinates me for some reason, this latest season of Jersey has been a bit of a snooze so far. Teresa is (for the most part) fairly subdued and there is no Caroline Manzo. I know that’s been the case for two seasons, but I recently relistened to the Bitch Sesh podcast episode where Melissa Rauch and Jessica St. Clair perform a dramatic reading of the Caroline-Danielle Staub showdown and it’s made me yearn for the good ole days of pissed off matriarch Caroline settin’ bitches straight. It’s different when she’s on a show with her family and people she loves. I like the Let-Me-Tell-You-ASomethin’-About-My-Family version of Caroline most of all.
Speaking of powerful bitches, Jacqueline has clearly been set up to be the villain this season, or at least the housewife who is going to go against Teresa. This continues to make no sense to me. Jacqueline is, in a word, weak. Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s very strong in some ways, and I applaud her for sharing her story with Nicholas’s autism, but Jacqueline always sounds like she’s moments away from crying. So why has this storyline been set up? Here’s my theory:
Jacqueline and Chris are flat broke. Shocker of the century, BLK water hasn’t become the latest hydration craze and while maybe The Littlest Kernel is the bagged popcorn snack we’ve all been waiting for, I’m not holding my breath. Jacq had to get back on the show for the paycheck. But she didn’t really have a way in, since her friendship with Teresa has crumbled. I’m guessing she begged to return and offered to do anything production wanted. Somebody was going to have to go up against Teresa, but who would want to put themselves up as the antagonist to Teresa’s Returning Convict Mother story? It has the potential to backfire so easily because attacking Teresa could come off petty, considering everything she’s been through. I think Jacqueline offered to put herself up against Teresa in order to make it back on the show, but asked to have some allies join the cast so that she wouldn’t be left out to dry and that’s why we got the addition of Siggy and Dolores. Anyhow, that’s my theory. Let’s get started with the show:
This week begins with Teresa attempting to get Milania to practice yoga with her. HA. I appreciate the sentiment but the only time that Milania feels zen is when she’s dispatched her enemies and is chewing on their bones. Melissa calls to invite Teresa and the girls to NYC Fashion Week (remember when that used to be a plotline in RHONY? What happened to that? I miss that show having low stakes like who got front row seats…). Melissa’s kids are walking in the show and Teresa tells us that she’s really grateful to Joe and Melissa for stepping it up with the Guidice clan while she was away at summer camp. 4 seasons ago Teresa would be PISSED that Melissa’s kids got to do something cool, and would likely protest the event, but Season 7 Tre knows she has a limited amount of allies and can’t afford to alienate them.
I was part of a conversation on a popular facebook group (#notagging) recently where we were talking about the housewives kids (who’s great, who’s The Worst, who has a stupid name), and I’d like to formally nominate Dolores’s kids as two great ones. Her son is ridiculously good looking, which I think I can legally say since he’s 17. Her daughter is…awesome. She wants to be a veterinarian, and we see her lovingly administer fluids to Dolores’s dog Boo who needs them because he’s going into kidney failure. A million sad face emojis. Dogs are so much better than any of us deserve.
Dolores wants a new fireplace and a slate floor. Dolores’s ex, Frank, has been supporting her and the kids for way longer than any ex would normally, but Dolores wants to break out on her own. Frank used to be Mr. New Jersey (picture 3x the JerseyShore’s Ronnie with 12x the steroids and you’ve got the right idea), and he leveraged that “fame” into the ownership of several gyms, three of which Dolores is a partner in. But this latest gym is all hers, and Frank is not involved. Except, you know, he technically paid for it since it was financed with the money from Dolores’s divorce settlement. Also- at the end of this scene, Dolores’s son lifts his shirt up and shows off his abs.
I wanted to add my favorite gif of the looney tunes wolf whistling and hollering, but it seemed inappropriate considering Frankie Jr.’s age and made me feel like a bad person. That said, I couldn’t help myself when it came to the screenshot.
Melissa, JoeGorga, and their three moppets go to NYC to get the kids fitted for the fashion show they are walking in. Nothing much happens here, but JoeGorga asks Melissa about the status of her relationship with Teresa. Melissa says that she won’t feel truly close with Tre until she can disagree with her and it’s not the end of the world. Melissa’s right, constantly agreeing with someone or being afraid to make waves is not a real friendship. JoeGorga encourages her to speak her mind with Teresa, but Melissa is smart enough to know they aren’t there yet and reminds us the JoeGorga barely gets a pass from Teresa, and he’s family.
Siggy’s daughter won’t get off her damn phone. It’s a real shame that when your child turns 13, you are no longer able to make decisions for them and can’t punish or restrict their privileges. Nope…nothing you can do, Sig…
It’s hard for me to accept that Ashley* has grown up into a moderately responsible person, but this is incredibly hypocritical of me considering most people who knew me in my youth would be shocked to see me now. I acknowledge that even bitchy teenage girls can grow into accountable young women, but I will always see her as the chick who ripped Danielle Staub’s hair out while screaming “LOVE AND LIGHT, BITCH!”
*Just a reminder that I refuse to acknowledge the spelling change in her name
Jacqueline visits hubby Chris in what looks like a rented office in an abandoned mall. There are mock ups of the packaging for The Littlest Kernel all over the place and admittedly, the bags look cute. Very colorful, good marketing for kids. Jacqueline says that BLK is making money now (really?! Is it? I would not have guessed that) but it would be really helpful if this line of snacks took off. Chris reminds Jacq that they are still very lucky and to remember that when Teresa and JuicyJoe come over for dinner, if they act a certain way, it’s probably all rooted in stress. Jacqueline agrees, but making nice is not what she’s getting paid for.
Siggy’s daughter Sophie got detention for using her phone. For the second time. Siggy has decided that enough is enough and she is going to take away Sophie’s phone. Sophie doesn’t seem concerned though, because she knows that Siggy is a total pushover. Sophie spouts off a bunch of teenage nonsense about how it’s not fair and “if you didn’t want me to be on my phone, why did you get me one?!” It should be legal to slap privileged white children across the face when they say garbage like, “it’s not fair”.
I think Melissa Gorga might be the most gorgeous housewife in the history of the program. She looks the most naturally beautiful and her figure is ridiculous. Let me know in the comments if you disagree, and who you think is the best looking housewife and I promise to respond and tell you why you’re wrong. Melissa is thrilled that Teresa has come to see the Gorga kids walk in the fashion show, because this feels like a step in the right direction. Teresa is, for the most part, supportive. But she does dab her toe into Old Teresa behavior for a moment when she says in a talking head that Milania would have loved to have been in the fashion show as well. I’m sure Teresa blames Melissa for this, but I think Milania has to be on a list somewhere. Like a No-Fly list, but for cultural events so as to prevent sabotage.
Me too, kid…but I prefer it when the table is flipped.
Teresa and Milania go out with the Gorga family for dinner after the show. JoeGorga is feeling sick but loves being doted on by his wife and sister. Teresa tells Melissa about her impending dinner with the Laurita’s and how she hopes to put aside the negativity and move forward. Melissa feels like even though she and Teresa have made up in the past, this time it’s different. At one point, the Gorga moppet Joey announces that he loves everyone at the table. That’s great kid, but this is the show that was built on table flips and hair pulling so this kumbaya shenanigans is gonna have to end soon. Enter, a desperate and bitter Jacqueline….
We get to meet Maz, who is Dolores’s childhood friend and business partner. Like Dolores’s ex Frank, Maz also own multiple gyms. How many gyms are in this town? Is “I’m a Gym Owner” starting to sound like “I’m in Waste Management” to anyone else? Dolores needs this gym to succeed because it’s the first thing she’s done without Frank’s help (although, as I stated earlier, she got the startup money from her divorce settlement, so…). Maz tells her that they are hoping to get 1500-2000 new memberships in their first month. WAT. Doesn’t that seem like a lot of people, especially for an area that’s lousy with gyms? Surely anyone in the area who wants to go to the gym already has a membership to one, right?
Siggy goes out to a diner to eat with her kids and she has a very weird relationship with the waiter, hilariously named Seraphin (sp?), which is never explained. Siggy is happy to be out with her kids when they aren’t glued to their phones, but is upset to hear that they usually stay off of them when they are with their dad. Because the kids only see their dad every other weekend, he is the Fun Parent who is lax with rules and lets girls stay in son Joshua’s bedroom when he’s out of town. Josh and Sophie feel like it’s “Siggy’s World”, and they are merely bystanders when they are with their mom. To prove this, Josh puts 5 minutes on his stopwatch app to see if Siggy can go that long without interrupting them. She makes it about 1 minute and 46 seconds. The kids seem to make a breakthrough with their mom though, and Siggy promises to try and listen them more. Does anyone else get a real Streisand vibe from Siggy in her talking heads? I feel like Siggy looks like a cross between Barbra Streisand when she’s having a great hair day, and Lady from Lady and the Tramp. I mean that in the best, most complementary way possible.
Teresa and Joe are getting ready to head over to the Laurita house and Teresa tells us in a talking head that she is nervous. The last time she was there, she felt attacked by Jacqueline, so going back to the “scene of the crime” is making Teresa anxious. That’s all fine and dandy, but what’s really important to note in this scene is that Milania owns an inflatable fat suit. And she likes to dress up in it for fun. Did you guys know that Milania has her own youtube channel? The video below is my personal fav. It’s call “Wig Video” and it features Milania and her friend Stephanie trying on wigs. I’m telling you, She’s going to take over the world.
Another important thing to know, is that when JuicyJoe is asked to bring wine to a dinner party, he shows up with a roller-suitcase cooler full his own creation. The get together starts off well enough, with CJ and Nicholas coming out to say goodnight and Teresa being sweet and understanding with Nicholas’s autism. Jacqueline gets emotional about Teresa seeing her kids after it’s been so long, while JuicyJoe and Chris head off to the in-house bar to eat cheese and deli slices. The guys in this show (+ Rosie) always have an infinitely better time together than the woman. Juicy and Chris in this scene remind me of Milania and Antonia from back when Teresa and Melissa weren’t getting along. Everyone needs to make nice, for the kids! (And the husbands).
Just kidding. I’m thrilled that the Drama Llama is finally getting let out of its barn. Five episodes is an eternity to sit through with no housewives fighting.
Look, Jacqueline makes a lot of weird missteps and bizarro maneuvers in this scene, but I think it should be noted that Teresa started it. Teresa is the one who begins talking about how she felt ganged up on by her friends and family, but when Jacqueline tries to disagree about how things went down, Teresa insists that she doesn’t want to rehash the past. Jacqueline thinks Teresa alienated herself from the group and had separate issues with Melissa, Caroline and herself. Teresa does NOT see it this way and demands that she was ganged-up on and reminds Jacqueline that the last time Teresa was at the Laurita house, she was attacked. Also- Teresa uses air quotes seemingly indiscriminately throughout this conversation, so that’s fun
“the last time I was here…” ALLEGEDLY
Jacqueline takes issue with the word “attacked” and claims to not have known that Caroline would be dropping by that night 5 years ago, which is what made Teresa feel ambushed. I’m calling bullshit that Jacq didn’t know Caroline would be coming. They have to schedule filming times and Caroline had to be suited up with a mic pack, so….yeah. Bologna.
Jacqueline feels like she was lied to by Teresa back then and that Tre must have known more than she was letting on. Teresa denies this, but I think she just didn’t want to talk about it at the time, or ever. This is so 2000 and late, you guys. It’s like Landon talking about Jekyll Island at the Southern Charm Reunion.
But I guess we’ve got to kick start this feud somehow, so sure…let’s rehash this garbage. Teresa figuratively slaps Jacq in the face by saying that her Real Friends knew what was going on. Except, didn’t Teresa just say that even she, herself, didn’t know what was going on? Oh Teresa…why so garbage-y? There’s also some talk about magazines and what stories were released by Teresa, and which ones were lies, but I don’t care.
Then, Teresa says that her brother told her not to trust Jacqueline. Jacq turns that around and says that JoeGorga told her not to trust Teresa. I agree with Tre that that’s a pretty shitty thing to say, considering all the repair work that’s gone into that relationship. Then- Jacqueline, who is clearly competing hard here for The Worst award, decides to call JoeGorga up on the phone right then and there to get this sorted out. What. The. Fuck. JoeGorga manages to back out as gracefully as a cornered person possibly can, but Jacq feels vindicated when Joe says to the best of his memory, he never mentioned her name to Teresa.
Teresa feels, and I’m inclined to agree with her, that Jacqueline didn’t need to get up in her business about her legal issues; especially on camera. Teresa reminds Jacqueline that she’s had legal issues of her own, but Teresa hasn’t ever asked about them or tried to involve herself. Jacq snots back that her legal problems weren’t criminal, that she’d never file a fraudulent bankruptcy charge, and as such, it’s completely different. Teresa is pissed and deservedly so. It was a low blow, and had nothing to do with the issue at hand. Teresa decides that enough is enough and she storms off to find JuicyJoe, thus ruining his evening with once-bestie Chris Laurita. Chris looks disappointed, but also like he was expecting this to happen. Or maybe that’s just me wanting to believe that my theory is right.
Teresa keeps trying to squash the situation but Jacqueline needs that ratings bonus check to pay the mortgage won’t drop it. Teresa insists that she’s owned her mistakes, has done her time, and now she just wants to move forward. Jacqueline is like a dog with a bone and insinuates that at one point Teresa blamed JoeGorga for her legal troubles. Finally fed up, Teresa calls Jacq crazy and runs to the door, pissed that Jacq would bring JoeGorga into this. On her way out, we hear Teresa say “big mistake!” which is a phrase that always makes me think of this:
JuicyJoe is too drunk to care about his wife’s issues with her friends, but agrees that it was fucked up of Jacqueline to call JoeGorga. Teresa doesn’t understand why, if Jac wants to rekindle their friendship, she would try and hurt her. Um, because this isn’t about you, Teresa. This is about that sweet, sweet Bravo money and the subsequent ratings bonuses that Jacq’s going to receive. Teresa doesn’t want to try again with Jacqueline after this and JuicyJoe agrees, finally getting pissed for his wife after the glow of his own playdate wears off.
Okay, so good. We have our central conflict now and the rest of the cast has to fall in line. I don’t really have a horse in this race, but I’m glad to see the show’s pace pick up a bit. Who do you guys side with? Are you #TeamJacq or #TeamTre? Let us know in the comments section, and as always you can find us on twitter.
Recap written by Liz