When I opened this episode on iTunes, it was 10 minutes longer than these episodes usually are which instantly put me in a bad mood. Fortunately, it seems like all that extra time is devoted to recapping the first episode, which I already did. The only sort of funny thing to note is Dr.Pepper tells us that the experts were able to find 3 compatible matches out of “countless” people. Except it’s not countless. It’s roughly 33,000. We know that because that number it’s been beaten over our heads. Hey- I said sort of funny.
Aside from the overall recap, we see Dr.Pepper tell the singles that they found them a match. Now, I’m no expert, (but then, Rachel DeAlto the “sexologist” isn’t either) but I would have swapped these matches around. I’d have paired Heather with Nick, Lillian with Derek, and Sonja with MyHusbandTom. Nothing much to recap here as they are all giving the same shocked/excited face when told they will be getting married in two weeks and the singles just say “wow” a bunch. We also learn that Lillian hasn’t spoken to her dad in a long time and her parents had the type of marriage she thought she wanted until they split up and her dad all but disappeared. Yay for daddy issues!
Now the singles get to tell their friends and family that they are marrying a perfect stranger on television in two weeks. I keep trying to picture what my reaction would be if my son told me he were doing this, but honestly, I’d probably just laugh and buy him a shot. As previously stated in episode 1’s recap, I’m a product of double divorce (my mom got married and divorced twice in my lifetime), so I don’t really believe in marriage as the end all, be all, to a relationship. If he told me he was doing this, I don’t think I’d take it all that seriously. Although, I’d be furious that my son made it onto a reality show before me.
I’ve decided to believe that all of the singles gave their parents a heads up before having this conversation on camera. Because I want to believe they aren’t garbage people. My favorite person so far on this show (aside from MyHusbandTom) is Nick’s mother Marie’s boyfriend Jim. He’s hilarious and gives Nick a high five across the table. Marie is pissed that she doesn’t get to interview the bride-to-be and wonders what will happen if she doesn’t like her. Ultimately, Marie just wants Nick to be happy and tells him that she supports him. She tells us that “Life is short, so you have to have an adventure”. Boyfriend Jim looks like an adventure. Sonja’s dad Armando is also supportive and seems very sweet.
MyHusbandTom gets on skype with his burly brother (aka MyBrotherInLaw), and tells him about his impending marriage. Yet another reason why Tom is the best- his brother looks like a hoot. You just know that guy is super fun at Thanksgiving. MyBrotherInLaw also gets choked up when he accepts Tom’s request for a best man. I heart MyBrotherInLaw. Lillian tells her friend and sister the news and they are also supportive.
Derek tells his mother who is ALSO supportive. Who are these parents? Where are the overbearing crazy moms? Where is the furious father? Where are the jealous/concerned friends? I’m disappointed in the lack of dramatics here. Heather skypes with her parents. No shocker, they’re fine with it. Heather also cut her hair. I’m not fine with it.
Derek and Heather go tux/bridal gown shopping (separately, obvi). Heather’s friend gives her shit for picking a dress with cleavage and Derek just looks stoned the whole time. I think the dress Heather picks has pockets, which is a big win in my opinion. Add pockets to any dress and it becomes 50x better, instantly.
Sonja doesn’t get to shop for dresses with her mom because Sonja’s mom is still in Costa Rica. That makes me sad for her. Nick is picking out Sonja’s ring and all he knows is her ring size, which is a 5.5. Today I learned, I have fat fingers. Sonja’s dress is really pretty (even though it doesn’t look like it has pockets) and looks good with her curly mermaid hair. I want mermaid hair.
Lillian’s mom flies in from Nicaragua to help her shop, whereas MyHusbandTom has brought his friend Chris (who Tom says is “the most honest guy in Florida”) to help him shop for a tux. I figured out my issue with Lillian. It’s those weird dimples directly below the sides of her mouth. It gives her a marionette sort of look and it’s unsettling.
Now that I’ve figured that out, I will try to politely ignore it, like a true Southerner, because I am not the most honest gal in Florida. HonestChris says that Tom’s future bride is lucky to be seeing Tom in a tux at all, since Tom’s own mother hasn’t ever seen that. I get the point he’s trying to make, but other than the context of a wedding, how often do you see the men in your life in a tux? We also learn that pearls in a wedding are bad luck in Nicaragua. Side note – as a society, are we done with hombre hair yet? Can we be done with it? I’m done with it.
We skip ahead to “the night before the wedding” where everyone is on their bachelor/bachelorette parties. Huh? Who has that the night before their wedding? Why would you want to be hungover at your wedding? It was a voiceover that told us it was the night before the wedding, so I’m choosing to believe that’s just weird editing and not true.
HonestChris gets completely hammered at MyHusbandTom’s bachelor party and gives some bizarre speech to camera (in what I can only describe as a sort of Scottish Hulk Hogan voice) about how Tom’s mystery bride had better “love him and cherish him”. We also get to see HonestChris dance around in a fur coat. Can we keep HonestChris on the show forever?
Heather is at a club called “YOLO” and that makes me mad at Miami in general. Derek is on a party bus with stripers but feels like he is keeping it “classy” and “PG” so that he wouldn’t be ashamed to tell Heather about what happened. Derek says this with his eyes barely open. Derek is so stoned, you guys.
You know who else keeps it classy and PG?
Sonia decides to have her bachelorette party at a drag show, thus solidifying her place as my favorite lady on this show. Sonia’s mom flew in from Costa Rica, which is nice. I hope production fronted that bill. Nick is having his bachelor party at a brewery and has no interest in going to a strip club. His buddies want to drag him to a strip club but Nick isn’t into it. Manfriend has never been to a strip club. Believe me, I’ve tried to get him to go because I actually enjoy them, but he says he’s very uncomfortable with the idea of getting a boner in public. I tried to get him to go when we were in Vegas while I was at the Britney show (which is bomb, btw), but the most I could get him to do was eat wings at Hooters since he’d never been to one of those either.
The day of the wedding has arrived and all of our singles are excited and nervous to only be single for a few more hours. Derek’s biggest fear is that the woman walking down the aisle to meet him will be an ex, which is an awesome twist I hadn’t thought of. Season 5! Make it happen! MyHusbandTom can feel Lillian’s energy in the hotel and is happy to finally be getting closer to meeting her.
Oh shit. Tom got Lillian a pearl necklace (not like that, you guys) as a token of his appreciation and commitment to this marriage. A producer got him to pick that out, right? It seems a little too on the nose for Tom to have bought a necklace featuring the one thing Lillian was the most superstitious about. Why are they trying to make MyHusbandTom look like a chump? Lillian better wear that fucking necklace.
Because Daddy Issues, Lillian’s brother will be walking her down the aisle. This makes Lillian very emotional. Just wait til she sees the pearls!
“you’re a brother to me”, Lillian says while embracing her…. brother. Um, as opposed to what, a lover? Weird phrasing, Lillian*
*I’ve just been informed that that dude is her brother-in-law which makes way more sense. I think I wasn’t paying proper attention the first time because I was eagerly anticipating the pearl necklace fiasco
All of the singles bought their soon-to-be significant others presents and production delivers them right before they walk down the aisle.
My homegirl Sonia gives Nick some scotch and he gives her a cute giftset with stuff like socks for her cold feet and a mini bottle of champagne. Tom is my husband, but Sonia and Nick are my favorite pairing so far because they both gave each other booze. Nick’s mom Marie gets all salty because Sonia called the scotch “whiskey”. Marie told by a family friend that she isn’t allowed to criticize, but Nick looks nervous. Is Marie going to be the difficult MIL this season? Fingers crossed, people!
Heather starts freaking out and cries that she doesn’t feel like herself. That might be true, but Heather looks bangin in her dress. Heather and Derek are kinda boring so far so part of me wants Heather to lose her shit. Or for the cameras to catch Derek toking up before the ceremony.
Lillian gives Tom this awesome wooden box. Tom, as we know, got Lillian pearl jewelry. Lillian freaks out that it’s a bad omen and worries about wearing it, even though she knows that would hurt Tom’s feelings. I’d say it’s a worse omen to care more about superstitions than hurting your husband, but what do I know. Lillian decides to not wear the necklace. It’s official, I do not like Lillian.
We hear a bunch of dramatic music as the grooms head to the altar and the brides get ready to walk down the aisle. MyHusbandTom makes a baller move where he introduces himself to Lillian’s friends and family before taking his place. Tom & Lillian and Nick & Sonia’s weddings are outside. I love outdoor weddings, but in Florida, the weather is a total crapshoot. I miss it, actually. I miss thunderstorms. I miss getting drenched running from my car to my house. If I were the type to get married, I’d be cool with it raining during my wedding. Lillian, of course, takes the thunder and rain as yet another bad omen and starts to freak out.
And that’s it for this episode, next up, the weddings!
As always, you can find us on twitter and don’t forget to give us your thoughts on the couples, and if you would swap any of them around or leave them as is.
Recap written by Liz