Thanks to Below Deck Med ending (with no reunion, which I’m still irrationally furious about), I now have a gap in my recapping schedule.  Instead of taking this time to get drunk or play the ponies, I’ve decided to start recapping Married At First Sight.  My history with this show isn’t great, but I did watch the first season so I have a general sense of what they are trying to do here.  Since Bravo is off this week, I will try to power through the first 4 episodes (including this week’s show) to get myself all caught up for next Tuesday.  And lastly, a big thank you to my fellow Fantasy Football Friend, Aaron, who watches this garbage (with his wife, alledgedly) and asked me to recap it.  Sorry to call you out, buddy.

The first episode of the season is the matchmaking ceremony (conference? orientation?) in which my homegirl Dr. Pepper Schwartz tells us she’s enlisted the help of two new relationship experts, life coach Rachel DeAlto and marriage counselor, Pastor Calvin Roberson.  I’m fine with this change since Dr.Pepper was the only “expert” I remembered from season one.  I’m sure the rest of the season 1 experts were nice people, but none of them were named after carbonated soda pop, so I have no memory of them.


Dr. Pepper tells us that there are more singles today than ever before and people are trying everything to fine love.  I’d argue that a lot of people are just out to find lust and quite enjoy being single, but this show is about LOVE, not about my post-modern feministic viewpoint.  Also- some blond lady who is one of the potential matches tells us that she already has the house (that’s fine, nothing crazy there), and she already has The Ring (SHE ALREADY HAS THE RING!! HOLY SHIT!) That is some cuckoo bananas behavior right there. Sadly, there’s no way CrazyBlond will make the cut, and that bums me out.

Right off the bat, I hate pretty much everyone we get to see.  Especially the guy who says “the best case scenario is ever-lasting love, let’s shoot for the stars!” all smarmy like.  He gives me the heebie-jeebies.  Also- I would just like to note that this show first aired on July 8th of 2014.  Gay people in every state of this country were not allowed to get married until June 26th of the following year.  Just mull that over for a minute.

shoot for the starsEw. No.

We are told again and again that 33,000 people applied to be on this show.  On the one hand, that seems like a staggeringly high number of people who would want to marry a total stranger.  On the other hand, it seems like a fairly small number of people who are desperate to be on TV and will do just about anything to get there, including marrying a total stranger.  Also- the show is set in Miami this season.  I don’t care, but the experts keep bringing that up like it’s a big deal.  Maybe during one of the test screenings, some racist panelist kept asking why there were so many Hispanic people auditioning, and this got edited in as an explanation.

Pastor Calvin tells us that every 13 seconds, another couple gets divorced in this country.  I looked it up and that statistic is true.  I’m going to cite this statistic next time my mother (who has been divorced twice, mind you) asks me when ManFriend* and I are getting married.

*If you are just joining us, “ManFriend” is what I call my boyfriend because we live together, have a child together, but don’t really believe in marriage and “boyfriend” sounds too high school.

Pastor Calvin also tells us that these are legally binding marriages and that annulment is not an option.  I’m not sure that’s true.  I think a decent lawyer could get these marriages annulled, but it’s not even like divorce is that big of a deal these days anyhow.  Since half of all marriages end in divorce, if you’ve known the person for years it’s probably just as much of a crap shoot as this shit show.


Dr. Pepper tells us that people are complex and that she relies heavily on the questionnaire the single hopefuls have to fill out as well as the psychological evaluations made by independent therapists.  One particularly complex fellow is pissed off that he was asked questions about his childhood, as he sees this as an invasion of his privacy.  He says this to a producer during a talking head in the middle of the audition process for the reality tv show he is trying to be on.  A reality TV show which will document his whole life with a perfect stranger.  But a clinical psychologist asking about his childhood during a one-on-one session that wasn’t aired is an invasion of his privacy. People are silly.

Sidenote- I’ve only seen the first season and know that at least whats-her-face and SweetDoug are still together, but are any of the other couples from seasons 2 & 3 stayed together?

Rachel DeAlto is a life coach and sexologist.  Cool.  What are your qualifications, Rachel?  Turns out, Rachel majored in communications (aka broadcast journalism) and has a doctorate in Law. So, nothing that actually qualifies her for her job.  I’m guessing Rachel had a lot of sex in college and her friends always came to her for advice.  BOOM.  That’s how you make an expert, people.

rachelNothing about this woman’s educational background qualifies her to be in this position.  Literally, nothing.  

We first meet Lillian, who is 24 and very “touchy-feely”.  She’s a realtor and I can’t decide if she’s pretty or busted.  I think pretty, but the lighting is all fucky in her talking heads.

After Lillian, we get a bunch of randoms who tell us things like “blueberries is my safe word” and “he has to be average [penis size] or bigger”.

Then we meet Derek Schwartz (no relation to Dr. P, we assume) who is 35 and doesn’t think he’s had that many one night stands.  Derek was in the military, has a small dog (think wire terrier, not teacup yorkie) and later got a degree in the Persian Farsi Language from the Defense Language Institute.  Derek asks us, “If there was ever a way to get married [huh?], then why not this way?”  Yeah!  Why not marry a complete stranger on national television?  I bet the military misses Derek and his cognitive thinking.

The next hopeful single we meet is Quinton, 29, who we actually saw earlier when he told Rachel that his giant cock has made his sex life difficult.  So.  That’s Quinton.  Quinton also pronounces “voluptuous” like “volumptuous”, which I think we can all agree is a better and more descriptive way to say that word.  Quinton wants a girl who is going to be able to “get down with some crabs in the house”.  I’m going to assume he means “crabs” as in a crab-boil, and not that he has some weird fetish with pubic lice.  Sidenote- have you ever noticed that just saying the word “lice” makes your head itch? It’s gross.

 quintonThis was Quinton’s response when asked about commitment

Pastor Calvin is looking to make sure the couples have religious and spiritual compatibility, meaning he wouldn’t want to put a religious person with someone who is maybe only just spiritual.  Considering all the wars a difference in religion has started, that’s probably a good idea.  Pastor Calvin sits down with Susan, who is a virgin.  And not one of those floozy born-again virgins either, but the real deal  PastorC tells us that matching a virgin is going to be difficult because most people want someone with more experience even though, as he tells us, you don’t actually need any experience to have sex. I dunno, PastorC….you might not need to know what you’re doing, but it certainly helps.  Susan is saving herself for marriage.  But I really hope she means REAL marriage and not TV marriage, because otherwise Jesus is gonna be pissed.

Rachel and PastorC ask the hopefuls about their deal breakers which range anywhere from “not kind” and “I don’t like short guys” to this one woman timidly asking the matchmakers to please not set her up with someone who will “steal or kill”.  I’m worried about that lady and I hope she has a safe place to go home to.

Then we meet Nick who is 32 years old, manages vacation rentals (aka checks in on his parents beach home once in a while, I’m guessing), and occasionally smokes when he’s out drinking.  Nick recently went through a family tragedy when his aunt and uncle were in a fatal car crash.  They were the only couple Nick knew who had been together for 45 years and were still madly in love.  Dr.Pepper thinks Nick will make a great husband but worries that no one will want him because he smokes.  That’s stupid.  I get not wanting to date a full time smoker, but someone who has one or two when they are at a bar once a week is a stupid deal breaker.  Plus, as an ex-smoker, I know how to help someone quit (e-cig FTW!). I’m now both defensive and possessive over Nick.  I hope he makes it through so I can judge whatever girl he ends up with.

brandiSigns you aren’t grown up enough to get married: (1) you don’t think to clean your room before guests arrive (2) you are a “professional youtuber” (3) you sleep on a twin bed

Dr.Pepper makes some home visits and I cannot believe that one girl who didn’t clean her room.  Gross.  Then we meet Tom, 28, who is now competing with Nick for my heart, because Tom’s big dream is to travel the country in a converted school bus. I LITERALLY HAVE THE SAME DREAM.  Tom is also a surfer, which I respect but have no interest in because God forgot to give me balance.  We learn that Tom once rescued a sea turtle named Allison who had been attacked by a shark and he got her fitted with prosthetic flippers.  Bad news, Nick….Tom is my officially my fav.

Dr.P’s next drop in is with Mekalya, a 30 year old hair stylist.  Mekalya just wants a relationship like her parents have and says she has a lot of love to give.  Mekalya seems too high maintenance to me.  She would be a bad match for MyHusbandTom.

Sonia, who is 33, says that it would be a big turn off for her if the man didn’t pay on a date.  I abide by the “whoever asked who out” pays, regardless of gender.  If it was a mutually agreed upon thing, arranged over the internet, go Dutch.  Sonia is a social worker who loves stiletto heels.  Sonia also has a “You + Me = Awesome” pillow.  Yikes.  That’s a really weird thing to have in your house in general, but especially if you’re single.

Heather is a 32 year old flight attendant.  She’s also the “hot blond”.  Heather is mostly sort of boring (and possibly very needy?), but she has a really cute lavender beach cruiser bike so I’m willing to forgive her vanilla-ness at this time.

heatherWANT. (The bike, not Heather…I mean, she seems alright, but I’m mostly interested in the bike)

Dr.Pepper talks about the importance of financial and financial goals compatibility which segues into us meeting Lee, who is 29 and his title card on the screen says he’s a “lifeguard” but we find out that he’s an EMT Ocean Rescue Lifeguard, which I think is a much bigger deal.  Lee says that if his wife didn’t work, life would be a struggle.  Lee also has an epic red beard and looks like he could be an extra in the Vikings show Manfriend is obsessed with.  Lee loves being a lifeguard, but as Rachel tells us, there isn’t a lot of upward mobility in a job like that.  I guess I would need to know if Lee’s job truly is a passion, or if it’s just an incredibly convenient excuse to hang out on the beach all day.  That said, if someone gets bit by a shark, Lee’s the guy who runs into the water instead of out of it, so mad respect for that.

Brandi is 26 and an aspiring singer as well as a “professional youtuber”, which is not a thing.  Brandi is unemployed.  Also- I thought the definition of professional vs amateur is that professionals get paid.  I give people a “live your dreams” pass until 25.  After that, it’s time to grow up and get an office job.

Then we get to see two people who have dropped out of the running because they woke up from their fever dream of familial and other outside pressures.  I don’t remember them from earlier and I don’t care.  Adios, noodle head girl with the huge roots and some other girl whose face was instantly gone from my memory.

noodleI’d like to spend some serious time and money fixing everything that’s wrong with her hair.

The experts keep touting “being kind” as the most important quality they’re looking for.  I’m guessing this is because of that crazy dude from a few seasons ago?  Anyhow, we meet 37 year old Bryan who is a “very kind” online advertiser.  So…..spam?  Pop-up windows?  That kind of thing?  Bryan practices yoga and has neck tattoos.  He’s also a not-really Buddhist.

PastorCalvin wants to hook up NotBuddhistBryan with LavendarBeachCruiserHeather because they have what each other is looking for and, as Rachel reminds us, they are sexually compatible.  I don’t see it, but they would definitely make gorgeous children.  Dr. Pepper poopoos this match though, because Bryan wants someone exotic looking, whereas Heather is an all-American blond.

Rachel recommends hooking RealtorLillian (24) with LifeguardLee (29).  This is a TERRIBLE match.  For starters, Lee is way too hot for Lillian and he is surrounded by bikini-clad women.  I’m not saying Lee would cheat, because I have no idea, but there’s no way Lillian would handle that well.  Not to mention, Lillian seems significantly more career motivated.  Dr.Pepper agrees with me.  Why am I so much better at this than these new experts? #HIREME

OH HELL NO.  PastorCalvin tries to hook up MyHusbandTom with HighMaintenanceMakalya.  The rest of the experts start to agree with him and I’m instantly furious.  There’s a bit of a concern about how MyHusbandTom isn’t Makalya’s type.  They’re right.  And that’s why I don’t like Makalya.  This match isn’t squashed immediately like it should be.

nopeYes we can, PastorC…but only in the context of what a terrible idea it is and how you should be fired for making the suggestion.

Quinton and Brandi are the next suggestion, which I don’t like because Brandi thinks that filming herself put on makeup for no money is a job.  That said, they both seem pretty bubbly and I’m actually starting to see this match as having some real potential before PastorCalvin tells us that Quinton dropped out.  Bummer.  I liked him.

The “experts” keep rattling on about what a big responsibility they have to “get this right”.  I have no real reason to mention this, other than I think it’s funny how seriously they are pretending to take this and it makes me giggle.  They also keep pushing the whole “THE ONLY WAY OUT IS DIVORCE!” line, which might have worked 50 years ago, but the impact of that threat is pretty soft.

So- it’s time to hear who the Big Losers Winners are:

sonia nick

  1. StilettoSocialWorkerSonia and SometimesSmokerNick

Actually?  I can totally see this one.  They are both good looking, decent people, who seem motivated and fun.  Well done, Dr.Pep.

Derek is so stoned, you guys…

heather derek

  1. LavendarBeachCruiserHeather and LittleDogDerek

Um, sure?  My bigger concern here is that we’ve had no black singles yet and I’m thinking that’s gonna kick MyHusbandTom out of the mix, which makes me want to quit this show all together.  Anyhow, Heather and Derek are prefect for each other because they have both traveled a lot for work and are boring.  Or something.

Huh…well, I guess no black people on this season because couple #3 is:

tom lillian

  1. RealtorLillian and MyHusbandTom!!

Obviously, I’m very excited that Tom made the cut, but I……I……don’t get the appeal with Lillian.  Her wannabe hombre hair bugs me and also she’s marrying my husband.  I went back through my notes trying to figure out who I would have preferred Tom to be with, but my only other option is the virgin, which…  Maybe the stoner chick with the fake red hair whose name we never learned?  The experts are very excited about this match and they list a bunch of reasons why, but jealousy clogs my ears.

And that’s it for this first episode!  I’m not sure I will be doing full recaps for every one of these because for some reason, these types of shows tend to be a bit more labor intensive, but I will at least knock out a 10thoughts for it.

As always, you can find us on twitter and don’t forget to sound off in the comments, letting us know YOUR thoughts on the season premiere of Married At First Sight.

Recap written by Liz