Everyone ready for a quick Joe Gorga history lesson? Here goes- back in the 1800s, cavemen went out and hunted food that they would later bring back to their women to cook up in what I can only assume is a thatched roof mud hut. This is the life Joe Gorga wants and he is getting very frustrated with Selfish Wife Melissa for ruining his dreams. I like Joe Gorga, so I choose to stick my thumbs in my ears and continue to believe that this Neanderthal behavior is mostly just for show. Over at Envy, Melissa is getting the store ready for their grand opening. So far, it looks great; like one of those expensive boutiques you would always see the girls from Laguna Beach or The Hills shopping in, but you know you could never afford. That said, Melissa’s jewelry line was pretty affordable, so I have hopes that she’s done the same here.
You guys. YOU GUYS. It was just a snippet at the end of the scene with Teresa and her lawyer in the car, but I’m pretty sure they were implying that Teresa was headed off to record the audio version of her new book. CAN. YOU. EVEN. IMAGINE. (Also- her lawyer says that the book is “[Teresa’s] own words”, implying there wasn’t a ghost writer. And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.) We’ve never heard Teresa read aloud (for obvious reasons) but we’ve heard her speak off the cuff for years so I can only imagine how bad the audio version is. I need it. Someone gift it to me via audible.com whenever it comes out (is it out already?!). Anyhow, the rest of this scene is Teresa and her lawyer (whose name I never bothered to learn) talking about the tabloid rumors concerning her possibly divorcing Joe. Teresa explains that yes, she has old school values, but she wouldn’t stay with JuicyJoe if she weren’t happy. Eh, I dunno. I think Juicy has definitely cheated on her (we all agree that wasn’t a work call, right? Right) but I think unless she walks in on it, Teresa is going to remain willfully ignorant.
We finally get to learn a little bit more about Siggy’s homelife! Siggy has two teenage children, which sounds like a nightmare. Her son is always over at his friend’s houses and her daughter is always on the phone. Siggy says that she fights with her daughter over her cell phone use every day. Um, maybe take the phone away? If I had been on the phone every time my mom tried to speak with me, I would have no phone. My poor kid is gonna be so pissed when I take away his hologram machine or whatever is cool in 14 years from now. No holograms until you’ve finished your homework!
Over lunch, Siggy tells Jacqueline that she wants to ask Teresa about all of the articles in the press that say she’s leaving Juicy. Siggy says that because she’s a relationship expert*, the only way for her to have a genuine relationship with Teresa is for her to stick her nose in where it doesn’t belong. This is an obvious shit-starting move on Siggy’s part. Anyone who has watched the show knows that Teresa doesn’t like to be confronted with tabloid rumors. We all saw her turn on Jacqueline when she asked about them. So this all feels a little calculated to me. Will this be the start of the two warring sides; Jac & co vs Teresa & Melissa?
*how does that happen, exactly? What does one have to do to become a “relationship expert”? According to her wiki page, Siggy is a matchmaker who, after an amicable divorce with her first husband, because HIS matchmaker. Wow. Also, how does one become a “matchmaker”? My only experience with matchmakers is Patti Stanger and her Bangs of Anger. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Siggy intrigues me and I need to know more.
Further evidence that this “Joe Gorga is a Man and Men don’t take care of their children” story is put on is when the Gorga children all act like assholes, hitting their dad and demanding breakfast. If this were Milania, I’d say it’s all par for the course, but the Gorga kids have always seemed polite and well behaved. I’m just sayin, something’s rotten in Denmark here.
I was right! Teresa is recording the audio for her memoir! It’s actually a sweet and sad scene because Teresa can’t get through the dedication without crying. I think Teresa is a hot mess, but leaving your kids for a year is torture so thinking about that, and seeing her cry, always softens my cold black heart a bit. Teresa’s dedication focuses on her youngest daughter, Audriana, because Teresa was worried that her baby would forget her or feel abandoned. Ouch. Also- if Teresa is going to make it through the reading of this book, she’s gonna need some valium.
In an editorial meeting, Teresa tells her team that the women she met in prison were not the “bad people” she’d always assumed prisoners are, but instead they were just normal folks who made mistakes. Teresa is hoping to be on the NYTimes best seller list (she later is) and we see the cover of the book. It’s pretty. I wish I could wear heels without falling down immediately. Have any of you readers read Teresa’s book? Or more importantly, listened to it? I’m curious to hear your thoughts. According to the reviews on Amazon, it’s so poorly written that I might be wrong about the ghostwriter. Or, they hired a ghostwriter who tried to dumb it down to sound like Teresa wrote it. Either way, I can’t wait for the Lifetime Original Movie.
In case I’m wrong about Joe Gorga’s chauvinistic thing being an act (fairly good chance of that, btw), I would hope that by staying home, he realizes everything that Melissa does and what she brings to the relationship. Mostly though, he just seems put out and pissed off. Both fellow recapper Kerry and I have traditional gender role reversals in our homes (we work while our partners are stay-at-home-dads) so we tend to bristle during these scenes.
We meet Dolores’s daughter Gabby, who has dreams to become a veterinarian (for livestock? Is that called something different? I should know this. My high school had a cow farm on it). Dolores is so proud of her daughter for taking school seriously and not just following in Dolores’ footsteps (meaning forgoing college and starting a family at a young age). Dolores wishes that she had taken school seriously and feels as though much of the hardships in her life are because she never got a higher education. My mom used to say the same thing to me before she went back and got her master’s degree. That said, my mom has her master’s, my sister went to Cornell and I (the high school drop out with no degree but a million community college credit hours) now have the most stable job of the three of us, so what does that tell you. We also get to see Gabby give her guinea pig a bath. So that’s fun.
The Laurita’s are in serious financial trouble. And I know that it’s serious, because Chris is hedging all of his bets on a popcorn company. You read that correctly, a popcorn company. This bums me out because I really like Jac & Chris and want them to succeed. But I feel like the popcorn market has sort of already been cornered, hasn’t it? Also- Chris grabs Jac’s boobs in this really juvenile way. It makes me cringe.
Melissa’s hair looks awesome. I really like her shorter hair with the lighter color. That’s all I really have to say about this next scene because they are beating the shit out of this dead horse plotline. Joe doesn’t want Melissa working. She gonna work anyhow and needs him to man up with the kids. Yawn. Melissa tells us that Joe was the one who taught her to have balls and go for what she wants. He made her this way!
I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!
Speaking of “I learned it from watching you”, Siggy is upset with daughter Sophie for wearing too much make up. Also, I know that Siggy might just be playing this up for the cameras, but seriously- if the phone is a problem, take it away. I thought maybe Sophie was some rock star in school and thus had earned her bratty cellphone behavior, but we see that she got a 73 on a science test. I can’t express to you all of the privileges I would have lost if I came home with a 73 on any test.
We sit in on a business meeting with Chris for “The Littlest Kernel”, which is his popcorn line. Apparently Chris wants to develop a “good for you” line of snack foods because it’s so hard to find food that his son Nicholas will eat. I think he implied that the company would be helping autism? Not totally clear how though. Like I said earlier, I want good things for the Laurita’s so as skeptical as I am here, I’m crossing my fingers and vow to buy a bag if I ever see it out on the shelves.
Teresa has decided to take each of her girls out individually for some special attention. This evening, she’s taken Gabriella (aka the one who looks like JuicyJoe) out rock climbing with Siggy and Sophie since their daughters are the same age. Upon arrival, Siggy wastes no time and immediately asks about the tabloids. I am SO. UNCOMFORTABLE. I love Siggy, because she seems fun and cool (and also because she retweets our shit like crazy and my love is easily bought and sold) but I’m really uncomfortable while also impressed with her moxie here.
And then a crazy thing happens. Teresa is totally chill about Siggy’s line of questioning. Both Siggy and I are surprised. Teresa tells us in a talking head that in the past she may have gotten offended, but she’s okay with this line of questioning now and is happy to hear that Jacqueline had her back. Personally? I think Teresa is trying to be on her best behavior and knows she can’t afford to alienate people. Bravo waited a year to film this season just so that Teresa would be on it. That’s a lot of pressure. On a HumanLevel, I’m glad she didn’t take it the wrong way. On a reality tv level? Eh…I would have enjoyed a good Teresa throwdown.
Yes. Yes it is. Thanks Tre.
Melissa is getting ready for Envy’s opening and her sisters Lysa and Kim are there to help out. Lysa is emotional because this is one more milestone that their deceased father won’t be witness to. Their dad died when Melissa was 17 and she is emotional about his absence. She tells us that at every big life event, she and her sisters just remind themselves that there dad IS proud and is looking down on them. Later in the car with Joe, he tells Melissa not to worry about her dad missing out because he’s with her, sitting next to her right then and there. I can’t be snarky about these scenes. They’re sweet. My dad died when I was 23. RIP Dads Who Went Too Soon.
Jacqueline is as surprised as I was that Teresa seemingly didn’t care about Siggy butting into her business. Jacqueline has a touch of jealousy when she hears how cool Teresa was with it. Jacqueline wonders why Teresa would be so comfortable with Siggy’s intrusion, but fly off the handle when she inquired about Teresa’s personal life. My guess is that Siggy ultimately doesn’t matter to Teresa like Jacqueline meant to her. If a stranger or an acquaintance gives you a hard time, it’s ultimately no big deal. But when a friend hurts you? Different story.
At the Envy launch, Joe Gorga gives Chris Laurita shit because he seems “nervous” about JuicyJoe coming to the event (even though he doesn’t actually show because as Teresa tells us, “Joe doesn’t care about women’s fashion”). I know Joe Gorga is just giving him a hard time, but Chris does seem nervous. If I had to guess, it’s because this show is the Laurita’s main source of income and it’s important to be in good with the Guidice’s because apparently they run this shit. Ashley gives her mom a hard time about Teresa only texting her when they are in a group setting. I get where Ashley is coming from and can understand why she’s being so protective, but I keep getting distracted during her talking heads because she looks just like Jacqueline. It’s freaky.
The grand opening is a success. There are no fights, no tables flipped, and while there IS an awkward moment when Chris Laurita tells Teresa that he misses his bromance with JuicyJoe, that’s really about it. What is it about Chris in these scenes? He seems…dimmed down, or weakened? Like a nervous puppy or something.
Joe Gorga pulls Melissa aside to congratulate her and tell her she’s the best wife. And then there’s an impromptu fashion show where Joe gets into a dress, because he’s that kind of uber macho guy who also loves to cross dress. You remember those guys from the high school talent show? That’s Joe.
The last scene of the evening is between Teresa and Juicy where she’s giving him a pedicure. The most important thing we learn from this is that in Teresa’s absence, Milania has been shaving Juicy’s back. I’m shocked to hear that Milania does anything for anyone else, but I’m guessing she gets some sick pleasure out of it. I love Milania. She’s the best future evil dictator on television.
Teresa wants Joe to get into yoga. Because it helped her so much and Juicy is flexible. Or something. Teresa and Juicy have a manufactured conversation that attempts to put the tabloid rumors to rest, but it doesn’t instill confidence when she says to him “if you cheated on me- there’s no forgiveness. You know that, right?” and he replies, “Mmmm”.
Chris Laurita extends the olive branch and calls Juicy to ask for a playdate. Or, dinner party at Jacqueline’s. Juicy doesn’t have any real issues with the Lauritas and he and Teresa agree to forgive but never forget. Which is not the Lauren Conrad way.
According to the “Next Week”s teaser, the Laurita/Guidice dinner party gets the ball rolling on our main feud for the season. RIP Lucy & Ethel. But yay for finally getting some drama!
As always you can find us on twitter and don’t forget to leave your thoughts on this episode and the season so far in the comments section!
Recap written by Liz