If you’ve been following us on twitter, you know that I made some very poor decisions two weeks ago, one of which was me having too many train-drinks and trying to ride my bike, resulting in a busted ankle and a fucked up wrist which has made typing near to impossible. On top of all of that, Kerry’s having hell-week at her RealJob so she has had no time to pick up my slack. We are bad recappers and we apologize. Obviously, this is very overdue so let’s get started.
We jump right back in where we left off with Luann storming out of Dorinda’s dinner party. Guys, I fucking hate this show now. I really do. After Luann leaves, the rest of the women squabble about what their Real Issue with Luann is. Dorinda feels Lu has alienated herself from the group which is probably the only legit complaint mentioned, but why wouldn’t Luann distance herself? Bethenny has decided that Luann is public enemy #1 and Lu’s too busy hanging out on her pink love cloud to really be bothered. Bethenny insists that her issues with Luann stem from the return of The Countess. Yawn. At one point, Jules tries to shut everyone up with a “she’s in a relationship and she’s happy. Why can’t we be happy for her?” to which Carole replies, “We’re her friends and this is how friends talk”. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Let me repeat that. When speaking about Luann, CAROLE replies, “WE’RE her FRIENDS”. No ma’am. No ma’am, you are NOT her friends. Sonja is her friend, Dorinda is her friend and Ramona (when her head isn’t stuffed up Bethenny’s ass) is sometimes her friend. But Carole and Bethenny have made it very clear that they are not Luann’s friend, so spare me your bullshit Carole. God dammit. There used to be a time when I really liked Carole and I feel like that was a million years ago.
Jules is too nice of a person to be on this show. She’s trying so hard to stand up for herself and if she wasn’t so spazzy she could have maybe gotten through to…well, not to Bethenny but maybe Carole? But Jules is spinning like a top in this scene and even though her message is on point (i.e. Bethenny’s jokes are at other people’s expense, whereas Jules is a self-deprecator), her delivery is ten kinds of wonky.
Jules feels like Bethenny and Carole have been talking about her marriage (did we see any of that? I don’t think we did) and her eating disorder (oh, Jesus. Constantly) behind her back. Bethenny smells a rat in Dorinda and demands to know what she’s told Jules. Dorinda won’t admit anything other than what we’ve seen on camera which her encouraging Jules to talk with Bethenny about their issues. All Jules wants is for Carole and Bethenny to bring their concerns to Jules instead of whispering about them behind her back.
Here’s the thing. Ultimately, Carole is right. All friends talk about each other behind their backs at least a little. The difference here is that it’s on camera. If you’re going to discuss a concern you have for a friend, maybe don’t be so public if that person isn’t there to defend themselves. But then, Bethenny knows what’s she’s doing when it comes to this reality tv shit, so like I said before- Jules is too nice of a person to be on this show.
As per usual, Bethenny takes the opportunity to make it all about herself. She tells Jules that she’s been distant because of her own history with ED through her mother. Jules tries to contribute to the conversation and gets shut down immediately by B who screech/bellows: “I AM GOING TO SPEAK NOW”. Bethenny gets all worked up about how hard it is for her to be around Jules. Bethenny also says that she had the “worst” and “most traumatic” childhood. It’s gross. Bethenny is gross. I used to adore her and now she makes my stomach turn.
Jules also gets worked up to the point where she admits to having purged three days before. Eating disorders are lifelong diseases and while I like Jules and think she’s been a pleasant nice-person balance to all the bullshit this season, I’m aggravated that Bravo felt it would be okay to hire a woman with such a serious control disorder to be on the next of chaos that is Housewives. I think in some other setting Jules could be a good spokesperson for the disease, but being here just feels like I’m watching a recovering alcoholic who’s trying to work at a bar.
Carole insists that she and Bethenny haven’t been talking shit, and then proceeds to talk shit about Jules to Dorinda while Jules is sitting right there. Now, I will give it to Carole that it IS hard to go to dinner with someone who’s got food issues. And so many of the Housewives events are dinners which is why I’m frustrated with the producers on this one, but Carole is being downright cunty.
The hypocrisy is in full form at this dinner. Bethenny tells Jules that she is upset with her now and in a talking head Bethenny tells us that she doesn’t like how Jules “came at” her and so now B is shut off. So basically, Jules was upset because she felt like B&C were talking shit (which they have been), Jules expresses that (albeit in a spazzy emotional outburst) and now Bethenny is “done” with her. Whereas Bethenny screamed “SLUT” in a grown woman’s face and berated that women for hours at Dorinda’s vacation home and yet Luann was able to let that go for the most part.
Ramona, aka the world’s most self absorbed and oblivious person ever, decides to interrupt this shenanigans and tells the girls that she’s organized an overnight trip to Mohican Sun (a casino?) and she wants them all to come with her. Bethenny spits out an “I’m not coming” and I snort.
For the record, I would happily watch a show with Bethenny as the star assuming everyone else on it was an actual friend of hers who she liked and didn’t want to hurt the feelings of. Because I think B is snarky and funny but when her digs are directed at people she doesn’t actually care about she comes off as cruel and crass.
Luann and Ramona meet up the next day to hash things out and both women are pissed, because of course they are. Ramona feels like Lu should be bending over backwards in gratitude, thanking Ramona for all the hard work she’s done trying to get Lu back in Carole & Bethenny’s good graces. WAT. When? When did that happen? Holy shitballs is Ramona delusional. Ramona is also pissed with Dorinda for ratting her out.
Ramona’s advice about how you should wait a year and go through hardships with someone before you know if you’re right for marriage is not bad advice. In fact, it’s the sort of thing I would tell my children, and mean every word. But Luann is not Ramona’s child and Luann’s relationship is none of Ramona’s business. As a friend, sure you can bring up your concerns, but once your friend dismisses them, you drop it unless you think they are in physical or financial danger. Luann is in neither. Ramona needs to drop it, but that is not the Singer way.
Also- spare me this “girl code” shit because it does not apply to strangers. If I can steal your man away from you, then he wasn’t really your man in the first place and I ultimately did you a favor. My punishment is being with a guy who can be so easily swayed. Or maybe soul mates do exist and it was fate or some such nonsense. Either way, Ramona isn’t friends with whoever Tom may or may not have been seeing and Luann is happy with him now so who the fuck cares?
Luann is pissed because she feels like she was in a good place with Ramona until all of this went down. Interestingly, Luann felt the most supported by Carole and is glad to feel like they’ve gotten over the hump. Cut to real time where they very much haven’t.
Carole has invited “the ladies” (aka, Bethenny, Dorinda, and Ramona) over for ChefAdamPizzas and she tells us in a talking head that while she isn’t sure if she was collateral damage or if she was Jules’ intended target, she and Bethenny were “attacked for something [they] didn’t do”. I’m going to refrain from using my standard Kristen Taekman “delusional” gif right now, but please know how hard it is for me to restrain myself.
Bethenny’s pissed because she feels she’s treated Jules like a “piece of glass”, and considering how aggressive Bethenny usually is with people, I’d say she’s right about that. I’m glad Bethenny can recognize how aggressive she can be, even if that’s as far as that bit of self-reflection goes. I think it’s pretty telling that the day after Jules begs the women to not talk about her disease behind her back, that’s what’s happening. That said, Jules did sign up for the show. I was bummed when I heard she would be a one-and-done housewife, but now I think it’s for the best course of action for everyone involved. By the way, Carole is also right that Jules’ anger should have been directed more towards her than Bethenny.
Sonja is throwing a dinner party at her Grey Gardens-esque townhouse where only Dorinda & John, and Jules & Michael are invited. I’m assuming Lu didn’t make the cut so that Sonja could avoid an awkward run in with her ex-fuck buddy. For the record, I 100% believe Sonja. She has no reason to make that up.
I think Sonja’s date is hot. He’s got that sexy older European dude look and I dig it. He’s also age appropriate for her which I like. Jules is sure this is going to work out because Sonja is so fun, and Rocco is Italian. So. You know. Match made in heaven. Turns out, Sonja already knows Rocca and finds his worldly connections thrilling. And then Jules and Dorinda do that thing that I hate where they start commenting on what a cute couple Sonja and Rocco make right in front of them. Don’t do that. It’s too much pressure and it’s weird.
The American guests make fun of Sonja for her giant napkins, but Rocco appreciates the history behind them and doesn’t think it’s weird that Sonja has these relics from her past. I don’t know what it is about Sonja, but I get upset when people tease her if it looks like she’s taking it to heart. I appreciate Rocco putting her at ease.
Dorinda applauds Jules for “finding her voice” at the dinner party with Bethenny. Jules is mostly just feeling anxious about the whole thing and it probably doesn’t help to hear from Dorinda that Bethenny definitely took it personally. Ultimately, both Sonja and Dorinda are proud of Jules for speaking her mind. Jules feels like there’s something wrong with Bethenny (there definitely is) and she tells us she’s never met a woman who has such difficulty not having issues with people. It’s true, too. B has gotten in a tiff with every housewife except for Carole. That says something to me. Jules has decided that she isn’t going to share any intimate details about her life with Carole and Bethenny ever again. I’d imagine Regina George and Gretchen Weiners of NYC are probably fine with this decision.
Ramona rented a party bus and the women file on, all ignoring the elephant in the room (Jules’ feud with Bethenny) and you just know that Ramona is NOT going to stand for that shit. She drops a few hints about “having fun” and “not arguing”, hoping someone will take the bait. Because Bethenny’s not in the mood for Jules or any of this nonsense, but is still contractually obligated to attend (that is until she usurps Andy Cohen, once and for all), she changes the subject to Luann’s engagement that was just announced publically.
Bethenny whines that if she and Luann were truly friends, maybe Bethenny wouldn’t have heard about the engagement in the press, but would have received a text. That’s fucking rich. Why on earth would Luann reach out to Bethenny? To Carole’s credit (I really love NiceCarole, you guys…) she reached out to Luann to congratulate her. Good for Carole.
If you haven’t already read Jules blog from this episode (and yeah, she obviously didn’t write it but whoever did was spot on in their assessment), then you’ve already heard about Planet Bethenny. And one of my favorite things about Planet Bethenny is that the people who live there seem to think that as long as you are a foot away from someone and not looking in their direction, you can talk shit and they won’t hear it. Which is exactly what Bethenny proceeds to do on the bus with Dorinda while Jules pretends to be checking her phone.
see that white sleeve holding the red phone? Yeah, that’s Bethenny. Who is talking shit while Jules is sitting right next to her, because Planet Bethenny.
Bethenny is offended that Jules doesn’t get her humor. After all, B is “the funny one”, RIGHT YOU GUYS? RIGHT?!! Dorinda tries to defend Jules, but Bethenny scolds Dorinda for talking “really loud”. Um, Bethenny? You are in 100 square feet of space. Dynamics aren’t really the issue here.
Bethenny has decided to use the party bus for a little conflict resolution with Sonja. One thing I will agree with B on is that it’s impossible not to love Sonja. So Sonja is back in Bethenny’s good graces because B can only focus on one feud at a time. Jules dared to confront the queen, so she’s the main target now. I’m glad Bethenny made up with Sonja if only because I can’t stand it when people are shitty to Miss Morgan.
Also- can we give Sonja some credit for taking herself out of the equation and giving Bethenny space? I know that both Luann and Ramona wanted Sonja to talk it out with Bethenny but I know, and you know, and Sonja knew, that time heals all wounds and Bethenny wasn’t ready to make up yet. Not to mention, she hadn’t picked her new victim yet, so the timing really wasn’t right.
Let us know your thoughts in the comments section and as always you can find us on twitter. Thanks again for your patience with this!
Recap written by Liz