Last week’s emotional episode featuring two new housewives and while Teresa’s return to her family was great, we were robbed of hearing the new taglines and judging those suckers is one of my favorite things to do at the start of a new episode.  Fortunately we jump right into them this week after the Previouslys:

Jacqueline:      Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, you better run                

(eh…c+?  I’ve always liked Jacqueline but I’m not sure she works as the villain of this show.)

Melissa:           I always act like a lady, but now I think like a boss

(B – a solid B for this one because ya know what?  Melissa DOES always act like a lady.  She doesn’t flip out like the rest of them unless she’s heavily provoked.  And I’m happy for her that she’s finding fulfillment outside of the home)

Dolores:           I was raised Jersey Strong, nothing in this life can shake me.

(D – Super generic, super boring.)

Siggy:              Some people think I’m too much! They’re absolutely right

(A – I like this one, but I also really like Siggy and that adds bonus points)

Teresa:            I used to flip tables, now I’m turning them

A+ for two reasons.  1- This tagline references one of the greatest moments in Housewives history and 2- I love Adele and anything that gets her music stuck in my head wins my stamp of approval

We pick right back up where we left off on Teresa’s release day.  Her lawyer makes a statement to the paps who are buzzing around the Guidice’s front gate saying that Teresa wishes them all a Merry Christmas and encourages them to go spend time with their loved ones (instead of kicking around her house waiting for a photo op).  I’m guessing none of them took him up on the offer.

jaccry

Over at Jacqueline’s house, she and Dolores watch the lawyer’s statement online and Jacqueline starts to cry.  I get it.  She has her issues with Teresa (lord, don’t we all) but she does have a history with this woman and she wants the best for her.  Female friendships run deeper than possibly any other non-familial relationship in the world.  It’s why betrayals hurt so much and why even when you’re hurt, you will still have a soft spot for a girlfriend you once considered family.  It’s also why make ups happen as often as breakups.  I recently reconnected with a friend I thought I’d never hear from again.  She wasn’t in prison or anything but it always weirds me out when a Bravo show has parallels to my own life.

Wait- how does the Guidice family justify a brand new Lexus?  Who paid for that?  Was it a gift?

Joe and Melissa are cautiously optimistic.  They’ve managed to develop a real relationship with Joe and Teresa’s parents that they didn’t have before Tre was in jail.  Melissa is determined to keep that relationship going but she doesn’t know what to expect from Teresa.

Over at Teresa’s house, Milania is getting her eyebrows waxed.  It hurts, but Milania feeds off her own pain almost as much as that of her enemies.  Teresa calls Joe Gorga asking if he can pick them up and reminding him that she has to be back home by 11:30pm.  Joe knows how hard it is for his parents to see their daughter in an ankle bracelet since she was the “perfect” one when they were growing up.

xmasphoto

For the record, I take no issue with Teresa selling her family Christmas photos to a magazine.  She’s gotta make money somehow and it’s not like JuicyJoe is bringing home the bacon.  Like Teresa says, her face has never been more profitable than it is right now.  I’m all for her taking advantage of that.  Gia’s being a diva during this photoshoot though which is weird since that’s Milania’s job.  Joe Gorga shows up to bring the fam to his house and he doesn’t understand why the Guidices are hiding from the paps.  Uh, because pap photos don’t bring in any money Joe.  People magazine paid top dollar to get the exclusive rights.  Get with the program. (I love Joe, but you just know he and Melissa are salty that no one is waiting outside their house to take tabloid photos.)

Seeing Teresa with her parents makes me choke up a little.  Teresa has always made it clear throughout the years how much her parents mean to her and I know being away from them was hard.  Even if she put herself in that position.  It’s hard when one of the people you love the most disappoint you.  And even harder when you disappoint them.

HAHAHAHA.  JuicyJoe wants everyone to remember that Christmas is not just about presents.  It’s about Jesus, who was resurrecte- wait, no…was this when he died?  Teresa sets him straight (it’s Jesus’s birthday for those of you playing along at home, although most historical scholars say that was probably more like March sometime and Christmas was just lined up with a pagan holiday, but that’s neither here nor there) and reminds him that this is exactly why she wants Juicy to go to church with her.  Juicy is such a galoot.

melissakitchen

Teresa follows Melissa into the kitchen to berate her into being friends.  Teresa wants them to be friends because she needs it for her image it’s important to Joe.  Melissa agrees, but wants it to be a real connection.  As per usual, Teresa tries to browbeat Melissa and make her feel like the demise of their relationship is and has always been Melissa’s fault.  I’ve never bought into that.  Teresa comes off as so insecure and jealous around Melissa who, to her credit, has always tried to respond gracefully but sternly to these accusations just like she does in this scene.

Teresa tries to go way back and bring up shit that happened 5-6 years ago, which is not the way to move forward.  Take my friend who I just reconnected with- for the most part, we’ve been sharing photos of our cats and talking about what condiments are the best in the world (A1, obviously).  There hasn’t been word one of the shit that broke us up and I think you have to go through a period of cat photos before you can get into the nitty gritty.

Also- one of the reasons I’ve always disliked Teresa is that she loves to tell people what they shouldave done.  Teresa always feels like people shouldave done whatever would be best for Teresa, as if that’s all it takes to be a good person.  I’m thinking Teresa and Juicy shouldave not committed fraud, but that’s just me.  Again, to Melissa’s credit, she doesn’t throw that into Teresa’s face.  By the end of the conversation, both women manage to come to an agreement which is that from now on- they have each other’s backs.  Good.  I hope Teresa means that.

dolorestherapy

UGH.  I hate this new reality tv trope where one of the cast members goes to therapy.  I especially hate it when it’s used as a tactic to help us get to know the person.  I’m making a prediction right now- Dolores will be relegated to the “friend” role by season 8.  Also, the therapy session never feels genuine.  Although that might be me projecting because I can’t get through a therapy session without having at best a minor emotional breakdown.  I can’t have difficult conversations without crying.  Even if I’m not sad.  It’s a curse.  Anyhow, Dolores has a history of dating men who cheat on her.  That’s the gist of what we learned.

Gia wants to go out for New Year’s Eve and Teresa pronounces “espresso” with an “x” which is on my list of Worsts.  Gia is 14, which means she’s a high school freshman, I think.  Teresa is inclined to let her go as a reward for how good she’s been this year.  I can’t really relate because I always spent NYE at home where I was allowed to drink and my friends were invited.  We lived on 8.6 acres and as long as no one drove home, my mom didn’t really care.  My mom makes a bomb-ass margarita.

While Teresa was gone, Gia stepped into the matriarch position in the Guidice house and as such, she has had to suffer the consequences which include Juicy calling her names.  This time it was “fathead”.  JuicyJoe is such a piece of shit, but I can’t get too riled up about him because he is just so epically stupid.

jacashlee

Jacqueline says “espresso” correctly.  If later in the season, you wonder why I’m still #TeamJac, this is why.  Jacqueline checks in with Ashley who is apparently planning on moving out of the house because she needs to have sex with her 30 year old boyfriend.  Which, yeah okay.  I get that.  BTW- in RealTime, Ashley is pregnant, so yeah.  Ashley also looks like a Jac clone in her talking head.

We learn that Melissa has a BA in elementary education but she never got to use her degree because Joe wanted her to be a housewife (something I’m assuming she willingly agreed to).  It’s a shame because it seems like Melissa would really know her way around immature little shits who can’t stop with the paste eating.

I know I keep giving Joe Gorga the benefit of the doubt and I shouldn’t, at this point, but I just want to believe that he’s playing this shit up for the camera because I like him.  That said, both Kerry and I are the sole breadwinners in our house- as in her husband and my man-friend (a term I just made up because “boyfriend” feels so high school and we have a kid together and just because we don’t believe in marriage doesn’t mean he should be stuck with a juvenile title) are stay-at-home-dads.  Our guys are super hands-on with the kids while we bring home the bacon, so yes- this whole shtick from Joe feels very antiquated.  But it also feels producer set-upy to me.  I think if Joe really had a problem with it, he wouldn’t have had his construction crew work on Envy.  That said, tv show or not, he shouldn’t talk to her that way in front of her employees.

doloresbirthdayinsert massive eye roll here

I don’t think I’m a fan of Dolores.  I decided this when she and Teresa went out for a manicure and she pulled the “oh, my brother is texting me because it’s my birthday” but then when Teresa asked why Dolores didn’t mention it earlier, Dolores goes on to say that she didn’t want to bring attention to the fact that it’s her birthday even though that’s exactly what she just did.  What a fucking Eeyore.  Anyhow, this whole exchanges results in Dolores deciding to have an impromptu birthday celebration that includes Jacqueline.  Teresa is nervous.  And I guess she should be since Jacqueline is her #1 enemy this season or whatever.

Teresa and co. have a big party going for NYE and everyone is invited except for most of the rest of the cast (including the Wakile’s +Rosie!).  Fortunately, the cast-offs, so to speak, have gathered at Jacqueline’s.  I’m torn here, because while I would never want to miss the chance to see Milania ruin an evening, Rosie is the best person who has ever been on a Bravo show, period and I want to be her best friend.  Rosie is upset to be in the castoff group since she and Juicy have only gotten closer while Teresa was in prison.  But I guess since Rosie never mended fences with Tre, she’s out, as Heidi Klum would say.

There’s an issue over at the Guidice’s.  Gia was originally told that she could be out til after midnight but now Juicy wants her home before the ball drops (dear lord that is not a euphemism).  I think Gia is in good shape either way because there’s no chance that Juicy will be sober enough to know what’s happening by midnight, right?

jacspeakerum, yeah bitch.  It’s sorta how phone calls work on this show…

I’ve never seen a Bravo contract so I can’t state this for certain, but have we ever seen a phone call happen without it being on speaker phone?  No.  No we haven’t.  That’s the deal.  And Teresa called Jacqueline on speaker, so for her to get pissy about Jacqueline answering the call on speaker is ridiculous.  Teresa is a ridiculous person.  I’m glad she’s back with her family or whatever but my good graces are running thin.

That said- I’m not sure Jacqueline had any right to focus on how bad she felt for herself during that phone call.  Teresa’s two cousins were in that room and they didn’t get a phone call, so whining about how “weird” it was, was a shitty thing to do.

wakiles

Just a head’s up- all of you who are into selfies?  Enough with that already because Teresa doesn’t do them.  And that’s a chick who has her finger on the pulse of what’s cool.

Dolores arrives at Jacqueline’s house and Jacqueline does not feel as warm and fuzzy about her call from Teresa as Dolores does.  Dolores feels like this is a cultural issue – Teresa was raised to hide her feelings and Jacqueline wants to talk about everything.  I’m not sold on Dolores, but she’s right on this one.

Back at Teresa’s, Gia gets home right after midnight and she’s overwhelmed by the emotions of it all.  Do the kids on this show get paid?  Gia needs to be getting some sort of compensation for the shit she’s dealing with.  I’m not concerned about Milania, as she will be ruling the world within the next 10-15 years, but Gia needs to be on the payroll for what she’s had to endure.

Where the fuck was Siggy.

Recap written by Liz

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