Folks, as most of you know, I busted the fuck out of my right side a week or so ago and I haven’t been able to type or exercise.  I don’t care so much about the exercise part as I was never much of a fan in the first place, but not being able to type has greatly hindered my ability to recap and for that I’m sorry.  I appreciate you all for your patience and I hope you will accept this 10 thoughts in place of your regularly scheduled full recap.  Fellow recapper Kerry usually rocks the 10thoughts but she’s had a crazy few weeks at work so I will try my best.  Here goes:

But first, a side note:  I fucking love Kelly’s house.  It’s gorgeous and I want it.  I would deal with a terrible marriage too if it meant I could live there.  Personally, I’m a mid-century modern chick, but if I didn’t decorate my home that way, I’d do it Kelly’s way.  All white with pops of color.  It’s ridiculously pretty and tasteful.  Plus, she has a closet to rival all housewives’ closets (THERE IS A BAR IN THE CLOSET).   Kelly’s place is hands down my favorite housewives home that doesn’t belong to Lisa Vanderpump.

1. Shannon Beador is the Stassi Schroder of the OC minus the quipy awesomeness. Shannon has no interest in making up with Vicki and really, I don’t blame her. Vicki continues to deny that she lied (OH MY GOD WE ALL WATCHED THE REUNION SO WHAT THE FUCK), and she cries to Shannon saying that all she wants is their friendship back.  Nope.  Not gonna happen.  (I mean, probably next season, but whatevs).  Like I’ve said before, if you are the one who did the hurting, you don’t get to decide when it’s time to move on.  However, the audience has a time limit on most cast member grudges and it’s delicate work to ensure you don’t let that go too long.  I’m not sure that Shannon has amassed enough good grace to carry this hatred on forever.

2. Here’s the thing about “bullies”. You do not get my sympathy if you have been an instigator, manipulator, divider, asshole and then suddenly the tide turns on you and you are handed back a taste of your own medicine. Vicki is notorious for being shitty to the new girls.  So when she tries to give this sob story about just wanting to be friends with everyone again, it’s completely fair for Meghan to point out that they have never been friends.  Because that’s true.  If you have been really shitty and people call you out on it, that is NOT you being bullied, that is you finally getting what’s coming to you. (DO YOU HEAR ME DANNY FROM BELOWDECKMED?!)

3. I think some people just aren’t meant for reality tv. Jimmy Edmonds is one of those people. By all accounts he is a perfectly nice guy who probably loves his third wife very much and is moderately interested in having another child, i.e. in making that third wife happy.  I know he has a hard time mustering any enthusiasm and I can’t say if this romance will last but I certainly don’t want to judge a marriage based on some dude who hates being on camera.  That said, come on man…you KNOW the cameras are there.  Just give Meghan an ounce of happy face so that she doesn’t have to deal with the twitter-twats calling her a fool and saying you don’t want this baby.  I’d like to see an ounce of the sweet, excited Jimmy that Meghan talks about on social media and WWHL.  It would go a long way with the viewers.

4. Is it just me or did it look like Briana didn’t want her health scare to be filmed? Also- I love Briana.  Briana is the sole reason I don’t hate Vicki and want her to stick around.  Question- do you think it was a total coincidence or a producer set up that Tamra’s Ryan’s Insta-Sarah was in the gas station that Vicki pulled into and thus was available to babysit Briana’s kids?  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Just kidding.  We all know what that was.  But it’s super blasphemous sweet of Vicki to say it was a gift from God.

5. Tamra owns a sleeveless hoodie that says “SPIRITUAL GANGSTER” on it. I am begging you all- someone please buy this for me.  I’ve never needed anything more in my life.  Also- Sarah looks sooooooooooooooooo skinny. She used to be healthier looking, right? I know that no one is shocked or surprised that Ryan and Sarah didn’t work out, and while I’d like to take this moment to remind everyone about the importance of birth control- I spent all morning playing with my son who was conceived while I was on the pill.  So shit happens, I guess.

6. Who is still buying that Kelly and Meghan are real friends? Anyone? Hello?  Bueller?  Yeeeaaahhhh…..So here’s the thing.  Meghan played her game last year and it worked- she got a second season.  But Kelly is smart enough (I do not buy for one moment that she hasn’t watched the show before so don’t even try me) to know that staying under the radar and siding with the herd will do her no favors.  Kelly’s only move is to side with Vicki if she wants to stay on the show and eventually leave her seemingly emotionally abusive Mr. Clean husband.

7.  Vicki is stuck being Grandma full time which I think is kind of awesome. Vicki wishes parents still used “play pens” (btw- someone send me some play pens ASAP) instead of letting their kids run wild like Owen and Troy do.  I don’t usually like Vicki, but I see myself in her as a parent.  GET IN YOUR PLAY PEN, CHILD.

8.  Shannon wants to throw a stoner party. Good for Shannon. I appreciate Shannon for having a tv-dinner perspective of the 70s instead of a Disco one.

9.  You guys- never go out to eat with someone who is uber into fitness and health. Don’t do it. That said- I know Shannon hates Vicki now or whatever and I get why but to imply that Briana would leave her husband just because Vicki bought her a house is pretty cruel.  Leave Briana out of your bullshit Shannon.

10.  Yeeeaaaaahhhh, I don’t like Vicki, but if I got that text or email or whatever from Shannon I’d send glitter covered poop to her house. I like Shannon but only to a point. Fuck off with your passive aggressive bullshit, Beador.


Soooo next week looks crazy.  That should be fun.

10thoughts written by Liz