My apologies to all of you for how late the recaps have been this week.  On Tuesday night, my train was delayed for an hour because some jackoff wouldn’t move off the tracks and the group sitting near me decided to order rounds of drink and then we all got into a rousing debate about race relations and white privilege.  Because, SF Bay Area.   Needless to say, I got drunk.  And while I would have never in a million years got behind the wheel of a car in that state, I seemed to think that I could maneuver a bicycle and tried to bike home.  I made it about 15 seconds before running my bike into a pole and landing on my ankle which is now very, very sprained.  Don’t drink and bike, folks.  You’ll hurt yourself and will look very, very stupid.  I laid there for a few minutes giving my best Nancy Kerrigan impression before calling the boyfriend and getting a ride home.  You’d think that being stuck on the couch for a few days would be the perfect excuse to get recaps done, but mostly I’ve just gone wildly off my diet and started watching The Good Wife.  Logan Huntzberger!  Anyhow, let’s get started on this week’s Below Deck Med, shall we?

We pick back up right where we left off with Captain Mark telling Hannah that the guests are picking up on her distaste for them.  Hannah’s disappointed to hear this because in her 5 years of yachting, she’s never had anyone complain about her service.  Captain Mark takes it about as seriously as I do, and figures it’s probably just a personality issue.  I’m glad he feels that way, but does the guy ever really punish anyone?  If you paid attention to social media last week, the “guests from hell” made it pretty clear that they felt like they were on the boat to make a great episode, not to be great guests which makes me take everything shitty they say and do with a grain of salt.  I appreciate shitty guests because they usually makes the crew come together and it also makes for better TV, but this now feels a little contrived.

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Julia is getting progressively more and more frustrated with Ben and what she perceives as his snide comments.  I want to be on Julia’s side here, but I feel like I’m missing something.  Later on deck, Danny stands and watches the guests take pictures and in general continues to be useless.  Bryan asks Danny and Bobby to jump in the water and clean the lower sides of the boat (while adding in a lame crack about Jen taking a 4 hour shower if she were to do the job).  Bryan tells us that if Danny were an awesome deckhand, he wouldn’t care so much about how friendly he is with the guests, but considering it takes time away from Danny’s Real Job, it’s an actual problem.

You guys.  YOU GUYS.  Tiffany was cleaning one of the guest’s rooms and she found a bloody tampon on the floor.  Now, look…I think we’ve all had one of those moments where we were getting frisky and things were headed in a certain direction and we remembered ‘Oh shit!  I’m still stuffed with fluff!’ and you pull a tricky move where you take something out before allowing another something to come in, but it is of the utmost importance that you retrieve the foreign object immediately afterwards and dispose of it.  Because otherwise, you are a disgusting human being.  No one else in the world should ever have to handle your bloody tampon.  Ever.  No matter how much you are paying someone, used tampon disposal is your responsibility and yours alone.

The guests have presumably been alone for over 15 minutes so they are pissed and want snacks and drinks.  To be honest, and I hate to side with the drunken blunder twats, but if I were lounging on the deck of a super yacht, there really ought to be a bartender there the whole time.  I want a bartender with me at all times in general, but definitely when I’m on vacation.

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That said, as much as I want to play “grain of salt” with these guests because I know they are being extra dickish for the cameras, as an ex-server, my biggest pet peeve would be when a table would order everything in piecemeal fashion, aka one person orders a drink, then I come back and two more order, and then the first person orders some other random thing, then the 4th person has a separate order, etc.  It’s maddening and is probably the reason I had a serious hatred towards my fellow man for a solid 10 years.  Julia starts to break when she notices Danny sitting in the crew mess doing nothing while she’s running back and forth to serve those douchenozzles.  She snaps at him and it makes me happy.

Also- Danny wants his phone back because Danny doesn’t understand the concept of consequences or punishments.

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So on Tuesday night, Kerry tweeted my favorite thing in the whole world (see above) and from the likes and retweets we got on it, I think it’s going to end up as our most popular tweet to date.  My biggest frustration with this season has been the lack of seriousness that Captain Mark seems to take with crew fuck ups.  Captain Lee from Below Deck OG has always said “Not my circus, not my monkeys” but implied that on his ship, Danny would not still be there and I believe it.  I have this rule with fiction writing (and it was a big issue for me with the show True Blood as well), but it applies here too and that’s this:  “If anything can happen, then what’s the point?”  If there are no rules or boundaries, then why are any of us bothering to do the right thing or be the best that we can be?  Danny sucks and I hate to say this but Captain Mark sucks for giving him his phone back and going back on his word.  Even Danny himself says that all he’s learned here is that “everything is negotiable”.  UGH.

So I was talking to Tiffany (aka my BFF) the other day on Twitter, and I was telling her about how my son is a unicorn because he barely ever cries and sleeps 12 hours a night and she responded with a picture of her in that unicorn mask and the text “me too!”  And then we realized that both Tiffany and my son drink straight from the bottle.  It was freaky to realize all the coincidences between Tiffany, a grown woman of 30, and my son, a large headed fellow of 8 months.  Anyhow, that’s my braggy way of saying “I’ve seen Tiffany wear that unicorn hat before this episode aired”.

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So at this point, even Jen is fed up with Danny.  Oh, by the way, Jen read last week’s recap and called it “drivel” and went so far as to ask me if I was being paid by Bryan to not come down hard on him.  It was awesome.  I love it when Bravo stars giving me marketing plugs, like when Shep called my Southern Charm recap “fantastically wrong on several key points”.  That was a great day too.  All of this is to say, thanks Jen!

The guests want croissants, which the boat does not have, so Julia asks Bryan to run to the local bakery and pick some up.  All of that is normal and shouldn’t be cause for drama, right? In the meantime, the guests order some breakfast burritos and a fruit platter, which Ben handles.  Again, all above board and no issues, correct?  The croissants arrive but it turns out that only one guest wants that and the rest still want burritos.  Ben’s fine with it, so as of right now, it’s so far so good.  Also- I just noticed that the boat has the same espresso machine as the one my office used to have before they replaced it with an even fancier one that makes cappuccinos, which my office manager only got so that she wouldn’t have to get coffee at the shop next door for executive management meetings because she’s a lazy twat.  She’s a lazy twat who thinks it’s acceptable to start up a conversation with you when you’re on the toilet, which to me is the mark of a psychopath.  Do you hear me, Lesley?  A PSYCHOPATH.

Oooookay.  So we get into #CroissantGate and here’s exactly what happened from an outsider’s perspective.  Tensions are super high. These guests are demanding and have overstayed their welcome.  This is the 7th charter of the season and everyone is a little stir-crazy and over it.  Usually the crew gets their day off and a night out but they are still on their crazy on-charter schedule so everyone is a little loopy.  Bryan kick starts the whole issue by trying to get validation for a job well done by going and getting the croissants.  He’s looking for a pat on the back and asks how everything went with them.  Ben as already displayed that he is in no mood because we saw him snap at Danny and Ben has had seemingly endless patience with Danny which means he’s obviously he’s cranky.  So Ben undercuts Bryan’s attempt for an “atta boy” by saying that the guests didn’t even need the croissants until later.

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Now, the reason he said that is because when Julia wasn’t sure when the croissants would get there, she had Ben make the breakfast burritos and mentioned that they could just eat the croissants later.  Bryan arrived earlier than expected so Jesse, the guest who wanted the damn croissants in the first place was able to cancel his burrito order and swap it with his original order.  Julia, overhearing what Ben said, corrected him because she’s been bossed around for the last 24 hours straight and was tired of feeling like things were out of her control.  These guests have been dicks all charter, so getting their breakfast order right was a big deal for Julia. She felt like she had gone above and beyond by handling the croissant situation and didn’t like how Ben was belittling it as an important guest need.

Did you follow all of that?  Basically this is an argument over delicious pastries that would have never happened if everyone was operating on more sleep and the charter guests weren’t so shitty.  Julia is very upset, but my big take away from this scene is that Julia and I cry almost identically.  We both have that big gulp of air sound after. every. word. so. it. takes. forever. to. get. out. what. we. are. trying. to. say.  Ben, who only misunderstood what Julia initially said, is confused by the whole situation and doesn’t get why Julia is making such a big deal out of this.  Everyone is just wound up waaaaaaay too tightly.

Also- Julia seems to feel like Ben has an issue with her because she’s from the working class north part of England, and he’s from the posh south.  Maybe so.  I know literally nothing about the class wars of the British, but considering Ben hooked up with Kat from season’s 1 & 2, I’d say he isn’t as upper crusty as Jules thinks he is.  I stand by my “everyone needs some serious sleepy times” theory.

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Jen doesn’t know how to drive a manual which is disappointing.  I learned how to drive on my mom’s stick shift Chevy truck and am totally one of those people who looks down on folks who can only drive automatic.  But do you know who DOES know how to drive manual?  My home girl Tiffany!  So she gets to leave the laundry room and escape the boat to go on the field trip with the guests.  Bobby, Bryan, Danny, and Tiff all head out on ATVs with the guests and Danny is pissed off because Bobby and Bryan are taking pictures with their phones.  Danny feels like this “isn’t fair”, which is just further proof that he doesn’t even remotely understand why he had his phone taken away in the first place.  He showed charter guest pictures from a previous charter. That was the issue.  UGH.  #FIREDANNYFORTHELOVEOFGOD

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Back on the boat, Ben is still confused as to what happen with him and Jules, so he confronts her about it.  But, like….not in a nice way.  I truly think he was just confused, but he’s way too aggressive about it.  The best part about this whole exchange is Jen hiding behind some tin foil and cleaning supplies like a terrified mouse (see cover photo).  Here’s the problem.  Privately educated or not, Ben’s a better arguer than Julia is.  And when you are a good arguer, you pretty much always “win” every discussion you’re a part of.  I’ve never “lost” an argument.  But it took me years to realize that relationships aren’t made and maintained by “winning” arguments.  It’s not about being right or being wrong.  It’s about acknowledging that the person you are talking to is hurt, and you don’t get to decide if someone has the right to be hurt or upset.  But you can make it better. That’s the power you DO have.  And that’s so much more important than being right.

Julia is not wrong that Ben came from a life of privilege.  He tells us himself that he played with Prince William and Prince Harry as a child because his father was a famous best-selling author.  But he respects his father because he came from nothing and Ben left England to strike out on his own as a chef. Yes, he probably had a leg up as far as opportunities went, but he’s worked very hard, has never wanted to take the easy way out, and doesn’t feel as though he’s better than anyone else.  Call me a sucker, but I believe him.

Back on the ATVs, Danny is livin’ it up with the guests and desperately missing his phone.  Except later when the ATV crew gets called back to the boat, Danny hands something to one of the lady guests and tells her to put her information “in there”.  So that was his phone, right?  RIGHT?! God dammit, Danny.  YOU ARE THE WORST.

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Obviously I’ve made it clear that my loyalties lie with Tiffany, but I’m not crazy, right?  She has the best attitude on the boat and other than the first couple of episodes where Hannah was pissed with her, she’s managed to get along with everyone and stay positive.  Oh, and she rejected Bryan when he was being a douche in the hot tub even though she was three sheets to the wind.  Tiffany’s the best.

After a successful dinner service (aka the guests loved the food and shouted loudly about how great Hannah has become), Ben and Hannah take a moment outside after the guests have gone to bed to catch up on the Julia situation.  Ben feels like Julia is taking out her frustrations about the boat on him and his upbringing and he’s actually more sensitive than people think he is.  I love Ben, but he does that thing which is one of my arguing pet peeves where he gets super hyperbolic and whines that he isn’t “the worst person ever”, and it’s like, um, no one fucking said that, dude.  The Boyfriend does this when we argue and it makes me crazy.  Because it puts me in a position to defend him when I’m angry with him because of course he aren’t the worst person ever.  Like Hannah says, that’s Hitler.  Or Mrs. Beverly, my middle school art teacher.  Fuck you, Mrs. Beverly.  You know why.

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Both Ben and Jules are still feeling wounded from their row the day before.  I think Julia had no idea what shit she was stirring up in Ben when she called him “privileged”, and other than his accent, I don’t think she had any real basis to call him that.  Ben’s always struck me as a chef who is passionate about food but doesn’t put himself above the team.  He’s affable and mostly kind.  Anyhow, it’s a bummer to see him so upset and impacted by what Julia said.

Next week looks crazy!  Is that Tiffany making out with Ben?! Also Bobby yells at Julia for being a flirt and Danny calls Bryan a baboon-faced something or another.  Will Danny get fired for this?  HA.  Of course not…

As always, you can find us on twitter and please let us know your thoughts in the comments.  What do you think it would take for Danny to get fired?  What would he have to do?  Murder a guest?  Throw the Captain overboard?  None of the above?  Let us know!

Recap written by Liz

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