When last we left our heroes, the crew was doing their best to murder Danny. And while I totally sympathize, it’s time to get that little nymph to a doctor, because the paperwork can be such a bitch when someone dies. Captain Mark asks Bryan who he can spare to go with Danny to the hospital, and naturally he offers up Jen. Jen is wildly insulted by this, but who else would have gone? I could maybe see my homegirl Tiffany getting pulled for the job, but Jen works closely with Danny and is the only member of the deck crew that even likes him. Bobby going makes no sense, and Captain Mark only asked Bryan which deckhand should go, so Tiffany wasn’t even an option. Jen hates everything that’s happening all the time and it’s such a freakin bummer. She sucks to watch. I’m sure I’d like her enough in real life- where she’s surrounded by her dogs and Starbucks, but holy shnikes is she a Bitter Betty on this boat.
Literally the best guests ever (one of whom left a comment on last week’s recap, endearing me to her for life) have asked for a jeweler to come on board because true luxury is bringing the shopping to you. It’s why I love amazon.com so much. These women are a DELIGHT. They invite Capt. Mark down for dessert and he seems much more comfortable than Capt. Lee from BelowDeckOG ever did. Don’t get me wrong, Capt. Lee is my homedog. But Capt. Mark seems less nervous. Maybe he’s less nervous in general and that’s why he REFUSES TO FIRE DANNY. Whoa, sorry. Got away from myself there for a moment. Danny hasn’t even fucked up yet. Easy, Liz…easy….there’s lots of time left….Anyhow, the Charter Guests from Heaven are wasted. But they are polite wasted. Which is the very best wasted that a person could be.
Truer words have never been spoken, Capt. Mark…
Danny gets back from the hospital and he has some sort of gastro inflammation which means that he needs to eat bland foods and rest for another day or so. And all that’s fine and well, but I’m too angry with myself to think about that right now because for a brief and fleeting moment I had the thought “oh that’s a shame, I bet these ladies would have really enjoyed Danny’s shenanigans”. And so now I hate myself.
There’s a big debate on the boat now that Danny’s back as to whether or not he should get his tip since he was in bed for the entire charter. Ben, Danny’s ultimate protector, comes to him and recommends that Danny forfeit his tip in order to gain the respect of his fellow crew members. This is spot-on, excellent advice, but Danny is concerned about not being able to send money home to his family, which I begrudgingly respect. I will give Danny a lot of credit for at least recognizing that Ben’s advice was solid and I appreciate him following through on it. Capt. Mark says that he will take under advisement.
The guests leave and the crew is sad to see them go. They have been, without a doubt, the best charter guests I’ve ever seen on this show, which always warms my heart but it doesn’t always make for the best TV. Capt. Mark abides by Danny’s wishes and splits the tip up among the remaining crew members. Why the fuck am I feeling sorry for and endeared by Danny right now? I lead the charge on the #FireDanny movement, for Christ Sakes! I blame being a mother. I’m hormonally disposed to being endeared by the sick and helpless. I need a shot of whiskey or something to fix this. Actually- I’m going to bed. Will wake up refreshed tomorrow, ready to hate Danny all over again.
Aaaand we’re back. Good morning, readers! Picking back up, the Golden Girls left the crew the largest tip they’ve had all season, securing their spot as the best guests ever.
Ben, Bryan, and Hannah meet to talk about the new guests who all have unfortunate last names like “Biter” and “Mothman” (or something like that). Ben and Hannah agree to write out a menu an hour before service to avoid the communication issues that they’ve been having. We know going in that these are supposed to be the Guest From Hell so I’m looking for little clues in their preferences sheets but I don’t think demanding a costume party is too out of the ordinary. All four men being considered co-primaries is interesting and likely to lead to a “too many cooks” type of scenario.
Something I’m always fascinated by is how much English accents can tell a person who knows how to decipher them. Julia tells us that upon meeting Ben, she knew that he was privately educated and from a well-to-do family. In the states, we can tell if someone is from New York or the Mid-West by their accent, but it is rarely an indicator of status or class level. I suppose that the closest thing we have to that here is the different Southern accents that can vary by region and a thicker drawl can sometimes indicated less education, but not always. Not to mention, a “southern” sounding accent can occur in any region that’s rural, regardless of the state or proximity to the equator.
Now that Danny is healthy (or at 80%, as he says), he has once again begun to royally piss me off. HealthyDanny is a sniveling dipshit who is completely disrespectful and feels like it’s okay to talk back to his superiors. I hate him. Bryan asks Danny where the list is that he made him write out before he got sick and Danny doesn’t have it because the list is in his mind, bro. UGH. Danny tells his boss Bryan (HIS BOSS!) to stop talking about it and when Bobby jumps in, they start going at it as well.
Once again, Ben attempts to get some solid advice through to Danny; namely to keep his head down, do the work, and to try to grin and bear it. Danny hates being “fake”, but we all hate it when he’s being “real”, so it’s in his best interest to give “fake” a shot.
Do you know any of these people? If so, have you poured a drink on their faces yet? If not, what’s wrong with you? Get to it.
The Guests from Hell arrive and the tour of the boat which usually takes Hannah a good 7 minutes, is now lasting well over an hour. I’m not one to begrudge someone for having a good time but they won’t stop interrupting Hannah which is exceptionally rude, no matter where you come from or how big your bank account is. Hannah has been in the business a long time and can already tell that these guests suck. She misses the Golden Girls and I don’t blame her. Hannah warns Ben that the guests are garbage people and the chef and chief stew vow to be cool to each other during this charter to help things run smoothly.
The guests either showed up already shmammered (totally likely) or they are total lightweights (most definitely) because the ladies (an overstatement, if I’ve ever written one) are falling all over the place and the guys are being rude as fuck to Hannah every chance they get. These guys also have that “bro-humor” which is probably the worst kind out there. They think they are hilarious. I hate that. At least Tiffany seems to be getting on with them, which I credit to her Florida roots. As a fellow Floridian who was in the service industry for over 10 years, this is typical clientele behavior, so she’s probably used to it.
I hate Danny for many reasons, but two of the biggest are that he is both presumptuous and oblivious, which is a terrible combination. Danny is a little piss ant who can’t help himself from whining about having his phone being taken from him on the charter. Instead of asking himself, “hmm, what did I do to deserve this punishment and how can I make it not happen again?” (oblivious) he has decided to ask Bryan if he can take a jet ski out IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHARTER to go check out some caves (presumptuous). But you know what? I almost don’t blame him, because he’s had no real consequences for his actions, so why wouldn’t he keep overstepping boundaries? Frankly, I blame Captain Mark, who seems like a swell guy but is clearly a terrible disciplinarian. (Spoiler alert- this works to Hannah’s benefit later.)
Sidenote – a message to all people, but especially all men. Never ever and I mean never tell a woman to smile. It is so fucking demeaning and obnoxious. Just don’t do it. Please.
Anyhow, the guests are completely hammered and totally whiney so I get why Hannah is so annoyed by them. I wonder if being on a tv show attracts a different type of clientele that Hannah isn’t used to, because she always seems a bit shocked by shitty guest behavior. Mostly these people remind me of the drunken buffoons I served for years as a server/bartender/cater waiter in various southern states.
On deck, Bryan wants Jen to learn how to tie a bowline knot because she doesn’t actually know how to and she’s being real pissy about it. I’m with Bryan on this one. It’s her job to know how to do this and it’s his job to make sure that she knows how to do this. Reader question– anyone else desperately wish Tiffany was the female deckhand this season? She’d kill it and have a way better attitude. Awesome female deckhands has been one of the cooler features on this show and it bums me out that we got stuck with Jen the Grumpus on this season.
I also wish Jen wasn’t so buddy-buddy with Danny because I want to like her but between Jen’s shitty outlook and her guilt by association, I’m having a hard time seeing the good. I get that Bryan can be boorish at times, but I don’t think he’s a terrible manager. Jen and Danny just don’t want to be managed, and that’s hardly Bryan’s fault. Everything Bryan has asked them to do was their job. Also- Jen seems to think she “told Bryan off” which is under no circumstances what actually happened.
Julia is handling breakfast service, and of course the guests are acting like pigs. This is to be expected. I’m excited though to learn my new favorite insult which is “knob-rash”. Thanks, Julia! Here’s what I hate about these guests. They think it’s really funny to bitch and moan and belittle other people who are working to serve them. They think it’s okay to yell “the service is horrible!” while Julia is standing 4 feet away from them. That’s what they think is funny. And that’s why they are garbage people and can fuck right off. I’m actually really glad they took this charter because now there is internationally viewed documentation that they are complete and total…well…knob-rashes.
The drunken blunder twats have decided to extend their trip, which is going to go over like gangbusters with the crew. They’ve also somehow managed to pick up on Hannah’s general distaste for them, and has asked Tiffany to take over as lead stew while they are on board. While I think it’s shitty to complain to Hannah’s boss, putting Tiffany as the stew with the most contact makes sense and will result in the best charter for everyone involved. We Floridians are old pros at dealing with these types of people and Hannah’s at her wits end. Captain Mark has to break the bad news to Bryan, Ben and Hannah and no one is more disgruntled by the news than our Chief Stew. I guess the benefit to Captain Mark’s go-with-the-flow attitude is that he doesn’t criticize Hannah for the guest’s comments about her and is understanding when she expresses her frustrations. I like that, but for the record, I’d take Hannah getting yelled at if it meant Danny getting fired. I like Hannah, but I’d rather her take one for the team if it meant never having to deal with Danny’s bullshit again.
Speaking of Danny’s bullshit- it looks like he does something stupid with his phone on the next charter. I can’t even bring myself to muster a hashtag fire Danny here because I just know it’s pointless. He’s that stain in the bathtub of your rental home that you can’t ever get out no matter what you do. I hate him.
No sir. I will tell you what’s not fair. What’s not fair is that I love this god damn show and because the Captain refuses to fire this little shit stain, I have to watch his bullshit week after week after week.
If you also hate Danny, we’d love to hear from you in the comments, or if you are one of the few Danny supporters, I encourage you to leave your thoughts as well (assuming you are comfortable with being completely and utterly wrong). As always you can find us on twitter and we look forward to hearing your thoughts on this episode as well as the show in general; where you think it’s heading, and who will score a spot on the Season 2 boat!
Recap written by Liz