Southern Charm Reunion Part 1 – Full Recap

So I’m just going to say it- this season kinda sucked.  What used to be fun about this show was watching the guys all squabble like real housewives but for the most part the women kept their composure and were decent people.  This year, however, the mean-girl slut-shaming got so out of control that it became unbearable to watch.  Kathryn is not blameless in this mess, but the reason I am always less hard on her is because she is basically still a child.  She isn’t even 25 yet and she has 2 children with an alcoholic man child.  Every other main cast member on this show (save Craig #New or otherwise) is over 30 and the life experiences that occur between the start of your 20s and the end are immeasurably impactful.  If you disagree with me, then you are under 25 or over 45 and can’t remember.  Don’t tweet at me, I don’t care.  So forgive me if I gloss over main parts of this recap or if I go into any drunken rants (baby shower, bottle of Prosecco, not a good enough story to type out here).  Anyhow, let’s get started…

First things first, Whitney calling Andy “Andrew” is a perfect example of everything I don’t like about Whitney.  Moving on from that, the first segment is about Shep, who T-rav says handles being on the show the best and I agree.  Andy starts off giving Shep some shit for not settling down which is totally fair since Andy is married with two kids.  Except he’s not, so…  Shep is a 36 year old with loads of family money.  Why the fuck would he settle down?  And if you haven’t met the right person, then settling down is exactly that- just settling for something.  I’ve said this before but Shep is gonna do Shep until the right girl comes along and until then (if that even ever happens) he is hurting no one and seems to be honest and respectful to the women he’s with.

Speaking of, Andy brings up the “apology tour” Shep went on after his “DTF” comment towards Bailey.  I feel like his apology should be required reading for all current and incoming housewives.  THIS is how you apologize, folks.  Shep took a moment that could have resulted in the audience turning on him and instead of defending his actions as a joke or saying he was “just telling it like it is” or any other bullshit line we hear so often from housewives, he manned up and wrote a beautifully eloquent apology, acknowledging how wrong he was.  This bought Shep a ton of good will in my book and is a true reflection of his character.  No one is perfect.  People make mistakes all the time.  But it’s how you handle those mistakes that matters.

I STRONGLY disagree with the viewer who said Shep talks about women in a “flippant and cavalier way”.  Other than the DTF comment which he profusely apologized for, I feel like Shep has always been intensely flirty, yes, but respectful and gentlemanly.  Also- I know some people got bent out of shape about Shep’s “work at a bank analyzing spreadsheets” comment, but it was pretty obvious that he wasn’t trying to insult bankers (if that’s even a real thing you can do).  I’ve heard plenty of people say “I could never work in an office all day” but never once have I gotten insulted because I work in an office.  I’m not going to even talk about the Cameran-Shep real estate partnership because that always struck me as a total bullshit producer setup plotline.

Cameran tells us that she’s been married for two years and her husband hasn’t given her a “dime of money” because she works so she’s not jealous of the richy-rich kids on the show.  For a brief moment, I wondered who bought their house and if they pay equal mortgage payments, but ultimately I don’t care.  The comment felt like a dig against Kathryn who has always been seeking support from Thomas.  On twitter a month or so ago, someone asked if the Cam-haters were just jealous of her life and I replied “nah”, to which Shep said that I should be jealous because of how nice Cam’s life is.  I had to explain to him that my lack of jealous stemmed more from a satisfaction with my own life rather than any distaste for Cameran’s, because that’s the truth.  I also think that people who are completely satisfied with their own lives don’t go around making digs about how someone else lives.  Unless, of course, that person writes a reality tv blog.  In which case, that’s sorta the gig.

Andy is right to say that we saw a different side of Cameran this season.  Fellow recapper Kerry has never liked Cam, but because I remembered her from The Real World San Diego, I was a fan for the first season and most of the second.  This third season, however, it’s been hard to stay #TeamCameran.  Cam tells Andy that she didn’t invite Kathryn and Thomas to her party because she doesn’t like drama, which makes me feel like maybe it’s time for Cam to leave the show then.  She is the least transparent SouthernCharmer and it’s no fun to watch someone who refuses to be vulnerable with the audience.  She also has a “take my ball and go home” attitude that is just a big turn off.  I’d rather keep Whitney and lose Cameran if we could only get rid of one of them, because there was at least one moment this season where we got to see past the facade and caught a glimpse of RealWhitney.  I’m of course referring to his talking head where he said he’s been in love before but very rarely to people love him back which was sweet and endearing.  We’ve gotten none of that from Cameran.    I wouldn’t mind it if she got relegated to more of a “friend” role, but having her as the narrator and appointed Head Girl is frustrating when she shares so little of herself.  And no- I am not counting her fake therapy sessions and “I don’t wanna have a baby” storyline.

I’m not the only person who’s been frustrated by Cameran this season, and Andy reads out a few tweets calling her a mean-girl and “holier than thou” which I agree with.  Kathryn reminds Cam that she referred to her situation with Thomas as “tawdry”, which Cameran denies for about two seconds before admitting she does believe it’s tawdry.  I just really like the word “tawdry” and appreciate it being said at all.  Cameran also insists that she takes up for Kathryn all the time.  I’m not saying she doesn’t, but there sure as hell have never been cameras around when it happened, which seems a little suspect.

At least Cameran admits that Kathryn has never done anything to her, which is correct.  It did seem pretty shitty for Cameran to roll her eyes as far back into her head as possible when Kathryn called asking to go to coffee and then reject the proposal outright the way she did.  Cam’s defense is that she and Kathryn aren’t friends so why bother, but Craig explains to her that getting coffee with someone is such a small thing that people were confused as to why she refused.  What’s the harm in getting coffee?  Cameran feels like she hasn’t seen any change in Kathryn, but she has spent almost no time with her.  Sure, she saw her at that Founder’s ball nightmare, but one could argue that in a low pressure setting like one-on-one coffee, Cameran might actually get to spend time with the Real Kathryn; not an emotionally charged bourbon-fueled Kathryn.

I’m not commenting on Cameran’s not-wanting-a-baby storyline because I don’t care.

It’s Craig’s turn to be put on the spot and the whole groups decides that the only discernable difference between #NewCraig and #CraigClassic is everyone’s favorite girlfriend, Naomie.  Also- Craig stopped drinking liquor, which Andy doesn’t see as a big change since Craig is still drinking beer and wine.  Andy is 100% wrong about this.  I am a fun-loving affable drunk until you get some shots in me and then I’m a total nightmare.  It’s much harder to gauge your tolerance level or to tell how drunk you are getting if you are drinking hard liquor because it hits your quicker.  Seriously- if your friends are complaining that you are a shitty drunk, lay off the hard stuff and stick to beer and wine.  It’s a remarkable difference.

We revisit Craig giving Naomie the “promise ring” which means I have to suffer through Craig’s baby talk in the scene where he gives it to her.  Baby talk is never an acceptable form of communication unless you are speaking to an actual baby.  Speaking this way to baby animals are also tolerable, but that’s it.  Craig tells us that the promise ring is actually an engagement ring.  Huh?  Cameran and I are both confused by this.  I heard no baby-talk proposal, so to me, that is absolutely Not an engagement ring.

Shep tells this story about being high on mushrooms playing whiffle ball in San Francisco (haven’t we all been there?) that would have probably been a much funnier story if half the cast hadn’t chimed in with a “this is the funniest story!” before he started.  Basically, Shep got arrested and one of the guards at the jail told him that he needed to be nicer to Craig, which I suppose put things in perspective for him.

Shep is still salty that Craig lied about the bar.  Oh, by the way, Craig totally lied about the bar. Turns out, he never even finished law school, because even though he walked at graduation, he didn’t turn in his final thesis.  So basically Craig’s been lying for a while now.  Wow.  And remember when Whitney randomly called Craig out on not having graduated when the boys visited Delaware?  He was right.  It was a total shot in the dark, but he was right.  Maybe Whitney is the Stassi of Charleston and he just has a sixth sense when people are trying to deceive him.

Shep has every right to be pissed at Craig.  Not because Craig has no serious intentions to become a lawyer (let’s be real, ya’ll) but because he’s been lying to the whole group for years.  And even on the reunion couch, he doesn’t seem to think it’s that big of a deal.  Anyone who thought Craig would be a lawyer by the reunion owes fellow recapper Kerry $20, but I’m going to double down on that.  I bet anyone $100 that Craig never ever becomes a lawyer ever in a million years no way no shape no how.

I don’t care about Landon. I haven’t cared about Landon all season. Unlike #RHOD’s Leeanne Locken, she doesn’t even inspire me to write that much hateful stuff.  She’s just pretentiously boring, like The Tree of Life, or War Horse.  Anyhow, Boring-As-Fuck Landon is proud to have really put herself out there with her collection of printed out pieces of paper website and says that Lockhart Steele (of Vox) has been really nice.  Good for him.  I hope Bravo is paying him a bonus check for putting up with her.

It’s really hard to watch these reunion shows as a Kathryn fan.  It feels like you’re watching a high school kid at an upper-classmen college party.  OH! Actually it’s like this (and this may be a bit obscure, but if you’ve seen it, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about).  In an early season of Degrassi: Next Generation, Craig takes Manny out on a date and from Manny’s perspective (she’s a few years younger than Craig), everything she’s saying is smart and the date was wonderful.  But from Craig’s perspective, all the date did was highlight how much older and more mature he was compared to her.  I loved that show.  Anyhow, it’s not Kathryn’s fault she’s younger and less quipy than the other Charmers, but she is.  So every time she tries to out snark one of them or act superior it just reads like a little kid who lost her way and ended up at the grown-ups table.  It’s a bad look.

At the very least we get an apology from Landon to both Shep and Kathryn for excluding Kat on the guest list for Shep’s birthday. But what follows is a bit more information as to why Kat and Landon are no bueno.  Kathryn told Landon to fuck off last season, but apologized afterwards.  Then, after the reunion taped, Kathryn went on a twitter spree talking shit about Landon.  But the only reason she did that, was because Landon went on the Valentine’s Day trip that Kathryn and Thomas had planned together, which Landon claims ignorance of.  Thomas makes some comment about separate bedrooms, but it’s unclear if he is referring to Landon or Kat.

Landon and Thomas are still denying they hooked up, and at this point I really don’t care.  I believe they did, mostly because of the creepy looks and innuendos Thomas made all season, but this is falling squarely into the “did Tom cheat on Ariana with Miami girl” arena, because even if it’s true, it really shouldn’t matter.  Kathryn and Thomas weren’t together at the time and Landon is not Kathryn’s friend.  The frustration Kathryn is feeling is clearly from being lied to, but she’s been lied to repeatedly by Thomas.  What else should she expect?

And then Kathryn and Landon accuse each other of sleeping with everyone.  I’d like to remind you all that earlier in the show, everyone was laughing about how Shep would rather go home “with a 2, than alone”, which is exactly the type of patriarchal hypocrisy that ruined this season for me.

Whitney still denies that Kathryn was anything more than a one-night stand.  But Kathryn has a very clear memory of Whitney playing his Chanel guitar (which cost upwards of $25-30k – lol), and telling her that he could see himself marrying her. That morning, Kathryn couldn’t work the coffee maker and they ate yogurt with granola.  In other words, Kathryn has very specific memories of the time they spent together.  Whitney continues to deny all of this, saying Kat has a vivid imagination.  If I made up a story that involved breakfast, I’d have come up with something better than “yogurt with granola”.  Whitney starts to crack and almost admits it was more than a one-night-stand but “it was three years ago, so…” Andy decides to take a break.  W.T.F. I get that Whitney is a producer, but come on!  We were finally getting somewhere!

We revisit the blow up between Whitney and Craig at Shep’s parents house which Whitney blames entirely on moonshine.  Okey dokey.  Andy notes the uncharacteristic rage that Whitney had that night as possible proof of Craig’s claims, but Shep feels like Whitney has hated Kathryn since last season’s Jekyll Island.  Nope.  They had issues way before that.  Personally, I think that Whitney probably was peeved by the way things went down with Kathryn moving on to T-Rav, but ultimately (like the rest of the charmers), he just sided with his friend Thomas over Kat in all of the fights the couple had.  I also think Whitney was frustrated that Kathryn came in and took over his show.  I would be too, if I were him.  But I’m not him, I’m me.  And me knows that Kathryn made this show interesting.

Kathryn is asked by a viewer if she and Thomas don’t understand how babies are made, but Kathryn says that they just forgot about protection in the heat of the moment.  And yeah, that totally happens.  Which is why after your first Oops-Baby you should get in IUD.  I was even taking the birth control pill when my oops-baby happened, and I’d walk through fire for my son, but I got the IUD put in as soon as possible post-partum to prevent that from happening again.  Different strokes for different folks, though.

Things take a sadder shift in tone when Andy asks Kathryn what she meant when she said she felt like the life she’d always dreamed of was within reach.  We get a montage of Thomas and Kathryn’s better moments together and it’s just sad.  I think if this show didn’t exist and everyone got out of their business (and if they eased up on the booze a bit), these two crazy kids might have had a real shot.

Andy brings up Patti’s Paternity Test Dinner and I’m instantly disgusted again.  Saint J is an innocent child and grown people are on national television suggesting that the only father he knows may not actually be his father.  It’s gross.  It was clearly an attack on Kathryn, but she’s not the one who actually gets hurt by this.  I was the most disappointed in Craig during that initial exchange and the most horrified by J.D. because he is Kensie’s Godfather.  There have been further paternity tests done and Thomas is the father to both of Kathryn’s children, so it would be nice if people apologized for their accusations, but other than Craig, that doesn’t really happen.

A viewer asks about Cooper’s comparison of Kathryn to Patricia and Whitney sticks up for his mom, explaining that she had a graduate degree and prestige at Kathryn’s age.  Kathryn goes into her usual “you don’t know me” song and dance and this whole thing is just so tiring.  People are just people regardless of where they come from or what they’ve done.  Fellow recapper Kerry is a doctor.  I dropped out of high school.  Yet somehow, we’ve managed to become friends.  It’s almost like two people in “different leagues” (as Whitney would say) can be respectful and supportive of one another.  I apologize for blowing your minds.

Andy asks Thomas about the twitter war he has been in with Kathryn, and he says he has “given all that up”, at least as of a few weeks ago, but Kathryn insists that Thomas has been a dick to her more recently than that.  We also learn that Thomas is paying Kathryn’s rent which is pretty ridiculous.  Kathryn is on a television show and can afford her own rent.  Thomas should 100% be paying child support and it’s nice that he pays for the nanny even when she’s with Kathryn, but he absolutely should not be paying her rent.

And lastly, we get to the drug test situation.  Kathryn insists that Thomas cheated the drug test and denies that she failed it.  The judge in the case refused to seal the records (which is insane since there are two small children involved) so soon enough we will get all the details on who failed and with what.  Kathryn storms off and that’s the end of Part One of the reunion.

I’m really ready for this season to be completely over, but I look forward to seeing and hearing from #FriendJen in next week’s episode.  As always, please sound off in the comments section to let us know your thoughts on this week’s episode, and you can find us on twitter as well!

Recap written by Liz

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