Back in the OC with my favorites Housewives, we pick up right where we left off. Sidenote- I’ve never referred to OC as my favorite in the franchise before but I think I’m just so burnt out on Munchausen’s and slut-shaming that hearing about Shannon Beador’s colonics feels like a welcome change of pace. Moving on- Heather isn’t buying Vicki’s “apology” and neither am I. Apologies are completely useless without real accountability. Vicki still refuses to admit that she was part of Brook’s lie, even though she literally admitted to lying at last season’s reunion (cough cough, Terri and the IV story cough cough). Vicki, as per usual, sees herself only as a victim in this scenario. Brooks lied to her too! Etc, etc, etc…
Thankfully Heather is able to cut to the heart of the matter which is this- no one cares what Brooks did. They only care about Vicki’s involvement in it. And considering she’s said repeatedly in multiple venues that if she could do it all over again, she’d still defend him and have his back, I’d say Heather is never going to get the type of apology that she wants. I also, by the way, don’t think Vicki is purposefully withholding an apology. I sincerely think she doesn’t believe she owes one because she feels like she got hurt the most. And she’s probably right about that, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t other casualties along with way and it’s her responsibility now to mend those fences. Once a Vicktim, always a Vicktim.
I love Jeana, but this shit is none of her business and she has no right to whine to the other women about how upset Vicki is. I do not doubt that Vicki is so sad, but she’s also the one who put herself in that position. I get that love is blind, but at some point you can’t help but lose respect for someone who repeatedly ignores red flags and defends the indefensible. Bottom line is this- Vicki doesn’t get to be the one who decides that it’s time to move on. This is a reoccurring problem with the Bravo show villians/victims. Everyone wanting Tom1 and Ariana to just “move on” from all of the heinous shit Kristen put them through is a good example of this. The only people who get to decide when they are over that is Tom and Ariana. And furthermore, being “over” something doesn’t mean you want to hang out with the person who did you wrong. I believe the great philosopher Lauren “LC” Conrad said it best-
Vicki’s right about one thing though- the women absolutely lost respect for her. And I don’t blame them.
Over at my dream house, aka Kelly’s beach pad, Kelly tells us that the best part about being a mom is having a “little bean” who is just like you. I wouldn’t know anything about that because my son is a carbon copy of his father, and other than his chin shape and occasional obstinance, I wouldn’t have any reason to believe he’s actually mine. Kelly is 100% right, by the way, that her daughter is putting on a front with this illness. I pulled that sore-throat-achy-bones shit constantly as a kid. My guess is they are running the mile at her daughter’s school that day. I always faked sick when it was time to run the mile.
Heather and Terry are headed to Turks & Caicos for a family trip in an effort to reconnect Terry with his kids. Speaking of the Debrow brood, daughter Max has made it into the talent show! Everyone is very excited for her, although Terry is more concerned about what the kids think his talent might be. After “butt zits” and “farting” are suggested, Terry walks off in a huff. Terry Debrow is a special snowflake full of wonderment and sparkle and those damn kids need to learn how to coddle him at all times. Tamra calls Heather to get the skinny on her conversation with Vicki. Tamra, like Heather, just wants Vicki to own up to the part she played in Brooks’ Scamcer, but like I said earlier, that is never going to happen.
If you haven’t been following along on social media during the off season, I want you to sit down because you’ve got a big shock coming to you here. Are you sitting? Good. So it turns out that Ryan and his insta-wife Sarah, are no longer together. You remember Sarah, the woman Ryan met on Instagram who he knocked up and got engaged to after roughly 5 minutes? Well as it turns out, these two crazy kids couldn’t make it work and now Ryan is a single dad. Tamra, who raised Ryan as a single mom, had hoped for more for her son, but we’ve known Ryan for 9 seasons now, and I’m pretty sure we all saw this coming.
Sarah is still living in the house Tamra put an 8k security deposit down on, and seemingly has no plans to move despite the $3,000 a month rent. Ryan is now in an apartment. Look, we barely known Sarah, so I’m hesitant to speak to harshly against her, but I will say that meeting a tertiary bravolebrity via Instagram, quickly getting engaged and not doubling down on birth control (especially when you already have 3 kids) doesn’t exactly speak to her having the best judgment. There’s an adorable little girl involved now too, so both of these jackoffs need to get it together.
Watching Shannon and David Beador on a dinner date makes me long for the passionate chemistry we got to see from Max and Faith from #PumpRules (RIP best relationship ever). David is gross. And it’s sad to watch Shannon trying so hard to keep the pieces of this broken marriage together. What’s even sadder is that hideous piece of costume jewelry that David bought for Shannon for Valentine’s Day. What. Was. That. Thing. To her credit, Shannon tells David she loves it and says in a talking head that usually the stuff that David buys for her will grow to become her favorite pieces even if she never would have chosen it herself. (Spoiler alert, this one was so bad that she returned it for something else. Good Call Shan)
Shannon hopes to someday say that the affair was the greatest thing to happen to their marriage, because look where they are now. I’d say that someday she’s going to be saying the affair was the greatest thing to ever happen to her personally, because it was the catalyst for her to eventually leave David and move on with her life. But that’s just me.
If I can make a request to Andy Cohen and the Bravo-Gods, it would be that I’ve got the patience for about 2 more episodes of “everyone wants Vicki to apologize correctly”. After that, I’d like to move on to other issues and dramas. I think we can all agree when these show’s A-plot targets one person over and over it becomes exhausting.
Kelly calls Vicki asking her to lunch, despite Meghan’s warnings and concerns. Kelly has come into this group as Meghan’s friend, but that is a terrible insurance plan (remember when Lydia came in as Alexis’s friend? Oh wait, you don’t remember Lydia at all? Exactly). Kelly likes Meghan, but she is no fool and can see that if she can get in good with Vicki, she has a better chance to stick around. Vicki, at this point, has basically no one to film with, but if she buddies up with Kelly, both of them increase their screen time. All’s fair in love and housewives.
Speaking of Vicki, she is hosting a Chamber of Commerce mixer in which looks like her office. Why not rent a hall? Also- I miss Vicki’s old nose. The popular nose-job style looks like something out of Fallout4 to me. Michael, Vicki’s son, is now the Vice President of her company (YAY for Nepotism!) and Vicki is proud to consider the business as her legacy that she is passing down to Michael. Vicki has a vast sea of personal issues, but she did all right with those kids. Briana and Michael seem to have their heads on straight for the most part.
Back in Turks & Caicos, Terry doesn’t know where his phone is and he’s mostly sure how old his kids are, so Heather is calling the trip a success! This has pretty much been the same storyline for the Dubrow’s since their first season, right? Terry’s a workaholic and Heather wants him to spend more time with the kids, so nothing new here. Later on, Terry and Heather ship the kids off to “kids club” and they enjoy a champagne nosh on their balcony. Terry admits to us in a talking head that he doesn’t actually feel that guilty about missing fam-time because he’s at the height of his career and is enjoying every minute of it. Here’s the thing about Terry Debrow. Terry Debrow is a god damn star and ain’t no little moppets gonna stand in his way. I love T-brow.
Eddie and Tamra are still butting heads over Tamra lending Ryan the deposit money for the house he no longer lives in. I can see both sides to this because they are both right. That is to say, Tamra never should have leant Ryan the money in the first place without discussing it with Eddie, but considering his position on the matter, I can see why she didn’t. Tamra says that when you lend someone money, you should just assume that that money is gone forever which is especially correct if you’ve leant that money to family. Only lend money to someone if you are comfortable with the fact that you may never see that cash again.
I’m not saying no one ever pays their family back for money borrowed, but if you walk in to the transaction assuming the cash is a gift, then if/when it’s returned, that will feel like a happy surprise. But Eddie isn’t wrong to feel like you just shouldn’t lend money to family, period. Especially if that family is Ryan. In other news, Sarah is apparently using Tamra to vent about Ryan which is pretty fucked up. I’m glad Sarah and Tamra have been able to maintain a good relationship for the sake of Ava, but any Ryan-talk should be taken off the table.
Vicki is desperate for an ally so at her lunch, she decides to give Kelly a crash-course on all things VGunvalson. For starters, Vickster teaches Kelly the intricacies of “whooping it up” before diving into everything that’s gone wrong with her life in the past 10 years. Vicki tells us in a talking head that she likes Kelly, which doesn’t surprise me since Kelly pretty much just sat there listening. #BFFL
Meghan invites Tamra, Shannon, and Kelly over to help her demo her kitchen. I appreciate that there is an activity here and not just a “come eat brunch in my construction zone of a house” that’s been so popular in recent years. What I do not appreciate is the complete and total lack of safety instructions given out before the construction worker handed the women power tools. Kelly, you don’t make the sawing motion while using an electric saw. That’s what the “electric” part is all about. She almost sawed her leg off three times. Safety first, people!
After the “demo”, the ladies sit down for some good old fashioned gossip-bonding time (Gossing? Bonssip?). Much to Meghan’s chagrin, Kelly decides to let the other ladies know about her lunch with Vicki. This is an obvious shit-stirring move because why on earth would a regular person act this way? I love it. I also love it when new housewives act like they don’t watch this show. There is no way in hell that Kelly is unaware of what’s going on here, so it reads deliciously false when Kelly plays ignorant to all of Vicki’s bad behavior. On a sadder note, we also learn in this scene that Tamra hasn’t seen her daughter in two years. What. The. Fuck. I mean, I knew stuff was really bad between them but that sucks.
We learn something very interesting about Michael and Kelly. As it turns out, according to Kelly, after she and Michael got married, Michael turned into Hitler. This is what Kelly WHO IS CURRENTLY MARRIED TO MICHAEL says about him on national tv. They were separated for two years, during which time Kelly got engaged to someone else. Michael refused to get divorced and eventually Kelly decided “it was easier to stay married”. I understand that to be on this show, you have to seriously crave attention, but for fuck sake… Kelly tells the women that Michael was tested and he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which presumably he has no issue with his wife sharing on national television because they’re “good”. This is also, by the way, after Shannon asks if she’s in love with Michael and Kelly replies “He’s a very nice person”.
I’m obsessed with this storyline. Here’s my theory. Michael is a crazy overbearing lunatic who refused to let his wife get a divorce. She faked nicey-nicey as best she could until the opportunity to be on this show came along. Now, she has a nationally publicized platform to speak out about her marital issues, embarrassing Michael to the point where he will be the one to file for divorce and finally she will be free. I think my theory also explains why her mother and brother live in the house with her. They are the extra buffer and protection that she needs until she makes her escape. I should also mention that I’ve had a full bottle of Prosecco because there was a baby shower in my office today, so I’m feeling conspiratorial.
And that’s all for this week! I’m excited about this season, are you all? Sound off in the comments section and as always you can find us on twitter!
Recap written by Liz