It’s a new season of RHOC!  I’m very excited to get the OG of this franchise back and I’m counting on these women to give me high stakes drama with ideally little to no slut shaming.  Let’s get started with my grades for the new taglines and see who falls where in the credits, shall we?

Shannon: Karma’s a bitch! So I don’t have to be one… (A- I love this one and plan to steal it)

Tamra: My faith is strong…and my ass isn’t bad either! (C- UGH.  I completely forgot that Tamara “found Jesus”.)

Heather: If at first you don’t succeed, try it my way (B- sweet yet bossy, just like Heather)

Meghan – In the game of life, I choose my team wisely (C – boring and inaccurate)

Kelly (newbie) – I don’t throw parties, I AM the party! (D- so help me god, if Kelly throws a single party this year, we all need to give her a mountain of shit for it.)

Vicki – Before you judge me, you’d better be perfect. (F – fuck off, Vicki)

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So no real surprise with the order.  I’m pleased to see Shannon in the front, but was hoping Vicki would be somewhere in the middle instead of showcased at the end.  Also interesting, both Vicki and Tamara have two hands on their orange in the title shot; although I probably read way too much into that kinda stuff…

So we start off the season with Tamra who has completely immersed herself into the fitness world.  Usually people get obsessed with the gym OR Jesus, but Tamra seems to have ordered up a convictions combo meal.  You see, Tamra has decided to be the first woman in history to defeat the side effects of menopause.  She’s training for a fitness competition and looks badass.  I decided to walk to work from the train station today instead of taking the shuttle so I can relate as I too am a fitness goddess.

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You’d think after last year’s shitty-husband edit, Jimmy would have tried to step it up and make it seem like he gives a shit any time Meghan opens her mouth, but it seems as though Jimmy never got the memo.  Meghan has convinced Jimmy to have a baby with her and because Jimbo had a vasectomy (but was clever enough to freeze his sperm), in vitro is their only option.  It seems telling to me that Jimmy is not offering to try a vasectomy reversal before making Meghan go through the laborious and painful treatments of IVF.  We also learn that Jimmy has gotten himself into the candle making business.  Wha- huh?  Not sure what that’s all about but we get to watch Meghan express her concerns and fears about in vitro while Jimmy sniffs at candles and bitches about the bulk orders being wrong.  #JimmyEdmondsKnowsMySoul

Over at the Dubrow rental mansion, Heather tells us that while Terry promised to slow down and spend more time with the family, he is now working more than ever.  Heather just needs to remember that Terry is a star who ain’t gonna let nobody dull his sparkle.  Apparently over the holidays, Terry had some health concerns that turned out to be nothing and Heather plans to share this information as part of her toast at the boat cruise party she’s throwing.  Heather is renting a yacht and is inviting all of the women in the hopes that everyone is able to move forward and make amends.  Terry is a bit more skeptical that Vicki is even capable of owning up to what she’s done and putting everything behind her, but Heather wears the pants in this relationship so the Vickster is on the guest list.

Speaking of Miss Whoop-it-up herself, we catch up with Vicki who is living alone now that Brooks moved out.  We find out that it was actually BROOKS who left and apparently Vicki was laying in the street begging him not to leave the night he packed up and peaced out.  Oh, Vick.  The man faked cancer and said horrible, indefensible things to your daughter.  This is not the type of man who you lay in the street for.

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What’s always been so interesting to me about Vicki is how insistent she is about financial independence while being completely emotionally codependent and terrified of loneliness.  I know she’s dating someone new now, but I wish she would just take the time to learn how to be alone.  I love living alone.  The year I spent alone in a studio apartment in San Francisco (before rents skyrocketed) was probably the most important year of my life in terms of personal development.  I love my boyfriend and I’m crazy about my kid but there was a moment during my pregnancy where I realized I would probably never live alone again and it actually bummed me out.  And then I knocked on wood because if I do live alone again anytime soon, that means something has gone horribly wrong.

Anyhow, Vicki is still insisting that she didn’t know anything about Brook’s cancer scam (or Scamcer from now on) while also sort of implying that Brooks was actually was sick.  This is the problem you get into when you build yourself up as someone who is always on the moral high ground.  Vicki has been shitty to and judgmental of the other women for years and so now, she is completely incapable of admitting how deep this whole situation actually went for her because it’s too far a fall off her ivory tower.  We get a quick montage of all of Vicki’s lies and manipulations last season, including where she admitted at the reunion show that she made up the story about Terry coming over in the middle of the night to give Brooks an IV.  I had forgotten about that.  I had also forgotten how stoned Vicki was at the reunion.  How many Xanax had she taken that morning?!  Heather just wants Vicki to admit that she was culpable in the Scamcer storyline, and then she will be able to put it behind them.

What’s the under/over bet for Shannon’s marriage? My guess is it’s not going to make it 3 years past the affair.  I don’t care what Dr. Tina says- you do not just magically get over an affair at the 2 year mark.  That shit stays with you forever.  I applaud Shannon for working as hard as she has to keep the marriage together for the sake of the kids, but at minimum, once those kids are out of the house, I wouldn’t put money on them staying together.

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Not to mention- once you’ve cheated, it is exponentially easier to cheat again, except this time you’re smarter about hiding it.  I don’t see any love or chemistry between Shannon & David, do you guys?  I see a strong sense of obligation, but I’d hardly call these two “soulmates”.  Anyhow, the Beador’s are downsizing (BUT NOT FOR FINANCIAL REASONS!!! At least according to Shannon…) and their three daughters are insisting on getting a dog once they move*.  Two things on this before we move on- (1) I love that Shannon wants to get a Real Dog and not a “mini puppy”, and (2) you just know that next house isn’t going to have a basketball court which is a hard bummer.

*Also- did you hear when one of the twins said they wanted to make sure the next place they moved “allowed pets”, which sort of implies that their current home does not.  But wouldn’t that be Shannon & David’s decision?  It’s not like this is a rental apartment…I think Shannon and David told their kids years ago they weren’t allowed to have pets at their house and I think that’s really funny.  It’s like parents who call the ice cream truck “the music truck”, or say that Disney is closed.

Meghan is going in for her IVF and she’s nervous as hell because contrary to popular belief, Meghan’s greatest fear is needles, not a lack of worldly justice.  It actually does seem like Meghan has trypanophobia (fear of needles and injections) because she is legitimately freaking out when the nurse tries to put in her IV.  Doesn’t IVF involve constant shots?  I like Meghan.  I think her marriage is a bit wonky, but I like her on this show and I like this storyline for her.  So many women suffer from fertility issues and while that’s not exactly what’s happening here, I’d much rather watch Meghan push through a fear of needles to get the child she wants than hear any more about the Scamcer and her internet research.  Also- we learn that Meghan has a c-shaped cervix, so if you’re playing the RHOC trivia game at home, make sure you mark that down.

heather citrus

Tamra and Heather meet up to go citrus tree shopping for the new manse.  Did you guys know that very time Heather says the word “budget” an angel loses her wings?  True story.  Eventually talk turns to Heather’s boat party and the guest list and Tamra tells us that while she hasn’t seen Vicki in months, she does receive occasional texts from her, none of which have ever included an apology.  Tamra is focused on Jesus and her abs, but Shannon is still reeling from the demise of her friendship with Vicki so Heather and Tamra are concerned that Shannon will be pissed that Vicki’s invited to the party.  Even though of course Vicki is invited, because she’s a cast member on the show.  I love it in the housewives when they have to fake “getting over it” and “moving forward” for the sake of contractual filming obligations.

While Jimmy is out of town, Meghan goes out for drinks with Newbie Kelly Dodd.  I’m going to reserve judgment but there’s something about her that is rubbing me the wrong way.  Not sure exactly what it is, although calling your IVF child your “designer baby” is kinda off-putting.

Back with Vicki now, we find out that Briana is moving back to the OC.  Vicki has purchased a house for her, but once their Oklahoma house is sold, Briana will start to pay Vicki back.  I’ve always appreciated how Vicki makes her kids work for what they have, except for when she’s trying to bribe them.  Vicki plans on flying out to Oklahoma to help Briana and her family move west.  Vicki is excited about the road trip and tells Briana that they will be like “Thelma & Louise”.  Vicki hasn’t ever seen that movie, right? Fingers crossed for Briana’s sake.

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One of my favorite things that happens on these shows is when filming ends, if there’s unresolved issues, the women won’t speak to each other for months.  But then filming will resume and they are contractually obligated to start seeing each other again so we get to watch the awkward “I’ve decided to extend the olive branch and invited you to my [insert party here]” phone call, much like Heather is making to Vicki right now.  My other favorite thing is the reaction from the person who receives the call.  They always look so shocked to be hearing from this person.  Vicki is indeed surprised to get the call but later she tells us in a talking head that she would have been disappointed to not get invited.  Heather feels like Vicki was too “breezy” on the call and thinks she should have been more awkward, all things considered.

Shannon & Tamra are at some clinic somewhere getting their face skin tightened.  It looks like a horrifying procedure and I look forward to my many wrinkles because there is no way in hell I’d ever sit through a face zapping just to prolong the inevitable. Like Heather, Tamra just wants Vicki to own up to her involvement in the Scamcer so that they can move past it.  Shannon, on the other hand, has no interest in being friends with Vicki ever again.  For Shannon, what Vicki did was unforgivable and she has no room in her life for someone who would be privy to a faked illness.  But Shannon is totally over David’s affair, you guys…for sure.

I like it when the housewives tell us that the most important thing in their life is not the glitz and glam, but their family.  No shit, Sherlock.  You’d be a terrible person if you said, “Yeah, my kid is okay, but have you seen my car?!”  A terrible person, but amazing TV.

kellyhome

So I’m not sold on Kelly just yet, but I’m green with envy when it comes to her house.  It’s right on the beach and there’s a bar on every floor, which is basically the description of my dream house any time I play the “If I won the lottery…” game.  Kelly tells us that her mother and brother live with her because they are Mexican, as if that’s supposed to explain something.  I get having your mother live with you, but why does the 30-something playboy brother not have his own place?  Kelly tells us that marriage is difficult but she appreciates that her (18 years older) husband treats her like a partner.  Also- Kelly tells daughter Jolie that the only way to handle someone who is being mean to you is to be mean back to them.  This is horrible life advice.  I think what she’s trying to say is that you shouldn’t back down from a bully, but the wording of it was all off.

Vicki doesn’t have a date to bring to Heather’s party but she knows the fastest way to the viewer’s hearts is to bring Jeana.  I love Jeana.  I want Jeana back on this show.  The ladies pre-party before heading out to the boat, and Vicki tells Jeana that she plans to apologize to the other women because if no one films with her, she will get fired she doesn’t want to be fighting with them.

Shannon and David are in full on mean-girl mode when it comes to Vicki.  Look, Vicki is a ridiculous person who deserves almost zero sympathy but watching Shannon and David snottily mock her in the limo feels gross too.  Shannon also seems to have taken over the role of “mean to the new girl” as she developed an insta-distaste for Kelly.  To be fair, Kelly’s jokes were stupid and not even close to being funny, but Shannon had a stank-face on the moment she was introduced.  I think Shannon fancies herself as bit of a QueenBee now that Vicki’s dethroned and it all feels a little Scheana-esque to me.  Kelly and Vicki already know each other because they have the same esthetician.  They giggle together and quickly bond, much to Shannon and Meghan’s chagrin.

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Sidenote – If Heather ever tells you that you look gorgeous, just know – she says that to everyone and you aren’t special.

Heather gives her speech about “wake up calls” and friendship.  It’s sweet.  I like her with Terry and I’m glad he’s okay.  Shannon is sitting next to Heather (what a difference two seasons make, amirite?) and after Heather’s speech, David makes a joke about the Scamser which Vicki seems to hear, but that could just be editing.  I think David is egging on this Vicki thing because it makes him feel like he and Shannon have a common enemy, and if Shannon is pissed at Vicki, he thinks she won’t have any hateful energy left over to spend on him.  Also- Tamara can’t eat French fries because she’s a health nut now.  She looks amazing, but no buns or abs of steel are worth a life devoid of French fries.

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Vicki interrupts Heather’s dinner to get her alone to give the big apology speech.  Vicki admits to “probably” going about things the wrong way. Ya think? I think Vicki felt like one big apology would be all that’s needed to move forward with this group.  Unfortunately, the apology isn’t want the ladies want from her; they want a full blown confession complete with remorse and personal accountability.  I’m not sure they’re ever going to get that.

I’m excited about this season.  I’ve missed these women on my television and all I ask is that no one fakes any more illnesses and for the love of Christ, could we have one Bravo show this year that doesn’t involve slut-shaming?  I’m counting on Heather to keep these chicas in check.

As always you can find us on twitter and please let us know your thoughts on the episode below in the comments section!

Recap written by Liz

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

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