Reunions are difficult to recap, so we are just going to go with a stream of consciousness with this one:
For starters, Andy’s harry potter glasses are amazing. On LeftCouch, we have Tiffany, Leeanne (and eventually Marie to the left of Tiffany), and on RightCouch we have Brandi, Cary (at one point Mark) and Stephanie. Andy starts the show off with about 45 minutes of hellos (see also Amy Schumer sketch) before diving in with some viewer questions.
Regarding Stephanie and Travis – the lists thing can be obnoxious, yes, but Stephanie is a stay at home mom, who presumably has a maid. So the lists aren’t totally off base. I’m not saying that Stephanie needs to “earn her keep” or anything ridiculous like that, but Travis already explained why he does the lists thing and they’ve worked through it and moved past it. If you haven’t already seen Tiffany’s shitty text about this, I encourage you to check it out as we retweeted it (while calling her out for being cunty) before she decided to block us on twitter. And honestly? I respect that she finally had the balls to block us. Obviously I’m still following her on my personal account, so no worries, we will continue to screenshot and retweet her shenanigans.
Brandi and Steph have small children. Small children think poop is hilarious. Tiffany and Leeanne do not have kids and I don’t want to be the person who says “if you don’t have kids, then you just don’t get it”, but….if you don’t have kids then you just don’t get it. Also- if Leeanne never sees her dog’s poop, what does she think happens when they go out the doggy door? Is her backyard covered in poop? Does Rich clean all of the dog poop up?
Regarding Brandi’s kids getting kicked out of their Christian school – you’d think the Christian thing to do would have been to keep educating Brandi’s children and try to give them a better role model since Brandi with her “Jesus Juice” is such a bad one, but no. Score one more point for Christians Looking like Assholes. (My beloved mother is an ordained minister so do not tweet at me on this one- it was a dick move on the school’s part and you know it.)
I can’t find clips of Tiffany’s skinemax movie and believe me, I’ve looked. Sort of. Okay, I spent less than 5 minutes looking. I’m lazy. Someone tweet me a link. For science reasons.
I think Leeanne and Rich are never going to get married, and that’s okay. Sometimes marriage just isn’t for certain people. Rich has been married two or three times before and now he knows it’s not for him. Leeanne needs to get on board and accept this because I’m pretty sure that Rich is a stabilizing influence and she’d be even more wackadoodle if she lost him. I’d also like to remind Leeanne that Rich has been divorced more than once so every time she gets shitty about other people’s multiple marriages, she looks like an asshole. But then, she routinely looks like an asshole, so….
Wait…I thought being a Charity Organizer was Leeanne’s RealJob? Did she just say it’s NOT her job?! What does she actually do? How does she support herself? I’m very confused. That said, “cutting titties” is a real job. It’s a job that Cary works hard at and went to school for years to be able to do. And doesn’t the Deuber practice specialize in breast augmentation for women who have had mastectomies due to breast cancer? What an asshole thing for Leeanne to say.
If Charity is the 6th housewife, then poop is the 7th, and Mark Deuber is the 8th. I’m surprised by Andy’s cross-dressing question to Mark, but I appreciate how Mark handles it with the confidence of a man who knows who he is and is comfortable in his own skin. Andy delves into the affair rumors and the waterworks start immediately. I really feel for Cary here because I can’t have a difficult conversation without crying either, so I know I’d be a disaster on a reunion show. They discuss the Cary/Mark affair rumors and Mark admits to having developed feelings for Cary, presumably while he was still married, but both are adamant that there was no affair. Leeanne seems to think it’s totally fine for her to spread the affair rumor because Cary told Leeanne that she wasn’t a socialite. Or something. These accusations are equal and fair, yes? Yes? Nah, not really. Every time Leeanne is confronted by something horrible that she has done, her defense is a variation of “yeah, well SHE did THIS to ME, so why is THAT okay?!” and it’s infuriating.
Leeanne insists that she was not spreading garbage because to her, “spreading garbage” means going around and telling individual people the garbage. All Leeanne did was announce it on national television, so…yeah. All of RightCouch keeps trying to make Leeanne see what she did was wrong, but Leeanne keeps passive-aggressively deflecting and talking about how Cary has talked shit about her in the charity world. Except we never really saw Cary really say anything that wasn’t to Leeanne’s face. Also- I think my favorite thing about this reunion is how Tiffany keeps chiming in with “well I wasn’t there” or “I never heard that”. This is what makes me think she totally knows that Leeanne is a garbage person, but if she goes against her, she will lose her spot on this show. And how else will Tiffany and Aaron buy a midcentury modern house they can’t afford?
Leeanne finally apologizes to Cary and asks for a hug, but when she goes to give her said hug, Leeanne tells Stephanie not to call her a narcissist or something which completely taints the whole thing. But ultimately, I’m glad Leeanne apologized. It was the right thing to do, regardless of her motivation.
Leeanne’s inability to admit that she was being rude or derogatory to Stephanie and Brandi (as well as Plano Texas in general) is a perfect example of my issues with her. I think we can all agree that if she just owned it and said “I don’t like them, or at least I didn’t at the time, and people typically say mean shit to people they don’t like”, I think we’d all respect her more for it.
For the record, and I know this is going to sound contradictory to everything I’ve said before (or even said very recently on twitter in no uncertain terms), I don’t actually think that Leeanne is a terrible person. I think that she is an incredibly broken person and often times broken people walk around all day completely unaware of how broken they are. I actually don’t even think that Leeanne is intentionally malicious in an evil way, I just think that she is a raw nerve. She’s like what’s left over if you yanked a tooth out of someone’s mouth with a pair of pliers and no Novocain. And when you are a broken person who has suffered severe abuse (which Leeanne absolutely has, and I do not ever mean to dismiss that), without years of intensive therapy, the only way you know how to handle difficult situations is to be like a caged animal waiting to strike.
I think on the surface, without bothering to get to know her at all, Brandi represented everything Leeanne felt like she wasn’t or didn’t have. Brandi was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader with a rich husband, a big house, and Brandi could casually enjoy charity functions with her friends. But it wasn’t until Brandi’s brother attempted suicide that Leeanne’s misguided perception of Brandi came crashing down and she allowed herself to get more of a glimpse of who Brandi is. I’d still say her blogs about Brandi have been incredibly self-center (seriously, go back and read them) but I always felt like if Leeanne took a moment to get to know Brandi, she would see everything that the rest of us had been seeing since day one. And I feel the same way about Cary, except that all of the damage Leeanne did by spreading rumors about Cary’s marriage undoubtedly destroyed the possibility of them ever becoming friends.
I feel like Leeanne comes from a place of hurt- ALWAYS (even if she says she doesn’t do hurt). Leeanne looks at Cary, Brandi, and even Stephanie as those popular girls who were maybe cruel to her in high school and so she quickly prejudges them as mean girls who won’t like her- which turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy because when she’s rude or mean to them (as a defensive maneuver), they respond in turn by excluding her for obvious reasons. I’m of the opinion that anyone can get along and find common ground if they work hard enough and want to and Leeanne is no exception to this rule.
I’m heartbroken to hear that Brandi and Bryan even considered divorce, but sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how far you’ve fallen. I think the most uplifting part of that scene was the camera cuts to Stephanie who clearly has such love, concern, and appreciation for her friend. I’ve said it before on twitter, but these two are my forever couple and the greatest Bravo Love Story ever told.
And finally, Andy brings out Marie. I don’t know Marie. Marie is not a main housewife. So I’m hesitant to say that Marie is some angel in this situation and sure, telling the poop-bag story probably wasn’t cool but I’m the type of person who most definitely would have let that info slip to at least one other person because it’s a hilarious story. Can you imagine how different the last couple of episodes would have been if Leeanne had just owned that story? She and Brandi would probably be best friends now. So I have no idea what Marie’s intentions are, or whatever, but I didn’t see anything wrong with her texts to Leeanne. From what I recall, they expressed genuine concern for Leeanne’s mental well-being and to me that signifies that Marie is a good friend, as compared to Tiffany- the enabler who would rather pretend she didn’t hear her friend shit-talk Cary’s marriage or threaten Marie’s life.
I will say though, that Tiffany seems almost too furious with Marie. This is Leeanne’s fight, isn’t it? But Leeanne hardly says word one to Marie and Tiffany can’t contain her outrage and it reads really weird. Marie, by the way, looks awesome in this episode. I’m not sure if it’s the lighting, makeup, or botox, but she looks great.
Ah, and now we finally get to the Austin trip. There’s a rumor going around that has been repeated by some of our Dallas sources several times that Marie actually didn’t tell Taylor the poop-bag story and that it was really Tiffany but the show was edited in a way that prevented that knowledge from surfacing. As of right now, that info is hearsay, so I’m just going to go off of what I’ve seen on TV which makes it seem pretty obvious that Marie was the one who blabbed. If that’s the case, in my opinion, she’s only hurting herself in the court of public opinion by not admitting it, but I get why she didn’t at the time. Carny Leeanne is scary as fuck, and if she were threatening my life (even if “killing” doesn’t really mean “killing” to her) I’d deny it too.
I never used to care or understand when the housewives pulled the “but I have children!” line of defense or whatever, but I have a kid now. And I look at my 7 month old son who has never done anything wrong other than pee directly into my eye once, and I can just feel the preemptive anger boil up inside of me at the thought of someone using me to hurt him, or him getting hurt because of me. It makes me want to claw that theoretical person’s eyes out. So when Tiffany brought up how these secrets she knows could hurt Marie’s daughter, on national television, it made me forever #TeamMarie, or at least #TeamNeverTiffany on this one. Any OG housewife will tell you that kids are off-limits and it’s disgraceful for her to even mention it.
A word about Marie hiring a social media team to “destroy” Tiffany and Leeanne on twitter; all can really say is- WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY!! No one has been a greater threat to Tiffany and Leeanne’s reputation than Tiffany and Leeanne and they did it for free. When someone’s been shitty, you just gotta let them do what they do and ultimately they will make a noose and knock the chair out from under themselves. A someone who genuinely dislikes Leeanne and Tiffany, and has expressed that opinion often and with fervor, I’m personally insulted and concerned that my twitter rants could be mistaken as paid plants from Marie’s camp. (Pssst…Marie….send me $ and I will ramp this shit up.) Marie’s defense to all of this is- “We’re not friends and I’m too old to be on twitter”, which I actually accept as valid. Most rich people are old enough to do their own laundry, but they typically hire a service to handle it for them. Get used to it people, paid twitter mercenaries are the service jobs of the future.
It concerns me to hear Andy say “we’re here with our last remaining moments of the Real Housewives of Dallas” because this show needs a second season. And if I had my druthers, I’d want all 5 women back- especially Leeanne. WHAT?! I KNOW! Okay, go with me on this one. Leeanne is a delusional garbage person who needs severe and unrelenting psychological help, YES. But she is also great television. Remember the episode where she spoke at the Grace Project, and in general acted like a normal person? My recap was 1000 words less than normal because I didn’t have anything to rant about. Leeanne’s the heel, and every good show needs a good heel. Leeanne is a particularly interesting one because she is totally unaware of how truly awful she is. I honestly believe that she thinks she is being a good person while it’s clear to 90% of the rest of us that she’s terrible. She is no Brandi Glanville or Spencer Pratt, meaning she doesn’t seem to be in on it, even a little bit. I figure that as long as she remains so narcissistically unaware, we’ve got about one to two more seasons before she has a total mental breakdown and has to be forcibly institutionalized. But what a fun ride it will be until then!
Recap was written by Liz