To be honest, I’m not in the mood.  I’m still annoyed by the absolute bullshit I just watched on Southern Charm where a group of adults sat around questioning the paternity of a child on national television.  There is only one circumstance in which I will allow that kind of behavior, and since Maury Povich was nowhere to be seen, this was not it.  Anyhow, I’m going to try to put that past me and focus on the crazy I’ve been promised from Leeanne Locken this week.

So I, for one, had no idea how they were going to make this episode possible.  It wasn’t until episode 8 that Leeanne and Brandi were remotely civil to each other and it wasn’t too long before that when Leeanne threw a champagne flute at Cary, Steph, and Brandi.  So the prospect of getting all of these women together for the traditional housewives field trip seemed unrealistic.  But Brandi consulted with her good friend Jesus Juice and decided to invite all the women to the Redmond-Hollman lake house in Austin.  The lake house is a labor of love between Bryan and Travis who built it together.  I want a remake of The Notebook starring Bryan and Travis.  “IT WASN’T OVER – IT STILL ISN’T OVER!”

Leeanne hopes that this trip will give her an opportunity to get to know Brandi more and while Leeanne is concerned that they’ve hit the fast forward button on their friendship by going from enemies to travel buddies, she’s down; after all- she has new enemies to worry about.   Cary is excited to pack her very own suitcase since Mark usually micromanages what she can bring on a trip (only two pairs of shoes?  Really?  A person needs at least three –casual, sporty, evening no matter what kind of trip they are going on).  Mark cautions her to not make trouble where there isn’t any.

partybus

All of our main cast, plus the b-team members FriendCourtney and AlmostCastMemberMarie all get on the party bus and start drinking.  As they should.  Brandi says that she and Stephanie usually alternate who gets the most shitfaced when they are in Austin and Stephanie got so drunk last time that she made up her own language which means it’s Brandi’s turn.

Speaking of Brandi- she is a girl after my own heart in that she can’t go three hours without a bathroom break.  This is the case with pretty much any woman who has given birth.  You know who hasn’t had a child but is disgusted by Brandi’s decision to pee in a red solo cup?  Yeah, you know who.  And because Leeanne has decided to talk shit about Brandi, Brandi comes back with “well it’s better than shitting in a bag” which is yet another puzzle piece to the Leeanne shit-her-pants story.  WHEN WILL WE FIND OUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?! (spoiler alert- in about two minutes) Brandi and Stephanie throw Marie directly under the bus and say that they heard the story from Taylor (from The A-List Dallas) who told them he heard if from Marie.  Marie obviously denies talking about it, like any sane person would when faced with a potentially crazed Leeanne.  Leeanne talking heads that “this story” was intimate information that was shared amongst three friends and was not to be spread around publically.  So she did shit in a bag?

The ladies are impressed with the house that Bryan and Travis built together and so am I, but when they say “built together” do they mean the guys picked up a hammer and nails or that they designed it and hired the construction crew?  Brandi and Stephanie are sharing a room, obviously, and they talk about how much they want the poop-in-a-bag story to be true.  What’s funny here is there would be no faster way for Leeanne to befriend Brandi than for her to just own this story.   Leeanne talking heads that the story is this- she took too much ex-lax trying to get skinny to fit in a pretty dress, got drunk, and everything came out.  I’m going to agree with Leeanne for maybe the 2nd time ever when she says that it can be a funny story when it’s told amongst friends but when it’s not cool for one of those friends to use the story to hurt her.

Marieleeanne

Marie refuses to admit that she told anyone, when it’s obvious to all of us that she did.  How else would Taylor know?  And admittedly, was it sucky for her to repeat it?  Absolutely.  But have at least 95% of us told a funny story at a friend’s expense at one point in our lives?  Most definitely.   Marie should own up to it, and I get why Leeanne is hurt, but we can see that as always, Miss Locken is primed and ready to blow this way out of proportion.  Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

Brandi and Stephanie have hired a private chef for their dinner which is a wise move since Brandi once made Bryan a glass of tea using potpourri, resulting in a trip to the emergency room.  That’s a fucking hilarious story that I am going to steal and tell to strangers the next time I’m traveling.   The key to Brandi’s heart is booze and poop stories so after a shot of fireball, Brandi feels comfortable (and drunk) enough to breakdown in front of Tiffany and Leeanne while talking about her brother.  Michael has gone back into the hospital and the ladies comfort her as best they can.  Leeanne can actually relate to what Brandi is going through because Rich has also suffered from PTSD ever since he was unable to save someone on the job.

The women are getting hammered and it’s Leeanne’s turn to be vulnerable and open up.  Leeanne’s story is really sad.  It’s really, really sad.  I do still feel like she uses it as a crutch instead of something to empower her, but I won’t deny that I felt for her when she talked about her grandmother demanding Leeanne’s mother give up custody.  Cary tries to relate to Leeanne who just smirks at her and dismisses what she’s saying.  And that’s why I don’t like Leeanne.  I love Brandi though, and I’m very much enjoying what a fun drunk she is.  I also enjoyed that Stephanie wasn’t even able to finish the sentence “I’ve never seen her like this” before giggling and admitting that yeah, she’s seen this Brandi before.

brandidrunkface

We catch back up with the ladies the next morning and I bet the camera crew is bummed they didn’t assign anyone to take the night shift because Shit. Went. Down.  Fortunately, Cary was able to catch a lot of it on her cell phone camera and we get a glimpse of the Crazy Carny show that is Leeanne screaming at Marie at the top of her lungs for divulging the Poop-Bag story.  Brandi, Stephanie, Courtney and Cary are all horrified by Leeanne’s over-night behavior and don’t even want to leave their rooms the next morning.

Can we just agree that Tiffany is the world’s worst peace-keeper?  Every time she forces whoever Leeanne is having issues with to talk to her, it goes to hell.  Leeanne storms over to Marie and demands they speak.  Marie doesn’t want to unless Leeanne is calm, which she is decidedly not in that moment.  Marie is still not owning that she told Taylor about the Poop-Bag (which again, she clearly did), but Marie has a point when she says that Leeanne is making this out to be a much bigger deal than it is by threatening to kill her.  No worries, Marie!  Leeanne’s definition of “killing” is different from yours or mine.

The rest of the women eventually come out of their rooms to defend Marie against Leeanne’s Rage pt 2 – Electric Boogaloo.  Cary and Stephanie say they’ve never heard screaming like that before and Cary calls Leeanne’s behavior “abusive”.   If it was really that bad, then why didn’t they come to Marie’s rescue the night before?  Cary tries to get to the bottom of exactly what Leeanne meant by “kill” and Marie looks too scared to really answer.  Leeanne is just pissed that Cary is involved in the conversation at all, but you can’t wake up half a dozen women with your antics and then not expect them to question what happened.

confrontation

Here’s what’s hilarious about all of this- Leeanne is SO CONCERNED about Marie spreading stories that could hurt her in the charity world that she has lost sight of the fact that the most damaging thing that could happen to her status would be for anyone to watch her behavior on this show.  If I were running a charity and someone told me that my charity organizer once had an accident with some ex-lax, I’d laugh but that would be that.  But if you told me that my charity organizer had threatened the life of another woman on national television?  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want her involved.  Leeanne does not know the meaning of “rise above” and it’s late enough in the game of life for her that I don’t think she ever will.  She has watched the same episodes that we have and never once has she come out and apologized for her behavior.  And that is why Leeanne is, and always will be, The Worst.

Tiffany doesn’t understand why no one is mad at Marie for spreading the poop story, yet they are all mad at Leeanne for threatening to gut Marie.  I’m going give you all a minute to swallow that.  Ready to move on?  Me too.

At the very least, Leeanne is able to recognize that her behavior was abhorrent.  She knows that she had been making real headway with all of the girls (minus Cary) and her actions completely ruined that good will.  Even Brandi throws on a sad face, telling Steph and Cary “I wanted to like her….” Tiffany heads out to check in on her friend who is pacing the front lawn, asking Siri to find an Austin cab company to take her away.

leeanneupset

Leeanne has decided that Cary has no right to judge Leeanne for acting like a fucking psychopath “being human”, considering she “stole another woman’s husband.” Aside from the fact that even if that happened, it’s none of Leeanne’s business and doesn’t involve her in the slightest, IT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THE ISSUE AT HAND.  Pointing out someone else’s short comings or mistakes does not excuse your own horrendous behavior, Leeanne.  I came so close to not hating her this episode and then like with the other women, she completely ruined it.  I’d also REALLY like Leeanne to say this shit to Cary’s face, for once.

Shocker of the year, Brandi is the one who comes to comfort Leeanne.  Brandi is the one who asks Leeanne to stay and recognizes that when Leeanne lashes out, it’s just because she doesn’t have any good coping mechanisms for when she’s in pain.  Leeanne apologizes for the way she’s treated Brandi in the past and thanks her for being so kind.  HA- Just kidding.  Of course that doesn’t happen.  Brandi manages to convince Leeanne to stay (producer bonus check?) and the ladies head out to a spa day at the Four Seasons.

marie cry

Marie, like an abused wife, stays behind in the hotel room to make up with Leeanne.  I do not understand this relationship.  I also do not understand how Tiffany could be friends with Leeanne after she refused to talk to her for two years all because Tiffany simply moved out of town.  I do not understand any of this.  Marie asks Leeanne why she has to hurt others when she’s hurting and says that while she knows Leeanne didn’t mean what she said, her tone was what was frightening.  The other girls gossip about the seemingly abusive relationships Leeanne has with her close friends and Stephanie makes a joke in a talking head about Tiffany and Marie being Leeanne’s bitches.  There’s a crass “take it up the ass” joke that I would scold Steph for but she’s totally right.

The women get all decked up for Leeanne, Stephanie, and Cary’s birthday.  The conversation is at a dead stand still before Brandi jumps in with “Sharks are my biggest fear, what’s ya’lls”.  God bless Brandi.  Sharks are also my biggest fear.  Well, 3rd biggest because I make a point to keep out of the ocean which helps.  (Snakes and Spiders are my 1 & 2 for those of you playing along at home).  Leeanne, very rudely, I might add, is on her phone throughout the dinner and Cary calls her on it.  Leeanne deflects, calling Cary judgmental and says in her talking head that she isn’t going to go off on Cary like she did with Marie because it would give Cary too much satisfaction, which is probably true.

brandi stare

Tiffany keeps sticking up for Leeanne and Brandi is sick of it.  Brandi wants Leeanne to take ownership of what she’s done and apologize to the group, but Tiffany keeps molly-coddling her and enabling Leeanne’s bad behavior.  Tiffany keeps trying to defend Leeanne or herself or who knows and she and Brandi keep talking over each other.  Tiffany decides to get condescending as hell with the HOST OF THIS TRIP and basically says that Brandi doesn’t understand what Tiffany is saying because she’s stupid.  Brandi excuses herself from the table to avoid causing a scene.  Stephanie tells Tiffany that it’s ridiculous for her to say that she surrounds herself with people who bring out the best in her, and yet she’s friends with Leeanne who lost her shit on Marie the night before.  Tiffany tries to pull an “it’s not ya’ll business what we discuss” and Stephanie (I wanted to kiss her for this, btw) replies, “Then don’t bring it in my house”.  BOOM.

Cary desperately tries to change the conversation with an “anyone want dessert?” before the group agrees it’s time to go.  Brandi wanted a chance to get to know Leeanne and her friends on this trip and as she tells us in a talking head, that’s exactly what happened.  Tiffany and Marie enable all of Leeanne’s bad behavior and never hold her accountable.  It’s sad and gross.  Brandi was right in the first episode when she said Leeanne needed professional help.  This is not me making a dig or trying to be a bitch, but it’s clear and obvious that that woman has so many demons from her past that can’t help but rear their heads in times of trouble.  She needs a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and anger management.  And as much fun is it is to watch her implode, she needs to leave this show if she wants to salvage what’s left of her reputation and career.  Just my 2cents.

As always you can find us on twitter and we encourage you to sound off in the comments and let us know what you thought of this shit show.

Recap written by Liz

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

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