I mentioned this in my Southern Charm recap, but I’d like to remind you all here that I was on a train that got delayed 3 hours last night which meant that I drank about 3 too many train beers.  And that’s the excuse I’m going with for my twitter behavior.  Shockingly, I managed to only get blocked by one person who was someone of zero consequence.  Reading Leeanne’s blog + 3 large IPAs will make anyone’s head spin a bit, right?  Right.  On to the episode.

This week begins with Tiffany and Leeanne meeting with Heidi Dillon for lunch.  Heidi is dressed like a rapper, or actually what a rich old white lady thinks a rapper looks like, and it’s basically never addressed.  Heidi passes out shirts she made for Leeanne & Tiffany that say “#SkanksOfDallas (can we all agree to never let that trend on twitter?).  See, it’s cute and fun because Heidi calls all of her girlfriends “skanks”!  HAHAHA so funny, that Heidi Dillon. Face Palm/Eye Roll- FaceRollEyePalm.

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Tiffany tells us that Leeanne considers herself “Heidi Dillon Jr.” but, you know, without the money or excellent taste in nicknames for her friends.  Tiffany talking heads that Leeanne considers Heidi to be her mentor.  I think Leeanne is doing a great job trying to emulate Heidi and I look forward to despising Mrs. Dillon as much as I hate her mentee. Tiffany just wants to soak in all the wonderful wisdom that Heidi has to offer, and invites her to the Charity* event she is hosting with Aaron at the House of Blues.  It’s to support Light Up Tomorrow which provides lighting and solar power in schools and orphanages all over East Africa.  We see some photos of Tiffany and Aaron getting their hands dirty helping install the lighting in Africa, which I respect.  I’m glad to see that this is more than just an excuse to have Aaron’s music played on a national stage.

*As always, we capitalize “Charity”, recognizing her has the 6th housewife in this series

Ugh.  Okay, so literally right after I type that, Tiffany talking heads about how important it is that they host this Charity event so that Aaron can get a foothold in the Dallas music scene.  I get it.  Tiffany wants Aaron to feel stimulated musically in Dallas but it just makes me feel icky when she talks about using a Charity event to make that happen.  Heidi thinks their event has two great hooks- the “art angle” and the “kid angle”, so there’s a chance it will be a big event.

Heidi gets to the real reason we are all here and asks about the “new girls” on the social scene.  Heidi plans to have a dinner party to get to know them since she’s been out of the loop lately.  Heidi asks who should be invited and Leeanne wickedly smiles, suggesting Brandi and Stephanie.  Heidi turns to Tiffany, asking if she’s friends with them.  Tiffany hems and haws, saying they’ve just been at the same events together.

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Seriously?  We are really not going to address Heidi’s outfit at all?  No “I was at a costume party” explanation?  Really? 

Tiffany brings up Cary, and Heidi immediately gossips that most of the women in Dallas got their money from being on their knees under their husband’s desk, and that’s all she knows about Cary.  This is the kind of garbage that makes me spitting mad.  It is so anti-woman, so rude, and so classless.  Women will never have true gender equality with men if we are too busy tearing each other down to fight for it.  By the way- Cary’s response on twitter to this scene was classy and full of grace.  #MORECARY.

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At the Dueber Office, the practice is very, very busy- most of the referrals coming from the website which Cary jokingly attributes to her photo shoot from last week.  Later in surgery, I stay in a perpetual state of cringe as Mark and Cary talk about their anniversary and what “presents” they plan to give each other.  It’s as subtle as a brick and there are at least two other nurses in the room.  PDA makes me exceptionally uncomfortable but it’s obvious these two are still very much into each other, which is nice to see.

All of this gossip and goofiness feels exceptionally petty though, as we move on to our next segment with MyGirlfriendBrandi.  Brandi is on the phone with her mom who is staying with Brandi’s little brother Michael while he is recovering from a suicide attempt.  Michael was a soldier who, like so many before him, came home from combat with PTSD.  Brandi’s mom says that Michael doesn’t eat or sleep and it’s so hard to watch him be in so much pain.

Brandi heads over to Stephanie’s house and Stephanie does that thing we’ve all done at some point where we bitch about something trivial before our friend has the chance to tell us something truly awful that has happened to them.  I had an ex-boyfriend call me once fairly late in the evening after we hadn’t spoken in a while and I immediately launched into this long rant about how my fish had died that day and it was awful because I was just watching him go belly up and struggle to right himself and finally I go, “so what’s up with you?”  Yeah, his best friend of 10+ years had just been shot and killed in a drive-by shooting.  Anyhow, so after Stephanie whines about forgetting to put shoes on one of her boys before going to school (Travis is not going to like hearing about that), she looks up at her friend and can tell that Brandi is going through something much more serious. Apparently, Michael tried to overdose on pills.

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Brandi is feeling a lot of guilt over how she treated Michael last Christmas because she was angry with him for denying the existence of God, saying that if everyone had seen what he had seen then no one would believe.  Brandi apparently yelled at him, and told him not to talk that way in front of her children.  Brandi is okay now, but just wishes that there was more she could do and is frustrated with herself that she didn’t realize how bad it all was.  “You don’t have to understand somebody’s pain to just support them and love them through it,” says Stephanie, and I begin to wonder- is she actually the smartest one in the whole group?  She’s certainly the most genuine.

Stephanie holds Brandi’s hand and tells her that what she’s going through is so much more than most people can handle, but that she can take it because she’s strong and brave.  Brandi talking heads that she knows she’s lucky to have Stephanie in her life, especially with Bryan gone so often. I have this pit in my stomach because it’s really hard for friendships to survive on this show, and I don’t want anyone or anything to mess with the special connection Steph and Brandi have.  I’m hoping that because these women seem more like family than friends, their bond will act as an impenetrable force field for all the bullshit reality tv can, and will, throw at them.

Leeanne and Tiffany go thrift store shopping (BRAVO- THAT IS NOT WHY WE WATCH THIS SHOW) to pick out clothes for the House of Blues event.  Tiffany wants Leeanne to patch things up with the girls so that their issues with each other won’t affect her husband’s concert the Charity event.  Leeanne recognizes that she owes Stephanie an apology (no shit) but she says she is struggling with “the Brandi thing” and still doesn’t feel like she owes Brandi an apology.  I actually agree (What?! I know!) with Leeanne on this one.  I don’t think two people who hate each other should apologize for anything because it’s completely hollow.  It’s not a real apology because why would you actually be sorry for being mean to someone you hate?  I mean, sure, the Christian thing to do is to turn the other cheek, but Leeanne is feeling more Carny than Christian right now…

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Tiffany decides to tell Leeanne about Brandi’s brother (she heard about it from Cary), and suddenly Leeanne doesn’t look at Brandi like a “snot nosed little brat” anymore and sees her as a human who is going through something she wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Personally, I always question Leeanne’s motives, so I’m not buying this instant turn around.  I do however believe that Leeanne has no interest in ruining Tiffany and Aaron’s event and wants to make sure it goes smoothly.

It’s Cary and Mark’s anniversary and Cary fills us in on the gossip that emerged after they got together.  I guess people found it juicy that they hooked up after Mark’s divorce and Cary’s annulment (again, I really need to know more about that story as it sounds super interesting), and people assumed Cary would be some trophy wife that Mark would play with for a bit before throwing away.  Cary tells us that the haters were very wrong and that she and Mark are best friends.  I believe it!  They have a very playful way of dealing with each other.  It’s very Heather & Terry, and not just because both husbands are plastic surgeons.

The doorbell rings and in walks Taylor Cooley who the caption tells me is a sales associate for Roberto Cavalli, but Cary tells us he is Marks “personal shopper” at RC for Cary’s dresses.  Taylor has brought over a gown that Mark says costs more than he paid for his first car.  Cary tells us that there is no use in trying to get Mark to spend less on her and she refuses to look at the receipts because the sticker shock would send her to her divorce lawyer; and she loves Mark, so it’s best she doesn’t see exactly how much he spends.  Cary tells us that the bottom line is, she and Mark are married, they are in love, and they are happy- end of story.

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Sidenote- for their anniversary, Cary bought Mark a card and plans to blow him as well as other sex stuff later.  This seems like a pretty sweet deal for Cary, but I’m guessing the fun and pleasure Mark got out of dress shopping for her actually outweighs her love of said dress.

Brandi and Bryan meet up for a redo of their terrible dinner from last week.  Once again, Bryan is wearing a shirt that reads like an optical illusion on screen.  Can someone please talk to him about this?  I blame the PA’s on set.  Brandi is understandably nervous considering how the last meal went.  To Bryan’s credit, he starts the conversation off with an apology and actually seems to hear Brandi when she talks about how lonely she is without him.

I will parrot what I’ve said before about these two.  They’ve been together for SO LONG that it’s really easy to take each other for granted.  They’ve been together since middle school, which is insane!  It’s so important to keep dating and to spice things up and make time for one another because nothing is easier than falling in a rut and staying there.  Relationships, all kinds, take work and dedication.  I’m really glad to see Brandi and Bryan patch things up here, especially considering all of the other heavy stuff she has going on in her life.

Leeanne and Stephanie meet up for Leeanne’s apology tea/lunch.  Leeanne admits in her talking head that she started this rift with Stephanie and that she behaved poorly so she owes Stephanie an apology.  I would say that this is very big of Leeanne, but I read her most recent blog post where she takes it all back and says that Stephanie antagonized her by saying “classy” after Leeanne threw the wine.  Basically, Leeanne is not apologizing because she feels like she should, she’s doing it because she thinks it will benefit her in some way, and then after she saw this episode and heard Stephanie’s talking heads, she has decided to rescind her apology.  You know, like a child.

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Leeanne apologizes and Stephanie tells her that yeah- what Leeanne said sucked, and it hurt her.  Leeanne defaults to her usual song and dance about how awful her childhood was, and I’m bored to tears instantly.  Lots of people have had awful childhoods, but using it as a crutch is unacceptable and not an excuse for chucking a glass champagne flute at a crowd of people.  Also- remember how last week Leeanne told us she doesn’t “do hurt”?  Well she’s talking a big game here about how hurt she was and that that’s why she lashed out.  UGH.  I can’t even with this woman.

After Stephanie says that they can “definitely get past this”, Leeanne switches gears immediately and starts to talk about how much she wants to write down her memoirs so that she can go on the speaking circuit.  Good GOD this woman is self-serving.  And completely oblivious to Stephanie’s disinterest here.  Again, if you’ve read Leeanne’s blog, you know that she was furious when she heard Stephanie’s talking heads, both of which I’ve transcribed here:

“This apology is more for her than it is for me, but I want to be civil with her because that makes it easier for everyone else”

And…

“Leeanne’s all about herself.  She’s the most self-obsessed narcissistic person I’ve ever met.  It’s beyond exhausting”

Okay sure, that 2nd one is a bit harsh, but it was in reference to the long winded rant Leeanne went on about herself after getting the apology out of the way in the first two minutes.  I’d feel the exact same way that Stephanie did and Leeanne should count her blessings that she was sitting with someone as kind and polite as Stephanie because someone like Cary or myself would have called her on it.

It’s the day of the Light Up Tomorrow event and Aaron is getting a new haircut.  After explaining to the stylist that she needs to lighten up his “problem areas”, he tells Tiff that his waiter told him he looks like Billy Ray Cyrus. I was, obviously, waiting for the Keith Urban comparison (and so was Aaron, apparently), but yeah…I’d say Billy Ray is a fair comparison.

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Later that night, Tiffany shows up with a rockin’ faux-hawk and Leeanne promptly talks shit about it.  I get that these two think they are best buds and great friends and all that, but there is a very clear “hero-sidekick” relationship happening here.  Do you honestly think that Tiffany would ever make fun of Leeanne’s hair like Leeanne is doing to her?  Of course she wouldn’t because Leeanne would become so wounded and would flip out and eventually blame her actions on her shitty childhood, and who needs that headache.  Leeanne sees herself as the star, and Tiffany is just her chorus girl.  Perhaps not on the surface but definitely subconsciously.

Heidi Dillon waltzes in dressed as Morticia Addams’ southern cousin on a Sunday, complete with a black fan.  She invites Cary, Steph, and Brandi to her small dinner party and promptly insults them saying that she wants to redo their makeup, but she says it in this super subtle=trying to be sly way.  Since two can play at that game, Cary laughs and says how nice it must be to be 60 and to just let it all go because you don’t care anymore.  HA.  Leeaane, proving once again that she’s the world’s least self-aware hypocrite, says that sometimes Cary doesn’t know the difference between insulting and funny.

Aaron’s music…..is what it is.  I lived in Nashville for 3 years and worked as a cocktail waitress in some music venues so I heard guys like Aaron a lot.  I’m hesitant to talk shit because he just seems like a great person and doesn’t the world need more famous people who are actually decent human beings as well?  I hope this exposure is good for him.  Aaron dedicates the second song we hear to Brandi’s brother Michael, and Brandi is clearly very touched.  Aaron is a good egg.  And I think Tiffany is probably a good egg too, but she’s ultimately a follower and she’s hitching her wagon to the wrong star in Leeanne.

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Leeanne talking heads that she is so moved by Brandi’s brother’s story and wants to put this all behind them.  My theory?  Leeanne is miraculously self-aware enough to know that feuding with the girl whose storyline includes a suicidal brother with PTSD is a bad look, so she’s going to move on to a new target.  Stephanie is too sweet and far too prone to crying to make for a good enemy, but Cary is a confident woman with a happy life.  Leeanne doesn’t do happy, so she lashes out at women who “have it all”.  I think she believed that Brandi was like that until she heard about Michael, and so now she has to find some other woman to irrationally hate.  That woman is going to be Cary.  I wish Leeanne the best of luck (not really) in this endeavor because I think Cary could chew her up and spit her out if she wanted.

Later that week, Leeanne is getting ready for Heidi’s dinner, and contrary to Leeanne’s outfit, the theme is “Gothic State Fair”, not “Michael Jackson meets Edward Scissorhands”.  Leeanne says that she’s only worried about seeing Cary, and Rich gives her the same face that we all made when we realized Leeanne had chosen Cary as her new arch nemesis.  Rich asks why on earth she now has an issue with Cary, and Leeanne says that Cary just knows how to push her buttons and does it on purpose.  We see a quick montage of Cary sticking up for herself and jokingly putting the poop on Leeanne’s chair.  Rich says “I think she’s great”.  #TeamRich.

Leeanne snots that she isn’t the only person in the Charity world who is not a fan of Cary, and says that everyone knows that how she got her husband was “not right” and that they met while he was married.  Uh, yeah, wasn’t his family at Cary’s 2nd wedding?  Sometimes people know each other.  Rich shuts this shit down and admonishes her for spreading gossip.  Seriously? I love Rich.  I think he is completely clueless when it comes to the political intricacies that make up female to female relationships, but I adore how utterly disinterested he seems to be in Leeanne’s bullshit.

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Leeanne comes over to help Heidi set up her party and I have to ask- is Leeanne’s makeup some misguided tribute to the late, great David Bowie?  When was this filmed?  The party begins and everyone shows up decked out in their gothic finest.  As per usual, Brandi has the most creative costume as a “dead rose girl”.  She looks awesome and saddles up to Marie, who Leeanne says she is ready to make up and move on with, but she doesn’t do anything about it at this party so who knows.  And considering the vile blog she wrote about Marie a week ago, I’d say there’s no repairing that friendship.

We get the return of Taylor from The A-List Dallas, and I’m thrilled to see him but sadly he is barely a blip in the credits during this episode.  Tiffany does not share this sentiment with me and talking heads that she isn’t happy to see him and that she never told Leeanne about the pooped-her-pants story because it would “devastate her”.  Um, they are all on national tv, and Leeanne definitely knows about it now.  Are we going to get the real story on that at any point?  Reunion? WHHL?  Something?  Cary and her friend Courtney show up and Cary tells us that she is very in tune with negative energy so she can tell that something is off at this party.  Heidi is pissed that when Cary walked in, she spent more time talking to Heidi’s dog (Ralph?), but to be fair, have you see that dog?  He is AWESOME.  I would ignore my dying grandmother* to spend time with that dog.

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*My grandmother is a holocaust denier and I don’t have any contact with her anyway if that makes my comment seem any less hateful.  Plus I like dogs more than most people.

So basically what follows is a battle of “who is making who more uncomfortable” (was one of those supposed to be a “whom”? I can never remember).  Tiffany/Leeanne/Heidi feel like Cary is a big snob who is turning her nose up at them because she won’t eat Frito Pie.  Cary mostly feels uncomfortable because other than FriendCourtney, Stephanie, and Brandi, no one is really talking to her and besides, Frito Pie sounds gross.  At one point, Heidi makes a bad joke about Cary demonstrating her blow job skills on a corndog, and it falls completely flat.

The group has clearly split into two factions, but reality tv is old hat for Heidi (Big Rich Texas), so she insists on combining the groups by making Tiffany and Leeanne’s posse come and sit by the couch with Cary/Steph/Brandi.  Apparently, Heidi usually forces people together at her parties, but as Leeanne says, this pow-wow is just not working.  Heidi makes Leeanne switch places with her so that Cary and Leeanne are seated next to each other.  Cary tries to clear the air, asking if everything is okay, but Leeanne just fake smiles and says she’s fine.  #FakeAsFuck

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We get a little bit of dirt when Leeanne says that Heidi and lots of the Dallas society women are still friends with Mark’s ex-wife, so that at least explains the cold shoulder.  The trouble is, Leeanne’s camp says that the way Cary and Mark got together was suspect and nefarious, but Cary has continued to insist all season that everything was above board.  I’m guessing that Mark and his wife were separated but not divorced when he and Cary started getting together and that’s where the problem lies.  To a sensible person, separated is as good as divorced, but to the old-school southern community, that paperwork better be signed with dry ink before you go and get your dick wet.

Sensing the tension and realizing that this is not Deuber-friendly Room, Cary gets the fuck out of there.  She hugs Tiffany goodbye and both women comment on the iciness between Cary and Leeanne; Cary feels like if Leeanne has a problem with her, then it’s her problem and Leeanne should say something if she wants to have it resolved.  But that’s not Leeanne’s way!  Leeanne just indiscriminately hates other women for no good reason and ignores her own hypocrisy to sleep better at night.

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Cary snots in a talking head that Leeanne is probably just jealous that Cary’s been married three times but Leeanne just can’t quite seem to get there.  This is a bitchy comment, without a doubt.  I don’t know anyone that would be jealous of two divorces………….except, yeah, sure…maybe Leeanne.  On her blog, Leeanne blasted Cary for her “failed marriage attempts”, clearly forgetting that the man she is with, Rich, has also been married and divorced twice, so it’s a bit of a ridiculous insult.  #TeamRich.

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Recap written by Liz

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