Thanks for joining us for this full recap of Shahs of Sunset. Kerry is out of town on a work trip and was unable to live tweet last night and won’t be able to give us her #10thoughts on it today, but we hope she is back in full force next week.  This will be the first full recap I’ve done of Shahs, but I watched the entire first season, have moderately kept up with it over the years by reading other recaps and have a basic working knowledge of the main players.  That said- if I don’t piece together something that a diehard fan would notice, that’s why.

Let’s get started, shall we?  This week we begin with Reza bringing groceries over to Mike’s place since Jessica has moved out.  How many months have these two been married?  (6, the answer is 6.) This is the trouble with women being so laser focused on the The Ring and The Wedding that they don’t pick up on the 500 red flags their shitty dudes have been throwing up all over the place.  There is also the trouble with people thinking “well, after we’re married, it will be different”.  NO.  Nobody’s shitty personality magically changes just because they have a ring on and have signed a piece of paper.  I feel for Jessica, but she had to know deep down (or even on the surface) that marrying Mike was a bad idea.

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Reza talking heads that he has been giving Mike space in an effort to not pry into his problems, but is concerned this may have been a mistake, having heard about some of Mike’s crazy recent antics.  Mike asks about Reza’s wedding, but that’s really an excuse to talk about himself.  And, fair enough…his issues are far more pressing than Reza’s surprise wedding (which I take issue with and feel bad for Adam that his wedding happened to him instead of letting him be a part of it).  To his credit, Mike cops to being a shitty distant husband, but doesn’t go so far as to admit his infidelity.

Reza puts the smack down on Mike for going out to clubs.  He calls Mike a shitty husband and says that he doesn’t want to have to have “the divorce talk” with him.  I have terrible news for you, Reza-from-the-past!  Mike readily agrees that he’s been awful and blames going out on Shervin, who heard that Mike was depressed and wanted to cheer him up.  I think it’s okay to go to the club if you’re wife left you, but I’m a high-functioning alcoholic who drinks her feelings, which may be skewing my perspective a bit.

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Since we’ve gone almost 4 minutes without focusing on Reza and his happiness, he brings this all around to how disappointed his is in Mike for tainting the joy of his wedding weekend.  Reza starts to (fake?) cry and tells Mike that he just wants them to be good and everything to be good and blah blah blah selfishcakes.  Reza shouts at Mike, telling him that he needs to do everything in his power to get Jessica back.  Clearly, Reza doesn’t want what’s best for Jessica.  Run, girl!

GG and her cousin Nima head to one of those indoor trampoline places where the floors and walls are all bouncy.  GG says that since the camping trip, she’s felt more like her childhood self (i.e. silly), and hasn’t felt the need to drink her face off.  GG was a gymnast as a child but she can’t show off any of her sick moves because of her recent hand surgery as well as her new boobs weighing her down.  Nima has brought monkey costumes for no discernable reason and the two bounce around while GG talking heads that she’s is looking forward to going to Reza’s wedding now that she’s “in a good place”.    But…she’s not like…sober, right?  Because Sober GG is boring.  (I’m The Worst.)  GG is also excited to exude her positivity and bring happiness to others. HAHAHAHA.  Oh, GG….

Reza and Asa go to meet Shahaab and Reza2 who are going to be the tailors for the wedding.  RezaOG talking heads that the good thing about being a TERRIBLE PERSON in your past is that it allows you to “hone skills” that can be put to good use later on.  Because Reza mastered sneaking around behind his boyfriend’s backs for years, he is able to pull off this whole secret wedding and Adam is none the wiser.  I begrudgingly sort of agree with this but only because my years of being a total liar have allowed me to have a pin point accurate radar that allows me to know when someone is lying to me.  I call myself a born-again-honest-person.

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MJ shows up as well and the tailors pore champagne (but not enough according to myself and MJ).  MJ is confused about the Secret Wedding (SW) Plan and Reza gives her (and us) the specifics.  Basically, Adam thinks that everyone is coming over to their Palm Springs house for a house warming party.  He also thinks the whole group will be going out to a fancy dinner, which is how they will get him dressed up and out of swim trunks.  MJ is emotional thinking about her friend’s wedding, but talking heads that she’s not so sure this is a good idea since one of the biggest issues in Reza and Adam’s relationship is that Reza makes big decisions without consulting Adam.  Yikes.  I mean, we all know it turned out fine, but I still say this is a selfish and terrible idea.  Remember that briefly-lived show about flash mob surprise weddings?  This is basically the same thing and it sets a bad tone for the future of their relationship.  Ultimately, MJ just wants to be included and talking heads that she wants to be there for Reza.

Side note- Asa is my favorite if only for her talking head outfits.  That, and she’s the only truly decent human being on this show.  But mostly because of her clothes.

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Asa and Reza are on their way to Palm Springs and discuss the multiple hurdles they will have to get through to make it to the SW; namely the actual house warming party which is bound to be awkward since everyone but Adam knows what’s up.  Reza and Asa talk about how anxious Reza was last year and how that’s just not the right way to feel before getting married.

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Reza compares how he was feeling last year to all of the shit that Mike and Jessica were going through before their wedding and says he’s shocked they went through with it.  Which is fair, but then he says that had he gotten married to Adam a year ago, they would be going through the exact same predicament as Mike and Jess.  Really?  How so?  Because that sort of implies that if Mike and Jessica had just waited a year, then their marriage would be fine and I think we all know that’s not true.  Asa and Reza arrive at the Palm Springs house where Adam and their friend Jefferson already are.  GG shows up shortly thereafter and asks about Mike.  Cut to-

Mike goes to meet up with Jessica in a public place (smart girl).  Mike talking heads that since Jessica moved out, they’ve been going to therapy but it’s all one day at a time for them right now.  Because this is an important meeting of the minds, Mike orders a corona and a shot of patron and Jessica orders an espresso martini.  Jessica and Mike don’t know how it’s come to this place in their relationship (I do!) and Jess says that all Mike cares about now is money.  Jessica says that their biggest problem stems from the fact that Mike believes that being a good husband means providing trips, cash, and jewelry, anything material with a price tag.  But Jessica says she doesn’t want any of those things (not sure I believe that), and misses the days when Mike didn’t care about any of these materialistic things (when?  When was this?)

Mike agrees with me, saying he has always cared about money, he just didn’t used to have any.  Jessica talking heads about the “trust issues” that have been around since before their wedding, but again she doesn’t come out and say that Mike is a cheater.  Mike admits that he screwed up and knows now that being a “provider” is not enough.  He apologizes for being rude and not treating Jessica with respect, but she interrupts asking “are these the only things you’ve done?” Mike ignores the question, saying he is sorry for “these things” and that he wants her back.

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Jessica is not having it.  She compares being with Mike to Chinese Water Torture and I laugh.  Mike is shocked that Jess isn’t receptive to his charms, and I think to myself that maybe he shouldn’t have worn that hat.  Mike talking heads that he is in so much pain now, and it is making him realize how much he loves and needs Jessica.  Mike sounds like a serial killer in his talking heads when he speaks about Jessica.  Jessica bails on this failed reconciliation and I’m glad.

The housewarming party in Palm Springs is in full effect.  The conversation turns to Mike’s issues and to GG’s credit, she has decided that if someone else’s problems don’t already involve her, she isn’t going to involve herself.  Adam agrees with me and the rest of the sane audience members that Jessica was too eager to get down the aisle and so she overlooked way many of the problems in her relationship. Mike arrives finally and Reza is thrilled to see his friend.  Mike just wants to relax and be happy with his friends but worries that MJ is going to pester him about what’s going on.

Hilariously, Reza has rented a separate house to party at for his “house warming party” because he doesn’t want his friends to trash his own home.  It’s like ordering a fancy birthday cake for your birthday party but then making everyone eat a store bought one.  Wait, was that something that actually happened in an episode of RHOC or did I dream that?  The party house is bomb and it’s where GG, MJ and Mike are all staying.  Reza calls this a litmus test (nope, that’s not how you use “litmus test”), and he looks forward to whatever scandals arise from this guest house.

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Reza announces for MJ that she and Tommy have moved in together, and MJ tells the group that she and Tommy went to a fertility clinic to make sure their respective eggs and swimmers are on point.  Mike balks at this and tells MJ that there has to be a natural progression to a relationship.  Look, I agree with the rest of the world that Tommy is a garbage person, but Mike is one of the last people on earth who should be giving relationship advice.  MJ is in no mood to hear the naysayers.  Mike addresses the fact that his marriage is bad and takes the blame for it, trying to teach the group to learn from his mistakes, but MJ is positive that she is with the right guy.  POSITIVE.

The next morning, everyone is excited about the SW that’s taking place, and no one more so than Reza….except what he’s really excited about is estate sale shopping which is first on the agenda.  Reza loves to bargain shop for old dead people’s jewelry.  And, as it turns out, Reza hasn’t bought the wedding rings, which is what they are shopping for.  This shocks MJ, and she worries what other major wedding details have been left to the last minute.

Back at the house, we see GG sitting on a chair, wearing last night’s makeup, scrolling through her phone, and we hear Mike in the background say “You’re so cute when you’re calm.  Why are you so aggressive?”  GG looks up, but Mike is talking to the dog.  HA.  Mike has never done Periscope, but GG is the self-anointed Periscope Queen, so she is excited to show him how it works.  We’re all still secretly hoping these two knuckleheads work it out, right?  They sort of deserve each other.

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Later outside, Mike helps Adam remove a splinter and he talking heads about how excited he is that Adam is getting married tonight.  In fact, everyone is excited except for Adam, because he doesn’t know to be excited.  Isn’t being excited about your upcoming wedding part of the whole experience?  Why does Reza think it’s okay to rob Adam of this?  Again, I know it all works out fine but it bums me out for Adam.  Tommy arrives and MJ is thrilled to see him.  Yuck.  Grown men named “Tommy” bug me.  You are either a Tom or a Thomas, but only children can get away with a name like “Tommy”.

The group arrives for the dinner/wedding and the room looks….ummm…pink.  But not like, classy LVP pink.  Everyone is concerned that Adam is going to say no after what went down last year.  MJ tries to call out Mike for being on his phone, Mike snaps back at her, and the whole thing got built up in the teaser as being a big deal but it’s really not.  The drama gets squashed almost immediately.

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Reza gets up to “honor Adam”, telling the group that none of them truly know all that Adam has done for him, but says that that ends tonight.  Basically, Reza gives a bawdy speech that paints Adam as a sex-crazed stalker maniac who Reza calls the love of his life.  Asa dons her golden turban and Adam starts to get the picture of what’s happening.  Without saying really anything, Asa just bulldozes ahead as the officiator while Adam tries to slow things down.  Really?  They’re just going to jump into it?  No:

“Adam, you’re the love of my life.  Please, will you marry me tonight here in front of our friends?  I don’t want to waste another minute of my life not being married to you”

Really?  Nothing?  Poor Adam.  Asa keeps going and gets to the vows segment.  Adam asks for a minute, because of course he does, but ultimately the pressure of the situation gets to him and he shouts “Yes!”  So Adam just got married and it all happened in under two minutes and he never even got the chance to truly figure out what happened until after it was basically over.  Worst TV wedding ever, yes?  Yes.  And that includes the Speidi Mexico wedding that turned out to not be legit in the states.

Next Monday is Memorial Day, so hopefully I will be too drunk and full of BBQ to get time to write another recap.  Here’s hoping Kerry will be back with her live tweets and #10thoughts!

Recap written by Liz

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

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