Does anyone else get a little anxious/stressed out before this season’s RHONY episodes?  I feel like we’ve had blowout fights in every single one of them.  My sister and I weren’t allowed to fight as kids, and my parents had a very amicable divorce so I’m uncomfortable with fighting.  In my house, we only really fought if it was a Big Deal, as in, everything said would be below the belt and people wouldn’t speak to each other for months afterwards.   This is reason #746 why Ramona and I could never be friends.  I’d end up in jail.

It’s moving-in day for The Countess, and Sonja has gotten her “B&P” (she means B&B) all ready for Luann’s arrival.  In addition to Sonja’s townhouse, there is an apartment that is on the top floor that she uses for out of town guests.  It’s a cute apartment, if not a bit outdated, and is certainly a more suitable place for Luann to bring guys back to than Sonja’s daughter’s room.

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Call me a sucker, call me a fool, but I sincerely believe that Sonja is so oblivious that she had no idea Bethenny would take umbrage with the name, Tipsy Girl.  I think Sonja is daffy enough that she truly didn’t think it would be a big deal.  She’s in for a giant wake-up call and I’m scared for her.  Sidenote- the B&P apartment is not heated.  Because of course it’s not.

Bethenny, Carole, and Ramona meet up for dinner and we learn that Ramona: (a) considers herself to be petite, and (b) hates short chairs.  Her behavior was obnoxious, demanding to the waiter that he change out all of the chairs, but she’s not wrong.  Chairs that are too low for the table are awful and make you feel like you’re at a kiddy table.

Ramona, who I will remind you has been friends with Sonja for years, starts in on her right out the gate.  I get that Bethenny has every reason to be frustrated/hurt/etc. but Ramona doesn’t need to pile on.  Bethenny thinks that this whole thing was just an attempt by Sonja to get in Page6 and ride her coattails.  I don’t know about all of that.  Maybe I’m not giving Sonja enough credit and she actually is that calculating?  I just don’t think so.  Ramona agrees with me for about 2 seconds before switching sides and agreeing with Carole and Bethenny that Sonja is cunning, narcissistic, and definitely did this on purpose.  Bethenny is on a tear and says that tomorrow will be the last time she sees Sonja except perhaps unintentionally at a social event.  Ugh.  I hate this.  I’ve got anxiety already.

Ramona and Dorinda meet up for a very early breakfast at Sarabeth’s (YUM).  This location is significant because it’s around the corner from the school Dorinda and Ramona’s daughters went to, and it’s a place where Ramona and Dorinda have lots of memories.  Dorinda asks Ramona her thoughts on the whole “tipsy girl” thing and Ramona (who I will remind you has gotten hammered and screamed “TURTLE TIME!!” repeatedly on this show) is upset that Sonja is associating herself with getting drunk (we all agree that ship has sailed, yes?) and feels that Sonja is being a bad role model for her daughter.  I will repeat that.  RAMONA SINGER feels like Sonja is a bad role model.  Implying, I suppose, that Ramona sees herself as a good role model.

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Ramona is as delusional as Sonja is, the difference is that Sonja is delusional in a cheery way whereas Ramona is delusional in a stuck-up bitch way.  Dorinda, bless her sweet face, tries to give Ramona advice about her friendship with Sonja, saying that relationships have an ebb and flow and sometimes people grow apart when they aren’t as important to each other as they once were.  Dorinda thinks that the parallel in the advice she’s giving between Ramona & Sonja’s friendship and her own with Ramona is clear and obvious, but you know and I know that Ramona isn’t picking up on that at all.  And I’m right about that because as Dorinda starts to bring up the stuff with John, Ramona immediately states for the record that she knows her relationship with Dorinda is “solid”.  Um, no.

Dorinda goes through her whole song and dance with Ramona again saying that she’s been with John for three years now.  This is not a casual fling of a relationship, they are together for real and Ramona needs to respect that and stop trying to undermine it.  Ramona says she understands (she does not) and talking heads that she knows she needs to try and do this for the sake of their friendship (she does need to try, but she won’t).  Dorinda tells Ramona that she needs to be good to John in public, even if she is faking it.

Bethenny breezes into SkinngGirlHQ, telling her staff that she was out til 4am with a date the night before.  Good for her, but my anxiety is spiking because I know we are getting close to the Sonja/Bethenny showdown.  Bethenny also has anxiety about the whole thing and is worried about shitting her pants.  Sonja shows up and we get a talking head from her about how much she misses Bethenny and how they are friends and she is bummed they didn’t see each other all summer and boy-oh-boy Sonja can’t wait to talk to her about Tipsy Girl!  Like a lamb to the slaughter…

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Bethenny’s assistants are just sitting there, knowing they are about to witness an execution, as Sonja flits around the room complementing Bethenny on how nice the office is.  The person who wrote the score for this scene is also guilty of trademark infringement because it’s basically the theme music to Jaws.  The ladies sit down and Bethenny gets right into it, calling Sonja’s business partner Peter “shady” (this is the Peter who was supposed to open a restaurant with Ramona).  I wonder at what point Sonja realized that this was not the meeting she thought it would be.  Do you think it was when Bethenny demanded to know what distributors Tipsy Girl is working with?  Or do you think it was when Bethenny had to explain to Sonja what a “cheater brand” is?

Bethenny gets to the heart of it, which is this- she’s not worried about “Tipsy Girl” hurting her brand, and she’s right about that for the most part.  Skinny Girl is a juggernaut and a little prosecco line that will likely never find its way to the store shelves is no threat.  But Bethenny is personally offended and wounded because she feels like she took Sonja under her wing and this is the thanks she gets- Sonja releasing a low-rent, copycat, cheater brand Prosecco line?  Sonja is floored and never imagined that Bethenny would react this way.  Bethenny calls Sonja a fraud and says that she doesn’t believe any of it; from the Nigerian football team to the jewelry line to the toaster over (BRING BACK THE TOASTER OVEN!  That was actually a good idea!), Bethenny calls it all “bullshit”.

Sonja is defensive for about a minute but then she breaks down.  She reminds Bethenny she just went through this bankruptcy and is trying to put the pieces back together to get back to where she once was.  Sonja starts to cry and says that she thought the alcohol line was a great idea since she looks up to Bethenny so much.  Like a mafia don, Bethenny instructs one of her assistants to bring Sonja a tissue.  My favorite is the assistant seated directly behind Sonja who is pretending to work while she witnesses all of this.

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Sidenote- When Sonja talks while she’s crying, she sounds like Judy Garland.

Bethenny feels bad for Sonja, but also believes that you can’t play “smart and dumb”, meaning if Sonja is going to present herself as a business lady, she can’t then turn around and act like she had no idea what was going on.  UGH.  Okay, again, I’m on TeamOblivious.  Does anyone actually think of Sonja as someone who is business savvy?  Sure, she has tried to make it seem like that, but ultimately Sonja is a beautiful apartment with no heat.  All flash, no substance.  Does Bethenny have a right to be upset?  Without a doubt.  But you have to separate action from intention.  There is no part of me that thinks what Sonja did was malicious or an attempt to hurt Bethenny in any way.  But she did hurt her and Sonja has to make that right.  I hope she can.

In other news- Jules’ nanny Ana quit; she took her Christmas bonus, didn’t say goodbye to the kids (that’s a real bitch move), and peaced-out.  Jules is now completely overwhelmed and hasn’t taken a shower in a week.  But didn’t she say she had a live-in nanny AND a housekeeper at the beginning of the season?  Don’t the kids have school?  Do they all go to bed at the same time?  I’m sure she was just saying that for dramatic effect, but it’s obnoxious all the same.  Jules is interviewing potential new nannies with Michael and the first one who walks in is a pretty, Hispanic woman (as in she is pretty & also Hispanic, not more Hispanic than would be expected) named Shyma.  Shyma’s actually Puerto Rican and Arabic but she isn’t completely fluent in Spanish, which is a problem.

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Michael and Jules want their children to be bilingual, so Michael only speaks Spanish to the kids.  Except, no he doesn’t, because we’ve only seen him speak to them in English.  Jules hates waiting in lines, so it’s important that this nanny also be available to do that.  I also hate waiting in lines and want my child to be bilingual.  Am I Jules?  Am I Jules minus the Jewish/Asian heritage, plus about 100lbs?  Jules shows Shyma Rio’s closet and asks her to put together a full outfit.  Shyma tries to suggest the Bethenny School of Parenting method by giving options and letting Rio choose, but Jules shuts that shit down immediately.  Rio must never choose her own clothes.  EVER.  Ultimately, even though Shyma got an A+ on putting together an outfit and being willing to stand in lines, her broken Spanglish was enough to keep Jules on the nanny-market.

Adam is back from Ethiopia and Carole has decided to foster a kitten named Vinny.  Good luck, Carole.  I tried to foster a kitten once and now we have two cats.  Adam and Carole have decided to join forces to make a cookbook called “The Reluctant Vegan”.  This is smart.  This is a business idea that makes sense, and I’m guessing Bethenny won’t care that Carole is making a cookbook, even though Bethenny has written two or three.  Carole is a writer, Adam is a chef.  Adam cooks and eats healthy, while Carole prefers junk food and once tried to remove her kitchen all together during a remodel.  The book’s got a cute hook to it and I can see it being successful, even in a niche market like vegan cookbooks.

Ramona, Luann, and Sonja all get together at Sushi Roxx, and Ramona acts like everything is all hunky dory between herself and the girls, while slut shaming Luann in her talking head.  Between half the women on Southern Charm and Ramona, I’ve had just about enough of that garbage.  Single women are allowed to have as much sex with as many partners as they want; just like men.  As long as everyone is a consenting adult using protection why does Ramona care?  Luann says that after a bit of a dry spell, her life is now raining men.

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Ramona blurts out that she heard Luann is a squirter, which is gross and I will get to it in a minute, but first I need to comment on Ramona’s talking head where she says “I normally don’t talk about things, but this is so juicy, I couldn’t refrain [sic] myself”.  A- Ramona talks shit constantly.  CONSTANTLY.  B- Luann has children who never needed to know that bit of information and if the situation were reversed, Ramona would flip her lid and walk out.  And C- “refrain myself”. As for the whole “squirting” thing….you guys know that squirting is basically peeing, right?  It is.  Look it up.  The ex-girlfriend of someone very close to me was apparently a squirter and could only orgasm from cunnilingus, meaning he got pissed on in the face on a regular basis.  He said, and I quote, “we had to do a lot of laundry”.  Three cheers to this friend of mine and Luann’s current fiancé- you guys are the true heroes; making love to your women, knowing you’re just going to get pissed on for your troubles…I salute you.

Ramona leaves to go to an event that John and Dorinda are hosting and Luann asks Sonja about her meeting with Bethenny.  Luann is upset for Sonja that Bethenny would come at her so aggressively and remarks that Bethenny was also hostile with Luann herself at Ramona’s birthday.  Luann’s theory is that Bethenny needs to get laid, and maybe so!  Inarguably, Lu and Sonja have the most sex out of any of the women and they are the most relaxed and easy going.  But then, Bethenny has always been wound up tight, even when we saw her with boyfriends.  Sonja and Luann decide to head out the Dorinda/John event as well.

The event John is hosting is to honor a designer who he works with frequently, which I guess means he does his laundry? Dorinda talking heads that she and John are a perfect match because she constantly gets stains on her clothes and he is always able to spot them.  Somehow, Luann and Sonja make it to the event before Ramona does, but as it turns out, Dorinda didn’t even invite Ramona (that makes sense) and is baffled as to why she’s even there (open bar?).

Luann sees this guy, Rey, who she had some fling with last summer that did not end well.  We catch the audio of them talking outside and I don’t know this Rey character from Adam, but when a man slurs all over you saying he is having a “mental breakdown” and that he loves you and insists he is completely sober when it’s obvious to people on the space station that he is not, it’s time to get the fuck out of there, which Luann does.

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Unfortunately, Rey does not follow suit and is still inside acting a fool.  He is the drunkest man I’ve ever seen on TV- and I say this having seen all 5 seasons of Jersey Shore.  Ramona has deemed the party “boring” and has latched onto Rey hoping that he may have some juicy gossip about Luann (who I will remind you, fled the party out of fear of this man.  Good friend, that Ramona).

John comes over to ask Rey to leave because he is clearly making a scene.  Ramona jumps in to defend Rey, insisting that they do NOT need to leave.  Even Dorinda from the sidelines just says “this guy is not a good guy…”  Ramona starts to pitch a fit, and John returns the favor by shoving his hand in her face.  Dorinda is rightly horrified.  She follows Ramona outside to yell at her for making a scene, but has to play referee the whole time since John has come outside as well and is shouting disparaging comments about Ramona over Dorinda’s shoulder.

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Dorinda is beyond upset that Ramona has ruined another one of her events, and she’s right to be.  Dorinda jumps in a cab to leave and as John tries to get her to stay, Dorinda agrees that Ramona was wrong but that it’s his job, as a man, to walk away from these confrontations.  Dorinda is right that John should never have put his hand in Ramona’s face, and I really wish for Dorinda’s sake that the two assholes she calls her boyfriend and friend would just make nice for once.  Although, it seems like after this incident that may be impossible.

Fuck.  This show is so stressful to watch nowadays.  I actually miss back when it was Kelly Bensimon running around the city pretending she didn’t know how to use a camera, or Alex breaking out in hives while she shouts at Jill for being in High School.

Until next week?  Eeash… I need a shower.

Recap written by Liz

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

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