If you follow us on twitter, then you may have noticed that I got into a bit of a tiff with Miss Leeanne Locken last night for saying that if she stopped retweeting every nice thing people say about her, then her support would dry up fast. Because the truth is that people like being retweeted way more than they could sensibly ever like Leeanne. I’m not saying that she has no supporters (after all- someone has to like the banana flavored candy in the mix or else they wouldn’t make it, right?) but I firmly believe that a solid majority of the people who tweet positive bullshit at her are only doing so because they know she will retweet them.
Tiffany is bad about this as well, and on Monday nights, my twitter feed is blown up by the two of them retweeting compliments from their “fans” like a shield. The truly hilarious thing about my exchange with Leeanne is that by all accounts she should have just blocked me. Because after all, who am I to her? But the thing about desperate, wanna-be stars like Leeanne is that they need to know what everyone is saying about them at all times; good, bad, or otherwise. She can’t block me! She can’t block any of the haters because we occasionally say her name and she lives for that shit. I suggested to her that she just try for two weeks to not retweet her fans and see what happens. By all means, I think she should “like” all of their comments because it is fun when the bravolebrities interact with us, but I 100% believe that the positive tweets would plummet if people weren’t getting retweeted. Just sayin’… I want to see what would happen. #BravoScienceExperiment
I could write a whole separate post on why I think Leeanne is The Worst, but instead let’s get started on this week’s actual recap, shall we?
I’m confused because we are starting off this week at Stephanie’s house, instead of Brandi’s like we usually do. Where’s Brandi? IS SHE OKAY?! We find out from Stephanie that Travis (a man who I should remind you owns several fur coats) fancies himself as a bit of an interior (and exterior) decorator. We get a few choice shots of “art” around the house before Stephanie introduces us to Oprah and Gayle, the two samurai statues that stand guard outside. Yikes. Great names, though.
Stephanie has hired a decorator to help solve all of their problems- marital or otherwise because Travis insists on being a part of all decisions made in and around their home. So, now that Stephanie has decided to redecorate her son’s room, Travis refuses to let her be in charge and redecorate it herself. Travis and Stephanie’s relationship always seems a little weird to me, but I don’t know how much of that is due to editing. Stephanie is frustrated with Travis who keeps shooting down all of her and the decorator’s ideas. She talking heads that she loves him, and she especially loves the bling-bling bracelet that he got her for their anniversary, but the greatest gift she could ever get from Travis would be his trust. The man has obvious control issues, but Stephanie needs to stick up for herself a little more. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
Finally- we head over to MyGirlfriendBrandi’s house where she is still upset with Bryan for the way he handled the family BBQ. Brandi says she’s angry, frustrated, upset, and has never felt so alone in their relationship. I’m bummed for her. It hurts when your partner is pissed with you and yells at you, but it hurts so much more when they just don’t seem to care. Apathy is always worse than anger.
Brandi heads over to AlmostMainCastMember Marie’s house to continue with her daughter Sophia’s dance lessons. Brandi calls this a welcome distraction from her family issues even though she typically doesn’t like teaching. The fact that Marie has known Leeanne for over 20 years and probably has all the good pants-shitting dirt is just an added bonus.
Rich and Leeanne pet their beagle (thankfully not a euphemism) and talk about Leeanne’s concerns with her friendship with Marie. Well, Leeanne talks but Rich just grunts a lot, clearly disinterested. Leeanne is upset because since the cocktail party, Marie has been texting Tiffany, saying HORRIBLE LIES about Leeanne like “Leeanne has to be the center of attention” and “Leeanne thinks she’s right about everything”.
Ah- so what you’re telling me is that Marie was telling Tiffany some hard truths about her homie Leeanne? Because both of those statements seem dead-on accurate to me. Leeanne is furious that someone she has known 20 years could possibly have less than glowing things to say about her. I’d say Leeanne is going to be hard-pressed to find someone who knows her well at all who doesn’t have something negative to say.
Brandi is done with her lesson and sits down to catch up with Marie. Marie agrees with Brandi (and every mentally stable Bravo watcher) that Leeanne’s behavior was insane and Marie believes that Leeanne needs to apologize for her behavior. I agree. Leeanne won’t though. Did you read her blog? How is one person THAT delusional?! Brandi tells Marie that she heard about Leeanne’s request to be addressed as an “elder” and Marie, who is close to Leeanne’s age, asks Brandi to please not address her as an elder. Okay, technically Leeanne said that she wanted to be treated with respect because she is Brandi’s elder, and didn’t ask to be referred to as one, but I’m of the school of thought that while you should be polite to everyone, respect is earned- regardless of age.
Remember when I said that Mark was clearly gunning for the Terry Dubrow role in this franchise? Just keep that in mind as you watch him this episode. Mark and Cary need to update the photos on the website for their practice and you know how much Mark loves clothes shopping so they’ve gone to what looks like a warehouse to pick out a few looks for Cary to model. People can say what they want about Mark’s love of fashion, but wouldn’t you want your plastic surgeon to have an eye for what’s beautiful?
Brandi pulls up to Stephanie’s house, passing Oprah and Gayle, and joins Steph in her son’s Cowboys-themed room. Brandi jokes that Steph should have asked her for an autographed cheerleader picture and I almost fall off my barstool from cringing. No. NO. It’s obviously a joke but can you imagine hanging up a scantily clad photo of your friend in your son’s room? TRIPLE YIKES.
Brandi and Stephanie are laughing and playing around and Brandi tells us that Bryan not only picks his nose but also has been known to chew off his toenails. Oh boy. On the one hand- say what you want, Brandi! He was a dick to you at the BBQ… On the other hand, I’m guessing this conversation is not going to help Bryan get over his hatred of being on camera. The laughter dies down a bit when Brandi mentions the infamous BBQ and we get a flashback of what happened. Stephanie says that she was embarrassed to have her husband be a part of Bryan’s bad behavior but Brandi assures her friend that it was fine. Ultimately, Brandi was so happy to connect with her family, that nothing Bryan did could ever take away from that day but yes- she was disappointed in him.
Stephanie talking heads that both she and Travis wear their hearts on their sleeves a bit more, so when they have issues, they address them immediately but because Bryan is home so infrequently, Brandi doesn’t want to rock the boat and their problems get swept under the rug. Stephanie calls this a recipe for disaster, but she doesn’t say it in a cruel way. She’s clearly worried for her friend. Stephanie suggests to Brandi that she try to have a date-night with Bryan, which Brandi agrees is a good idea, but she worries about Bryan being able to communicate. I love the friendship between these two. It’s real. We don’t often see genuine friendships on The Real Housewives and Brandi and Steph are a clear exception to the rule.
Tiffany comes over to Leeanne’s house where Leeanne says she needs a hug because she’s just so dang upset about Marie’s texts to Tiffany. Tiffany has printed out the texts, because of course she has. We see a quick shot of the texts and yet again from what I can tell, what Marie said could be considered harsh at worst, but not dishonest or full of lies at all. See the texts for yourself:
Seems to me like Marie was trying to watch out for her friend Tiffany, but Marie is not a main cast member of #RHOD, so why would Tiffany hitch her wagon to that? Tiffany wants (NEEDS!) to buy a 5000 sqft mid-century modern LA-style home and she sees this show and her connection to Leeanne as her way to get what she wants. Leeanne won’t do the show without Tiffany, or at least she’d be a fool to try, and love her or hate her (we know where I fall on this one), Leeanne has got herself a 2nd season coming, for sure.
Leeanne tells Tiffany that she is worried about her standing in the Charity* world with Marie out there “spreading lies” about her, but I’d say that that their plan to ambush affluent and influential Marie, in her own home, on national television, in a two-against-one attack is probably more damaging to Leeanne’s status in the Charity world than any negative text message could be.
*as always, we capitalize the “C” in Charity, as she is the 6th housewife in this series…
Tiffany and Leeane pull up to Marie’s while Tiffany talking heads that this conversation with Marie has to happen TODAY because the whole problem needs to get nipped in the bud. Hey- quick question…in the history of time, has any relationship or friendship issue ever been quickly and peacefully resolved by an aggressive conversational blitz attack? No? No. The women pray together outside before going into Marie’s house and I’m pissed on behalf of Jesus.
Leeanne says that if God showed them these text messages (um, no- Tiffany showed Leeanne the texts that she received from Marie) then that means God is trying to show them that someone wants to ruin their friendship. Huh? This is why religion starts wars.
Marie is wearing a Christmas tree topper as a hat and bless her heart, she has no idea of the shit storm that’s headed her way. The women sit down and Leeanne is immediately aggressive. Leeanne calls the cocktail party “a bad scene” and Tiffany brings up the texts and pulls out her printed “evidence”. Marie, to her credit, doesn’t try to deny anything and says that considering everything that happened, she was legitimately concerned about Leeanne’s welfare. Leeanne screeches that Marie should have brought her issues to Leeanne- Marie says that she did, but Leeanne doesn’t listen, and I believe that. How many times now have we heard Rich scold Leeanne for her outlandish behavior? Does it ever seem to sink in?
Leeanne expresses concern that everything Brandi has said to her is similar to what Marie texted Tiffany. (Perhaps both women see the same type of crazy in Leeanne?) And then- AND THEN! Oh my lord. So Leeanne is just a masterclass in rewriting history. I’m begrudgingly impressed by it, really. Get this- Leeanne calls Brandi a “red-headed bitch” again and wonders why Brandi can’t get within two feet of Leeanne without flipping out. Leanne calls this Brandi’s “issue”. I don’t know how to handle this statement as it’s the most delusional thing I’ve ever heard so I’m going to need a minute to recover. Let’s get some wise words from Stassi Schroeder while I pull myself together.
What show is Leeanne watching? Brandi just wants to drink Jesus juice and talk about poop. Have we ever seen her approach Leeanne at one of these functions? NO- no, we have not. Have we ever seen Brandi flip out or scream in Leeanne’s face? Nope. But Leeanne has acted like a mental patient on more than one occasion for literally no good reason. Again, to Marie’s credit, she points out that Leeanne was the one who threw glass and screamed, making it her issue- not Brandi’s.
Does Leeaane apologize for her atrocious behavior at Marie’s cocktail party? No, of course she doesn’t. Instead, she loses her freaking mind and yells about how she cried so much that her cab driver didn’t charge her for her ride home. So what you’re saying is Leeanne got a lot of attention without paying her fair share? Sounds about right….
Another delightfully hypocritical moment from Leeanne comes when she says “I don’t do hurt- you gotta know me for 25 years to get that out of me” (in reference to Marie), except she just told us how hurt and upset she was by Brandi. So, huh?
ONCE AGAIN- To Marie’s credit, she doesn’t wig out on Leeanne or point out any of the numerous hypocrisies exposed here, but simply asks “so, where do we go from here?” Leeanne wants to know what Marie has said to Brandi about her, and I dock a couple of points from Marie for lying about Brandi never talking shit about Leeanne (roll clip). Marie should have just said nothing because, um, you know, CAMERAS. Don’t give Leeanne any ammo, people!
The scene ends with the women…..sort of patching things up? Then as they leave, Marie says “Get some rest- it’s been a long day”, and I laugh. Do you guys know how Leeanne floods twitter with “#SouthernSayingsExplained? I’m going to do one of my own:
#SouthernSayingsExplained- “Get some rest- it’s been a long day” in this scene means “get out of my house you crazy bitch and seek help before you ever darken my doorway again.”
We leave this hot mess to head over to Mark and Cary’s photo shoot for their website. Cary is ridiculously hot and could have been a model (wait, was she?) but she is a highly trained medical professional who rocks some science shit. She IS a lifetime achievement award. Cary tells us that photo shoots for Mark are basically foreplay but that he gets it all the time anyway, so who needs the camera? I know I asked for #MoreCary and I’m glad they are giving it to me, but the photo shoot plot line is lost in a sea of drama this week.
Back with Brandi, the gingersnap babies are pissed as hell because Brandi is trying to make them spaghetti but clearly using the wrong type of sauce. GOD, MOM! Actually, Brooklyn is acting out because Bryan is out of town, which is a bummer. Kids always pick up on more than we give them credit for so I’d say Brooklyn is probably sensing the tension between Brandi and Bryan as well. Brandi calls Bryan and asks for a Date Night when he gets back into town, but she worries about it because Bryan doesn’t like drama. Why did he sign off on this whole thing?
Sidenote- there’s a cute scene with Brandi and Stephanie dressing up Gayle and Oprah for St. Patty’s day and then we see Cary and Mark again. Cary is nervous to see her photos, but of course, she looks amazing. Mark doesn’t photoshop any of the photos of Cary, and he doesn’t need to, but Cary doesn’t understand why Mark doesn’t like fake stuff when he’s a plastic surgeon.
Brandi and Bryan are getting ready for their date night and none of the PA’s told Bryan his suit was going to come off looking like an optical illusion on screen, which seems mean. So, Bryan definitely isn’t going to agree to be on a 2nd season, right? The pair head out to a cute restaurant, and Bryan looks wildly uncomfortable on camera. Brandi is worried about this date, knowing that Bryan hates confrontation, but she needs him to hear her.
To Brandi’s credit- she tries to broach the subject by calling it her fault and not Bryan’s that she isn’t getting what she wants from the relationship. Brandi says she has a hard time expressing her needs, but realizes it’s not fair for her to just expect Bryan to know what she wants. Bryan does NOT want to have this conversation on TV. It’s written all over his face. Bryan feels like he gives Brandi all of his attention, and maybe he does off camera, but we certainly aren’t seeing that. Bryan is sneering and cold. It’s hard to watch. Brandi asks if she’s done something wrong, and Bryan replies, “Yah”. He just stares at her when she asks what he does and then mocks her for crying. And THEN he throws his towel on his plate and walks out saying “I’m done”. Well done, Bryan.
I know you all probably expect me to go harder on Bryan than I am, but he reminds me a lot of my own boyfriend in that he is quiet and would be sour-faced and miserable every second he was on camera. I think he signed onto this whole thing so that Brandi would have something to do, but like most straight men- he’s never watched any of the Real Housewife shows so he had no idea what he was getting in to. I think he probably assumed it would be a show about ladies who lunch and gossip, not about his family or personal life. A quiet broody guy is not a bad person, but does make for an easy bad-guy edit. I think he is annoyed and hates being a part of the whole thing and that reads as him being annoyed and hateful with Brandi. I hope I’m right about that.
Until next week when Leeanne gossips some more about women who are better than her.
Recap written by Liz