I, your recapper, solemnly swear, to limit my whining about how much I miss Kate Chastain to the absolute minimum.  This is my promise to you all.  Side note- have you guys seen Kate’s girlfriend on social media?  She is ridiculously beautiful.

We pick back up right where we left off with Hannah running all over the place trying to find a bar that is playing the Steelers game.  The Primary’s husband is a majorly Grumpy Gus to hear that things aren’t going well in the search, especially since he has never missed a game.  I know that guest requests on this show can be nutso, but I totally feel for this guy.  Sports fans are superstitious and passionate.  As someone who grew up in a southern college football town with a father who was a huge Steelers fan, so I really get it.  Come on, Hannah!  He’s NEVER MISSED A GAME!

Captain Mark is also trying his damnedest to get this game streaming over the internet so that they can hook up a laptop to the TV, but the internet is of course not cooperating.  Seeing this Steelers game was a “non-negotiable” in the charter guest’s contract, so the crew’s tip is in major jeopardy if they can’t get it together.  This whole thing has a bit of “producer setup” stink on it though, because wouldn’t a non-negotiable like this get figured out before the boat even leaves the dock?  The guys eventually get the internet working, but it’s going very slow which would strike me as almost worse.  A choppy, buffering game?  They’d be better off finding a radio station via the internet that has coverage.

Ben has decided to serve fresh caught scorpion fish with some prosciutto bacon and I fall deeper in love with him by the second.  He hopes that this lighter, fresher meal will go over better than the heavy moussaka that he tried to serve the night before.  I think you can’t go wrong with seafood while you are actually on the sea.

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Hannah is beyond thrilled to hear that Captain Mark figured out the stream and she assigns Tiffany to the early shift since the guests will be up til at least 6am.  Tiffany is actually from Pittsburgh so she’s all for it and is definitely the right one to ask for this.  Tiffany endears herself to me a bit when she says she’s that girl at the bar during football games who is cursing and shouting at the tv.  Me too, home girl.  My boyfriend refuses to stand next to me when we’re at a bar during football season, in order to prevent hearing loss.

Guys, I’m bummed out about Jenn.  I’m bummed out because the last two female deckhands have been so cool and interesting, and have been really great representations of awesome girl-power, but Jenn is kinda awful.  I do not doubt that she has a wealth of knowledge and experience, but her attitude sucks and she has real problems with authority.  I think she also hates men, which is disappointing.  Feminism is about equality, not misandry.

Anyhow, Bryan is looking for Jenn and calls for her over the radio asking her to be up on deck.  Jenn had been in the bathroom and when she arrives she tells Bryan she didn’t want to say over the radio exactly where she was.  Why?  What’s embarrassing about saying “I’m going to the bathroom”?  Someone get Jenn a copy of “Everybody Poops”, STAT.  Bryan doesn’t have any patience for Jenn’s whining and tells her that when she’s working, she’s on his time and he needs to know where she is.

Dinner gets underway, and Hannah gets to deliver the good news- the game WILL be streamed.  The Primary’s husband is clearly giddy and thanks Hannah for “moving mountains”.

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Back downstairs, ChefBen is getting frustrated by all the idle chatter going on around him as he tries to plate the main course.  ChefBen is an ARTIST, people!  SILENCIO!!  Ben tells Hannah that he doesn’t want the kitchen to turn into a social, water cooler-y place and asks her to avoid asking people “high mileage” questions like how was their day around him.  I get it.  Some people can’t do two things at once.  As kids we weren’t allowed to talk to my mom when she was at the last stages of cooking dinner or everything ended up burnt.  This meal goes over swimmingly (HA! FISH JOKES! I’m hilarious), and Ben is pleased to hear the guests are having an orgasmic experience.  I figure that you can’t go wrong with bacon, so well done Ben.

Most of the guests, who are not diehard Steelers fans, head to their rooms at around midnight.  The crew starts winding down the boat and Julia tells us that when she first met Bobby (which sounds like “Boppy” everytime she says it in her PoshSpice accent), she thought he was just some full of himself bro-type, but as she’s gotten to know him, she finds him to be a delight.  She says he lights up any room he walks into.  She asks him if he can hold his liquor (they have a free night coming up) and Bobby tells her that while he is a lightweight, he can “maintain”, which sends Julia into a giggle spiral.  Apparently, in the UK, the word “maintain” is most frequently used in reference to maintaining an erection.

It’s coming up on 3:30am and the Primary’s husband (PH from now on since I’m lazy) is explaining to Captain Mark why he loves football so much.  It’s a bonding experience with your family that starts in early childhood and carries on a lifetime.  Agreed.  Bobby doesn’t understand staying up all night to watch a game, but when he expresses that to Tiffany, she flashes him the Steelers shirt she has on underneath her uniform and warns him to not talk shit about football.  Fuck Yes.

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Of course, the game stops streaming and begins to buffer right before kickoff.  Captain Mark and the rest of the crew begins to panic.  Eventually, they get the audio working and Hannah heads off to bed while Tiffany plans to get the PH as liquored up as possible.  The Steelers as also playing like shit, so that’s not helping the situation.

Sidenote- Hannah hates Tiffany because she complained about not getting any sleep.  I don’t really care and it’s tradition on this show for the ChiefStew to hate the 3rd Stew, but I thought I’d mention it.

For some magical reason (I give all credit to Tiffany and her good football joo joo), at around 5:30am, the video for the game comes back on just in time for the 4th quarter.  The score is 14 to 21 and PH is thrilled to see the Steelers score a touchdown.  He demands that Tiffany stay in the room because he also believes in the joo joo.  PH has had about 18 heavy-pour gin drinks but is still standing and doesn’t even sound drunk.  PH is a champion.

Danny bonds a little with the tipsy PH and Bryan is not having it.  Bryan talking heads that when you’re a crew member of a yacht, you are there to clean, fill drinks, supervise swimming to prevent drowning and that’s it.  NO CONVERSATIONS.  Danny feels like making a personal connection with the guests is a good way to help with the tip, but Bryan is right.  The difference between working as waitstaff in fine dinging vs a sports bar is that your tip actually goes down the friendlier you are in fine dining.

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Hannah is furious to hear that Tiffany watched some of the game (even though it was a direct request from the PH) and wasn’t able to finish her list.  I agree with Julia who says that the mark of a good stew is the ability to multitask.  The charter guest is demanding that you watch the game?  Bust ass during commercials, or bring any work you can into the room with you.  Tiffany feels like she’s giving 110% but it’s just not good enough for Hannah.  As always, Ben rushes in to comfort the wounded stew.  Sometimes I think it’s a bit creepy, but ChefBen was the only person to get actual work out of PsychoRocky last season because he knows how to motivate.

Sidenote- Jenn hates Greece.  She hates how all the building are old and she misses Starbucks.

Additional sidenote- I hate Jenn.

Hannah harasses Tiffany some more for being slow and not racing out of the room the second Hannah snaps her fingers to dismiss her.  Ben talking heads that Hannah is jumping the gun here with her anger towards Tiff.  It’s still so early into the charter season and as Ben says, Tiffany is a 3rd stew.  She’s not meant to be amazing at her job yet.  I think Hannah can and will be a great ChiefStew, but she started the season feeling like she’s in the hole.  She had to get an entire boat ready in less than 24 hours and the football game debacle didn’t set the right tone.  I believe she’s frustrated with things that have been outside of her control, and she’s taking it out on Tiffany.  I get that for right now, but my patience (and I would assume the rest of the audience’s patience) is going to wear thin after a while.

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Tiffany is understandably upset as she joins Julia downstairs to clean the staterooms.  Julia comforts her and talking heads that she’s been in the same position with a ChiefStew before and it’s hard to fix what you’re doing wrong when you aren’t totally sure what that is.  I like Julia.  She’s got a real BelowDeckOG Amy from seasons 2 & 3 feel to her.

There is some issue with docking the boat that is concerning the deck crew.  I don’t totally understand what they are talking about, but the stakes seem pretty high.  Bryan tries to impart the importance of this docking to his crew and Jenn, of course, shrugs it off saying she isn’t worried and could tie the whole boat up herself if she had to.  Okay, Jenn.  #IMissJennnice #IMissConnie

This is clearly a high pressure situation, but knowing basically nothing about boats lowers the stakes a bit for me.  ChefBen says he is impressed with the way Captain Mark and the crew docked though, so I will take his word for it.

The boat is safely docked, the guest are all ready to leave, and the Primary thanks the captain, chef, and crew for all their hard work.  She does bring up the problem with the game and calls that a serious hiccup since it was a non-negotiable.  Lastly, the Primary requests that Bobby drop and give them 20 pushups.  See?  Sexual objectification isn’t just for women!

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$1388 per crew member is the tip and everyone is relieved that the mishap with the Steelers game didn’t cost them.  Ben acknowledges in a talking head that there is always room for improvement, even in his own department.  $1388 for three days work is amazing and I am once again kicking myself for finding out about yachting about 8 years, 50lbs, and one baby too late.  I would have killed for this job in my early 20s.

Hannah and Julia are working on getting the staterooms back together and Julia talks about her boyfriend Matthew.  Matthew is in banking, has muscles like Popeye, and is a gorgeous bearded fellow.  Julia talking heads that she’s been with some crazy rollercoaster guys in the past, but appreciates Matthew for being her “Stable Mable”.  Hannah says that her style is more “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” and likes to sleep with guys and then never see them again.

Jenn is whining again and is mad that she keeps getting asked to do what she considers to be bitch work when she has more experience than the rest of the deckhands combined.  I see where she is coming from, I really do- but it seems to me like this has way more to do with her attitude than her resume.  If Jenn didn’t have such a shitty vibe to her, I bet Bryan would be more interested in making her his #2.  As it stands, I don’t blame him for not wanting to work with her.

Tiffany is drinking wine straight out of the bottle.  Her theory is that since the bottle is made out of glass and has wine in it, it counts as a wine glass.  That’s some straight science-y logic, right there.  #TeamTiff

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Things we learn at dinner:

  • Tiffany doesn’t eat seafood. Something about all the whale sperm in the ocean turns her off from the stuff.  Fair enough, Tiff.
  • Bobby learns that Julia isn’t single and he is bummed.
  • ChefBen says he doesn’t have a wife or kids, because he’s “lucky like that” but would like a family in 6 years.
  • Hannah is crushing on Ben even though hooking up with him would mean she has to see him the next day, and as we learned, that ain’t her style
  • Bryan loves Tiffany’s DGAF attitude.

Tiffany calls Hannah “mom”, and I don’t think it was meant as a slight, but Hannah clearly disagrees with me and calls Tiff her “trashbag daughter” in return.  BURN.  Tiffany is hammered and slurry and kind of embarrassing, but Hannah has an unnecessarily large anger hard-on for her right now so it’s a bad look for both of them.

The crew moves from the restaurant to a bar and Bryan asks Hannah who she would trade from her crew for a member of Bryan’s crew.  She picks Bobby if he will go topless, but Bryan says the “fair trade” would be Tiffany for Jenn.  Ouch.  This is frustrating because the feminist in me is furious that a 3rd stew is considered a fair trade with the most experienced deck hand, but I really believe that it’s Jenn’s attitude, and not her vagina that is making Bryan hate her.

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Danny asks Hannah to cool it with the “trash bag” talk and Hannah seems to think it’s fair to call Tiff that since Tiff called her “mom”.  Um, as a mom I’m gonna go ahead and say those two “insults” are not equal.  Tiffany is at the bar, and for some ungodly reason, Hannah decides to sidle up next to her- clearly looking to start a fight.  Tiffany is drunk and complains that she’s tired.  Hannah mistakes this as “attitude” and starts giving her shit for not being self-aware.

Hannah tells Tiff that when she doesn’t do the tasks on the list Hannah gives her, Hannah feels like Tiffany is giving her the middle finger.  Tiffany talking heads that Hannah is the textbook reason for why she only hangs out with guys.  Tiff just wants to get drunk and has no interest in talking about feelings.  Look, Hannah has every right to have a sit-down with a member of her crew and give a state-of-the-union style address.  But what on earth is there to be gained by a drunken confrontation?  Oh right…Good TV.  Carry on, Hannah.

Bryan and Chef Ben agree with me that this is hardly the time or place to be giving lectures, and since this discussion is happening right behind them, Bryan says it’s bringing down the mood.  It almost seems like the women hit a breakthrough with Tiffany admitting that she doesn’t want to be a stewardess and would rather work on the deck and Hannah, rather exasperatedly saying “then DON’T BE A STEWARDESS” and tells Tiff to go get a deck job.  Hannah is probably right about this, but again: wrong place, wrong time.

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Bryan tries to break it up, but both women shoo him away.  Hannah basically tells Tiffany to shape up or ship out (SHIP!  I slay myself…) and Tiffany promises that she isn’t slacking but Hannah has said her peace for the night so she walks away.

Ben, once again, comforts Tiffany.  ChefBen (very wisely, I might add) talking heads that people need incentive to work, and that if you, right from the start, label them as lazy or worthless, they are going to fit the mold you put them in.  Ben tells Tiff that she’s got a great attitude and he would like her to stick with it.  Tiff says she isn’t quitting and isn’t scared.  She is, however, very very drunk.  Ben likes Tiffany because she’s weird and smart and he says that he is also weird and sometimes smart.  What’s not smart is his suggestion that they both go do shots.  Doing shots has never been the smart thing to do ever in the history of the universe.  Super fun, but never smart.

Hannah pulls Bryan aside to yell at him for trying to interrupt her conversation with Tiffany.  Man, Hannah is on fire with the “inappropriate time and place” conversations tonight.  Hannah tells Bryan that since he hasn’t had to deal with Tiff and since Tiff is part of Hannah’s crew, not his, he needs to back off.  Unfortunately for Hannah, that’s not the way boat hierarchy works.  As First Mate, the entire boat is considered Bryan’s department and he wants the least amount of drama possible.

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Um, Bryan?  It’s your boat, but it’s our TV show, so imma need you to ease up on the “no drama” talk.  Julia decides to come over to back up Hannah.  Bryan is the only one who seems remotely sober here, so even when Julia and Hannah make good points, because they are three sheets to the wind, it doesn’t resonate with anyone.

That’s all for this week.  I’m not totally on board (on board!  CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP) with this version yet.  It definitely has potential, and I like the dynamics between the group when they’re off charter, but that’s usually a very small percentage of the show.  We need a hookup.  Every season has had one so far, but I can’t really see how it will work on here or who it would be between.  Tiffany and Hannah are the straight single girls on board but other than with Ben a bit, I’m not getting any sexual tension between them and any other crew members.  Here’s hoping the next charter guests will help shake things up a bit.

Until then!

Recap written by Liz 

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

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