Who is super excited about the complete and total meltdown from Leeanne that they’ve been plugging in the trailers?  Yep, me too.

As per usual, we start off at the home of MyGirlfriendBrandi, where we meet the Redmond’s two dogs, one named Whisper (who doesn’t whisper) and another one that doesn’t have a Christian name, but Brandi calls “SugarButt”, as well as their pet bunny, playboy.  Bryan does not care for any of these animals and is silently furious at Brandi’s mother for “gifting” the pets to them while Brandi and Bryan are out of the house.  Bryan has a cut on his lip because the elder gingersnap child dropped Playboy onto his face when he was sleeping.

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I usually strongly dislike the housewives kids (Vicki’s daughter Briana from the OC being the biggest exception to that rule, as well as Milania Guidice because I’m pretty sure that she’s an actual psychopath and that makes for good tv), but I am very much enjoying the gingersnap girls.  They seem normal and fairly grounded for very young rich kids.  Brandi and the girls will be joining Stephanie and her two young boys on a trip to, I think Oklahoma, to visit Stephanie’s family and they are all going in the same car.  Yikes.  Jesus take the wheel, because mommy’s gonna need a lot of Jesus Juice to get through a road trip with four kids all under the age of 10.

We leave the Redmond menagerie to check in with Leeanne who is meeting up with rich lady who only tolerates Leeanne because of the Charity world her friend Heidi.  Heidi is the real queen of the Charity world, in that like Leeanne, she is heavily involved but she also has the cash to back it up.  Heidi, who looks like a cross between Zsa Zsa Gabor and Stevie Nicks, is the key to all of Leeanne’s contacts and connections around town.  This week’s Charity event benefits the Texas SPCA and I’m all for it.  Another thing I’m all for?  Heidi’s enormous dog who looks like he should be the lead in a live-action Disney movie.  WANT.

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Leeanne is also at Heidi’s house to beg for help with another event she’s working on that benefits women who have contracted HIV.  Honestly, I’m very pleased with how often AIDS and HIV charities are mentioned on this show so far; it’s nice to see coming from a state like Texas.  Anyhow, Heidi agrees to help Leeanne by selling tables to the event and the ladies toast with more champagne.  I’m about as far as a person can get from being a fan of Leeanne’s but the sock-bun, white blazer look she is rocking is her best of the season so far.

Stephanie and her boys come to pick up Brandi and the gingersnaps (who are having way too good of a time in what looks like an industrial sized refrigerator box) so start their four hour (FOUR HOUR) long road trip.  One of Stephanie’s boy is freaking out because he isn’t sitting next to the gingersnap of his choice (Brooklyn), and Brandi is running around the front yard trying grab one of her dogs (SugarButt, I think?) who managed to escape in the car-packing process.  From hearing the name, I thought Stephanie’s hometown was spelled “Quita”, but am delighted to find out it’s actually “Coweta”.  Can’t wait to find out more about this bustling metropolis!

We catch back up with Leeanne at the Paws Cause fundraiser (Texas SPCA event mentioned earlier) who tells us that she never says no to pet or animal charities.  She says that after adopting a sick Pomeranian named Leo, she truly had to grow up and “become a mom”.  Nope.  Not okay.  I get it, I really do, because I got Toby the WonderDog 8 years before giving birth to my son, and I love that dog more than 98% of people I know, but do people hear themselves when they call their pets their “children”?  And by the way, the only people who ever compare their pets to their kid are people who don’t have the latter.   Dogs are sweet and wonderful always and can learn quickly not to poop themselves.  Kids, not so much.

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Apparently, Leeanne got into Charity work in the first place because of meeting people at the vet who worked with animal Charities and she tells us that she fell in love with all of the attention and notoriety that comes with Charity work helping people.  Tiffany and FriendMarie are also attending this event and Tiffany pulls Leeanne aside to ask about the Cary-Stephanie brunch from last week’s episode.  Leeanne calls the brunch “confrontational”, and she’s right, since she went there with printouts from the internet and a bad attitude and got confrontational.  Marie is concerned about a cocktail party that she’s throwing where Brandi is also invited, but Leeanne says she’s not still mad about everything (except that she totally, completely, 100% is and always will be).  Tiffany seems to be a little fed up with Leeanne and her grudges, whereas Leeanne talking heads that Tiffany needs to remember who her friends are and where her loyalties should lie.

In the great, proud city of Coweta, Brandi and Stephanie finally arrive at Stephanie’s parent’s house.  Brandi warmly embraces Stephanie’s mom, because of course she’s met her before, and it’s just a further reminder that these two are actually good friends and not just hanging out for the show.  Stephanie calls Coweta “refreshing” and says that she could go to Walmart in her pajamas or a tutu and no one would care.  I think Stephanie feels a lot of pressure to be a model wife, mother, and charitable member of Dallas society and it’s nice to see her relax a bit here.  Stephanie’s whole family shows up and the food at this dinner looks awesome and makes me homesick.  Ribs, corn on the cob, deviled eggs, I. MISS. THE. SOUTH.

Stephanie’s sister Tiffanie says that they don’t have Uber in Coweta, but they do have AAA who will come tow your car home for you if you’re too drunk to drive.  Yup.  Been there, done that.  Stephanie reminisces about her childhood spent going to the liquor store which also doubled as a tanning salon, going to church multiple times a day, and not being allowed to dance, whereas Brandi seems to be feeling a bit envious of the childhood her best friend got to have.  Brandi’s mom would cook dinner, but it was usually eaten in front of the TV and big family events were few and far between.

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Stephanie’s parents are adorable.  They are showing off all of Stephanie’s childhood achievements to Brandi, including elementary school awards and pictures from talent competitions.  Stephanie says that she felt a lot of pressure growing up to be perfect and I’m wondering if Stephanie’s close bond with Brandi is because it’s the one person who doesn’t expect her to be perfect.  I think there’s a lot of sadness behind Stephanie’s sunny disposition.  Bums me out, but I’m glad Brandi and Stephanie have each other.

At the surgery center, Mark and Cary are finishing up a long day of surgery and Cary has invited Tiffany to join her for a yoga class afterwards.  Turns out, Cary is a yoga BEAST.  Homegirl is contorting her body into the most bizarre positions and Tiffany (who is in great shape herself) is having a hard time keeping up.  Mark is a lucky, lucky man.

After yoga, Cary and Tiffany go grab those green healthy smoothie drinks that taste as bad as they look and Tiffany tells Cary she’s excited to make a friend who is more LA than Dallas in personality.  Tiffany tries to stand up for Leeanne by saying that when she first met her, Tiffany hated Leeanne and thought she was full of herself but as they got to know each other better, Leeanne dropped her guard and they’ve been friends ever since.  Tiffany is grateful to have been brought back into the fold so quickly with her old friend since she was gone for so long (16 years) abd Tiffany has been Leeanne’s guest to these fabulous charity events that she tells Cary she would otherwise have not been able to go to (ignoring Cary’s comment of “or you could just pay the money and go on your own).

Tiffany always impressed that everywhere they go, people seem to know Leeanne.  Cary attributes that more to Leeanne being a loud mouth, rather than respected and repeats her line from last week about how Leeanne is not a real old-money Dallas socialite and that those people may like Leeanne, but she is not one of them.

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Tiffany talking heads, and I begrudgingly agree, that you really can’t ignore all that Leeanne has been able to do though, considering how she is an outsider and is relying solely on her ability to hustle.  I agree that there isn’t a lazy bone in Leeanne’s body, but I question the motivation.  Leeanne likes to talk a big game about helping people, but it really seems like this is more about photo ops and social climbing than it is about supporting causes and making a difference.  Charity work is just a means to an end for Leeanne, but there is no denying she’s been an integral part in raising millions of dollars for various organizations and not even my overwhelming distain for her can take that away.

Tiffany tells Cary that Leeanne was just so disgusted by the poop hat that it’s still resonating with her and Cary dismisses that notion completely, saying that it was clearly a joke and Mad Hatters is a fun event.  I think that even Tiffany knows Leeanne is blowing this out of proportion but she’s careful not to throw her old friend under the bus. Tiffany believes that if all the women were able to exist outside of the Charity world, they would all get along, which is why she’s excited about Marie’s cocktail party.  Except that Leeanne doesn’t exist outside of the Charity world; it’s literally all she is.

Question- how are we going to get these women on the Housewives Trip that happens every season?  This isn’t an organic friend group by any stretch of the imagination, and the group isn’t big enough for Leeanne and Brandi to just avoid each other.

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Back at Brandi’s house, she is calling her grandfather for the first time which is a serious and poignant moment, but I’m too distracted by her shirt (which has a yellow rhinestone pattern on the shoulders and a pink collar) to truly appreciate it.  Brandi talking heads that her time spent with Stephanie’s family in Coweta has inspired her to move forward in reconnecting with her own family.  Brandi chokes up when talking to her grandfather and offers to bring him to Dallas so that he can meet her children.  It’s a very sweet scene, but again…that shirt….

Leeanne is getting ready for cocktails at Marie’s and I’m just as excited as she is that the event tonight is not Charity related.  Especially since that means Leeanne loses her go-to argument of “Brandi doesn’t know how to conduct herself at a Charity event”.  Brandi on the other hand, is nervous about seeing Leeanne and Stephanie tells her to just try to read the situation; if Leeanne is in a good place, Brandi can approach her but if she’s not, Brandi needs to avoid, avoid, avoid.   Brandi has obviously heard about the Cary-Steph-Leeanne lunch and is aware that Leeanne is now actively campaigning mutual “friends” of theirs to turn on Brandi.

The thing is, other than Tiffany who hasn’t been around the last decade and a half, Leeanne doesn’t seem to have any real friends; she has Charity acquaintances.  Trying to get Stephanie to turn her back on a long standing friendship is a fool’s errand and only makes Leeanne look bad.  Brandi feels like if Leeanne had something to say, she should have said it to Brandi’s face, and still thinks that Leeanne needs therapy.

Oh Tiffany….sweet, sweet Tiffany.  The party gets started and everyone is hugging and saying hello, and Mrs. KeithUrbanLite immediately pulls Brandi aside to let her know that Tiffany is “a real person” who wants to get to know Brandi on their own terms.  Leeanne watches this from the corner with the fire of 1000 demons in her eyes.  Tiffany wants to be “friendly” with Brandi, if not actually friends, even if Leeanne and Brandi can’t be.  Leeanne strikes all of you as the sort of person with the grace and maturity to handle that well, right?  No?  No.

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Brandi is again wearing questionable make up for this scene and I hope when she watches this back she will realize that outside of her talking heads, she only needs to powder for the front row, not the cheap seats.  Tiffany is putting the hard sell on Brandi, but approached her before Brandi was able to get a glass of Jesus Juice, so Tiff needs to work on her timing.  Leeanne is seething and calls Brandi a “rattlesnake” in a talking head.  What exactly has Brandi actually done to Leeanne again?

Leeanne has decided on a new bestie for the day, a women named Erika, and they talk about “real friends” and how hard it is in Dallas to make them.  Cary approaches the pair in a pretty friendly manner but is immediately “bowed at” by Leeanne who basically says “Oh Hi Cary.  Erika, Cary thinks I’m fake.”  Well, hello to you too.  Cary just sort of sputters out that Leeanne is “different” before escaping to a friendlier corner of the roomj.

Marie (who clearly just missed the cut off for actual housewife status) is talking to the one male who was invited to her all women’s event- GayFriendTaylor.  I instantly recognize Taylor as being one of the more particularly bitchy boys from Logo’s A List: Dallas, so I’m excited.  Taylor snots that he doesn’t even know why Marie is friends with Leeanne, and I’m in full agreement because in fact, I think the only reason anyone is friends with Leeanne is because of her connections in the Charity world, and god forbid any of them upset her and end up in that TMZ-style Charity blog.

Cary tells Brandi that she hopes Brandi gets a chance to speak with Leeanne (why?  Does anyone actually think that will go well?) but completely agrees when Brandi says she has bigger issues in her life than how some old bitch feels about her poop hat.  Brandi also snarks that someone really needs to knock Leeanne up so that she has something else to talk about, although Brandi doubts Leeanne is still ovulating.  It’s a bitchy thing to say.  Super bitchy, really, but Leeanne is The Worst, so I’m fine with it.

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GayFriendTaylor, who is clearly trying to get a featured role for next season, saddles up to Brandi and Stephanie and immediately starts talking shit about Leeanne, saying that he usually doesn’t come to Marie’s events just to avoid seeing her.  Leeanne is watching all of this from the corner of the party and she just KNOWS that people are talking shit about her, but I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that in any room Leanne is in, at least 2-3 people are always talking shit about her at any given time.

Brandi is thrilled to have another Leeanne Hater and just about leaps in the air when Taylor spreads a little gossip, saying that Leeanne pooped her pants once when she was wasted.  Brandi loves talking about poop almost as much as her own kids, so you just know how big of a scoop this is.  Taylor says that he heard this story from Marie and delights in the reaction he gets from Brandi and Steph.

Tiffany comes up to the group after Taylor has already moved on and Brandi immediately asks her about the pooped-her-pants story.  Tiffany looks appropriately horrified and stutters something about how she knows what she has with Leeanne.   Brandi reminds Tiffany that even she hated Leeanne when she first met her.  There’s a bit of good editing here where Leeanne snarks to Erika that she bets the women are calling Leeanne a bitch and then we cut over to Brandi doing exactly that, with Tiffany laughing in response to it.  Good friend, that Tiffany.  Tiffany also agrees with Brandi that if Leeanne had a problem with her, she should have gone to the source instead of trying to intimidate her best friends.

Apparently, Tiffany went to the Eileen Davidson School of “WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES RIGHT NOW”, so she grabs Leeanne’s hand to lead her over to Brandi in order to discuss the elephant in the room.  Which is what, exactly?  These women just don’t like each other, so why force them to interact?

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Brandi sarcastically fake-apologizes for not living up to Leeanne’s standards of etiquette and Tiffany tries to steer the conversation by saying that Brandi was upset to hear that Leeanne was talking shit about her at the Cary-Steph lunch.  When Leeanne tries to say that she wasn’t being malicious (yeah, right), Brandi calls Leeanne “full of shit”, and it’s awesome.

These two women hate each other.  HATE EACH OTHER.  Tiffany (who claims to be “mediating”), Marie, Cary and Stephanie all gather round, silently watching this train wreck before Leeanne starts to wald off, clearly frustrated with Tiffany for not jumping in or defending her.  Oh shit, ya’ll.  While walking away, Leeanne throws her drink down on the floor, and we hear the glass shatter.  Stephanie sarcastically calls Leeanne “classy” and Leeanne loses her damn mind.  She gets right up in Stephanie’s face and yells at her for defending Brandi who she calls a “little piece of shit trash who can’t keep her mouth shut”, before telling Stephanie that her position in the Charity world is going to go down the toilet.  You guys, it’s such a bizarre threat.  I’m pretty sure Charities aren’t in the position of turning away people who donate money, so how does Leeanne plan to execute this ostracization?

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Either way, Stephanie starts to cry and I don’t blame her.  She’s a sensitive little flower, our Stephie and she just had a giant she-devil shout in her face.  Brandi hugs her friends and reassures her that everything will be fine.  Brandi isn’t going to let anything happen to Stephanie on Brandi’s account.

Next week, we get to see Leeanne flip out on Tiffany for not having her back, and she actually has a bit of a point with that.  Tiffany started this drama and has to be smart enough to know that it would only end badly.  Leeanne is clearly the worst, but Tiffany is a bit of a snake in the grass, herself.

Until next week!

Recap written by Liz 

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

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