So I know that people hate Whitney, but I’ve missed him this season. I like watching him bitch around with the rest of the Charmers and want more of that. That said, if more Whitney means more of him acting like a modern day Norman Bates and calling Patricia “mother”, I’ll pass.
We start things off this week with T-Rav who swings by JD’s house to gab about Kathryn and her little display at the polo match. Thomas says that he was so angry when Kathryn took Kensie that he told her he wouldn’t cosign the lease. This in turn led to Kathryn having a meltdown and her blood pressure spiking which resulted in a hospital trip and now so Thomas is going to cosign, for the sake and health of his unborn child. JD, rightfully, questions this turn of events. Kathryn and Thomas have a long history of mutual manipulation and I’d be inclined to be skeptical as well except that I had hyper tension the last month of my pregnancy and am fully aware of how serious it is. And if she was actually in the hospital then this isn’t a Brooks faked-medical records thing. Also- I don’t appreciate JD using his own wife’s experience with pregnancy as proof that Kathryn is faking it. Every pregnancy is different and Elizabeth seems like a much more even tempered person than Kathryn. We’ve watched Kat work herself up into a frenzy so it doesn’t seem impossible to me that she would land herself in the hospital after a fight with Thomas.
Thomas has decided that all of this is FriendJen’s problem. Huh? Wha? Thomas says that FriendJen is the one who gets Kathryn all riled up by showing her Thomas’s tweets and obnoxious social media behavior. Yes, Thomas. You’re shitty web presence and how it makes Kathryn feel is clearly FriendJens fault. Thomas laments that until the baby is born, he is just going to have to walk the line and JD agrees that he’s in a tough spot.
Shep is on his way to Craig’s office to watch him turn in his application for the Bar Exam. Cam calls Shep on his way in and bluntly tells him that she has diarrhea and here’s where I draw the line. I’m a southern girl who is unapologetically blunt with both friends and strangers and I even I know to say “I’m having….stomach issues”. Sure, I pause for dramatic effect so that they can pick up what I’m throwin down, but I do not believe that Cameran would actually say the word “diarrhea” except to further prove she’s “one of the guys”. Enough with that shtick already.
Craig can’t figure out if he should use a glue stick or velcro to attach his passport photo to his bar exam application. Personally, I’m a rubber cement kinda gal when it comes to my adhesive needs, but with those two options, I agree with Shep that glue stick is the way to go.
Cameran has recovered from her ….stomach issues and goes to a Ladies lunch with friends SkinnyDanni and newfriendLeva. Oh god dammit. The whole purpose of this lunch is to talk about Cameran’s total lack of baby fever. I’m with fellow recapper Kerry on this one- this storyline is old news and I really don’t care. Look, Cameran- many women fought very hard for a very long time to ensure that you have the right to choose whether or not you want to be a mother. It’s completely acceptable to go childless for whatever length of time you wish, including indefinitely. Your husband may want children now, but ultimately it is your choice. You don’t want babies and that’s okay. Can we be done here?
Landon picks up Craig for a lunchtime spa date, and I have to just get this off my chest: I hate Landon. I hate her flippant attitude, I hate her Cheshire cat grin, I hate her aimless approach to work or having a career- I just hate her. Phew. Okay, now that that’s out of the way- Craig gets a phone call from FriendJen who tells him that Kathryn was admitted into the hospital (remember that Craig and Shep and Danni are all still friends with Kathryn), because after her big fight with Thomas, she started bleeding. Um, what? Thomas did not mention that and I have no idea why FriendJen would lie about it, but bleeding when you are 7 months pregnant (or any months pregnant) is a huge deal. I bled slightly after my first vaginal ultrasound and I had a panic attack that lasted for about a week. All of the women in my family have had at least one miscarriage and my great grandmother lost a baby at 6 months. People who have never had a baby just don’t understand the mental anguish that goes along with every bump in the road. Any time you feel anything out of the ordinary, you freak out. And statistics are just not on a pregnant lady’s side. They are terrifying and very real. I’m not going to have much patience with anyone who downplays Kathryn’s hospital stay during this episode.
And on that note- Fuck you Landon. Yes, people go to the hospital every day. SICK AND DYING PEOPLE. Landon sucks so hard and is one of those people who has had nothing really bad happen to her. Sure, she got divorced, but ultimately she was the one who framed that as a good thing- she left her husband, she needed to escape and be free to live on boats and make members-only bourbon bars and create online magazines about her “things” (art+wine), so I’m not counting that as a legitimately devastating thing. You don’t get to call hummus and carrots “starving artist food” when many of us still consider that to be fancy crudité.
I don’t know how many of our readers are on twitter (well, actually I do since I see the page stats and it’s at least 60% of you got here from there) but Landon’s twitter got blown up during this episode for her awful treatment of Kathryn, and rightfully so. Back on the show, Landon keeps downplaying this like its nothing and seems genuinely annoyed that Kathryn was in the hospital. I’m disappointed in Craig for not sticking up for Kathryn more in this scene. I love him, because he’s a retweeter of our blog, but I’m disappointed all the same.
Kathryn updates us from her perspective and gets a call from Thomas who tells her that the paperwork has been submitted and she should be able to move into her house soon, now that he has cosigned. Quick question- where are Kathryn’s parents in all this? Isn’t she from a big southern family? Why can’t they cosign?
Thomas is getting ready for the flamingo party with the skinniest Johnny Depp impersonator I’ve ever seen. Landon is on her way over and Thomas makes some gross insinuations about Landon’s “many other talents”, but then talking heads with a smirk that they are just friends. Mmhmm. Landon has her own golf cart and the three of them use it to head over to Patricia’s. Landon, if you are living within gold-carting range of Thomas and Patricia, you do not get to call yourself a “starving artist”. At the party, Whitney introduces Thomas to a friend of his and Thomas uses his sleazy “what year are you? Oh, I’m just a junior…” line AGAIN. Ew.
Shep is hanging out at the party with this girl who looks to be about 12. Seriously. Look:
She’s tiny, but also has a very young face and Shep is over 6 feet tall so it’s just an odd-looking pairing. Speaking of odd looking, Cameran is wearing a flamingo hat and a dress made with fabric that screams “Disco Barbie”. Shep and his preteen date strip down and jump in the pool. This really doesn’t seem like a pool party to me, but Shep is Shep so no one is bothered by it. If Kathryn had jumped in the pool? Would have been a different story.
Craig confronts Thomas about FriendJen saying that he didn’t go to the hospital (although I think what she said was that he wasn’t there when Kathryn was released), and Thomas is furious and calls her a “Bitch” in his talking head. “Bitch” is a word that I use and love, but when a man like Thomas says it, it just feels venomous. Craig talking heads that Thomas hates FriendJen because she was supposed to just be his fun lady on the side and then she stuck around and became fully #TeamKat. Thomas keeps slurring and muttering about how FriendJen needs to “stay out of [his] affairs” no pun intended, I’m assuming.
Cooper pulls Queen Patricia aside to make sure that he is still in her good graces since he’s been fraternizing with the enemy (Kat, obvi). He tells her that he felt a bit of a cold shoulder from her and wants to make sure she knows he’s never done or said anything against her. Patricia politely dismisses Cooper saying that she has no issues with him, meanwhile in her talking head she calls him low class. Cooper on the other hand, seals his fate in his own talking head by saying that the reason Patricia doesn’t like Kathryn is that she sees too much of herself in Kat. Me thinks after this aired, Cooper will not be invited to any more flamingo parties or afternoon cocktails. Patricia also calls Cooper a “poor man’s Truman Capote” and says she’s uninterested in the gossip and drama that Cooper’s company brings into her life.
FriendJen shows up and the soundtrack immediately starts in with the booming horns and percussion signifying that shit is about to go down. Thomas gets all riled up and heads to the bar with JD who jokingly cautions him to try to avoid receiving another assault charge. FriendJen talks to Elizabeth and JD and tries to smooth over the Polo incident saying that it wasn’t their presence that caused Kathryn to wig out (it totally was), while Landon, who can’t help but insert herself into everbody’s business, comes up to Thomas and asks why he’s upset.
Thomas says that FriendJen has been trying to come between himself and Kathryn since day 1. You mean when you hooked up with FriendJen while you were with Kathryn? That, “Day 1”? Thomas pulls FriendJen aside and confronts her on what Craig said. FriendJen denies that she said he was never there, but instead that she said that Thomas didn’t stay long. Thomas tries to defend himself by saying he was there for two hours but left because they started fighting and he didn’t want to upset her further.
FriendJen says that a two hour visit is what a neighbor would do and talking heads that it’s ridiculous for Thomas to preach to her about Kathryn’s health and safety when he is the one putting her in danger with his behavior. Thomas tries to get FriendJen to admit that she lied to Craig, but she shrugs the whole thing off as a “misunderstanding”. I think it was pretty fair of her to say that Thomas wasn’t really there if he was, in fact, only there for 2 hours. Thomas is furious and yells at FriendJen to stay out of his life. I gotta say, I like FriendJen in this scene. She seems genuinely concerned about her friend and doesn’t back down to Thomas’s bullying tactics. Fellow recapper Kerry and I have long thought that FriendJen was just in it for some screen time but she’s turned me around a bit on that with this clear and obvious defense of Kat.
FriendJen talking heads that she’s torn between cursing Thomas out and telling him what she really thinks of him (shitty dad, shitty to Kat, etc) and holding back because she feels sorry for him because “he truly believes the stupid shit that is coming out of his mouth. Truly.”
Thomas marches back to the bar and orders a water, which is impressive, considering that he’s, you know, an alcoholic. Less impressive is FriendJen calling Kathryn on speaker phone right then and there. I see no problem with FriendJen letting Kat know whats going on, but time and place, people! Thomas starts demanding that Patricia kick FriendJen out of the party which is ridiculous since he’s the one causing a scene while FriendJen is just hiding in a corner talking on her phone.
I just gotta say, Thomas shouting that FriendJen needs to get out of Kathryn’s life is pretty scary and manipulative. Kathryn has exactly One Friend here, and that Thomas would want to alienate Kat even further is shameful. Sure, Craig and Shep care about Kathryn too, but FriendJen is the one who is there for her every day. I honestly hope Thomas and Landon ARE hooking up and eventually become a couple because I like it when awful people start dating each other. It makes the streets safer for the rest of us.
Until next time!
Recap Written by Liz