Hopefully this will be my last recap for a while that start with “I’m so sorry for how late this is”, but yeah…I’m so sorry for how late this is.  I’m moving into a new house and have a baby and blah blah blah latecakes.  Moving right along….

So last week, I was fairly defensive of John, but if the teasers are to be believed, I’m gonna have to walk a lot of that back this week.  But I still say that Dorinda was treated abhorrently at her event.  Speaking of:

We get right back into it and Dorinda has gone downstairs to have a smoke with Jules.  She accepts that the women were just trying to give her good advice, but she’s still peeved about the way Ramona handled her John-gossip.   Bethenny tries to intervene on Ramona’s behalf and says that she, Bethenny, was the one who went too far and is who Dorinda should be angry with.  I don’t agree, and neither does Dorinda who says that she gets to choose who she will be mad at.  Bethenny and Dorinda are new friends and there is a level of brevity that comes along with that.  A new friend can say something biting or hurtful and it will make way less of an emotional impact than an old friend who should know better.   It’s like Dorinda said last week, Ramona was her “safe place” and that safe place now feels violated.

Jules and Carole briefly have another “who’s skinnier” bitch sesh and neither of them come out looking anything but obnoxious.  You’ll all be delighted to hear that Jules gets her period every 30 days.

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Bethenny is coaching Ramona on how to apologize but frankly both of them suck at that so it’s sort of the blind leading the blind here.  Ramona settles on “Dorinda, I never should have said what I said in this setting” which seems about right.  Let’s see how badly she fucks that up!

Basically Ramona storms over to Dorinda, robotically blurts out her rehearsed line, completely bunks up the “in this setting” part, and then runs off demanding vodka shots.  Dorinda says nothing but in a talking head likens the situation to being offered a Band-Aid after a drive-by shooting.  Ramona sucks at everything.  Except divorce.  I have mad respect for her 4 month divorce.

All of the women leave except for Jules and Bethenny who stay in an attempt to smooth things over between Dorinda and Ramona figuring that since Ramona isn’t there to try to fix things herself, the girls have a shot.  Dorinda isn’t really having it though.  She spouts off some mafia shit about dying by the sword she lives by or something and says that she is definitely NOT staying at Ramona’s Hamptons house.

Dorinda calls John to see if he will be picking her up and he answers the phone angrily and manages to spit out “any bitch that wants to talk smack about me…” before Dorinda is able to take it off speakerphone.  But Dorinda hasn’t been texting John, so Bethenny wonders how he even knows.  Cut to the camera focusing on “Sabrina” who is a mutual friend of Dorinda and John.  Bethenny smells a rat and Dorinda begs John on the phone to leave his “any bitch that…” attitude downstairs.  John hangs up on her and moments later we see him stroll in the door, clearly lit up.

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Bethenny is friendly enough at first, but John is clearly hammered and looking for trouble.  The second he strolls up, we all know that Bethenny is going to destroy him.  My theory is that Bethenny is the type who needs a nemesis.  There wasn’t any real reason for her to hate Heather last year, but she did it because she has to have someone she can cut down and roll her eyes at.  When you have a lot of sarcastic spiteful energy, you need to have an outlet for it and most of the time, the universe will gift Bethenny with someone like Kelly Bensimon and she won’t have to go looking for a target.  But this time, the universe threw her an easy target in a very drunk John.  How could she not take the bait?

Dorinda tries to peace out because she’s pretty much done with everyone at this point but I guess she only goes downstairs for another smoke because she returns shortly.  Jules sticks around because what the hell else is she gonna do?  Relieve the nanny?  Cook eggs for her tiny husband?  She’s making the right call here.

John starts a beef with Bethenny over some friend of his who says that Bethenny stole his brand name (SkinnyCow v. Skinny Girl).  Bethenny schools him very quickly on the semantics of branding and all the legalese that goes into it and John deflates for a moment saying he doesn’t know about all that, but then puffs back up to spout on about how regardless, Bethenny definitely stole the name.  You can’t have a copyright on the word “skinny” and everything that follows, so I’m 100% on Bethenny’s side here and I appreciate that she’s engaging the conversation instead of shutting it down or running away; even if it’s more like a cat toying with a spider and pulling its legs off, instead of two adults engaging in a conversation.

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Dorinda has had a few too many white wines and is now slurring that both Bethenny and John are breaking her heart and how dare they, etc.  Bethenny says that this sleazy aggressive behavior is the core issue Dorinda’s friends have with John. John starts in on Bethenny saying that she sucks at relationships, which is pretty fair since she wrote a book with that exact title.  Now, while normally that would be a pretty low blow to say to a woman going through a divorce, I think Bethenny feels that John is so far beneath her (we need Kelly Bensimon to show us exactly how far), that nothing he says really registers with her.  Jules manages to talk John into going downstairs and getting a drink, and then she tells Dorinda to calm down and also to get a drink.  Because more drinks are exactly was is needed at this juncture.  Jules handles a crisis the same way she parents.  Bribery!

Bethenny tells Jules that she feels some satisfaction and vindication for her comments earlier after this last exchange with John.  And I get that, but it was also such a lopsided fight.  I think John could have maybe landed a blow or two regarding relationships if Bethenny gave two shits what he thinks, but attacking her business was just stupid.  Bethenny is a shrewd and calculated business woman who does not fuck around in that arena.  Bethenny will cut you and market your blood as a skinny girl skin cream.  And that’s the part I’ve always respected about her.

John keeps coming back in the room and trying to take Dorinda home and Dorinda keeps slurring that John is an “embarrassment” and telling him to get lost.  Jules runs out after John to get more screentime calm him down and begs him not to give the women more ammo.  John does that thing that all people with shitty personalities do, where he just says “that’s just me!  I am who I am!”  Guess what, people?  Acknowledging that you are shitty is not an excuse to continue to be shitty.

Dorinda actually leaves this time and talking heads that she is done with both the women AND John and is going home to cry.  Jules tries to defend John to Bethenny by saying that yes, John is rough around the edges, but he makes Dorinda happy; which is a sentiment that Bethenny dismisses immediately.  Personally, I think that John and Dorinda, like any relationship, have their ups and downs, but I also think that Dorinda is a grown ass woman who can decide for herself what makes her happy.  Dorinda doesn’t strike me as a codependent type of woman who needs a boyfriend and so I think she’s perfectly capable of breaking things off with someone if ultimately they aren’t making her happy.

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Carole’s dog Baby looks like a designer dog reject, so maybe she actually was a rescue and I judged Carole too harshly for buying over adopting- or they are mixing poodles and dashounds now….Anyhow, Carole calls Bethenny and says that she WILL be attending Bethenny’s birthday party but is not happy about Luanne being there as well.  Bethenny says that Carole and Luanne’s drama pales in comparison to what went on with Dorinda and John, which is true.  Plus Carole isn’t a shit-stirrer and will likely just avoid Luanne.  Bethenny fills Carole in on what happened and Carole reminds us again that she always seems to miss the big fights. I like Carole on this show and I think she’s a breath of fresh air a lot of times but can we all agree that if she weren’t Bethenny’s bestie, she would probably be phased out?

Speaking of Luanne, we get our weekly dose of the Luanne and Sonja show with an apartment hunting trip.  Luanne is only renting, so that she can be easily freed up with she meets a man who whisks her off her feet and moves her to California.  The apartment Lu is looking at today is a 3 bed, 3 bath that is renting for $9k a month.  Maybe I’ve lived in the Bay Area for too long, but that seems cheap to me.  Anyone else want a House Hunters: Sonja and The Countess edition?  The gals head downtown and look at another 3 bed, 3.5 bath, but this one is priced at 22,000 a month which is more like what I was thinking.  A friend of mine has an insane 3 bed apartment in Tribeca that has had offers to be rented out for 35k a month.  Big city real estate is madness.

We hop over to SkinnyGirlHQ (which I still say is a bomb office space and I’d kill to work there) where Bethenny does some light promoting under the guise of “this is my life”.  We also see her sign a $32k lawyer bill for her divorce which she deems “not even that bad” considering how high the bill has been at times.  Ramona swings by for a bit of Skinny Girl chocolate with a side of gossip.

Apparently, Dorinda and Ramona have been texting and the stink of the previous night has not worn off for Dorinda.  She texts Ramona saying that she is heartbroken and that she loved Ramona.  Note the past-tense.  Ultimately, while I know that Ramona is literally The Worst, what she did isn’t worth ruining a friendship over and after 20 years, she ought to have more credits in the bank with Dorinda, so to speak.  Bethenny acts out a pretty accurate portrayal of last night’s events, highlighting especially the part where John ranted about Bethenny being alone.

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Ramona and Bethenny call Jules to try and get her in on the gossip but Jules isn’t really into it and thus Bethenny isn’t really into Jules. Like, at all.  Bethenny storms away from the speaker phone after Jules says that Dorinda and John’s relationship ultimately isn’t her (Jules’) business.  I’d say Jules is making an enemy here, but I honestly don’t think Bethenny cares enough to target her, although she does refer to her as “special needs” at one point.

Everyone starts heading off to the Hamptons and fortunately Jules and Michael have a house as well, so Dorinda and John have a place to stay.  John mean-mugs the car camera and goes on a short angry rant about how he would never want to stay at Ramona’s house with her “dirty sheets” (huh?) and Dorinda reminds him that it just makes him look bad when he says stuff like that.  Jules invited all the girls to brunch at her house on everyone’s way out of town which should be interesting depending on what level of a shit show this trip turns out to be.

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Bethenny, Ramona, and Dorinda plan to get dinner that evening in an attempt to squash it all.  Bethenny feels like it can go one of three ways- a straight up apology, an “I really need to reevaluate my relationship”, or a “this is my boyfriend, stay out of my business”.  All my money is on the latter.

Jules, Micheal, and their kids get to their Hampton’s house which Jules refers to as a never-ending project with no budget.  They also quickly run through a make-shift shabbat with Hawaiian punch and breadsticks which endears me to them a bit.  John shows up with a giant bottle of rose’- and I don’t just mean a magnum, I mean it’s about half the size of Michael.  Here’s to hoping John and Dorinda remember that there are two small children in the house and while having a good time is fine- shouting and screaming are unacceptable.

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Dorinda gets her game face on for this dinner and says that while yes, Bethenny started it, Bethenny was coming from a “business” place and is the type to question motives.  Whereas Ramona has been her dear friend for over 20 years and sat in the 4th row at Dorinda’s late husband’s funeral.  Yeah, this friendship is fucked.  Dorinda says it’s like a mirror with a crack in it.  She will keep the mirror, and she will use the mirror, but there will always be that crack.  It’s irreparably damaged.   Dorinda says that the bottom line is, if you’re not nice to John, she’s done with you.  She’s over all the well-intentioned advice and cautionary conversations with her friends.  She’s chosen John, and that’s that.

Michael maturely asks Dorinda what she wants to get out of this dinner, and she says that she wants to draw a line in the sand and let the girls know where she stands.  That’s gonna go over great with Bethenny.  Who- for the record, I think is owed an apology.  John got in her face and tried to disparage both her business and her private life simply out of spite.  Dorinda is more focused on the Ramona situation though, so it might not happen the way Bethenny wants or deserves.

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Dorinda comes in to the restaurant and even the way the camera angles are set its clear that this is going to be a two-on-one situation.  Bethenny asks Dorinda if she and Ramona are okay, and Dorinda says no.  But Ramona hardly hears this and focuses on the fact that Dorinda isn’t making eye contact with her.  Dorinda tells Ramona that not pulling her aside was despicable and low class all while Ramona is apologizing at the same time.  Bethenny interjects that Dorinda needs to “check herself” and should have apologized to her right when Dorinda walked through the door.  I agree that Bethenny is owed and apology, but I also think these dinners should have been split up- there’s no reason why Dorinda should be dealing with both Bethenny and Ramona at the same time.  She’s far too heated about the Ramona situation to see clearly about the Bethenny one.  Dorinda says that she will not be apologizing to Bethenny and tells her that the good news is, Bethenny doesn’t have to be a part of the John-Dorinda relationship.  Although about a minute after refusing to apologize, Dorinda actually does tell Bethenny that she’s sorry but also says that she will not be breaking up with John, regardless of how inappropriately he has acted.  Bethenny talking heads that Dorinda has “drunk the kool-aid”.

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Dorinda comes up with a pretty smart proposal that maybe she should just keep her romantic life and friend life separate.  She says she is tired of the negativity and has way too much of it for one lifetime.  Bethenny, surprisingly, sort of softens and says that she’s sorry Dorinda has been torn between the people she cares about.  Ramona runs over and clutches Dorinda, swaying her and apologizing.  Dorinda says tells Ramona that she knows Ramona doesn’t come from a bad place, but she just fucks up some times.  Dorinda says that the bottom line is that she loves John, and even though Bethenny says that she just wants her to always do what’s best for herself and to never settle for less, Dorinda keeps explaining that she loves him and asks the table to move past this.  But in a talking head Dorinda admits that all is not well with her and Ramona and their relationship will never be the same.

Looks like next week we are back to BitchyBethenny, so I’m not super stoked about that.

Until then!

Recap Written by Liz 

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

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