We start off this week just like we’ve started every week so far, at MyGirlfriendBrandi’s house.  Bryan is packing up for a work trip (what does Bryan do again?) and Brandi talking heads that before Bryan’s career took off the way it is now (seriously, what does he do?) they used to have date night once a week and would stay in a hotel once a month just to have some alone time but now Bryan’s gone so much that she misses him.  Couples should never stop dating, that’s when things start to go south.

Over at the smallest house in Housewives history (and that includes Brandi Glanville’s rentals), we catch up with Leeanne who tells us that she met Rich online. Raise your hand if you’re shocked.  No one?  Moving on… Leeanne keeps telling us how much of a blessing he is and how good looking he is, and I hope Bethenny Frankel is watching, because THIS is what it looks like when someone trying to sell their boyfriend.  Rich is not unattractive for an older man, but she’s acting like he’s the George Clooney of Dallas when really he’s more of a poor man’s John Slattery at best.  We get some more back story when Leeanne tells us that Rich has a daughter from his second marriage named Elise.  Sorry Leeanne, Rich ain’t getting married again anytime soon…

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Brandi and Stephanie are on “date night” together and Brandi tells us that if Stephanie were a lesbian, they would get married (I guess implying that Brandi is lesbian enough already?) and live in a pink house with chandeliers and their initials bedazzled over the toilets.  This is Brandi’s fantasy, but I too would like to live in a pink house with chandeliers.  I could take or leave the toilet thing.  Brandi and Stephanie decide to call Cary and pull her into their world of madness.  I’m stoked.  I asked for MORE CARY last week and the Bravo Gods are here to deliver.   Brandi tells us that because she spends so much time at home with the kids, when she goes out, she goes OUT and gets white-girl-wasted.  PREACH.

Leeanne and Rich take out Rich’s daughter Elise for her birthday and grill her about her boyfriend.  Leeanne seems to have a good, if not overly eager, relationship with Elise and calls their small family unit “happiness” and “home”.  Leeanne’s mother had her when she was 18 so Leeanne was raised by her grandmother.  Which I guess means that the grandparents were the Carnival People? Leeanne adored her grandmother and truly believes that her grandma finally died because she met Rich and knew Leeanne would be okay.  Maybe Nana should have held on a bit longer… Also- Elise asked for, and received, what looked like Birkenstocks for her birthday.  Oh, Elise…  Is it still 1996 in Dallas?

Cary shows up dressed to the nines and Brandi and Steph are at about 1.5 sheets to the wind, sailing towards 3.  They worry that Cary’s husband won’t let her come out with them any more after tonight but Cary reassures the girls that Mark is easy and she’s “lived a lot”.  Cary spills the beans about this being her 3rd husband, which the girls seem a bit shocked by.  Brandi talking heads that the thought of 3 husbands makes her want to be a lesbian.  That’s the 2nd time she’s talking about Lesbians in under 8 minutes.  Sounds like somebody missed out on their experimental college phase and it a tad regretful.

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Cary married her college sweetheart for 2 years, got divorce, and then she was married to her second husband for 3 months before he just disappeared.  I need to know more on that story but am denied it.  Since Cary never had a bachelorette party (for any of her three marriages), Brandi and Stephanie decide to throw her a make-shift one right now and take her out to a male strip club.

The ladies head off to Le Bare (awesome name for a strip club) and Brandi and Stephanie start hugging the door men (who they know by name) and it’s clear that they are regulars.  I love that.  I love that these gorgeous, rich women are regulars at the local male strip club.  The ladies sit up front and very quickly their table is full of drinks.  Brandi is shmammered and woo-hooing it up for a while before she is asked by the DJ to join the men onstage.  Because Brandi is a former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, which is basically just a clothed stripper, she immediately gets into the act and shimmies her cute butt all over the stage, leaping into giant men’s arms and gyrating with the best of them.  I’m just gonna hope that Bryan already knows about these strip club trips and is fine with it.

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Tiffany comes over to Leeanne’s house and talking heads that Leeanne brings day drinking to a whole new level.  I think she says it in a way that’s supposed to seem endearing, but it’s not because there is nothing Leeanne does or is that I find endearing.  Shocker of the year, Leeanne is still very bent out of shape about the MadHatter event.  She plans to take Stephanie and Cary to lunch to remind them that who they bring to events is a reflection on themselves.  Tiffany thinks Leeanne needs to let it go and that it was just a joke.  YUP.

Leeanne starts on her old rant about how what Brandi did was an “insult” to all the other women at the event before saying that Brandi wouldn’t even understand that because she’s just so stupid.  Come again, bitch?  And then she says that she feels sorry for Brandi’s daughters.    Fuck you, Leeanne.  I’m sorry that you had a shitty mother and that you’ve never been a mother yourself, and that Rich will never marry you so you won’t even manage to become a stepmother, but you need to lay off.

Brandi brings her girls over to Stephanie’s house and the kids all play Tokyo Drift with a kid-sized jeep.  Stephanie talking heads that they live in a gated community so it’s totally safe.  Except that the second time we see the jeep, it looks like one of the gingersnap girls is missing.

So, remember what I said earlier about hoping that Bryan is okay with Brandi’s strip club adventure?  Not so much.  Brandi starts to choke up and says that while she doesn’t think she did anything wrong (and she didn’t, really, although I can completely understand Bryan’s position), Bryan is upset.  Apparently Brandi and Bryan used to party together all the time and now he gets upset when she does.  A couple partying together is a bit different from a man’s wife grinding on male strippers, so I get it.

Brandi cries that they will be okay, but aren’t in a good place right now.  Stephanie hugs her friend and assures her that it will all be okay.  Stephanie says that guys don’t understand that male strip clubs are not the same as gentlemen’s clubs or regular strip clubs, which is absolutely true.  Magic Mike is a pretty accurate depiction and it’s much more about the routine and dance than it is about nudity.

Tiffany, now at home, speaks again to Leeanne’s ability to day drink and credits her friend for teaching her how to make a good beverage.  Except that it looks like Tiffany is drinking a Skinny Girl product which basically requires only the ability to pour, so I’m thinking she should really be crediting Bethenny Frankel.   We hear Aaron (aka Keith Urban-lite) jamming in the garage and singing what comedian David Cross likes to call “generic white girl lyrics”.  Tiffany keeps talking about what a big deal Aaron was when they were in LA and how he had this massive record deal, but Aaron doesn’t even have a wiki page, sooooooo….yeah.

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Tiffany says that Aaron sacrificed a lot by moving with her to Dallas and I’ve gotta ask, sacrificed what?  What exactly was happening for Aaron in LA that made it such a sacrifice to leave?  I agree that for a musician, LA is probably better than Dallas, but I’d argue that Austin or certainly Nashville is better than LA.  Tiffany wants to get her feet wet in the social scene in Dallas by throwing her own Charity event and wants to put on a Charity concert.  Here’s what I love about this- clearly, this has nothing to do with Charity.  She doesn’t even say what Charity she wants the concert to benefit, because ultimately it just doesn’t matter.  It’s about putting on a fancy dress and getting noticed.  Hear that, poor people?  Better hope some Dallas rich biddy feels like throwing a party or you’re screwed.  (This, by the way, is what I love about LVP and why I will always support her endeavors because she actually gives a shit about the causes she’s trying to help, namely anything to do with animals or the LGBT community).  Anyhow, Aaron is excited about getting exposure from the concert.  Again, not about helping whatever cause they come up with, but about “playing a big gig”.  Remember that rant Brandi went on in episode 1 about how they shouldn’t need to throw a party to donate to Charity?  She nailed it.

Tiffany also sees this as an excuse to expand her social circle beyond Leeanne, which I’m sure Leeanne will handle gracefully because she seems totally secure in her life and with her relationships.  Tiffany isn’t ready to jump headfirst into the Brandi/Steph circle, but would like to dip her toes in the friend pool with Cary since she sees similarities between Cary and herself.  The only problem is, Leeanne doesn’t like Cary (for no discernable reason other than “she married well”, which I will remind you is bullshit since Cary is a successful medical professional in her own right).  Aaron wisely asks, “Does Leeanne get along with anyone besides you?”

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I’m going to give myself a quick pat on the back here for referring to Tiffany as a “grown up Katie Maloney” last week because lookie here!  Tiffany has a style blog and youtube channel.  I hope someday Katie can also experience true success with her own youtube channel.  Tiffany is going to feature her new wanna-be friend Cary on this week’s episode and comes over to Cary & Mark’s house to shoot.  We get to see in Cary’s closet, and I’m sorry, but this is the tamest/lamest closet reveal in housewives history.  You can’t show me the dressing room at Villa Rosa and then expect me to be impressed with a walk-in.

Fun fact- Mark does all of Cary’s shopping.  Cary doesn’t even bother buying her own clothes now.  I don’t know why, but I love this tidbit of insight into Mark.  Mark assures us he is straight but just has an eye for beautiful things, which is the kind of trait you’d want in a plastic surgeon.  I think Mark fancies himself a bit of a Terry Dubrow, or at least is angling for a spinoff because he completely takes over the “Sanctuary of Style” (horrible name) shoot.  I’m calling it here first: within 18 months, Mark will have a line of women’s shape-wear or something like that and will be hawking it on QVC.  Cary seems pretty good natured about Mark taking over the whole thing and talking heads that if Mark had hair he’d flip it.  YES.  Again I say- MORE CARY.

It’s the morning time as we head back over to the Redmond’s where Brandi’s mom is staying with them to help with the kids and make what looks to be some bomb-ass Bloody Marys.  Brandi recently received a package for her daughters from her grandfather, who if you will remember, disowned Brandi’s mother when she got pregnant at age 15, but was already divorced from Brandi’s grandmother, so she never met him.  Whew.  Got all that?  Well now it seems that Brandi’s grandfather has always wanted to be involved in his granddaughter and now great-granddaughter’s lives but it was Brandi’s mom who kept them at a distance.  This is a pretty big deal but the women are handling it fairly calmly which leads me to believe that this is a re-do of a previous conversation for the sake of the cameras.  Boo.

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Sidenote- both Brandi and her mom’s make up is waaaaay too much.  Brandi looks great in her talking heads with all the proper lighting, but in the at-home scenes, or even at the Charity events, she just looks caked.  And you know it pains me to speak ill of MyGirlfriendBrandi, but it needed to be said.  Enough with the pink eye shadow, ladies.

Back at Mark & Cary’s house, Tiffany is trying her damnedest to schmooze her new friends.  She asks how it is for them working together (it’s great) and Cary asks how Tiff and Aaron met.  It’s actually kinda cute, so indulge me for a moment here.  Tiffany was dating a friend of Aarons’ which is how they initially met, but then they didn’t see each other for a year or so and randomly bumped into each other on the streets of Beverly Hills, both in a rush to get somewhere important and they were married 4 months later.  Aaron says that he never thought he would get married because he never imagined he’d find a “beautiful girl with a beautiful heart” while living in LA.  I want to hate them because they are boring, but I also love them because they are really sweet, like a pile of sleeping puppies.  Can’t do much with them, but they are a bucket of precious.

Tiffany heads over to Leeanne’s to help her sort clothes or something but mostly to talk about her youtube shoot with Cary.  Leeanne clearly feels threatened when Tiffany deems Cary as “funny”- which I get, I really do.  I’ve always said I don’t care if my boyfriend comments on how another woman looks, but if he were to tell me about how funny some girl is?  That would raise my hackles instantly.  I think Leeanne identifies herself as “the funny one” and is obviously irritated when someone else gets called funny.  It happened when Stephanie called Brandi funny and it’s happening here.  The problem is, I don’t think Leeanne actually is funny, or at least we aren’t seeing any evidence that she is.

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Leeanne wigs out when Tiffany says that she wants to cultivate relationships with Stephanie and Cary.  She talking heads that Tiffany’s reputation in the Charity world could be damaged if she associates with Stephanie and Cary.  Tiffany recognizes that in being friends with S & C, Tiffany will be associating with Brandi as well (she should BE so lucky…) and that’s really Leeanne’s issue.  Tiffany tries to back away from it all saying that she just doesn’t like drama, and Leeanne emphatically agrees that she too, doesn’t like drama.  Ummmmmm………..I have much to say on this, but will let Tiffany do the honors “Leeanne saying she doesn’t like drama is like Charlie Sheen saying he doesn’t like hookers”.  Although he probably likes them less now that he has the HIV.

Bryan is back in town and it is awkward as hell.  Bryan feels like he has an image to uphold with his business (WHAT IS THIS BUSINESS) and his wife being at a strip club, male or otherwise, doesn’t fit in with that image.  I’m guessing he never cared before (remember that Brandi and Steph knew the bouncers; they’ve been there more than once) but now that this activity is being witnessed on a national platform, it’s no longer okay with him.  Brandi tells Bryan about her grandfather reentering (or I guess entering for the first time) her life and wanting to spend time with their daughters and she is miffed when he doesn’t seem to jump on board immediately.  But to be fair, Bryan doesn’t even know the man’s name (it’s John) and the most he can muster is an “I hope I’m in town”.

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Bryan fakes a conference call to avoid the awkwardness of the room, or maybe the cameras, and Brandi starts to cry.  So help me god, Bravo…if you fuck up a relationship that has been going since middle school, I will…I dunno…write a strongly worded letter or something.  Brandi feels like she and Bryan hardly know each other anymore and says that it hurts to give so much of yourself to someone and not feel that come back to you from them.

Stephanie and Cary show up for their sit-down with Leeanne and I’m thrilled to see Cary wearing her scrubs since she is coming from work.  Stephanie is a housewife, Brandi is a housewife (not that there is anything wrong with being a housewife especially on a show called The Real Housewives), but Leeanne has a completely wrong impression of Cary; actually Leeanne has the wrong impression of all of the women, but especially Cary.  I really want Leeanne to use her “married well” line to Cary’s face.

Stephanie is nervous and hopes she will be able to get a word in edgewise since Leeanne is so loud.  Cary claims that she can be louder, and so she isn’t worried about it.  Leeanne shows up and is all huggy huggy kissy kissy compliment-your-shoesy.  She talking heads that since Tiffany wants to develop friendships with these women, she feels it’s her responsibility to let them know what they’ve been doing wrong.  You know, how you do, when you’re trying to mend fences and build relationships…

Leeanne says that she isn’t there to have a bitch sesh, but to let them know how other people (read: Leeanne & her cronies) are observing them.  Leeanne says that Respect is a big thing for her and she passes around printed copies of her friend’s blog which Stephanie says is like the TMZ of the Charity world.  The review is hardly a slam and even features a picture of Brandi’s hat.  The line about the fake poop in the chair was clearly a plant by Leeanne and wouldn’t have been mentioned otherwise.  Speaking of the fake poop, Leeanne saved it and brought it with her.  What. A. Loon.  She says that shit is never appropriate at Charity events and Stephanie can’t believe that Brandi’s hat became such a big deal.

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Stephanie tries to explain to Leeanne that if they are all there at a Charity event for the same purpose, and Leeanne makes it out to be about a poop hat, then she’s the one who has lost sight of it all.  Cary asks who was offended and Leeanne answers that every elderly woman who has worked hard to build the event.  Really?  Did she poll the room?  I seem to remember a lady in red who thought the hat was great.  Cary shrugs that she just doesn’t care as much about what other people think and Leeanne shouts back that it’s called “being appropriate”.

Cary balks at this, considering the event in question is called “Mad Hatters” and is filled with people wearing giant ridiculous hats.  Leeanne just keeps stomping her feet and shouting “NOT APPROPRIATE!!”  And then Leeanne goes into this “bow at me and I will bow at you!” rant that I don’t really understand while Cary raises a glass of no fucks and Stephanie sits quietly, looking horrified.  Cary asks her what the point of all this is, and Leeanne, who has been talking the whole time mind you, says “Finally!  I can get my two cents in…” and tells Stephanie that someone asked about her and noticed she was with Brandi.  Leeanne tells Stephanie that who she associates with reflects back on herself.  Which is sort of true, since I definitely think poorly of Tiffany for associating with Leeanne.

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To Stephanie’s credit, she finds her voice and defends Brandi saying that if other people want to judge her for her friendship with PoopHatRedmond, then that’s their problem, not hers.  Stephanie says that Brandi is a good friend to her and she can wear all the poop hats she wants.  Leeanne is also very salty about Brandi’s lack of respect to “her elders”, (i.e. Leeanne who is a decade older).

Cary’s had enough of this whole thing and calls Leeanne out for acting like she’s some Dallas socialite which is a level of status one needs to be born into (think Katie from RHOP).  Leeanne fires back that you don’t have to be born into it, which is bullshit.  I agree with Cary who says “yes you do- you have to have a billion dollars and be born into it.”  Leeanne oh so cleverly fires back with “well, that’s your opinion” (man), and then (finally) recognizes that this endeavor is a lost cause.  Leeanne excuses herself from the table and leaves.

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Do you think Leeanne has any idea what kind of damage she is doing to her own reputation with how she’s representing herself on this show?  That’s the irony in all of this, I think.  She progressively makes herself look more and more bitter and petty by the week. Leeanne is repeatedly outing herself as someone with poor breeding and bad manners, all while admonishing the other women for the same thing.  It’s almost poetic.  Anyhow…

Until next week!

Recap written by Liz 

10thoughtsblog@gmail.com

@10thoughtsblog

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