Lisa Rinna tells us “previously this season on the real housewives…” and suddenly I’m made aware of how excruciatingly long this season was. I don’t even remember Kyle and LVP going to Italy or when The Lisa’s went to Ohio to see about a pony. It seems like everything got so bogged down with the Lyme disease, who owes who what level of apology, and mushy shnowsens shenanigans that what little nonsense occurred some 20 or so episodes ago just got lost in the shuffle. Do you realize that if you conceived a baby on premiere night, you’d be halfway through your pregnancy by now? I like long seasons usually, but this was (and I don’t think I’m alone in saying this) the worst season ever of RHOBH. And it’s a shame, because Erika was such a fun addition. I wish she had gotten a better freshman season.
So we have finally arrived at the season finale and we start off in Palm Springs at Kyle’s house where she is getting prepped and ready for a party that was planned before the Dubai trip that all the ladies (or at least both Rinna and LVP) will be attending. Kyle, who I will remind you has been here since the beginning, says that she hopes that everyone can keep their Big Girl Panties on and just have a good time. They all always say that before a party and I’d really like, just once, for one of them to be like “So I’m having a party and everyone hates each other and I am well aware that it’s gonna be a shit show but at least everyone will be drunk”
We flip around to all the ladies and see them at home and back from Dubai before landing on Lisa Rinna and her manger Steven. I figured Rinna would be recapping the trip for us but instead, after a brief talking head where she makes a “The Face” (think that episode of SATC where Carrie ran into Nina Katz, the girl who dated the heartbroken Aiden after Carrie did) when talking about her lack of friendship with LVP, they start talking about Rinna’s line on QVC and a potential NBC talk show. Really, NBC? Haven’t you suffered from ratings bombs enough? Does anyone even really watching talk shows anymore? I know Ellen is still going strong, and sure, I DVR the occasional Dr. Phil, but I think Rinna should slow her roll and try for a podcast like the rest of the housewives. I mean, if Bethenny couldn’t even make it work…
Because Rinna is useless (and I really mean that- I find her useless), we head over to Yolanda’s condo of sickness and sadness where Erika has come to visit and catch her up on the goings on in the Middle East (with what happened on the trip…not, like, politically). Erika tells Yolanda that LVP was involved somehow with the Munchausen’s rumor, according to Rinna and Yolanda’s face says she’s surprised, but her eyes do not.
At Villa Rosa, Ken furthers his status as everyone’s Favorite Husband during this exchange:
LVP (with Schnookie in her lap): Rinna just kept going at me, “You’re a liar! Own it!”
Ken: Oh come on… She’s a stupid bitch
LVP (sounding confused): you like Rinna
Ken: If she turned on you like that, why would I?
YAS KEN, YAAAAS.
Over at Eileen’s Casa De Creepy Tchotchkes, she is relaying the story to a clearly bored Vince who when he asks if she wants his opinion is met with a swift “no” from Lady Soapy. Side note- did ya’ll read LVP scathing blog from last week? It was a serious mic drop. Long Live The Queen.
So it seems like the whole crew (with the possible exception of Kyle, who unfortunately has the backbone of day-old calamari) is against LVP. Why does this happen literally every season? Why does everyone freak out and decide to hate LVP? And yet she remains the fan favorite. Don’t they see that? Plenty of seasons past have tried to oust her, but she is a Bravo darling and is here to stay. I don’t have the patience for it and I frankly have no interest in recapping it. I will say though, that the simple fact that Kathryn Edwards doesn’t seem to care about this garbage either makes me hate her less and I think we are going to end the season with her having moved out of my “The Worst” position and replaced with…I’m not sure yet but Rinna is working super hard to get there.
The ladies arrive at their hotel in Palm Springs and Yolanda has managed to slap on some makeup (you’ve come a long way, baby!). Oh good- Faye Resnick is of course in attendance which means that LVP has yet another person there who hates her. But on the flip side, Krazy Kim Richards will also be there so that means Rinna may have her hands full as well. Oh shit, ya’ll. Camille is going to this party too. See, Cameran from Southern Charm? THIS is how you throw a party. Invite everyone and overstock the bar.
Rinna starts the party off right by walking in and immediately grabbing Yolanda to talk. Because there’s no better time to hash shit out with someone you don’t even like then when you are a guest in your friend’s home. Rinna is on a “HERE CAN ONLY BE ONE LISA” shit talking tour, so she tells Yolanda that she once called Yo more manipulative than LVP and she apologizes for it. Yolanda asks who started the whole conversation about doubting Yo’s health, and Rinna basically says yes, it’s all LVP’s fault. Nice.
Fuck off Rinna. Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to say anything. If LVP did what you say she did, then she threw you a bone because you had no storyline otherwise, so again I say- FUCK OFF RINNA. Yolanda says that ultimately she just doesn’t care about this who said what nonsense and that what little energy she does have, she isn’t going to waste on the ladies and their bullshit.
Eileen (who also just totally sucks this season) and Erika (I still love you, boo but you makin it hard this episode) go sit down with Yolanda and Rinna, quickly followed by Kathryn who is double fisting her cocktails this evening in what I can only assume is yet another attempt to win me over. Kyle’s spidey senses start tingling so she rushes over to find the women in case there’s a pot of shit that needs stirring.
Yolanda leaves the group to find LVP to rat Rinna out. LVP refuses to take credit for starting the Munchausen’s conversation, and she shouldn’t because she ultimately didn’t start it. If she encouraged Rinna to share her feelings, that’s one thing (and not even a big deal of a thing at that) but she certainly wasn’t the one to “put it out into the universe” as Yo would say. LVP calls Kyle over who unequivocally denies that LVP was the one who started it and LVP is thrilled to finally have someone on this show who has her back. I’d be worried about that person being Kyle, but maybe the brunette Richard’s sister has wised up and will stay loyal for once. Something gets botched in editing because we jump to a talking head with Yolanda saying “Really? I’m not an ass-kissing kind of girl”, which has literally nothing to do with what the ladies were talking about.
Faye shows up to add nothing to the conversation. Thanks, Faye. Sitting across from LVP on the Blond Couch is Kathryn, Erika and good ole Camille. Erika compliments the cuff LVP bought in Dubai and then promptly starts talking shit “privately” while LVP is about 6 feet away from her. Erika asks Kathryn how she feels about the way LVP treats people and for the most part Kathryn doesn’t take the bait. She says that she likes LVP and hasn’t seen anything to change her opinion of her because LVP has done nothing to make her think otherwise. Erika tells Kathryn that someday she could be Kyle (implying that’s a bad thing) and that of course LVP hasn’t done anything to Kathryn as she still likes her.
Oh fuck off Erika. (I know, I shocked even myself there as I’ve been a big fan all season.) Erika doesn’t like LVP because she IS LVP. We haven’t seen LVP manipulate or talk shit about anyone this season (I’m not saying it hasn’t happened, but we haven’t seen it), whereas we’ve seen Erika do it several times. Now, maybe LVP is just smart enough to string her webs off camera, but it’s very obvious that Erika is an alpha female and she wants to dethrone the queen. The trouble is she’s going about it in the worst possible way because the other women on this show are not the ones who crowned LVP the queen in the first place. That was done by the viewers. We’re the ones who jumped in head first when she developed the VPR spin off; we’re the ones who make religious pilgrimages to SUR, and we’re the ones who loyally follow a Pomeranian dog with alopecia on twitter. By so publically trying to undermine our beloved queen, you are painting a target on your back. And I think we all liked Erika and could have gotten fully on board with her too, but not like this.
Erika is still rushing around the party trying to make sure everyone hates LVP as much as she does and the next stop is Yolanda. I am going to give Yolanda some props here because I really think she doesn’t care so much who start the whole thing at this point because ultimately, they all participated in it. Even Erika and Eileen who have been on Yo’s side all season, still engaged in conversation with the other women about it. Yolanda, Rinna, Erika, and Eileen go inside to find Kyle and LVP because they’ve decided they need hash things out again and my eyes are just starting to roll back into my head when KrazyKim decides to sit down with them. YES! I’ve never been so happy to see Kim.
Kim and Rinna give each other a cut “hello” and make some small pleasantries before Kim asks to talk to Rinna alone. Kim asks why Rinna was “enraged” about her getting lunch with Yolanda and Rinna deflects saying “that’s my own business and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with you.” Kim talking heads that she doesn’t understand why Rinna gave a shit in the first place and I’m 100% with Kim on that. It never made any sense. Rinna again gives her soapbox spiel in a talking head about how since her sister died of an overdose, she’s connected to Kim and her addiction and it’s all so last season. My father committed suicide about 8 years ago but I don’t consider myself personally connected to every depressed person on the planet. The whole thing has been none of Rinna’s business from the start. Kim gets wildly offended by everything that Rinna says which was to be expected, and like Rinna, I’m not sure I understand what Kim wanted from this sit down.
LVP and Ken get ready to go, and so obviously Eileen starts to shit her pants about the fact that no one has confronted LVP yet. On her way out, LVP gives a halfhearted “sorry I’ve been rude to you” to Faye for Kyle’s sake (which Faye totally buys, btw), and then Rinna rushes Eileen out because Soapy’s head is going to start spinning if she stays in a peaceful room for longer than 20 minutes.
After Kyle’s party, we cut to some undetermined time in the future (it’s obviously Christmas, but I have no idea when the party was since the weather pretty much stays the same all year round in LA) where LVP, Kyle and Kathryn are gathered around to talk about how shocked they were to hear that Yolanda and MyLove are getting divorced. We are then treated to a montage of Yo & David most lovey dovey moments and it reminds me of those couples on facebook who feel the need to constantly be gushing about their relationship in a public forum. I’m always a little distrusting of that. I agree with Kyle who says that she wonders if Yolanda’s health issues affected her marriage, or if it was her marriage issues that affected her health. My guess is that it was a bit of both. And call me a sucker who is all tangled up in LVP’s web, but I genuinely believe that she is shocked by the news, and feels awful for Yolanda.
Oh shit. So we head over to Yolanda’s New Condo, which means she is no longer residing in David’s Downtown Condo of Sickness and Sadness. Erika has come over to visit and she’s the appropriate person for us to hear Yolanda tell this story to. Yolanda says that her new condo is a safe place and anchor for her family now. It’s a gorgeous apartment and regardless of my feelings on her as a character on this show, Yo has pretty impeccable taste with interior design. It’s clean and crisp, yet still warm. Erika asks if anyone has reached out, and Yolanda says that they’ve all texted but she doesn’t trust any of those bitches right now anyhow (my words).
Erika is being the exact kind of girlfriend you would want in this scenario; using supportive language but mostly just listening. Yo says that when two people stop making each other happy, they shouldn’t be together anymore. And I guess I agree with that but only after every last resource available (therapy) has been utilized. Which is exactly why the viewers are frustrated that we didn’t get to see any signs of the marriage crumbing this season except for that brief moment where David’s mic was still on and it caught his conversation. Yes, it’s their marriage, but they signed up to be on tv and one could argue that they over exposed us to what they felt like was working and good, so it feels like a bit of a cop out to feign a need for privacy now that things aren’t so rosy. Either way, Yolanda’s big comfy white sweater looks hella comfortable and I want one.
Eileen and Rinna (hands down my two least favorites of this season- yes Kathryn was high on the list for a while but this LVP bullshit has flown these two assholes to the top) meet up to talk shit about their friends. Riddle me this- because I think I might just be hyper sensitive since I’ve just now deemed Rinna The Worst, but is it insensitive to text your friend who is getting a divorce (yes, yes it is- you should call) and offer the sympathies of both yourself AND your husband? With whom you are not getting a divorce? I think I’m probably overreacting… Anyhow, Yolanda has no time for either of these bitches and only responded to their texts with a “prayer hands” emoji. That’s my new move for when people I don’t want to talk to text me, btw.
Rinna, that see you next Tuesday, has decided that it was Yolanda’s concealment of her marital issues that she must have been picking up on and that’s why she said such horrible things about Yo. Sure. That’s what it was. Also, Eileen’s hair looks horrible in this scene. Way to end on a high note, Soapy.
And that’s how we end this trash bag of a season. Here’s what we learn from that last bit about text they always throw up on the screen:
Rinna shot a talk show pilot and is starting a lip gloss line. Don’t. Care.
Eileen is trying to get Erika a job on The Young & the Restless. That’s it. That’s all it says. Because Eileen has done NOTHING this season except ruin dinner parties and demand multiple apologies for the same damn thing.
Kyle’s scripted pilot about her childhood starts shooting this summer. I will totally watch that if it gets green-lit.
LVP and Ken are opening a new restaurant in West Hollywood…which is the same neighborhood as her other three restaurants. This is like when there’s a Starbucks on every corner of an intersection…
Erika’s new single contains the refrain: “How many fucks do I give? Zero.” I’ve heard it. It’s catchy. Although in the music video she’s wearing pigtails and I hate it when grown women do that.
Kathryn is loving her new hearing device and she and SexyDonnie purchased a chateau in Normandy- which is reason enough for me to make nice and try to be her friend. You’ve grown on me, Kathryn. I really, really hated you there for a while, but you ultimately moved over onto TeamLVP at just the right moment, saving yourself from being deemed The Worst.
Yolanda feels better than she’s felt in years (maybe Kyle was right…) and she’s looking forward to seeing Bella and Gigi walk the runway in Paris for Fashion Week.
And that’s a wrap! Except, of course, for the grueling 3 part reunion that we are going to be subjected to. Here was my guess for the seating chart for the reunion before seeing the previews for it:
Left Couch (from closest to Andy out): Yolanda, Rinna, Eileen, Erika
Right Couch (from closest to Andy out): LVP, Kyle, Kathryn
Here’s what it actually is (That’s Erika blocking Yolanda on the bottom left):
Man did I get that wrong…
Check out the preview here (I really enjoy the shot of Kathryn hold a pillow up as if to protect herself): http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills/season-6/videos/lisa-rinna-calls-out-vanderpump
Recap Written by Liz