Question- have we always had the “previously on” segment obnoxiously narrated by Cameran?  I feel like I would have remembered that because I really don’t like it… I know that Cam has been deemed the main star of this show, but no one is watching for Cameran.  We are all here to see Kathryn and her rage-filled facial expressions.

Anyhow, we start things off with the Narrator Lady herself and Cameran tells us that she considers herself a “Modern Southern Woman”. She enjoys working and doesn’t feel like she’s ready for a baby even though Invisible Husband Jason most certainly is.  I’m with Cam on this one.  The girl has a bangin body and is really just getting started with her real estate career so why rush into babies?  Babies are exhausting and my stomach will never look the same.  Ever.  Cameran has decided, however, that she can uphold her bravo contract duties as a Southern woman at least in terms of throwing dinner parties.  WAIT- are we going to get to meet Invisible Jason?  (Spoiler alert- we are not…)

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On to the Real Star of the program, Kathryn, who we see wake up at FriendJennifer (who if I remember correctly, was the chick that Thomas had a fling with a long time ago and who Kathryn decided to become frenemies with last season)’s house because lord knows uber doesn’t have service out to the plantations. The Pink/Periwinkle fiasco gets brought up again and FriendJen snarks that even though Thomas is “overwhelmed”, it must be nice to get his fancy downtown nest all ready for the kids whereas Kathryn doesn’t even have a nest and is still sleeping in her childhood bedroom with daughter Kensington.

From what I can gather on social media, it seems to me like Thomas wants to pay child support and to set up a visitation schedule but that would mean that Kathryn loses control over the children.  And Kat’s control over the kids is the one power move she has, so it would take a lot of money for her to willingly give that up.  And this is exactly why people should make co-parenting plans while they still like each other, Just In Case.

And immediately after I write that paragraph, we are taken to Thomas’s plantation where he tells us that babies born out of wedlock are in the full custody of the mother and so the father has zero parental rights.  But on the “flip side”, he tells us that until a custody agreement is worked out, he is under no obligation to pay any support.  Ugh.  Child support is about SUPPORTING the CHILD and should be given regardless and also fathers should always have the right to visitation if they pay for a DNA test to prove paternity (unless of course they are deemed unfit).  Crazy Southern rules…

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Thomas tells us that as an act of good faith, he has been giving Kathryn $2500 a month (which is a small fortune in the south), and she lets him see Kensie 6 days a month.  Which sounds like nothing, but I’m guessing actually means three weekends out of four, not just 6 random days here or there.  That’s actually not unreasonable considering the standard custody agreement is every other weekend for the parent without primary custody.  My dad saw me every other weekend and we got dinner on Wednesdays.  Thomas’s nanny (as in the nanny he hired, not his own personal nanny) reminds him that the person suffering the most through this is Kensington and that while he may not be able to give her everything he wants to right now, the most important thing he can give her is an end to the negativity.

Kathryn tells FriendJen that the money Thomas gives her isn’t enough to raise a child.  Um…..I’m not sure I agree with that.  What he is giving her amounts to 30,000 a year.  Even if Kathryn isn’t working, that means she isn’t paying for daycare.  Yes, children are expensive, but child support isn’t supposed to even be about supporting the parent as well.  It’s supposed to go to food, clothing, medical, miscellaneous extras for the child.  What Kathryn is looking for is spousal support and that’s not what she’s entitled to here.

FriendJen (I was right about who she is), tells us in a talking head that while she used to sympathize with T-Rav, having gotten to know Kathryn and become her friend, she is no longer in Thomas’s corner.  Especially since they DID actually hook up (she had originally told Kathryn they hadn’t) while Thomas and Kathryn were together (Thomas told FriendJen that he and Kathryn were not).  That said, because I question the motives of anyone who is on reality tv, I believe that Jen realized she had a much brighter future as “Friend of Kat” than she did as “Former Fling of T-Rav”, and chose her allegiances accordingly.   Kathryn tells us that she forgave FriendJen because she truly believes that Thomas told her that he and Kat weren’t together (I believe that), and she feels like FriendJen is the only other person who knows what it feels like to be manipulated by T-Rav (not a chance- the man’s a politician).

We head further downtown to Landon’s house that she tells us she was able to get after the success of her pop-up shop.  Nope.  Not an ounce of me believes that.  Moving on, Landon refers to herself as a “starving artist” and says she’s in dire straits.  She says this while drinking wine out of what looks like an expensive wine glass in her expensive downtown house.  And now I hate Landon.  Sorry fellow recapper Kerry, Whitney is NOT the worst, Landon is.

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Landon is also painting a mural on the walls of her house, which if it’s a rental, is a surefire way to lose your deposit.  Landon tells Shep that she wants to start a magazine that incorporates “all of [her] things”, those things being mostly art and wine.  Shep is there visiting and relates to Landon because both of them are “allergic to work”.  I’m allergic to Landon and her grin that makes her eyes disappear.

We see #NewCraig skyping with his mom and dad (no AwesomeDog, sadly) and he tells them and us that while he hadn’t previously met all of the requirements to take the bar exam but now he is ready to take it in February.  Until then, instead of studying full time, #NewCraig will be getting a job from JD to get a steady paycheck.

Cameran heads over to Patricia’s house where we meet Anna, Patricia’s new intern, and her hedgehog.  Okay, is this really a thing?  Not hedgehogs (which are adorable, btw) but Rich Ladies with Interns.  Does this really happen?  I had never heard of it until we met Sonja and her slew of revolving interns on RHONY.  I know lots of rich families that have assistants, but they are usually paid pretty well.  Are these unpaid internships?  Do they get college credit?  PLEASE- someone explain this to me.

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Side note- Patricia refers to the hedgehog’s penis as a “dinky” which is the same word my mother uses when she needs to say “penis” in polite company.  Not that it comes up that often.  Cameran pulls her “aw shucks” routine in her talking head and says that she has no idea how she managed to get into Patricia’s social scene, but she’s glad to be there.  Um, I know how.  She’s been friends with Whitney and Shep for years, right?  Not to mention, THEY ARE ON A TV SHOW TOGETHER.  I’m not sure why Cameran wants us to believe she is more blue collar than she really is.  Didn’t her mother run an etiquette school?  Her family may not be as rich as Whitney’s, but she’s clearly got somewhat decent breeding.  Regardless of how many Macdonald’s Happy Meals she was fed as a kid.

Anyhow, Cameran’s over at Patricia’s to invite her to her dinner party (which is already soaring straight to the top of the list of Dinner Parties I Don’t Care About) and she says that she plans to make dinner in a crockpot.  Patricia has apparently heard tell of Cameran’s infamous lack of hosting/housewife skills and suggests she hire a caterer instead.  Cam wants the group to think she was the one cooking, but her reputation precedes her so no one is going to believe that anyhow.  Patricia also loans out her beloved Michael (who must be back from vacation) to handle the drinks.  I like how Patricia has just completely taken over Cam’s party.  (Side note- we learn later that Patricia likes her meat well done and it makes me feel like I’m a better person than her because well done is not how you eat good meat)

Cam has decided not to invited Thomas or Kathryn to this party which means I really don’t give a shit about it.  Patricia calls them a “recipe for disaster” which is true, but also why we watch this show in the first place.

#NewCraig heads out for the business meeting with JD dressed in his finest suit from the WillyWonka Spring collection. JD has offered #NewCraig an opportunity to buy into his company and although #NewCraig is unable to pay fully for his share, he will be paying his portion off in “sweat equity” by becoming a project manager for JD’s hospitality company.  I don’t really understand that arrangement and am too focused on #NewCraig’s purple suit to really care.

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#NewCraig writes JD a check for $15k and I thought he was the one who didn’t have money in this group?  Or is “no money” a relative term among rich people, like when skinny people call themselves fat?  Either way, J.D. seems like a really nice guy and a really good friend and I’m guessing that’s the reason we just don’t see that much of him on this show.

Shep and #NewCraig meet up at a bar where Shep, in his best attempt to pull some Three’s Company style hijinks, has invited three women (including Landon) to join them.  #NewCraig feels like the tides have turned a bit and Shep is now the one acting like he’s in a college frat.  Okay, sure except that Shep has always acted like that and the whole point last year was the Shep and Whitney can afford to remain goof off idiots for decades to come, whereas Craig could not.

Landon whines about how when she introduces her girlfriends to Shep, they end up hooking up and it makes things awkward for her.  Well, Landon, I see a very simple solution to this problem.  Actually, I see three – the first, and most obvious one, is stop introducing your friends to Shep.  That said, Charleston is a small town so they might be bound to meet eventually.  Another possible solution is to ask your girlfriends to not hook up with him because it makes you uncomfortable.  You run the risk of looking petty and selfish though, since you aren’t dating Shep and shouldn’t be claiming any stakes on him.  Which brings me to my final solution of- get over it.  Or, ask Shep to be your exclusive boyfriend and then when he says no, get over it.  Either way the end result is the same.  Landon has a talking head full of sour grapes where she says Shep needs to grow up and laughs bitterly at his misfortune of inviting too many women to the same place.

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Cameran meets up with her “domestic fairy godmother” Suzanne (of Charleston Academy of Domestic Pursuits) to pick out meat for Cam’s dinner party.  Suzanne has previously worked with Kathryn when she was trying to learn how to be a good hostess, so I’m automatically unimpressed and question her ability to teach.  Suzanne disapproves of the salt Cam keeps at home and so do I- get decent salt, people!  It makes a world of a difference.

Side note- I wonder how Cameran’s parents feel when she goes on her “gee golly” spiels about her humble upbringing.  And I also wonder how Jason feels when she gets all cutesy about her inability to be a good wife and complete disinterest in having a baby.  Maybe they don’t care because they know even better than we do how fake Cam is on this show.

Whitney and Mother (it really creeps me out when he calls her that) are on their way to a restaurant (that was written up as having the best French food in Charleston, yet has in my opinion the tackiest décor imaginable) to get dinner with Thomas.  Thomas’s invitation was a surprise to Whitney considering how they left things after his campaign last season and the wide distance that has come between them since.  Whitney is open to having a drink and a laugh with his old friend but doesn’t anticipate it going much further than that.  Patricia and Whitney arrive at the French place and I’m delighted to see that Thomas is already three sheets to the wind.  Whitney is less delighted and becomes instantly annoyed when Thomas starts talking in an aggressively bad French accent to the waiter.

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Whitney asks Thomas if he is seeing anyone (hello baited question) and Thomas slurs that he can’t date because he doesn’t want it to get back to Kathryn and whines about how she’s keeping Kensington from him.  Patricia talking heads that she finds Kathryn’s actions despicable and certainly not in the best interest of the child.  She brags to us about how she and her ex-husband were able to co-parent amicably and as a result, Whitney is perfection.  Yikes.

Kathryn is going to look at a house with FriendJen and she tells us that she has enough to make it on her own and she won’t be waiting around for Thomas to provide what he promised her.  Good.  It’s about time she acted like a responsible adult and quit waiting for Thomas to pony up money he doesn’t owe her.  FriendJen drops a producer planted bomb by asking if Kathryn is going to Patricia’s Flamingo Party, which she of course was not invited to.

Side note- I LOVE flamingos and desperately want some of the plastic lawn variety but have been informed by the boyfriend that they are tacky and not allowed on our property.  No one appreciates good Americana kitsch anymore.

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Kathryn is visibly wounded that she was not invited, but I have no idea why since she knows Patricia hates her.  This is like when one of the housewives gets offended by not being invited to their nemesis’ birthday party.  Kathryn calls Patricia “ballsy” for not inviting her and whines about how she’s done nothing wrong but keeps getting black listed by her supposed friends.

Suzanne has arrived at Cameran’s house to mock her lack of domestic skills and tell her how to put meat in the oven.  By the way, is anyone else annoyed that Cameran keeps doing that thing where she laughs at her own “jokes”?  I also unequivocally despise people who can’t cook but have amazing kitchens.

Man, I am hating on Cam this episode, which only proves how susceptible I am to having my opinion swayed and I should definitely stop asking fellow recapper Kerry her views on things if I want to keep an original thought in my head.  Although, she was the one to bring me to the light and turn me into a Kristen Doute fan, so who needs their own opinions anyhow.

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All of Cameran’s kitchen equipment is still in the box because HAHAHA CAMERAN IS A BAD SOUTHERN WIFE HAHAHAHAH. HA.  And then, later when Patricia arrives, Cameran trips on a rug on her way to open the door because she’s just adorkably incorrigible.  We get it.  Oh!  You guys!  Do you think maybe Whitney is secretly in love with Cameran and that’s why she gets what I call the Angel Edit?  Because isn’t he a producer on this show and was the one to pitch the whole thing?  I bet he is.  I bet he’s like Andrew Lincoln’s shitty character in Love Actually who is secretly in love with Keira Knightley who is married to his best friend.

#NewCraig stupidly invites Kathryn over to his house before the dinner party that she’s not invited to because that’s what the producers wanted he’s Kat’s only friend and couldn’t say no.  #NewCraig and Naomie are obviously dressed to go out when Kathryn arrives and Naomie is given the unenviable task of telling Kathryn about Cameran’s dinner party.  It goes over better than we all probably expected but I chock that up to Kathryn’s pregnancy sobriety making her go to emotion Sadness instead of Anger.

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In a talking head, #NewCraig points out the hypocrisy of the group maintaining friendships with Thomas but alienating Kathryn, which I agree with to a point.  Thomas has a longer history with these people, doesn’t he?  In all relationship break ups, the friends usually get divvied up and the one with the longer-standing history with the group usually makes out better than the one who doesnt.  Craig promises to bring up Kathryn to the group, which I’m sure will go over really well.

The usual suspects are at the dinner party, plus Cameran’s friend Chelsea (who Shep has of course slept with before, much to Landon’s chagrin) and Danni who seriously looks like an even thinner Mena Suvari.  Everyone is impressed with the spread at Cameran’s house and the conversation is pleasant enough when it’s just talk of engagements and rings and how long one should wait before popping the question.  Oh, and in case you were wondering, Invisible Husband Jason is not at the dinner.  Cameran, who ranted on and on all episode about not giving Jason a baby, but cooking dinner instead, says that the man is “on call”.  But we all know it’s that he just doesn’t want anything to do with this mess.  I kinda don’t think it’s fair that Cameran doesn’t have to share her personal life but the rest of them do.

#NewCraig asks the table why Thomas and Kathryn weren’t invited but there’s only three minutes left of this otherwise boring episode and that’s really not enough time for a good dinner party blow up.  Cameran says that she doesn’t ever know where Kathryn and Thomas stand and in an attempt to avoid drama in her house, she chose to invite neither (for real life, I agree but for reality tv, I’m furiously disappointed).  #NewCraig relays the message that Kathryn would like to make amends and the rest of the table rolls their eyes and says that Kat ought to be focused on her children instead of her friendships.  Fuck.  That.  I think it is so incredibly insulting to tell a woman to forget about her own life and focus solely on her children.  Mothers are people too.  I do agree with Shep though that it’s pretty pointless for #NewCraig to try to campaign for Kat over a prime rib dinner with most of her worst enemies also at the table.

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Patricia snits that any time Kathryn has been invited to a party, she’s caused a scene.  Okay, sure, but haven’t most of those incidents stemmed from confrontations with Thomas?  And I would think a sober Kathryn would be a much better party guest than a perpetually hammered T-Rav.  #NewCraig tries again to publically support Kathryn but it falls even flatter the second time around.  I do agree with Patricia that Kathryn needs to fight her own battles on this one and frankly, #NewCraig just got back in good with the group so he probably isn’t the best ambassador anyhow.

Let’s face it.  This episode felt tame and lame because at no time were Thomas and Kathryn in the same room with each other.  Those two are the reason why we’re all here, and I blame Cameran for robbing us of a potentially explosive dinner party.  Actually, I’ve decided to blame Cameran for everything that has annoyed me this week.  Including my boss coming back into town and tripling my work load here at the office.  Thanks a lot, Cameran.  Jerk.

Recap Written by Liz 

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