Aaaaaand we’re back.  When last we left our delusional (minus Chelsea who really seems to have her shit together which I greatly credit to Randy) heroes:

Jenelle wanted to take Babs to court but no judge in his right mind would grant Jenelle full custody of a pet rock, much less her oldest son.  Jenelle and underwear model/marine/total douchebag Nathan got engaged last season and then promptly broke up and repeatedly pressed charges against each other.

Leah had pretty much the worst year ever of any teen mom in the series.  Jeremy filed for and was granted a divorce from her, she went to rehab therapy- only to return home immediately out of fear that Corey would try to take full custody (which we now know he was later granted), and then back again to definitely rehab, for like, a serious drug problem therapy.

Chelsea had the brief annoyance of Adam trying to get 50/50 custody, only for him to be denied that AND be taken to jail the day of the court hearing for failure to pay child support- it was pretty awesome, actually.  We got to meet Chelsea’s boyfriend (now fiance) Cole who is hands down the best looking and nicest guy to ever grace the Teen Mom stage, and the two of them moved in together and got a pig.  I remember this time from last year as the months where I was begging my boyfriend to let us get a pig.  He said he likes bacon way too much to ever get one, and he has a point.

Kailyn and Javi started the season last year in an incredibly rocky place but seemed to pull it together in the end and most of Kail’s storyline revolved around Joe and their child support arrangement.  Also- Joe moved from New Jersey (i think?) to Delaware (i think?) to be closer to Issac and his girlfriend Vee got pregnant and moved with him.

Whew.  Now that we are all caught up, let’s get dive into this episode.

During the off season, Jenelle got arrested for assault, graduated from school, moved to North Carolina and Jace stays at her house every other weekend.  She and Nathan are happily and maturely coparenting Kaiser.  Ha ha, no.  Just kidding.  They are still a disaster and since they don’t have a set custody plan, are fighting often.  We catch up with Jenelle at her friend Jamie’s house and we hear about the fight that led to Jenelle’s arrest.  Apparently, Nathan showed up to Jenelle’s house with his new girlfriend in the truck and Jenelle tried to throw water on the new GF but the cup hit her- which is still technically assault even if just the water had hit the girl.  I know that because I once looked up if throwing a beer in someone’s face is illegal during a period of my life where that was the signature drunk move of a good friend of mine (who is now a loving and responsibly mother, by the way).


Jenelle is keeping Kaiser from seeing Nathan because of this girl and also because of her claim that he just puts Kaiser in daycare anyway when he has him.  Nathan conveniently calls (read: obvious producer set up) as the girls are talking to ask when he can see his son.  Nathan admits that if he were to have Kaiser this week, Kaiser would be spending the day in daycare while Nathan is at school.  That’s enough to set Jenelle off and she refuses to let Nathan have their son.  Nathan, as is his wont, starts insulting Jenelle and saying she can’t get a job because she’s a felon.  They quibble for a bit about the true severity of Jenelle’s crimes and then she hangs up on him.  Good work everyone!  And this is why you should have to pass a series of tests and get a license if you want to procreate.

Over at Casa de DecentHumanBeings, Chelsea lets us know that while Aubree sees Adam regularly at his parent’s house, he is now trying to get unsupervised visits.  I dunno.  Adam is a disaster with a long history of making bad decisions, not to mention car accidents and drug/alcohol abuse.  I have no idea how long it would take for me to be comfortable with letting my kid be unsupervised with someone like that.  Even if it’s his father and even if he’s been better lately, when would you ever feel safe enough to leave your kid with him?  Aubree’s 6th birthday is coming up soon and she will be starting kindergarten soon.  So far, Chelsea and Cole haven’t started up their insufferable baby talk thing yet.  Let’s keep it up, guys!  Just remember, you’re Adults!!!

We jump right into the shit show that is Leah’s life where she tells us how hard it is to raise three girls.  Leah and Jeremy are getting along fine and are coparenting pretty well.  I’d guess it’s an easier arrangement since Jeremy was usually out of town during the week anyway so he actually needs Leah to have full custody as he can’t keep Addie with him full time.


The twins, Ali and Aleeah, are enrolled in a kindergarten that is close to Corey’s house, but 45 minutes away from Leah’s house.  My guess on this is that Corey and Miranda own their home so it’s a permanent address, but Leah is basically a drifter and the girls would be changing schools constantly if they used her address. It makes a lot of sense, especially if you are Corey and want full custody because there is no way in hell Leah is going to get the girls to school on time with that kind of commute and her history of sleeping in.  I have zero respect for this shit because I don’t care how little of a “morning person” you are, you get your kids to school on time.   Leah doesn’t have lunch food for the girls and doesn’t even leave her house until 6:45am, when the girls school starts at 7:15am.  Also, we see Leah texting while driving.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.


Kailyn never did take Joe to court for child support but they are getting along much better.  Javi and Kail don’t see each other that often due to their busy schedules but we see them catch up in Lincoln’s room and they immediately start to bicker- right in front of their kid, and I don’t care how young he is, kids are sponges and parents need to changes rooms if they are going to argue.  This whole thing, by the way folks, is what happens when you marry someone for their future military pension after knowing them for 6 months.


Javi makes a big stink about not caring if Kail and Joe are getting along for the sake of Issac and says that he and Joe have nothing in common and have no reason to talk to each other.  But didn’t Javi help Joe move into his new house last season?  I thought they were much friendlier than this.  Although I guess not everyone can have the kind of bromance that Corey and Jeremy have (they are my forever couple, btw).  Side note- Kailyn looks really pretty (and thin) when she’s all stripped down and casual.

Chelsea and her friend (also named Chelsea, here by known as FriendChelsea) help Aubree get up for her first day of school.  Aubree is in no mood and I don’t get it because I was the type of kid who was up at the crack of dawn for the first day of school.  I also desperately want a black jeep like Chelsea has, so if any reader feels exceptionally benevolent, hit me up and I will give you my preferences for interior materials.  Chelsea tells FriendChelsea that Adam is supposed to come to Aubree’s first day and she thinks he probably will, but she won’t applaud him for doing basic dad stuff.


Jenelle skypes with her lawyer Amy (who probably secretly thanks Jenelle for funding the second wing of her house) to make sure that Nathan’s threats about upgrading the charges against her from a misdemeanor to a felony don’t have any weight behind them.  LawyerAmy tells Jenelle that she would have had to actually beat Nathan’s girlfriend and inflicted “organ damage” for it to be a felony.  With the charges as they stand, Jenelle is looking at 30 days in jail.  Jenelle is in the car with some rando friend (I refuse to rewind my dvr to find out her name) and Jenelle bitches about having a violent offense on her record and how now she won’t be able to get a job.

We meet up with Issac at Vee and Jo’s house.  Vee calls “birth” “birf” and I’ve decided to excuse it as a pregnancy thing, and not a poor grasp of the English language thing.  Jo and Vee seem to think that they will also be in the family photos, but that’s not how Kailyn made it seem earlier… maybe I didn’t understand that correctly?  Issac is adorably excited about Vee’s baby (his sister).  Joe and Vee bitch about Javi not being as friendly or “on board” as the rest of them in regards to their family dynamic.

Leah says that it wasnt easy, but she got the girls to school on time.  No, no she didn’t; unless she was speeding the whole time, or didn’t by them food for lunch, or maybe she thinks that “on time” has a 30 minute buffer.  Leah’s cousin Chastity asks why the girls go to school so far away and Leah says its because Corey wanted them closer to him.  Um, no.  It’s because Corey has the permanent address and Leah is a garbage person.  Leah whines about how haaaaaard it is to get up early and I want to punch her in the face.  Also, while she is bitching about how Corey is trying to take away her kids, she HANDS ADDIE AN OPEN PACK OF RAW SUGAR TO EAT.


Leah talks about Ali’s health issues, but I don’t hear any of it because I’m too busy watching Addie eat a pack of sweet&low after her raw sugar, which my boyfriend says is better because sweet&low has less calories. He also says that children are both sweet and low to the ground, so that’s just target marketing.  He’s a really great father, you guys.


Leah is very worried about Corey getting full custody and she should be worried because a- he eventually does get full custody, and b- she’s a terrible mother.


Adam showed up to Aubree’s first day of school, so three cheers for basic responsibility!  Chelsea’s pig knows how to give kisses on command and I turn and look at The Boyfriend with longing want in my eyes and he just shakes his head and makes a sound that I’m guessing is supposed to be bacon frying in a pan.  Anyhow, Adam wants to get together to talk about visitation.  Chelsea feels like kindergarten in general is a big adjustment and they shouldn’t change things too much on Aubree just yet.  But mostly, Chelsea will never ever trust Adam and she has full control right now, so why would she change anything?


So this is semi exciting- we meed Nathan’s new girlfriend, Jessi, who is one of those girls who thinks gray hair, or gray streaks in your hair is cool.  After they both humble brag about what kind of workouts they want to go do at the gym, Nathan bitches about how Jenelle is keeping Kaiser from him and how poor Jessi got a cut or welt or something on her head from the altercation with Jenelle.  These two cum buckets have decided that Kaiser would be better with them and Jessi says that if her case against Jenelle can help Nathan with getting full custody, then she’s happy to help.  Does Bab’s have more room at her house?  Because that’s the best case scenario for all of these kids…


Over at Corey’s, Miranda is Fully Pregnant.  Corey asks her to come with him to Ali’s doctor’s appointment and he also talks about how Leah is still not getting the girls to school on time, even after the court hearing they had.  I don’t get it.  If the custody of your kids is on the line, how do you not wake up at 4am every morning, make some bomb-ass sack lunches and get those girls to school 30 minutes early every day, ESPECIALLY when you DON’T EVEN WORK.  On the way to Ali’s appointment, Leah has some family members in the car who try to convince her to stand up for herself more with Corey and Miranda.  Whatever.  Leah is the worst.  I know I should be more caring, but I have little patience for the high functioning mentally ill when it comes to their involvement with children.

Okay so we meet up with Kailyn she definitely implies that the family photos do not involve Joe and Vee, but they seem fine to be sitting on the sidelines.  Javi “couldn’t make it” but the rest of the group seems to get along just fine.  They all go out for food after and Kail invites Javi via text but then has Issac call Javi to invite him to come to dinner.  This starts a shit storm where Javi bitches about being too much in pain from “moving around a lot” to go to dinner and demands that Kail drop off Lincoln so that he can “at least hang out with one of his kids”.  Kail hangs up on him and I don’t blame her.

At Adam’s house, he and his creepy friend Justin are hanging out.  Adam is COVERED in skull tattoos.  Look, I like tattoos, and I even have a few regrettable ones myself, but Adam’s whole thing is a bit much.  The boyfriend calls it “douchebag chic”.  Adam swears that he isn’t going to fuck up again, but he just has to wait for Chelsea to believe it.


Aubree is adorable and earned a blueberry scented bracelet for being good and she even made another friend, also named Aubree (although maybe her friend spells it like a normal person).

Jenelle is bummed out because Kaiser is sick and so she didn’t get to hang out with Jace as much because she was, you know, taking care of her sick child.  Babs comes by to pick up Jace and Jenelle looks like she got her lips done, or maybe she got punched in the face and really, either circumstance is completely likely.  Babs ask how Kaiser is- LIKE A BITCH.  Just kidding, but Jenelle asks like that’s the case and whines about how Kaiser has been up since 6am, which, um, yeah.  Babies wake up around 6am, so whatever.

Look, Babs likes to yell, and I don’t applaud her for it, but she has been nothing but nice and Jenelle has the nerve to say “you just come up here to argue” and it’s like, uh, no bitch.  She just came up there to pick up YOUR SON, who she has full custody of because you’re such a fuck up, so maybe lay off with the garbage mouth.  But then, Jenelle wouldn’t be Jenelle if she wasn’t being horrible.

Kailyn, Vee, Joe, and all the kids (inside and out), head to a Korean BBQ and Sushi fusion joint (so you just know it’s good), and Kail is bummed that Javi refuses to join them.  I applaud Joe and Kailyn (and Vee) for trying to make it work, but I don’t agree with Kailyn talking shit about Javi in front of Joe and Vee.  Kail and Javi stopped therapy, and good for them because when has therapy ever helped a failing marriage?  Better to handle these things with strong glares and under the breath mutterings.


Joe wants to talk to Javi about everything and while Kail fears that it could make it worse, I’m with Joe on this one.  A- I don’t think it actually could get worse.  And B- i kinda think Javi is a pussy, so I my theory is that if Joe comes to him man to man, and respectfully asks that they try to work it out for the sake of the kids, I don’t think Javi will puff up and try to make trouble.  Plus, bI’m all for adults acting like adults and working their shit out.


Leah takes Ali to the hospital where Miranda and Corey are waiting.  Dr. Tsao meets with Corey and Leah and talks to them about Ali’s falling problem.  The doctor tells them that at age seven she will start to get weaker and weaker.


Fuck.  That’s horrible.  I always used to feel for Corey and Leah about Ali’s condition, but I’m a parent now and its completely horrifying to me. To have a ticking time bomb of sadness like that?  That said, I still want those girls with Corey and Miranda full time.


Recap Written by Liz