YOU GUYS! It’s the PumpRules Finale! And all we have to show for it is Tom2Kat’s engagement party? Lamesauce. I have my fingers crossed that we will have some good reunion drama but ultimately this season has been pretty tame (aka not enough Stassi or Kristen)…
To start things off, Jax returns home from a quick 24 hour trip to the Aloha state and Brittany is doing dishes because she knew he’d be “mad if they weren’t ready”. We learn that Jax is a neat freak, which is sort of surprising, but I guess his apartment has always looked pretty neat when we’ve seen it. So then Jax goes on a tear about how miserable he is in their apartment and how it’s Brittany’s job to find them a new one and he hates the construction next door and the closet is a mess and and and and JAX MAD.
Look, I’m actually a bit hesitant to rip on Jax too much here because living in a studio apartment with your significant other for any length of time can be extremely trying. My boyfriend and I have been together for years, are happily raise an infant, and basically only hang out with each other in a hermit-like existence, but we have multiple rooms in our house (and I don’t just mean a bathroom and other); if we were in a studio, we’d probably be at each other’s throats. I will say that it seems a little messed up to put the full responsibility of finding a new place on Brittany’s shoulders. So much of house hunting is knowing what neighborhoods you like and don’t like, and Kentucky-Fried BoobJob is new in town. But if Jax gave her a list of acceptable neighborhoods to filter through on Craigslist, then there is no reason why she couldn’t bring him a list of potential places, because having a boob job does not prevent a person from surfing the internet.
Stassi is finally moving into her new apartment and while I will actually miss The Adventures of Squatter Stassi and her Drunken Maid, I’m excited for Stassi because I’m also moving to a new place soon and I love the feeling of new beginnings with homes (someone send me yellow flowers on the 29th, please).
Kristen comes over to christen the place with some bubbly that she promptly spills on the floor. Way to make your mark, K-funk. Kristen tells us that she feels like she’s got her best friend back, which is kind of sweet. Stassi is excited about living alone and she should be. Living alone KICKS ASS. Part of my pregnancy anxiety was the revelation that I will never live alone again. For the record, I couldn’t ask for a better housemate in my boyfriend, but there is something so satisfying about coming home to your house looking the exact same way you left it. For any and all of you out there reading, if you have never lived alone, DO IT. Even if it’s just for a year, because learning to be alone with yourself is the first step in learning how to really be with someone else. (This has been your weekly installment of “Life Lessons by Liz”)
Back over at The House of Small Closets and Short Tempers, Jax loses all of the remaining good will I had for him by ranting about how he just “can’t get away from [Brittany]” and how “this is a relationship” and he’s “supposed to get something out of it too”, which of course Britt-Britt balks at. She reminds him that she uprooted her whole life for him and that he asked for this. Jax continues on his failed quest to win Boyfriend of the Year by saying that when he was in jail, he was the most at peace he’s been all year. Jax is acting like all of this is Brittany’s fault when she’s only been in the picture at most 3 months. Poor, sweet, stupid, Brittany. It’s true that she is getting a lot out of this relationship- new boobs, fame, etc. But she is absolutely paying for it by playing the role of “Mrs. Jax”.
Over at SUR (I love it when we are reminded that these kids all still have “jobs”), James tells Tom1 and Ariana that he has been talking to Kristen again and for some reason, almost as if they don’t know how much of a garbage person James is, they are shocked to hear it. James admits that while he and Kristen “got emotional” (read: definitely boning on the top of her car), he also still likes Lala, so really, it all depends on which girl is the most agreeable to his whiskey dick.
In the ladies room, Scheana is playing seamstress to Lala who tells us that she is very nervous about going to Tom2Kat’s engagement party since she and Katie haven’t exactly had the best relationship thus far. Scheana (correctly, for once) advises Lala to dress like she would if she were meeting someone’s grandmother for the first time. Scheana is more worried about Ariana being there, which is shenanigans. Ariana does not makes scenes. It’s not her thing. The worst we’ve seen out of her was that blow up at the beach and even then, it’s not like she was yelling, and for the most part- she wasn’t the one who started it. The only trouble Scheana will have with Ariana will be if Scheana decides to Have A Talk with her, which would be wildly inappropriate to do at an engagement party. But then again, #Bravo.
Also- James apparently told Lala about Kristen calling her a “ratchet whore”, because of course he did. Lala cops to the “ratchet” part, but is miffed by being called a whore. Fair enough! Because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Lala who was definitely boning her ex in a parking garage while her boyfriend was upstairs. Also- I HATE the term “ratchet”. Unless you are talking about a socket wrench. Because ratchet = socket wrench.
Jax shows up for work and Tom1 & Ariana are not surprised that he got zero jail time for his sunglass hut theft. Oh yeah, by the way, Jax only has to do probation and then it won’t even end up on his record. Tell me again how white privilege doesn’t exist?
LVP shows up and gently ribs Jax for his lack of jail time as well as his dismissive behavior. Jax is still living in a studio apartment with a messy closet, so he is in no mood and gets pretty rude with her. Unacceptable. It is always unacceptable to get shitty with LVP who says that “although Jax is getting older, he’s not actually growing up”, and she also tells Jax to get out of her face and i love it.
Tom2 and Katie are at Villa Rosa setting up for their engagement party, and while I think it was kind of crappy for Katie to not care that two of her friends were blacklisted from this event, I’d literally throw my own mother under the bus just to hang out at LVP’s house, so I get it. Katie didn’t bother to think of umbrellas, which is kinda dumb, but this summer in California was unseasonably hot. Even in the Bay Area which usually has pretty mild weather, it was a nightmare. LVP pretends to be annoyed (you know deep down she is loving it) and offers up her poolside umbrellas.
Over at Casa de FuckingAwesomeFriend, Tom1 and Ariana are getting ready for the party. There is extra pressure on both of them because Tom1 will be performing his song, “touch in public” (which, by the way, has seriously grown on me), at the SUR after-party, and Ariana rightly figures that Scheana is going to confront her and try to discuss their issues. Ariana tells us that she just doesnt know the person that Scheana has become now, and I believe it. I feel like Ariana has probably always been this bitchy sarcastic person, but that in Scheana’s attempted rise to power, she has changed.
Kristen and Stassi are getting ready to crash Tom2Kat’s engagement party and Stassi is nervous, because she is still sort of a decent human being. And I quote,
“The only thing…that is holding me back right now is that I have self respect and dignity. Thank god for Kristen, who is unburdened by those anchors”
Kristen is just excited about crashing, which I get, because crashing is a huge rush. She asks how Stassi is going to handle seeing Jax and she has no idea. Jax, on the other hand, seems pretty calm about it. He has had three girlfriends since Stassi and is confident that he has moved out from underneath her thumb.
At the Tom2Kat engagement party, Tom2 has really embraced the Linen & Lace theme by wearing a candy necklace. I fucking love Tom2. I hope he has the strength to come out someday. Both Tom2 and Katie’s moms are there, as well as Katie’s brothers, and its always fun when you meet the Real People behind the Reality Star. Also? Tom2 has TRIPLET brothers. I have no idea what this says about his psychological make up but that has to have an impact on a person. Both Tom2 and Katie’s dads were not able to attend due to a fear of flying and work schedule respectively.
Lala and Faith show up and Lala admits to us that she is already 3 sheets to the wind, having consumed roughly 14 mimosas and a “few” shots of vodka. Lala clearly did not take Scheana’s advice on apparel and is wearing a low-cut mini dress and Faith is dressed like a Bollywood Morticia Addams.
LVP takes a minute to bond with Tom and Katie’s moms and Katie’s grandmother who says that she judges a man based on how he treats his mother, and Tom is a wonderful son. It’s a short scene, but a sweet one.
Stassi and Kristen show up and Stass applauds Kristen’s total lack of shame in a talking head. Stassi is basically terrified, but she’s not a season regular, which means she is paid by the scene, which means there was no way she was going to miss this. How else would she pay for an apartment with sky blue walls and crown molding?!
(side note- Jax sees Stassi and goes “damn, she looks good.” secretly? those two are my forever couple and I really want them to work it out someday)
Katie is thrilled that Stassi and Kristen crashed, and it’s not like LVP actually kicks them out, so ultimately it was the right move. Katie introduces Stassi to Brittany and Stassi couldn’t be nicer. She gushes about how she’s only heard nice things and that Jax has great taste in girls, but then talking heads that she sees no similarities between the two of them, which is true. Other than large boobs (both paid for, but only one paid for by Jax), there is little cross over in personality.
Kristen and James bond over the PumpSessions cd (that he kept working on, even though LVP pulled the plug- which was the right move), and Kristen says she is really proud of him. Lala and her poor choice of hairstyle watch from the wings and Lala talking heads about how much she hates Kristen. This, is new. For most of the season, Lala has remained neutral on Kristen and even encouraged James to talk with her and “take a bitch to dinner” so I’m not really sure where this shittiness is coming from. Oh yeah, 16 mimosas and a few shots.
LVP gets up and gives a short speech and asks if anyone else wants to talk. Kristen jumps at the opportunity, which actually makes sense since she was the one who introduced Tom2 and Katie. Unfortunately, Kristen is drunk, and Kristen is Kristen, so the speech went on way too long and Lala, who is also drunk, yells out “can we wrap this up?” This is such a Sophie’s Choice for me because I love them both. Katie, however, is Team OG Three Amigos and tells Lala to go be rude somewhere else.
Luckily enough, the entire party is now moving to SUR, where James lets us know that for him, sobriety does not include marijuana. I didn’t realize that Scheana was acting as sober coach to more than just her husband.
Speaking of Scheana, she decides to pull Ariana aside and I’m fine with it since it’s not actually at Villa Rosa and this is the season finale. Scheana asks if Ariana even wants to be friends with her, to which Ariana responds that that depends. Ariana, correctly, calls Scheana out for going behind her back and talking shit. Scheana says that she doesnt feel like she did- CUE VIDEO REEL OF SCHEANA TALKING SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE SCHEANA IS THE WORST. Ariana says that Scheana has this overwhelming desire to be popular and friends with everybody but is dismissive of Ariana’s opinion. And really, it’s one thing for Scheana to claim to be besties with Ariana and then still hang out with Kristen, but it’s insane that Scheana was pissy about Ariana NOT wanting to hang out with the girl who tried so hard to ruin her life last year.
Scheana whines that the Katie, Kristen, Stassi team is back together and now she feels like the odd man out. She apologizes and Ariana accepts but I still hate Scheana, so whatever. I still say, that since Scheana has not once bothered to acknowledge that she was sucky to Arian, she doesn’t deserve her friendship. I don’t think Scheana did anything that was unforgivable, but I strongly believe that you can’t move on as friends if you don’t take responsibility for your shitty actions.
And now, for the battle of the drunk bitches; in which James shouts out “babe” indiscriminately and Lala and Kristen clap in each other’s faces. This is all happening because two women are getting territorial over a tiny British weasel.
Lala decides to say “fuck it” to a second season and shoves Kristen. Huge mistake. Kristen knew exactly what she was doing (because Kristen is the professional) and she egged Lala on until she snapped. Even though Kristen has gone through the ringer with most of these people, Lala is still too new here to really garner support to her side. Stassi tries to advise her to apologize but Lala has had waaaay too many drinks and is far too green with reality tv to know whats good for her.
Anyhoo- the group all sits down in the garden to hear Tom’s band perform Touch In Public, and Lala is sitting on James’ lap so she “wins”. Kristen whines that James went on and on about wanting to get back with her but has now shown his true colors. This whole thing is like watching a ferret and a stout fight over a dead weasel.
The boys (Tom1 and his bandmate Issac), start their show and LVP looks delightfully confused and asks if this is a comedy act. The whole group seems to get really into it, gets up and dances, and even Jax has to admit that it seems like a fun song (it is!), that maybe all that money wasn’t wasted (well…), but that he won’t see any of that money back (most definitely).
James, who has apparently had 4 brownies and smoked two joints (umm, no he hasnt), keeps denying that he is wasted because he has had nothing to drink. He tells Kristina Kelly (Anonymous Stassi Minion #1) to fuck off and Jax suddenly becomes a champion of women’s rights and tells James that he can’t talk to the ladies in that manner. James is basically trying to antagonize Jax as much as possible because Jax is on probation and so he can’t do anything in return. You know, like a fucking coward. (side note, we see Tom2 try to break things up and he has clearly eaten a majority of his candy necklace and I obviously love that). Anyhow, James feels very powerful with Jax being on probation and also that LVP is there? I’m not totally sure why he thinks thats a big win for him, but okay.
Sadly for my girl Lala, she is drunk enough to feel like James leaving with her is a win. No, no honey, that is no win. Jax tries to act cute and say he didn’t mean for any of this to happen and LVP correctly snarks that he created it. LVP proves why she is my BFF and says that Jax and Stassi are perfect for each other. Jax, of course, doesnt realize that this is a major insult coming from LVP, and says that he will always have a soft spot for Stassi.
And so, Jax decides to sit down and break the ice with the Ice Queen. And then he HILARIOUSLY refers to their past relationship as “healthy”. Stassi makes a series of awesome faces. Stassi is surprised that Jax is so agreeable to her, and my boyfriend is surprised that her lips are so big because the last time he watched this show, Stassi had normal lips. “Why did she do that? They looked fine!” -the boyfriend.
Stassi gets vulnerable with Jax and says that the both of them started this whole group; Jax agrees. Something that Jax and Stassi do not agree on- Stass reminds Jax that he cheated on her constantly and Jax says “you were hard on me too.” And then everything sort of goes to hell. Stassi reminds him that he sort of shit all over her for a long time and when Jax realizes that things aren’t nicey-nicey anymore and gets defensive and tells Stassi that she is being disruptive and asks how she could just show up someplace where she wasn’t wanted. Stassi tells Jax to just say what he means, and he says (what we all know to be true) that when things didn’t work out with her boyfriend, she realized that she had lost all of her friends so she decided to try to crawl back in. Yup. That’s true. But Jax is only still part of this group because he has clung onto it for dear life, so I’m not sure that he is in the best position to talk.
Things get nice again, sort of, and Stassi tells Jax to not fuck shit up with Brittany, which causes Jax to realize that he’s been a real dick to miss southern charm. Good.
Katie is still standoffish and nervous about being friends with Stassi but I think it’s all for the cameras. I think Katie is DYING to be friends with Stassi again. All minions need a leader, and Scheana is the worst, soooooo.
Tom pretends like he and Katie are going to have sex when they get home, but I think we all know better.
And that’s a wrap! Even though Scheana is THE WORST- I’m always bummed when a season of PumpRules is over. But I’m sure that like me, you can’t wait for the reunion shows. WOOT WOOT!
Recap Written by Liz