First things first- I need to believe that LVP had already offered her house, or it’s some sort of bravo contractual agreement or something, because otherwise I’m floored with how rudely Katie asked to use Villa Rosa for her engagement party. She just bombards LVP, while they are both at work at SUR, AND- Katie’s already sent out save-the-date type invitations without discussing anything with Lisa yet. I also think that ultimately, Katie did not want Kristen or Stassi to really come. Because if she did, she would have arranged for the party to be somewhere else, but this way, LVP gets to look like the bad guy, and Katie can just sweetly shrug and say she “tried’.
Ariana and Tom1 arrive at “Gregory Dylan Beauty” and are met by Gregory himself who poor them champagne and get to work on making Tom1 beautiful for his big music video debut. Tom1 tells us that he has spent 9k+ on this video. Yikes.
Kristen and James meet up for dinner because James has been blowing up K-funk’s phone and she “finally gave in”, although Kristen is pretty addicted to screen time and drama so I can’t imagine it took her too terribly long to set this up. She’s also excited about drinking in front of sober-for-a-week James. James talking heads that he really misses Kristen and regrets every bad word he ever said to her. James keeps telling Kristen that she broke his heart, but she doesn’t buy it and whines that she was sooo good to him. I think James couldn’t get it in with Lala and that’s why he has run back to Kristen. James also spins his whiskey-dick situation by saying that Lala couldn’t even get him hard, and he wasn’t interested. Bull. He also tries to pretend like he DID tell Kristen that he and Jenna were “definitely boning”, when we all know that he definitely did not. Kristen cries and leaves the table. These two are soooo toxic for each other.
Stassi and Kristen meet up at the warehouse where Kristen’s unbelievably generic t-shirt line is being created. Kristen’s boyfriend Carter has invited everyone to a bar on the West side that has turtle races, which is the most hipster thing I’ve heard all week. Stassi hopes that Katie will come because she feels like although a lot of progress has been made with their friendship, they seem to be stalled out a bit.
Speaking of Carter (lover of turtle races and also Kristen’s boyfriend), remember how Kristen wigged out about James sleeping with Jenna? Welp, it turns out K-dog and James fucked on top of her car in the parking garage of her apartment. Gross. These two deserve each other. Kristen needs to stop referring to herself as a “catch”, unless she means someone who is mostly likely to catch an STD.
Lala scolds James for this behavior when he tells her about it. She tells him to focus on getting his job back and leave Kristen out of it, but sadly her motivation for spewing this wisdom is jealously. No, Lala, NO. James is gross and you are awesome.
Katie has completely blown the budget for their engagement party out of the water. Tom2 just wanted tacos to be served because they are delicious, and everybody loves tacos (I love Tom2). Scheana agrees that Katie can’t invited Stassi and Kristen to the party if LVP doesn’t want them there, but the girls go too far in insinuating that Ariana should also be disinvited. Regardless of how Scheana and Katie feel, Ariana is the girlfriend of Tom2’s best friend and that alone gets her an invite.
Jax meets up with LVP during a break at work to beg for Saturday night off so that he can fly to Hawaii and go to court. LVP asks if Jax could possibly sent to jail (you know, like a normal person would be), and of course we all know now that he won’t be. I guarantee that if this were an unknown normal person with the type of criminal record that Jax has, they would be sent to jail. LVP scolds Jax and asks if he has really learned his lesson. Jax says that even though he does sometimes act like he’s “untouchable”, he feels real remorse about what happened. I’m not so sure.
Over at the Turtle Races, Stassi tells Scheana that she is trying to be assertive, but not aggressive about rekindling her friendship with Katie. Tom2Kat show up and Katie talking heads that she has noticed a real change in Stassi’s behavior. Oh here’s a fun fact- Kristen’s new boyfriend Carter had a one-night-stand with Katie years ago. Remember how Kristen wigged out in season 2 about that girl at the modeling shoot who had slept with Tom1 before they got together? This is yet another example of Kristen’s passionate dedication to hypocrisy. Tom2 doesn’t care about any of this because he isn’t really in love with Katie so it doesn’t matter is progressive.
Kristen wants to bitch that her boyfriend brought them to a dive bar to watch turtles race, but admits that since she fucked James, she can’t complain. Because those two things are equal. Kristen and Stassi are mad that they’ve been banned from the engagement party. Banning Kristen makes sense because Kristen is a loose cannon who likes to stir shit up when she’s been drinking, but Stassi, for the most part, is an adult who knows how to conduct herself in public.
Brittany’s new boobs look great. She and Jax go out to dinner and she starts to tease him a little about his arrest and we see a flash of Scary Jax. For no good reason other than he is mean, Jax decides to use Tom2Kat’s engagement party, as an excuse to tell Brittany that he isn’t into marriage. To Brittany’s credit, she doesn’t back down and tells him what she expects for her future. To Brittany’s discredit, she uses Scheana and Shay as an example of a “happy marriage”.
Jax and Tom2 go to the golf range and in classic Jax fashion, he completely spins his dinner with Brittany around to make it seem like she “bombarded” him with the marriage topic. Um, no. You brought it up, homie. Tom2 jokes in a talking head that how dare Brittany bring up the possibility of marriage someday after Jax flies her out to LA, has her move in, buys her boobs, and tells her he loves her. Again, I say, I love Tom2.
Tom2 tells Jax that he is going to be helping Tom1 with the music video and you would think that Tom1’s band murdered Jax’s father in front of him or something with the way Jax acts every time it gets mentioned. Tom2 also relays the news that Kristen and Stassi have been banned from the engagement party and Jax is admittedly nervous to see Stassi anyhow as it’s been a long time since they last saw each other (last year’s reunion?). Tom2 asks if Brittany is nervous about Stassi being back around, but Jax says that Britt knows everything and isn’t worried.
At the video shoot, Tom1 is freaking out about the money he’s spent and how this is the first impression that people will be getting of his band. Tom2 is mostly just excited about the legit craft services table that Tom1 hired. Tom2 is there to “help”, and is fine with not getting paid since he isn’t actually doing anything other than check twitter.
I agree with fellow recapper Kerry that Lala looks awesome in the video. Most of the people involved are not being paid and Tom1 specifically didn’t ask Scheana to be in it because he has no time to talk about feelings with her. And also because Scheana is the worst. Tom2 briefly talks to Ariana about the drama between the girls and he talking heads that while Tom1 and Ariana may not do themselves any favors, that they are definitely being unfairly villainized. Tom2 has been the voice of reason this entire season and I love it. All in all, the photo shoot looks fun and while I don’t love Tom1’s voice, the video and song are catchy.
Tom2 comes over to Villa Rosa to discuss the engagement party with LVP and he promptly causes a ruckus and accidently lets the mini horses (Tom2 is adorably scared of horses, btw) into the house. The theme of the engagement party is “linen and lace” but Tom2 tells LVP she can where whatever she damn well pleases because a- it’s her house, and b- she’s Lisa; both of which are excellent reasons. LVP is fine with them having a party assuming no one goes into the house and Stassi and Kristen are still banned.
Speaking of, the two ladies in question go apartment shopping because Stassi is concerned about them turning into the Golden Girls. They are looking at a studio that is $2200 a month, and if you think that’s expensive, travel north to my beloved bay area where that same apartment would be going for double in San Francisco.
Kristen says that nothing is going to stand in her way of going to Katie’s engagement party and that LVP should hire guards. And it’s that kind of attitude that gets her banned from places. It reminds me of when my mom would ground me in high school and that only made me run away for a few days until she would feel bad and eventually end up apologizing to me. Sorry, mom. I was a real jerk. Stassi is also down with the party-crashing and mocks LVP, which disappoints me. They aren’t hurting LVP by doing this, they are only hurting Katie. You remember Katie, she’s the one they both want so desperately to be besties with again (although for the life of me, I don’t know why).
At SUR, Jax makes light of his court appearance and Scheana talking heads that he could go to jail (he won’t) and that he should be taking it seriously (true, but again, he won’t). Katie makes it all about her and asks what will happen if he isn’t back in time for her engagement party. Katie also makes a crack to Ariana about hoping she won’t have to pretend too hard to have fun. I second Ariana’s talking head eye roll. Ariana gracefully responds that she’s looking forward to it and that she supports Tom2Kat 100%. Katie was way more likeable when she was Stassi’s minion.
At Casa de Jax and TheBoobsHePaidFor, Jax is packing up his suitcase to get ready for his flight to Hawaii. And then Jax talking heads that while everyone else is concerned about him going to jail in Hawaii, that in fact, he feels like he is in jail in his apartment. Oh, poor Jax…living with a gorgeous girl who puts up with all of his bullshit. Jax tells us that he moved too fast and he doesn’t want Brittany to live with him anymore. Asshole. Stassi has definitely changed, Kristen has maybe sort of changed, but Jax has done literally zero self-improvement and he doesn’t deserve Kentucky-fried Brittany or her DDs.
Recap written by Liz