We start off with three quick scenes that happen at the start of this episode and then story time from Ole Lizzo about her little sister’s mid-nineties crimes against humanity:

  1. Amelia, Lisa Rinna’s daughter, needs a tonsillectomy (aka reality TV’s favorite medical procedure of 2016).
  2. Yolanda and her MyLove have been reunited in the sad downtown condo of sickness and health advocates. Yo is hosting a dinner for the ladies at Wally’s and Andrea Bocelli will be there as a surprise.  I really, really hope someone escorts him out of the building before the housewives get down to business, because lord knows this group can’t just go to dinner.
  3. LVP and Ken have a little pony problem in that the ponies are just running around Villa Rosa all willy-nilly and LVP can only handle one stallion in the bedroom.

Story time- When I was ten and my sister Alex was 5, my mom was trying to get me to quit being a hoarder about my toys which was a problem because I had always believed that my toys were secretly alive and I felt like if I ever got rid of any of them, their feelings would be hurt.  Guess what movie came out that same year?  That’s right, Toy Story.  The movie that only confirmed my beliefs.  At the time, I had roughly 2 million My Little Ponies that I never played with anymore, because I was a bit too old for them, but I didn’t want to give any of them up in case that made them sad.  My mom convinced me to give them to my little sister for Christmas and she went on and on about how happy this would make Alex and how I would be the best big sister ever.  I went along with it because I figured the ponies would still be in the house and they could visit me if they got upset. 

That very same Christmas, our aunt gave Alex a giant set of Polly Pockets and my My Little Pony gift was all but forgotten by Dec. 26th.  Cut to that summer when we are having a garage sale and Alex decides to GET RID OF ALL OF THE MY LITTLE PONIES THAT I HAD GIVEN HER.  I was devastated, but my mom said that they were Alex’s toys now and she got to decide what to do with them.    I recognize that this story has very little to do with RHOBH, other than Ken and Lisa have ponies, but I just want my sister to know, if she is reading this, that I haven’t forgotten what she did and I never will.  #YouSoldMyPonies #NeverForget

Kyle comes to LVP’s house and both of them joke about how excited they are to go to Yolanda’s dinner party.  Kyle says that it will only be worse if they don’t go, but considering the email that Yo sent to her (and cc’d all the other women on), I think it would be perfectly reasonable for her to stay home.  The funny thing about Kyle though, is that she loves to stir shit up from the side and ask inappropriate leading questions and basically light drama fires all over the place and then sit back and watch with the sexual satisfaction of an emotional pyromaniac.  But she does NOT like to be directly involved in the drama and gets herself all worked up when anyone calls her out on her actions. For the record, I’m on Kyle’s side with the whole “everyone got cc’d” email thing but she has stirred up shit all season and is now paying for it.  The good news for Kyle is, so far, LVP is still in her corner.

Yolanda and MyLove are in their car on the way to dinner and Yo makes a few ImmaSickGirl coughs and MyLove suggests that she drink tequila because it’s not like she could “feel any worse”, which is completely in line with my own health strategy.  Alcohol kills germs.  That’s just cold hard science.

At the restaurant, Erika and Kathryn (and also SexyDonnie) are there first and Erika has no idea that Kathryn is a total snake in the grass so Erika talking heads that it’s nice that Kathryn is trying to get to know her and be friends.  Last week, fellow recapper AC had a theory that maybe Kathryn had decided to hitch her wagon to a more established star and that’s why she threw Erika under the bus to LVP.  But here we are at this dinner, and now Kathryn is gossiping about LVP to Erika.  Lady, you are putting your eggs in way too many baskets.

To Yolanda’s credit, I think she had no interest in making this dinner awkward or uncomfortable, but Kyle and LVP immediately bring up their issues under the guise of “let’s get this out of the way”.  Which is bullshit.  Because if they really wanted to get it out of the way and squashed before the dinner, they would have given Yo a call prior to showing up- but chances are, that might not have been filmed.  Anyhow, Yolanda starts to tear up and LVP demands to know why, like they are close friends-which they are not.  Yo just wants to have a nice dinner and isn’t interested in talking about it right now.  I wonder if MyLove said something in the car that we didn’t see.  Again, I’m annoyed that we aren’t getting any of the Yolanda-David divorce stuff but are up to our necks in Lyme-disease awareness.  Side note- Yolanda’s son plays football but she has no idea what position he plays.  Poor Anwar.  You just know that if Gigi played football, Yo would be able to rattle off all her stats at a moment’s notice.

Kathryn at wine bar

OH MY GOD.  So Eileen calls Kathryn over to her side of the table and asks her to repeat to Lisa Rinna what Erika had said about LVP.  Without missing a beat, or realizing that this might not be the best time since Erika is LITERALLY 5 FEET AWAY, Kathryn goes right into it.

lisa talks to erika 2

But it doesn’t matter if Erika can hear her anyway because LVP gets right to it and asks her directly why she said “not to get tangled in [LVP’s] web”.  Let’s quickly remember that Erika never said that, and that those were 100% Kathryn’s words, but yeah, that’s basically what she meant.  Erika, to her credit, doesn’t shy away from the conversation or make excuses and she owns up to what she said.  She’s icy and short with LVP but she’s honest and blunt about why she said what she said.  In talking head she lets us know how she really feels about the situation and more specifically about Kathryn who she calls a “fucking cunt”.  Agreed.

Lisa Rinna asks Kyle if it would be weird for her to send Kim a “happy birthday” text.  Um, yeah.  Mostly because you shouldn’t wish people a happy birthday if you don’t actually mean it.  Rinna and Kim are not friends, they do not care for each other and neither of them would ever wish real happiness on the other, so even though HusbandHarry tells Rinna not to censor herself, in this case she should just let sleeping dogs lie.

Kathryn and Erika are sitting across from each other, which is an excellent and obvious move by production.  Erika sweetly deadpans the following exchange:

Erika: What’d you do today?
Kathryn: Uh, nothing.
Erika: Nice.
Kathryn: I stayed out last night at Vanderpump’s.
Erika: Did ya have fun.
Kathryn: Yeah… It got a little hairy at times.
Erika: Why. What happened.

Kathryn tries to spin her tattle tale situation by directly telling Erika that she told LVP about their conversation and says that she assumed anything they said to one another could be said in front of anyone else.  Erika gives her the “what did that cunt just say?” look and says that no, she assumed they were speaking in confidence and Kathryn says, “well, then that’s on you.”  WHAT.

Here’s the thing.  They are on TV.  There were cameras there at this conversation, so it’s not like Erika could have reasonably expected their talk to remain private, so that part doesn’t bother me.  And yes, Kathryn is technically right that if you don’t want someone to hear something, you shouldn’t say it at all.  But what makes this move SO SHADY was that they had LITERALLY just had a conversation about not running and telling the other women what they were saying and Kathryn gave her whole “true woman friend” speech and I get what Kathryn is trying to do here with giving herself some screen time, but this shit reads so poorly with audiences, or at least with me.

eileen mad

Eileen, who is so desperate for screen time that it’s stinking up my living room, is now apparently mad at Rinna for acting shocked that Ericka would say what she said about LVP.  This whole thing has NOTHING to do with Eileen, but Kim isn’t around to call her a “beast” so she has to make do with what she’s got in terms of screen time and drama.  Lisa Rinna decides that this confrontation now puts her in the middle of a rock and a hard place because she is friends with both women.  OR-she could just shrug it off and say that regardless of how Eileen or Erika may feel, she doesn’t see it that way.  Did I just solve a grown woman’s not very problematic problem?  Yes sir, I did.


So Andrea Bocelli shows up to dinner and makes a mental note to fire his publicist.  He sings a beautiful rendition of Ave Maria which is Kyle’s mother’s favorite song which Kyle has decided to take as a sign that she needs to reach out to Kim.  You know what else is a sign of that?  The fact that it’s Kim’s birthday.  Fortunately, all of the women behave themselves once the legit celebrity is there.

Amelia is on her way to surgery and she is understandably nervous, even though it’s a pretty standard procedure.  Although, that does remind me of Jahi McMath, that 13 year old girl from Oakland who went in for a Tonsillectomy and ended up brain-dead.  Of course, that was because her family stupidly fed her cheese burgers when she wasn’t supposed to have any food, which busted her stitches and caused blood clots and now they are refusing to take her off of life support even though the state of California pronounced Jahi as dead.  The family had to move her to New Jersey because that state has religious exemptions for things like this.  It’s a totally crazy story.  Anyhow, assuming Rinna follows the doctor’s orders about fasting, I’m sure Amelia will be just fine.

Kyle and Portia are cooking and I really like Kyle’s kitchen.  It looks like a real family kitchen.  Plus, I just like white cabinets in general.  Kyle has been playing around on ancestry.com and now she wants to go to Ireland (ME TOOOOOOO). Also, Bambi the golden retriever is an adorable food thief.  But I have to ask, how is it that rich people with access to the best dog trainers in the world can’t fix bad behaviors, and yet I’m broke and my goldie mix is trained to not grab food off the table? Although, Toby is the world’s greatest dog, so the comparison may not be fair.

Yolanda, Eileen, and Erika meet up for a picnic lunch (aka fancy salads eaten on a picnic table outside).  Those three are obviously going to be on one couch at the reunion with LVP, Rinna, and Kyle on the other side, so my question is- where is Kathryn going to go?  I’m guessing with the brunettes because it seems like Eileen and Yolanda agree that comments made among friends are not public knowledge (except for the cameras and national audience), so I’d be surprised if Kathryn makes it onto the Blonde Couch.

LVP commissioned her bestie Mohamed (Yo’s ex, father of Gigi, Bella, and Anwar) to build a house.  For the ponies.  Mohamed is a pretty big deal in the real estate developer world and is known for building luxury hotels and Bel Air mansions, and LVP got him to build a pretty pink pony house.  That’s love and friendship right there.

Speaking of horses, back at the picnic, Eileen has decided to beat the ever living crap out of her dead one and brings up her “issue” with LVP AGAIN.  She says that originally it wasn’t a big deal (it wasn’t) but that it’s become a big deal (because Eileen made it one), and that that was never her intention (No?  Really?  Then why bring it up 4 times?!)  Yolanda feels that she and LVP have never gotten intimate, and that’s probably true because LVP is #TeamMohamed.  This happens in every break up, divorce, etc.  You divvy up the friends.  And LVP was Mohamed’s friend first, so that’s where her ultimate loyalties lie.  She can still be friendly with Yo, because Yo and Mohamed are friendly, but LVP would never ask Yolanda to build her mini horses a house, metaphorically speaking.

Again, Eileen makes trouble where there isn’t any, by bringing up Rinna’s reaction to what Erika said.  Erika thanks her for having her back and Yolanda says that Erika is one of the smartest girls in the group.  I agree.  And here’s the deal- Erika was right.  LVP is calculating and strategic.  It’s what makes her an excellent business woman and probably a pretty interesting friend.  But even if it wasn’t true, everyone is entitled to their opinion.  And to Erika’s credit, when confronted by LVP, she stood her ground.  But the real issue here is Kathryn running out behind everyone’s backs talking shit.  She’s like an incredibly sloppy version of Kyle.

Speak of the devil, Kathryn goes to lunch with her sisters.  This is like a spin-off a show I already didn’t enjoy.  Kathryn says that she and her three siblings were all conceived while her mother was on birth control.  I want to judge, but I just got my birth control baby down for a nap so, yeah.  It happens.  4 times seems like a lot though.  Anyhow, Kathryn says that means none of them were wanted.  Which is still true today.  Get off of my TV, please.

Kathryn’s mom is in the early stages of dementia and it makes me sad because she says that her mom was always forgetful, and my mom has also always been forgetful.  I hate Kathryn, but this is a horrible thing to go through

Lastly, Kim comes to visit Kyle (AND IS NOT BEING PAID FOR IT).  Kyle says that Kim is better about sweeping things under the rug and pretending like everything is okay, which considering the circumstances, does seem appropriate.  I wouldn’t talk about my skeletons on TV if I weren’t being paid for it.  Kim tells us that she was really happy to see Kyle on her birthday which makes me think she’s drunk right now.  Kim just wants to move forward and not dwell on the past but Kyle has to bring up the past as much as possible in order to stay relevant.  Kim says that bringing up stuff from the past can be detrimental, but that if there is something that happened that is relevant to current day, then yeah, they should talk about it but do so in a calm quiet way.

kyle and kim talk

Kyle is also annoyed that every time Brandi hangs out with Kim, she feels the need to tweet about it.  I’d say this is probably a harmless move, but it’s Brandi we are talking about so yeah, she’s most likely doing it to piss Kyle off.

You guys, I really, really don’t care about the Richard Sisters Saga.  It’s been a plot line on this show for YEARS and I’m just over it.  Kim is addicted to booze and drugs, and Kyle is addicted to the drama that comes with Kim’s addiction.  And I am addicted to bad TV which means that I’m stuck watching all of this garbage play out.  Someone call Dr. Phil, or Dr. Drew, or Dr. Oz, or Dr. Dre and get me the help I so desperately need!

Until next time!  (It looks like Tom kicks someone out of the Girardi house and I hope that’s not just a manufactured sound bite because that’s awesome.)

Recap written by Liz