1. We start with Katie and Scheana waiting for their paycheck. Ariana shows up and does nothing wrong. Scheana and Katie are completely upset by this. Listen, it might not be evident in my posts, but I am, in general, anti-Ariana because I am so pro-Kristen that the two seem to not mix. But can Ariana catch a break? Jeez. Anyway, their awful conversation revolves around the texts Katie sent to Tom2:

a. You’re a piece of shit. You’re not a good boyfriend

b. Thank God I’m not pregnant. Fuck, I can’t believe I almost married you.

c. I can’t even believe I considered you as a fiancé.

d. I want all your shit out of the apartment. I don’t give a fuck about this ring.

e. You might as well pawn it and start a new life.

Her summation of the previous texts was: Thank God I’m not pregnant; I can’t believe I almost married you. Then Katie and Scheana laugh. So. First. If Katie had actually said what she summarized, that’s bad enough, but it’s not unredeemable. It’s certainly not as bad as what Stassi did to her. Not to be all tit for tat, but she is saying those awful things to the LOVE OF LIFE and all she can say is, “Oops. Tequilla.” Stassi was pissed at her because Katie associated with a person who showed around Stassi’s sex tape. What a garbage person Katie is becoming. Is this Scheana’s fault?!

2. I hate Lisa’s shoes she wore in that scene. Other than that, what is Lisa’s deal with Kristen? Katie says, “We were invited by Kristen.” That’s literally it before Lisa says, “Well that doesn’t sound like a good invitation.” What? Meanwhile, I’m still really upset that a woman that runs a fashion blog still has that damn nose ring. And that weird neck-scarf-choker.

3. Tom2’s recall about what happened between he and Katie is actually on point. Maybe he’s not as dumb as I think he is? He was trying to provide some prospective about Ariana’s feelings (sane) and Katie didn’t want to listen (insane) so Tom2 accurately points out that Katie was spinning a story to fit her narrative (true). He accurately describes her as the Shakespeare of Rage Texting and I hope one day to be described just as beautifully.

4. Meanwhile, the producers set up Peter, Jax, and Tom2 watching Peter’s girlfriend’s Sarah’s son Liam. (Zero percent chance that sentence isn’t dead on accurate.) Sarah writes down rules such as no candy. As soon as she leaves, the responsible parties let the 4 year old know that because his mom isn’t there, there ARE NO RULES. Tom2 realizes that babysitting is awesome because you get to be a kid again. Yes, Tom2, enjoy those 3 hours…. (*ANGRY FACE ONLY A MOM CAN MAKE*) Jax draws said 4 year old’s mother’s boobs. Tom2 says it’s a great way for Liam to learn to do whatever the hell he wants and to never tell the woman. Maybe Katie’s texts were on point.

5.  We learn James has been texting Kristen again. Isn’t that strange. I thought Kristen was never going to have that handsome young thing ever again? Rachel O’Brien, the terrible comedian according to Ariana, is cracking me up by spraying (hairspray? tanning something-or-other?) at the phone. Stassi accurately tells Kristen she’s too old for that. Not in a mean way.

6. I don’t like Lala busting on James for bussing tables. She’s a hostess. Get over it.

7. Here’s my favorite part of the Palm Springs house scene: Subtle Kristen shade: “Max was there with his 40 year old girlfriend.” When Katie & Scheana ring the doorbell: Stassi is D-runk and slurs, “I ordered male strippers.” Anyway, Stassi pours her heart out and says she was (rightfully) pissed her best friend Katie was becoming super close to someone who showed around Stassi’s sex tape. Katie’s response? “It’s not always about you.” What? That sounds like something Katie had planned to say no matter what Stassi said, because it absolutely did not make sense in this context.  Katie continues to insult her when Stassi is at her most vulnerable for no reason whatsoever. Stassi said she valued her friendship with Katie more than anyone. Katie responds by saying Stassi’s friendships are fluff. Does this remind anyone else of Ariana telling off Kristen in an earlier episode just because she had the chance? Again I say: Katie is becoming such a garbage person. Is this Scheana’s fault?!

8. Katie asks Scheana what she wants to do about the hotel situation. Scheana says she doesn’t care; it’s up to Katie…but she already paid for the room, and she can’t get that back, so whatever. I hate Scheana. Sheana’s talking head points out that she ditched Ariana for Katie, so if Katie becomes friends with Stassi, she doesn’t know where that leaves her. Again…Scheana is the worst. Who doesn’t want their friends to make up with their old best friends?! Scheana. That’s who. Scheana. Meanwhile, I love Rachel’s jumpsuit. In the morning, Kristen jokes with her good friend Scheana that she’s never getting married because then she can’t drink in the morning. She’s being self-depricating, and it is funny. Scheana’s talking head says about her good friend Kristen that that’s not the only reason she shouldn’t get married. THE. WORST. Scheana then revels that yes, she would like a drink. I punched my computer. It ended well for not me.

9. Ariana talks to Lisa about how she’s sick of Scheana’s behavior. Lisa must not watch her own show (or maybe Scheana has something on Lisa through Pandora??) so she tells Ariana to not throw the 5 year friendship away. While I do admit this is normally sound advice, let’s quickly switch to Scheana and Katie’s convo at the pool. First, Scheana lied and said that she is glad they are all friends again. She then forgets that whole, “I’m not best friends with Ariana anymore Katie. I’m best friends with YOU,” conversation they had in Hawaii. Scheana is then upset then she hears Ariana agrees with Scheana and said they aren’t best friends. Katie reassures Scheana that Scheana is one of her best friends, but the other girls aren’t. Scheana smiles greedily at this. (I feel like a 5th grader even typing this shit. You feel like a 5th grader reading it, right? You should.) Back to Ariana & Lisa: WHY is she talking to her 50 year old boss about this?

10. Let’s get to the James thing. He’s right; his problems are not because of Kristen. I agree she’s not helping matters and she likely eggs him on. But COME ON. He’s an adult man. His adult mom should never blame someone else for his actions. I LOVE that when his mom said he shouldn’t meet with her because she got him fired, he said, “No. I got me fired.” WORD. That’s the most adult thing James has said this season, and I’m lead to believe he didn’t stand a chance for not being a spoiled shit in life.  That all being said, when his mom said she’s never seen Kristen without a drink in hand, he replies, “Yeah. You’re one to talk.” TOO FAR. That’s your mom, mate.

10Thoughts written by Kerry