We actually start today’s episode at SUR!  You remember SUR, it’s that restaurant that all of these people pretend to work at.  Well, it turns out that Katie and Scheana are only there because it’s payday, but also because SUR is a pretty backdrop for Katie’s A Terrible Girlfriend Story Time:

Apparently, after the trip to the beach where Tom2Kat were taking their ENGAGEMENT photos, Katie was upset about what Ariana had said about “pretending to have a good time” when she’s with Scheana and Katie.  And according to Katie, Tom2 made her feel like it was her fault, when in reality he was probably just tried to play devil’s advocate a bit and attempted to give Katie some perspective since Ariana is the girlfriend of Tom2’s true love, Tom1.  Shockingly, Katie was not having it and she drank too much and lost her shit.  Lost her shit to the point where she sent some horrific breakup-worthy texts to Tom2 that personally put me into a perpetual state of cringe (see photo below for said texts).

texts

Now I ask you, have we ever seen Shay drunkenly flip out? No.  But how many times has it happened with Katie?  At least once a season.  But sure, Shay is the one with the problem.  What Katie said in those texts was shitty and rotten, and even if she absolutely felt those things at the time, you never say stuff like that to the person you are supposed to love.  Because if you do, it means one of two things; you meant it or you didn’t- and if you meant it, then you shouldn’t be with that person; and if you DIDN’t mean it, then you should check into rehab because clearly when you are under the influence, you are capable of being unspeakably cruel.  Katie blames all of this on her alter-ego “Tequila Katie”.  I get it, I really do because Brown Liquor Liz is basically an angry garbage person.  But that’s why we don’t let Brown Liquor Liz come out to play anymore.  She breaks things and says mean shit and cries a lot and ends up in the shower.  #ShowerNight

Ariana also comes into SUR looking for her check and Scheana and Katie politely suggest she check upstairs, which Ariana decides to do.  Like a TOTAL BITCH.  Jk. But Katie and Scheana immediately jump on this interaction with Ariana and call her “condescending” and “icy”.  Whatever.  Are we missing something?  Because other than not wanting to hang out with the girl who made their lives miserable last year, what have Tom1 and Ariana really done to piss everyone off so much?  Anyhow, LVP finally shows up and she apparently has their checks?  Because the owner of the restaurant is the one who brings the server’s checks?  And what place doesn’t do direct deposit these days?  There had to be a more authentic reason to get all of these people together.  Boo hiss, producers…boo hiss.

In other news, Katie has decided to just surprise Stassi in Palm Springs so that Stassi can’t have a speech prepared.  First of all, Stassi has had her speech prepared for MONTHS.  And even if she wasn’t prepared, Stassi is quick on her feet and the type gal who is always be able to come up with something to say, no matter what.

sarah lets the boys babysit

Peter, Tom2, and Jax are all going to babysit Sarah’s son Liam (who is 4 and correctly identifies Peter’s look as “pirate”), and to prepare for this great responsibility, they decide to get a buzz on.  Tom2 tells his side of the story which is, as I expected, that he was just trying to get Katie to see things from Ariana’s side.  Now here’s the thing on this one because I can kind of see both sides to this.  I think Tom2 is ultimately correct, but I also think that publically disagreeing with your partner about something that has upset them, especially when booze is involve, isn’t a great idea and will ultimately only lead to a fight.  Confront them in private if you really believe they aren’t thinking it all through, but couple’s publically fighting is my ultimate pet peeve, so maybe I’m just highly sensitive to it.

Tom calls Katie the “Shakespeare of rage texting” and says she writes “brutal poetry” and even though he knows it’s just the alcohol talking, when you hear stuff like that from your partner it can really hurt regardless of the circumstances.  Brown Liquor Liz has said some truly heinous stuff, which again, is why we don’t hang out with her anymore.  Tequila Katie would be wise to follow her lead.

vpr-babysitting1

Liam finally shows up and almost immediately it’s decided that Tom2 will be the “princess” BECAUSE OF COURSE HE WILL BE.  The boys all play with swords and crayons and Jax draws a picture of Sarah and Sarah’s boobs because Jax is creepy as fuck.  Basically every rule that Sarah gave the guys to follow for Liam gets broken in the first ten minutes, but she had to sort of expect that and I’m guessing she figured the camera crew was there and would have a moral obligation to protect the minor if it came to it.

Stassi, Rachael, and Kristen (and Vodka) all show up to Rachael’s parents Palm Springs vacation home and Stassi waxes poetic about the days when she was queen and people had to be invited to spend time with her as opposed to present day where Katie and Scheana are choosing to not come on this trip just to avoid her.  Except that they are actually coming and will be there shortly after a word from our sponsors.  See?  Stassi still rules.

While Stassi, Rachael, and Kristen toast to their wild and crazy weekend, James is blowing up Kristen’s phone and Stassi says (not in a mean way) that Kristen has moved beyond bad boys and is now dealing with straight up losers, which she, Kristen, is too old for.

lala talks to james

Back at SUR, James is back to bussing tables and Lala calls him out for bringing the rando chick to the beach as a move to make Kristen jealous.  Lala says that James needs to grow up and “take the bitch to dinner” because he is clearly still not over her.  I do not agree.  I think they use each other for screen time but other than that, James and Kristen no longer have any real feelings for each other.

Jax and Tom1 are bartending at the garden/lounge bar and immediately get into it again about who is a good friend and who is stabbing who in the back and ultimately, these two don’t really have any reason to still be friends, right?  I mean, Jax fucked Kristen on Tom1’s couch while he was still dating her, and then repeatedly showed zero remorse for it.  Even if Tom1 was cheating on Kristen, and even if Tom1 is ultimately much happier without her, it’s still a dirty dog move that I just don’t think a friendship can come back from.  I’ve been more or less the Tom1 in that situation and I’ve never understood how he could just go back to being friends with Jax so quickly.  After some real time?  Sure, but it seemed like it was just a few months and they were bros again.

Jax talking heads that Ariana is a negative nancy (my words) and that as much as he hates to say it, Tom1 was more fun when he was dating Kristen.  Umm, not sure I agree with that.  I think Tom1 was always fighting or crying when he was dating Kristen and I don’t remember that as too much fun.  Tom1 ultimately just asks Jax to have a little consideration for his and Ariana’s feelings and it doesn’t take a “badass fucking friend” to agree that that’s a pretty reasonable request.

Back in Palm Springs, Kristen goes on and on about how fun Malibu was (because I know for me, it’s not a good day unless I’ve called someone a cunt at least three times), and Stassi is bummed because more and more big life events keep happening for Katie and she’s not invited.  Meanwhile, Katie and Scheana are arriving at the house and Katie is nervous and sweaty and also what looks to me like excited.  Katie talking heads that this is Stassi’s opportunity to say everything she’s done wrong and apologize for those things and if it doesn’t go that way, there “will be problems”.  I’m guessing those problems would involve tequila and emotionally berating loved ones.

Katie and Scheana walk in and you can see on Stassi’s face immediately that this is a legit surprise.  Either that or she is a much better actress than I could ever imagine.  Katie says that she is in Palm Springs for one reason and that reason is to talk to Stassi, to which Stassi immediately starts crying.  I’m telling you, this was a legit reality TV moment.  OR- I’m a total sucker.  Both of these are totally viable options.  The girls walk off to a back room and Katie tells Stassi to start talking.

sad stassi

Stassi tells Katie what we already know, which is that she was so hurt by Katie going on Scheana’s bachelorette party, when Stassi was so sure that Scheana had been a part of the sex tape potentially getting exposed scandal.  Um- wasn’t it Kristen who said that Scheana was definitely showing the tape around?  And then Scheana said she definitely didn’t do that?  ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM!  LET’S GET THIS SETTLED!  Because ultimately, it really would have been shitty for Katie to go celebrate with a person who could do that to Katie’s best friend.

Katie says that going on that trip was never about Stassi, which I believe.  It was about Tom2 and wanting to go on a Bravo-sponsored trip to Miami, and I don’t think it was malicious.  Kate also tells Stassi that so much of Katie’s life was about what she could do for Stassi which feels like regurgitated LVP, and also- Katie should take some responsibility with that.  Katie was the one who let herself get lost and become so much of a follower, no one forced her to fall in line behind Stassi.  Stassi, on the other hand, just keeps apologizing for her mistakes and agreeing with anything that Katie wants to throw at her, warranted or otherwise.  Katie says that she is surrounded by AMAZING people and friends now and she “doesn’t have time” to go through what she went through with Stassi again and that if she did, she would be a “damn fool”.

katie scolds

Turns out, Katie IS a damn fool because you can already see that this conversation is headed towards reconciliation.  Why else would she bother going out to Palm Springs in the first place if she wasn’t planning on making up with Stassi?  She just wants the chance to yell at her first, which I get, but also is just a bad look.  Also- Katie keeps going on and on about what a “damn good friend” she was to Stassi, when A- if Kristen is right and Scheana was showing people Stassi’s sex tape, then going on that trip was an incredibly shitty thing to do as a friend, and B- ummm, hadn’t Katie heard the Kristen and Jax rumor MONTHS before she finally told Stassi about it?  Get off your high horse, Maloney.

Tom2 comes to meet up with Jax at SUR and Tom2 looks happier than I’ve seen him in years.  I think it’s because Katie is out of town.  LVP comes up and Tom2 tells her about the big Tom2Kat fight and Lisa explains to him that women don’t always (if ever) want their man to fix the problem, they just want to feel like their partner has their back.  Which is true, but LVP is basically condoning Katie’s verbal (text) abuse which I don’t agree with.  LVP tells us that it’s better to be wrong and happy than to be right and sleeping on the couch which is also probably true, but I still think the way Katie acted was unacceptable, tequila or not.

Back in Palm Springs, Stassi is a weeping mess and keeps apologizing but she’s doing it in classic Stassi form and by that I mean it’s all framed around herself; what she’s missed out on, what a good friend she’s lost, etc.  Katie admits that even the night she got engaged, Stassi’s face flashed before her eyes which reminds me of that scene in the notebook when Allie gets engaged and thinks of Noah because that’s who she is really supposed to be with and this only fuels my theory that Katie is actually a Lesbian who was once in love with Stassi but is now in love with Scheana.  Finally, the conversation ends with Katie making Tom2’s invite to the engagement party official for Stassi and the girls hug it out.

Scheana sees the writing on the wall when Katie and Stassi come out of the back room.  Kristen is ecstatic to have her threesome back together and Scheana knows that makes her the odd man out.  Scheana snarks at Katie that she can just pay her back for the backup hotel room that Scheana paid for in case the Katie/Stassi convo when to shit.

sad scheana

The next morning, Scheana pretends to be an adult for about five seconds and refuses a morning drink until Kristen brings up the Ariana-shit-talking-Rachael-at-the-beach thing. Kristen tells Scheana that Ariana denied their best-friendship (ala Kenya & Cynthia), and Scheana doesn’t understand why Ariana is such a bitch to her when she knows what Scheana and Shay have been going through this summer.  For the record, Ariana has NOT been a bitch to Shay.  Not even a ghost bitch.  Scheana, who IS THE FUCKING WORST, still doesn’t see how she caused this rift with Ariana when she decided to text her mom and talk shit about Tom1.

At SUR, LVP and Ariana start to talk about Ariana’s friendship with Katie and Scheana and then the show cuts back to Palm Springs in that editing style that I actually like as a viewer, but hate as a recapper.

Palm Springs: Scheana tells Katie that while she is happy that everyone is friends again (bullshit), and that she knows that she is a part of the katie-stassi-kristen friend group now (eh, sort of), that she still misses her “one friend” who was outside of that threesome.  Scheana says that Ariana is still an important person in her life but hearing Kristen say that Ariana rejected their best-friend-status really hurts.

SUR: LVP asks Ariana how long she’s been friends with Scheana (5 years) and tells her not to throw her away as a friend.  LVP talking heads that she’s seen the strength in friendship between the two and that it would be sad to see that relationship end.  Ariana correctly identifies that LVP loves Scheana and just wants everyone to be friends but Ariana has no time for or interest in mollycoddling her friends.

stassi kristen pool

Palm Springs:  Scheana worries that if Ariana could drop her, then any of these girls could too.  Yeah, especially if you text their moms talking shit.  Katie says that Kristen and Stassi aren’t her best friends anymore and that Scheana is.  I hate girls that pass around the Best Friend title like it’s a sweater.  Also- real “best friends” don’t have to constantly remind each other that they are.  Anyhow, Katie reassures Scheana and Stassi who has obviously been listening while in the pool, talking heads that she isn’t trying to move in on Katie and that she and Scheana aren’t like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry fighting over backup dancers.

You guys know that’s what the song “bad blood” is about, right?  Katy jacked some of TSwift’s backup dancers and now they are enemies for life.  I love it.

Katie says this weekend is about forgiveness but she still has to go home and face the music with Tom2.  Why would you leave town without resolving your issues with your fiancé?  Oh yeah, because Katie’s relationships with her friends have always and will always matter more to her than her relationship with Tom2.  Who wants to go with me to protest Tom2kat’s wedding in the name of love?

Stassi is happy that this weekend was the first step to being friends with Katie again and she looks forward to their potential future.  You guys- am I just a huge sucker?  Because I’m totally buying this from Stassi.  Kristen is perpetually drunk and thrilled by everything that’s happened.

james at lunch with mom

 

Everyone’s least favorite shit weasel James meets up with his mother and confesses that he was fired as the Pump DJ.  MamaJames blames Kristen for basically everything that’s gone wrong in James’ life which isn’t fair since Kristen is the sole reason he’s on TV.  And while I’m sure being on TV hasn’t been great for James’ well-being, you just know he was a little bitch for years and years before making it on the show.  MamaJames calls Kristen a drunk (fair) and James snots that she’s one to talk (DON’T YOU TALK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT).  MJ is not thrilled with that comparison as you can imagine, and demands respect.  James thinks he’s suffering from an Oedipus complex in that Kristen and his mom are the same people, which I totally can see.

mamajames

And finally we see Katie return home to Tom2.  Katie, who learned nothing from her Forgiveness Weekend, and should have paid more attention to Stassi’s excellent “how to eat crow” demonstration, starts to blame Tom2 for her own horrible actions.  NO.  BAD KATIE.  Katie is a horrible apologizer and she does not deserve my sweet, sweet Tom2.  They make up in the end but only because Tom2 hates confrontation and would always prefer to squash something than defend himself.

katie talks to tom2

Katie sucks.

Tom2 + Tom1 = ❤ 4eva

Recap written by Liz 

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