First of all, please accept my sincerest apologies for how exceptionally late this recap is. You can blame Teen Mom OG and their 2 hour finale which took way longer to recap than usual. You can also blame my 3 month old son who has decided that naps are for suckers, or his father who hates reality tv and insists on playing Fallout 4 when he gets home from work. OR- you can blame me for buying him Fallout 4 for Christmas, because really, what was I thinking…
This week, we start off at another extra-curricular activity with Queen Bee Karen Huger. This time, we’re at a self-defense class that she has decided to take with daughter Rayvin. Karen tells us that Rayvin is about to go off to college and she needs to know how to defend herself. I am liking Karen more and more each week. Karen says that she was mugged over a year ago and the attacker got away with her diamond necklace, but not her diamond ring because she “slid it down into never neverland”. I choose to believe she is referring to the sleeve of her shirt. This is America, and that is my choice.
When they are finished punching the crap out of things, Rayvin says she feels better than she did walking into the class and that she feels Ready. I am still a bag of hormones from my pregnancy, so like Karen, I also tear up a bit because you can just see how proud Karen is of Rayvin- who by all accounts seems like a lovely well-adjusted kid with a good head on her shoulders. This is not always the case with the children of the housewives. Rayvin strikes me as more of a Briana or a Pandora than an Ashlee (RHONJ Jacqueline’s daughter) or a Milania. Karen says that if Rayvin ever finds herself in a situation where she is in danger, she needs to forget everything her parents taught her about being nice or kind; that she needs to fight for her life. It sucks that we live in a world where this is a very relevant conversation to have with your daughter. (#YESALLWOMEN). Karen also tells Rayvin that if all else fails, she bought her a hot pink stun gun. Awesome. My dad bought me pepper spray a long time ago and it made me feel really loved.
Ashley and Michael Darby are opening a “modern Australian restaurant” and other than vegemite sandwiches, I have no idea what that means cuisine-wise. The restaurant is Ashley’s baby, and she hopes the success of the place will help her take care of her family. She does not want to piggy back on her husband’s financial triumphs. Of course, it’s her husband who put up the money to start the place, but that apparently doesn’t count. Anyhow, Ashley is looking for an assistant. What proceeds is the weirdest series of interviews for said assistant that I’ve ever seen. I get that they are looking for someone “outside the box”, but as an assistant to a CEO, I’m not sure that asking someone if they prefer “heels or flats” really tells you much about how they work. For me? Always flats. And I get that Ashley is more of a heels girl, but I’m a baller assistant and can walk faster in flats. At least I would have definitely passed Ashley’s “make us a cocktail” test. I also would have done much better on the Australian trivia portion than I thought. For the record, a “bogan” means a person of lower working class, sort of live “white trash” in America or “chav” in England. And the fact that none of the people they showed us could name an Australian celebrity means that they should have all been thrown out of the room immediately. (RIP Steve Irwin, RIP.)
Robin goes over to Charrisse’s house and Robin tells us that she met Charrisse in 2003 when her husband Eddie was Robin’s husband Juan’s basketball coach, so Charrisse knows what it’s like to live the NBA life. This gives them a close bond that they don’t share with the other women. Robin is dealing with the fact that Juan is off interviewing for coaching jobs all around the country and she isn’t sure what she will do if/when he actually gets a job that’s far away. She says that she and Juan are NOT in a relationship, even though they live in the same house. And sleep in the same bed. And have sex. So while I agree with Robin that “it’s complicated”, I’m with Charrisse on this one- that’s a relationship.
Robin asks Charrisse how things are with her and Eddie. She says that she doesn’t want to disparage Eddie because he is a wonderful father, but that he is a horrible husband. Damn. Charrisse says that she is ready to take drastic measures. She TEXTED Eddie saying that she wants a divorce, which I find horrifying, but it’s a testament to how bad their relationship is that not only did she share this decision over text, but Eddie hasn’t even responded. Girl, get a good lawyer and call it a day.
Gizelle goes over to Karen’s house and I have to say, I want to be friends with these ladies because the spreads they put out for a casual visit look bomb. I’m like Robin. If you come to my house, you’re are lucky to get a grilled hot dog and a snack sized bag of fritos. Gizelle is wearing her “robin thicke” pants, but they look like beetlejuice pants to me, because I’m old school. Karen tells us that she is excited to have Gizelle over because they’ve been friends for years and she’s looking forward to gossiping about other people. I’m excited because I appreciate Karen’s honesty. It’s fun as hell to talk about people behind their back, and I appreciate a soul sister who can acknowledge that.
Gizelle brings up Ashley’s birthday, and since this recap is late, I totally forgot about Ashley not having an open bar at her party. What. The fuck. Was that. Gizelle apparently didn’t pay her tab. Good. It’s ridiculous that anyone had to pay. Karen says that Ashley doesn’t always behave correctly, but she’s new and Karen wants to still give her a chance. Karen has decided to show Ashley how to properly host a party and is renting a yacht for all the women to sail on. That is, all the women AND their dates. Gizelle says that that’s all fine and good for the single women, but some ladies and their husbands don’t live in the same town, so what is Charrisse going to do? I will tell you- she is going to find a date because her marriage is hella over. Speaking of “hella”, we hear thunder in the background and this current California girl gets nostalgic as hell. I desperately miss real storms. In the California Bay Area, at best it occasionally drizzles, and as someone who grew up in North Central Florida, I would pay good money for a decent thunderstorm to roll through.
Gizelle asks Karen if Katie is invited to this shin-dig and while she is, both women are concerned and confused about her behavior at Ashley’s bday (the crazed PDA as well as Katie hopping in Ashley’s super sweet 16 present of a car. Karen says that she isn’t going to jump to conclusions because Katie is a devoted mother. Thank you Karen, for taking her children into account and being respectful. Gizelle says she thinks Katie was on drugs. Thunder claps every time they talk shit, which Karen says is God. Amen.
Ashley’s mom Sheila (which funnily enough means “female” in Australian slang- I’m telling you, I would have KILLED at that interview) and her brother Zachary come over to visit her and they all play pool. Ashley’s mom asks where the Patron is at, and I love her immediately. When she was a kid, Ashley used to give her mom cards on father’s day because Sheila acted as a mom and a dad when Ashley was growing up. Sheila has had to file bankruptcy and although Ashley wants to give her everything, Sheila says that she is the mother and while yes, she is prideful, if she really needs the help, she will ask for it.
Katie meets up with Karen at a café to talk about the Rost Foundation. Katie wants Karen to join the host committee due to her rolodex full of connections. Karen immediately brings up Ashley’s party by way of referencing that that was the last time she saw her and Katie admits to having had to “rehab from that”. Katie immediately apologizes for her behavior which is clearly the way to go with this group. It’s like all these ladies need is a swift apology and all is forgiven. Someone should finance Brandi’s relocation to Potomac. It would be hilarious. Katie switches gears from talk of Ashley’s party into asking for Karen’s help with a Casino Night charity event. To me, Casino Night means only one thing, and that’s the season 2 finale of The Office where Jim confesses his love to Pam and they kiss and it’s everything. Anyhow, Katie says that she only has a month to prep, wants to raise $100,000, and needs Karen on the host committee. Unfortunately, Karen has way too much on her plate (learning to fly!) and is spread too thin to join. Katie is visibly bummed.
Gizelle is on her second date with a man named Herman. Herman used to be on Maryland’s House of Delegates and he ran for congress which is good because Gizelle don’t want no scrubs. Herman is way more into Gizelle than she is into him. Herman has also never eaten raw oysters before so to me, he is totally a scrub. Gizelle says that she needs Herman to have a little more edge, but I just need him to know the difference between oysters and clams. Come on, Herman. He seems like a perfectly lovely man, albeit a TOTAL square. Gizelle invites him on Karen’s couples yachting event and Herman is ecstatic that he has made it to date #3 without even finishing date number 2. And then at the end of the meal, once outside, he tries to pull the “you have something on your lip, oh wait it’s me” kiss-trick. Oh, Herman. I’m starting to find him endearing. Dorky as hell, but clearly very sweet.
Katie and Andrew meet up with Ashley and Michael for a round of golf. Katie isn’t so much a golfer as she is a golf-fashion model. Ashley is also new to the game and not quite taken with it so the men drop their ladies off at the clubhouse and go off to play a few more rounds. Katie orders an ice tea and I don’t know what time of day it is, but Ashley orders a beer. Ashley, call me- I would make an awesome assistant/drinking buddy for you!
Katie tells Ashley that Karen is not interested in being on the hosting committee for the Rost Foundation because she is busy and also because their events tend to have a younger crowd. Ashley calls this age-ist and says that while Karen has loads of fundraising experience, she didn’t need to give advice (suggesting that Katie lower her fundraising goal) AND shade. Katie is just thrilled to have a younger friend who says and does what she wants. Unless what she wants is to google people. Because then, Katie will run off to the “old biddies from Potomac” and rat out her new young friend.
At Karen’s house, she calls Ray up to the bedroom to help her decide their outfits for that evening’s yachting event. Karen says that she is trying to show Ashley how to throw an event without saying something outright and offending her. When Karen was up and coming in the community, she looked to the advice of the matriarchs of Potomac and she hopes that Ashley will be as good of a student as she was.
There’s a short scene at Robyn’s house where she and Juan are playing basketball with the kids. Robyn talking heads that she will NOT be bringing Juan as her date to the couple’s event because they technically are not a couple. Except that they live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, have sex, and also their children have no idea that they are divorced. I’d say not bringing Juan would lead to more questions than bringing him because you know that none of Robyn’s friends actually buy that they aren’t a couple.
On the Yacht, Michael arrives wearing a captain’s hat and Karen talking heads that she loves that he is loaded and likes to have a good time. I too love fun rich people. She tells the couple that with this event, she is trying to show everyone how it should be done when you host a party. Ashley absorbs that obvious slight and light heartedly jokes that she’s the worst hostess and will take notes at this event. I like Ashley. She’s her own person, but she also plays this game pretty well. Charrisse shows up to the couples party with two of her friends because she’s in the beginnings of divorce proceedings with Eddie and she’s a little miffed that she was invited to a “couple’s party” in the first place. Also- Gizelle introduces Herman to everyone as her “date” and then she gets upset when people treat him like her date, so that’s fun.
I like how Karen considers herself the epitome of class but then she always wears the most revealing outfits. Her dress from her talking heads is so distractingly-nippletastic that I sometimes have to watch it two or three times to comprehend what she’s saying. Seriously- check it out next time you watch; where ARE her nipples? Karen also slips up and asks if Herman is “Mister Miami”. Spoiler alert- he is not. Gizelle enjoys variety, but not Karen calling her out on it.
Katie manages to rope Gizelle into being on her host committee for the Rost event and Gizelle is happy to do it assuming it’s not a hot mess. Speaking of hot messes, Michael jokingly/drunkenly starts to take his pants off and pretends that he is going to go swimming. Gizelle shuts that shit down immediately. I think Michael is a fun drunk but agree that anytime you start to take your pants off at a party, things are going to get weird. Karen handles this as a polite host should and doesn’t scold Michael like Gizelle does.
Despite the embarrassing display from her husband, Ashley invites all of the women to go to their beach house in Delaware. This is a girls-only trip, which means if you have a penis, you are not invited. Katie asks what that means for girls with big clits which elicits a very loud “Ewwwww” from my boyfriend who is cooking in the kitchen. And that’s all she wrote for this week of RHOP.
So for the most part, this version of Housewives has been very tame. BUT- next week we will get the pièce de résistance of this franchise; the “girl’s trip”. Think: Yolanda versus Kyle in Palm Springs, the OC ambush of “phony” Alexis Bellino in Costa Rica, Aviva calling Ramona and Sonja “white trash” in Saint Barts, or better yet, the RHONYC gold standard- Scary Island with Kelly Bensimon and Bethenny Frankel. Girl’s trips are what the Housewives shows are built around. They get the women away from their comfortable surroundings, away from their husbands, and the liquor flows like the might Mississippi. In other words, if we don’t get some real drama next week, this series is dead in the water. But I have faith in the all-mighty girl’s trip, and so should you.
Until next time!
Recap written by Liz