Scheana is the WORST.  Here’s why that’s true this week:

lingerie shopping

The episode starts off with Scheana, Ariana, and Katie all lingerie shopping together.  We see them prance around in their undies and I second what recapper AC said in her 10thoughts- the PumpRules demographics have no interest in half naked girls.  Scheana pouts that this summer has just been so hard for her without Ariana being there for her 100%- for her for her for her because it’s all about her her her.  Scheana tells us that she wants her old friend back but that she will take what she can get right now and she just wants to have a good time.  Except that Ariana doesn’t enjoy lingerie shopping because Ariana hates girly shit.  You’d think Scheana would know that, since they were such good friends for so long.  I’m only a fan of the show and even I know that this was a stupid plan.

Things I would not do with Ariana- (1) Shopping, (2) Mani/pedi, (3) spa day, (4) friendship bracelet making (6) watch The Notebook.

I agree that being around someone who has a sourpuss attitude is annoying, but it’s like Scheana set up a lose/lose situation with this outing.  Of course Ariana isn’t enjoying herself and of course Scheana runs off to New Bestie Katie to bitch about Ariana’s bitching.

STOP THE PRESSES.  As of this little outing, that is weeks after the engagement and at least a week or two after a couple’s trip to Hawaii, Katie and Tom2 STILL HAVE NOT HAD SEX.  Actually, I take back my “stop the presses” because is anyone really surprised?

Scheana jokes that Stassi might be a bridesmaid and we learn that Kristen has invited Scheana, Katie, AND Stassi on a trip to Palm Springs.  Scheana and Kristen want everyone to go but Katie still isn’t on board the Stassi-train.  Katie says she feels bad about how much of a hard time she gave Tom2 for inviting Stassi to the engagement party.  Then we get a recap of what happened at that party at the end of the last episode where Jax went on what looked like a coke-fueled rant about being the “number 1 guy in the group”.  Ariana tells Tom1’s side of the story, which seems pretty accurate from my recollection, and Scheana gives the Jaxed version which basically says that Ariana and Tom1 were the pissy aggressors that night who were mad that no one wanted to talk about Tom1’s band.  Is it any surprise that Scheana and Jax have remained close friends throughout the entirety of this show?  People say that Kristen and Jax are soulmates, but Scheana and Jax are cut from the exact same cloth.

At the studio, James and Max are working on an album of songs that he spins at Pump.  James calls this the greatest accomplishment of his life so far.  The guy is a slimey little weasel without a doubt, but from what I’ve heard, James is actually good at this DJ thing.  So good in fact, that Lisa and Ken are financing this album.  James calls himself the white Kanye West.  And I agree.  They both have egos three times the size of their talent.  I would also be willing to be money that James will name his children something horrible and pretentious should he ever conquer his whiskey-dick and manage to procreate.

The song that James is working on with Lala will NOT be going on the Pump record because their relationship, or lack thereof is rocky.  So rocky, that James says he is missing Kristen.  Of course he is; Kristen is his equal in crazed manic behavior.  Lisa correctly identifies the James/Kristen relationship as destructive and she also says that James needs to show her that he can be professional.  I wish them both the best of luck with that.

Over at the local laser tattoo removal office, Tom2 is adorably trying to convince Tom1 to keep his ass tattoo.  While in the waiting room, Ariana calls Tom1 to let him know that Jax has spun a web of nonsense about the fight.  Tom1 assumes that Jax is probably embarrassed about his behavior and is twisting the story around in an attempt to make himself look better.  Yeah, that sounds about right.  Tom1 gets his first of several tattoo removal treatments and it looks horrible.  Tom2 squirms in his chair while taking video of his buddy getting his ass attacked by a giant Bond-villain laser.  I’ve said this before, and I will probably say it again, but these two are the true love story from this show.

Over at Casa de DrunkKristen y SquatterStassi, Kristen and Stassi talk about the Katie-Palm Springs situation.  Katie isn’t comfortable enough to go on a trip with her old friend, but that’s not stopping Kristen who is now on a mission to get the whole gang back together.  You should notice that when Kristen waxes poetic, she never talks about Scheana being part of this group.  I think if Stassi, Katie, and Kristen were to ever get back to where they were, or even somewhere close, Scheana would be tossed out like bad leftovers.  Which I’m fine with.  Because Scheana is the worst.

brittany boob job

Jax and Brittany are at the plastic surgeon’s office getting ready for Britt-Britt’s boob job consultation.   Jax is still bummed out about the night before and his fight with Tom1.  Jax says that he spoke to Shay and as it turns out, they have similar issues.  Hmm….drugs?  Drugs.

jax plays with boobs

Jax immediately turns into a child once they are in the office and he has implant samples to play with.  Brittany looks great in the hospital gown because Brittany is gorgeous and oh by the way, does not need a boob job.  I’d like to hear what Brittany’s southern father thinks about all this.  Although- maybe she doesn’t have a relationship with her dad which would actually explain a lot.  The doctor asks Britt what size she wants to be and she quickly replies “a full c”.  Jax immediately jumps with the pic of Sarah, Peter’s girlfriend (I would be so creeped out if I were Sarah) and Dr. Layke says that those are more in the D range.  Jax nods his head rapidly, grins and says “yeah that’s what she wants”.  Brittany does not seem as confident.  Jax keeps saying “it’s not just for you, it’s for me too…” and I want to slap him. I have big boobs and I love them, but I got them the old fashioned way in that I just gained a bunch of weight.

Over at Scheana and Shay’s house of the SheanaShrine, Scheana is bitching about Shay’s drinking while at the same time saying that she always “lets it go”.  Shay interrupts her with “you never let it go. You’re the only one who ever says anything”.  Scheana says that she’s also the only one who matters.  I only know what I see on the show which is this: Shay always seems like a normal and friendly, albeit quiet, guy.  I don’t think we’ve ever seen him as drunk or more drunk than anyone else on the show and it makes me wonder if Shay has a drinking problem or a Scheana problem.  Let’s be honest- We all have a Scheana problem.  Also? It strikes me that Shay really isn’t Scheana’s type.  She wants this uber macho protector man, not the lovable teddy bear that she married.  But she also wants someone she can control, and for the most part, I think Shay fits that bill.  It does not surprise me that Shay drinks to take the edge off his very edgy wife and Scheana can’t control that.  Shay doesn’t even want to be in LA but that’s where Scheana’s “job” is.  I think its bullshit that Katie and Scheana keep giving their guys a hard time about their careers when Scheana is a waitress/failed skinamax actress and Katie is a waitress/beauty blogger.  Neither of these girls are on their way to a gold watch and a corner office.

jax tom ariana fight

Jax comes over to Tom1’s apartment to help Tom1 get rid of his couch. This is THE couch- the one that Kristen sucked Jax’s dick on.  I’m confused…didn’t we already do this earlier in the season?  Didn’t Faith take the couch?  Or was that something else….bah anyhow.  Ariana confronts Jax about his distorted version of the party story.  I was waiting for Jax to just deny what he said because that’s the liar I know and love, but not so much.  Jax says that Tom1 WAS pissed that no one was talking about his band and he blames Ariana for getting Tom1 all riled up.  Tom1 defends himself and says that unlike Jax, he is a “badass fucking friend” who never stabs people in the back.  Jax can’t handle this truth so he peaces out.  I don’t know if Tom1 is an awesome friend, but I guarantee that he is a better friend than Jax is.  I also sort of feel like Jax’s issue with Tom1 and Ariana have a lot to do with Scheana’s issues with them.

Jax and Brittany show up for her boob job (that Jax is paying for) and he reminds us that they’ve only been dating for 3 months and he is about to permanently alter her body.  Jax keeps saying “ready to throw some D’s on this!” It’s gross.  Jax is gross.

lala talks to peter

Over at SUR (you remember SUR, it’s that restaurant that this whole show was based around), Peter and Lala are talking and Lala tells us she is reading The Fountainhead (a book she says is all about architecture, which….um…sure) because she has time now that she’s not focus on skinny british djs.  Peter tells Lala that there was an altercation at Pump the night before between James and Richardson, one of the server/bartenders.  James was drunk and Kristen was there and she got him all worked up and then James verbally abused Richardson.  Lisa is pissed.

Jax is playing nursemaid to Brittany and we see him help her pee.  The good news for Jax is that pain killers cause constipation so he has a few days before facing that ugly little reality.  Katie and Tom2 come over and Jax is super giddy about his new toys.  It’s really skeevy.  Especially since Brittany seems like such a nice girl.  Katie and Tom2 remind Jax about the beach party they are having after taking their engagement photos.  Tom2 is dreading this because he hates engagement photos. I KNEW Tom2 and I would be besties.  Admittedly, I’m a bit of a scrooge about wedding stuff.  I have no interest in a diamond ring, engagement photos, a big white dress or a lavish party.  I’m all for eloping with the least amount of hassles possible.  I recognize that I am in the female minority here.  I’m also pretty sure that Tom2 thought that proposing would buy him some more time but Katie has jumped on the wedding train and it has left the station.  Katie tells us that she has invited everyone because she wants to stop the cycle of disinvitations between her and Lala.  Um, considering how uptight Katie is about Lala and her body, I’m not sure inviting her to a beach party is the best move, but hopefully she will be too focused on Tom2’s sour attitude to notice.

katie tom2 engagement photo

The next day at the beach, Katie is giving her vision to the photographer and Tom2 is not feeling it.  But Tom2’s feelings don’t matter.   The photo shoot is Sandlot themed; more specifically, the scene where Squints fakes his own drowning in order to get mouth to mouth resuscitation from Wendy Peffercorn, the hot lifeguard.  Katie’s outfit is actually pretty cute and the photos turned out nice but I’m still not a fan of engagement photos.  The photo session is then quickly ignored as the group talks about the incident with James and Richardson.

james and richardson

At Pump, Richardson maturely tells Lisa that he thinks James’ problem is due to his own immaturity.  James shows up looking disheveled and says he is embarrassed.  He has been texting Lisa nonstop begging for her forgiveness.  Well, I can’t fault him there.  Lisa and Richardson speak in French in front of James and it’s like two parents who are spelling in front of their kindergartener.  I love it.  Richardson repeats back to James what James had drunkenly said to Richardson and it’s pretty awful and misguidedly elitist.  Think Kelly Bensimon’s “I’m up here and you’re down there” speech that she gave to Bethenny.  It seems to me like James is the one with the real alcohol problem.  He’s showing up to his shifts drunk and then getting into fights with Kristen who, as we all know, is a magnet for drama.  At one point in the midst of James begging for his job, Lisa interrupts and James pulls a “Can I finish?” She should have slapped him across the face but instead, she takes the high road like always and tells him to go away and grow up.  James starts crying because Lisa won’t give him a straight answer about the Pump cd which James calls his whole life.  Lisa lets James come back but only as a busser three days a week.  Lisa correctly tells Richardson that she has given James too many changes at this point.

beach day

Back at the beach, Lala and Faith are there and Lala’s bathing suit is strapless but ultimately pretty modest for her.  And by that I mean it’s a floral print and has ruffles, so…. Kristen is also coming to the beach and Scheana mentions the comedy show that Kristen was in with her friend Rachel the night before.  Kristen wasn’t doing stand-up, but was in a few sketches.  This deeply offends Ariana who takes sketch comedy “very seriously”.  I don’t hate Ariana the way fellow 10Thoughts recapper AC does, but this is a bad look for her.  Ariana also talks shit about Rachel, who I believe is a professional comedian, or at least a hard working aspiring one.  Katie says that she’s tired of pretending like Ariana doesn’t have a stank attitude and Ariana says that she’s been pretending to have a good time around Katie and Scheana for a long time.  Damn.  Katie bails to go set up the next photo shoot.

James shows up to the beach with some new girl named Laurel.  Lala says that James thinks if he makes her jealous, she’ll kiss him and if she kisses him, Kristen will get jealous and fuck him.  Lala has this whole group pegged so well.  Kristen is next to arrive and Jax immediately spills the beans about Ariana’s reverence for all things sketch-comedy and her distaste for anyone who hasn’t seriously trained like she has.  Through therapy, Kristen says that she has learned to not be so confrontational.  Excellent growth, Kristen.  But then Kristen grabs Rachel and decides to confront with Tom1 and Ariana.  It goes about as well as can be expected.  Ariana says that she has been “doing comedy for 10 years” and so that gives her a right to disparage other people’s work.  Kristen says that as far as she can tell, Ariana sleeps late and complains a lot, and that does not a comedy career make.  I agree. It’s not like Ariana is this well-known LA comic and the whole thing makes her look sad and petty.  But ultimately, it shouldn’t matter to Kristen or Rachel (and it didn’t look like Rachel was too phased) what someone like Ariana thinks.  Kristen felt good about her performance and she co-wrote one of the sketches which is great.  That’s all that should matter.

Kristen says that no one even likes Ariana, which I think is fairly accurate, and Ariana agrees that Scheana is certainly not her best friend anymore.  Tom1 makes the case that Kristen has a terrible friendship record, but Kristen is right when she says that she is on good terms with all of these people now.  Yes, she acted like a psycho last summer but everyone else has moved on.  Of course, Kristen’s insanity wasn’t directed at any of them, so they didn’t have much to get over but if polled, I believe that more of the group is currently on #TeamKristen than on #TeamAriana.

peter beach

Jax tells Peter that he is embarrassed by his behavior in Hawaii and he feels like a lot of what’s happening in his life is in a spiral (Brittany moving in so suddenly, fighting with Tom and Ariana, etc).  Mostly this conversation is boring so I’m not going to recap in detail, but Jax does confess that he feels like he is “not accepted if he’s not talked about” which is a fairly reflective admission.

If I were editing this episode I would have swapped those last two scenes.  No one cares about a whiney man-child discovering his inner demons.  But Kristen calling Ariana a cunt and then storming off?  That’s classic PumpRules.  Until next week!

Recap written by Liz