So we start tonight’s PumpRules off at Lala and Dani’s apartment. Dani moved in 6 months ago so that means it’s time for a house warming party! I understand this because it takes me at least 6 months to fully unpack and settle in to a new place. #Memories. Dani is old school SUR and has invited Kristina Kelly and Stassi. Lala is new school so she invited Scheana and Ariana and their respective men. Awesome. Lala has met Stassi once and she thought she was cool. I want these two to be together so I like it.
Stassi asks to see Lala’s room. They take a small tour and Queen Bee approves. I approve as well because I also have that Ikea dresser. #IkeaTwins. Stassi squirms a bit when Lala says that Scheana, Tom, and Ariana will be at her party, but frankly she handles it maturely and like a champ because her ultimate goal is to be friends with Katie again.
Jax is back from his suspension. He wanted to go to Lala’s party but has decided to back out, not because Stassi will be there (except of course that’s why) but because Lala and Brittany had beef in Hawaii. Or so he says. Ariana correctly identifies Stassi’s motives for meeting up with Tom2. He’s weak. He is adorably hot and weak. And probably gay. Anyhow. Lisa shows up to SUR and she checks in with Jax. He says that he has learned so many lessons and he is so much better. Lisa knows this is garbage but feels she can probably guilt him into giving to charity while he has his tail tucked between his legs.
Tom1 shows up to Lala’s party in giant gold hoops. Awesome. Stassi and Kristina whisper loudly about how awkward it is that they aren’t talking to Tom1 and Ariana. Stassi tries to make eye contact with Tom1 but he is having none of it. Kristina wisely decides to make “ice breaker” shots and brings them out to the group. Nothing heals the wounds of the past like booze. Tom1 is mostly apathetic to the whole thing.
Scheana shows up to the party with a bottle of Pinot Grigio for Stassi. I feel like she meant this as an insult, but a bottle of wine is a gift – always – regardless of any malicious intent behind it. I think she was trying to make a dig but accidently offered an olive branch. Scheana is not only the worst, but also very stupid. Stassi says that she used to love confrontation but has no interest in it anymore. Ariana and Scheana are friendly at the party, but Ariana says they will never be besties again.
Stassi and Shay have a moment and Shay names the title of this episode when he says in a talking head that seeing Stassi again is like seeing a bitchy ghost…or a “ghost bitch”. Tom1 correctly calls Stassi out for her hypocrisy of being so shitty to Scheana and Katie in the past but then deciding to be friends with Kristen again. I get it. It calls to question Stassi’s principles and if she is only friends with people because they suit her at the time.
Stassi again spins her yarn about how when people hurt her, she cuts them off. She says that she knows that’s a mistake now and is trying to make amends. Tom1 doesn’t believe it because Stassi is basically homeless right now and is desperate.
Jax, Tom2, and Katie are all at dinner together and Jax tells TomKat that Brittany is at the Playboy mansion right now for work (it must be killing him to not also be there). Tom asks why Brittany would want a boob job, which she apparently does, and Jax is going to pay for it. Look. Whatever. You want bigger boobs, you go ahead and get them. And if some dude is going to pay for them? All the better. I don’t care. But she certainly doesn’t need them.
So apparently, my girl Lala decides to dis-invite Katie to her party. I love it. I hope she told her that it was a “capacity thing”. Anyhow, Katie takes offense to it and Jax is just happy because he thinks he dodged a bullet by not going. That’s not how bullets work in the land of #PumpRules.
Lala and Dani seem like awesome hostesses. They are buzzing around the apartment filling drinks and trying to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome. If I were 6-7 years younger, I would love living with these girls. Sadly, I’m old with a baby. Stassi brings Scheana a shot and they sit down to finally hash it out. Scheana says that she’s heard that Stassi is staying with Kristen and she’s surprised since she thinks that’s what Stassi’s issue with her and Katie was. Stassi clarifies that her issue with Katie never had anything to do with Kristen, it was always about Scheana and her allegedly spreading the sex tape around. Scheana continues to deny that she helped spread the sex tape. I don’t believe her. A year ago, I would have believed her. I also slow paused my tv to the exact moment where Stassi tells Scheana that she believes her and Scheana’s eyes are wide with surprise which is a micro expression (which is a term I learned from television, so I’m basically an expert). Stassi and Scheana ultimately seem to hash it out for the most part. See the aforementioned micro expression below:
Back at Cocina de TomKat y Jax, Katie and Jax grill Tom2 about his meetup with Stassi. Tom2 pussies out and says that it was brutal (hardly). He says that Stassi was just looking to make nice and Katie explains that she already mourned that relationship and has no interest in digging up buried bodies. Jax asks Tom2 what Stassi said about the engagement and Tom2 stares ahead at the wall like a robot while he admits to having invited Stassi to the engagement part. Katie freaks. The fuck. Out. Tom says that he was “so mean to her” that he felt bad. Other than the one comment about Katie’s apathy, he was so far from mean and if that is the story he sold to Katie, he must have gotten a beating last week when she saw what actually happened.
Tom2 says that maybe he was a little gung-ho about the invitation and that maybe he didn’t think it through and that maybe he is a sucker. There is no “maybe” about it. The answer is yes to all of those things. Tom2 is a believer though. He believes that Stassi has truly changed. Katie, not so much. Oh girl, I get it. Katie wants Stassi to realize how shitty she was to her and I really do think that Stassi does realize that. Maybe I am a sucker too.
Dammit, Kristen. So Stassi is back at Casa de Kristen y Homeless Stassi and she is regaling K-funk with her tails of Lala’s party. Kristen is acting like That Girl who hates another girl just because said girl hooked up with her ex. We here at #10Thoughts are unapologetically #TeamKristen but we also love Lala so this is annoying. Because no, K-dog, Lala is not stories below you. If she hadn’t hooked up with James, you would adore her. But whatevs. Stassi moves quickly past the Lala thing and says that she and Scheana basically made up. Kristen is excited because if Stassi can break down all of the SUR clique walls, than that makes way for her as well. Technically Kristen is already inside those walls, but she needs an ally.
The Toms are both in the car listening to Tom1s song TIP- “touch in public”. I do not like this song. It’s just not my thing. I don’t dance, so I don’t love dance music. But I do love this exchange:
Tom1: I just need to make money
Tom1: So are you ready for this meeting?
Tom2 tells Tom1 that he ultimately has no interest in the Vanderpump Sangria thing because he either has to be all in or all out with business ventures and he feels all out right now. This is a huge shock to literally no one except for my cat who seemed pretty blown away by the news. Although, a car backfired right around the same time as Tom2’s delivery of this news so that may have been what caused Catmissioner Gordon to jump off the couch.
Back at SUR (you remember SUR, that place where all of these people are supposed to work at) Scheana tells Lisa Vanderpump that she spoke with Stassi and she actually believes that Stassi was genuinely sorry. That’s pretty interesting since I don’t actually remember Stassi giving an apology for anything, but whatevs. Lisa wonders how self-serving all of it may be. They both agree that Katie had more invested in her own Stassi relationship and that that whil be a much larger hurdle for Stassi to jump but they both seem to think it’s an inevitable conversation.
Jax is back behind the bar and he and Tom1 chit chat about upcoming parties and responsibilities. Tom1 mentions his band and how he has to meet with producers, etc and Jax talking heads about how he is so fed up with hearing about Tom1s band. I’m not doubting that Tom1 probably brings it up a lot, because he totally looks like the type of dude who talks about his band, but we the audience have heard nothing about it so it plays kinda petty and selfish on screen when Jax says it.
Jax and the Toms show up at Villa Rosa with some of their old clothes to donate to the charity that Ken and Lisa are working with. Tom2 heads downstairs to speak with Lisa and admits that yes, this is the second time that he is has backed out of committing to something LVP is involved in. I think ultimately, Tom2 is doing okay financially right now. Not great, but okay. He can pay the bills. And like many pretty boys in LA, he isn’t thinking too far beyond the end of his shoes. He has the PumpRules money, and he has his modeling money and that’s fine enough for right now. Katie and LVP of course know better.
So Kristen goes to some LVP restaurant party with her new BF Carter who she met on Tinder. Ariana and Tom1 are also there and Ariana notes that K-Star is once again at a party that she has not been invited to, that is being hosted by her ex employer, where her very recent ex-boyfriend is DJ-ing at, and she has brought this random new dude to. Yeah, because Kristen is a Boss Bitch.
James is in this episode for about 5 seconds and it’s great because literally no one needs to see his side-show caricature drawn face.
Katie calls Tom2 out for quitting LVP Sangria. She says that she is worried about having bet everything on the guy who is scared to commit to anything #UmmTooLate. Tom2 says that he has never not paid his bills so Katie should ease up. And I get that, but also that’s not looking towards the future. And then Katie tells my sweet Tom2 that what he did was a pussy-ass move. And that’s fucked up. First of all, you don’t talk to the person you love like that. Secondly, yeah no…back to the first thing, you just don’t say that. Katie then says that she had to give up her dreams of acting and modeling so Tom2 should too. Except that Katie never had any success with those dreams and Tom2 has had at least some moderate success. AH HAH. So really, this whole thing is about Katie and her own personal failures. Katie couldn’t make a living at acting and modeling, so no one can unless they are Johnny Depp famous. What a Bitter Betty. When Katie says “I want Tom to get into his head that he is capable of so much more than what he is doing now” what she is actually saying is “Tom isn’t good enough at his chosen profession to make it so he needs a new plan”. And that’s pretty shitty. Especially coming from someone with the world’s worst nose ring.
Also happening at the party, Brittany admits to Ariana that Jax will be purchasing her new boobs. Ariana says in a talking head that maybe Jax should just date a lump of clay that way he can mold it into someone who says what he wants and does what he wants and looks how he wants, but that unfortunately he is dating Brittany. I say that if Ariana is right and if that’s truly what he wants, then he nail it. Well played Jax, Brittany is a lovely clump of clay.
At the after party at Scheana and Shay’s apartment, Katie is still super annoyed about Tom2 quitting the sangria company but also about him inviting Stassi to the engagement party and she shares this with Scheana. Katie is still horrified and doesn’t trust Stassi. Even less so now that she has begun to pick off her friends like a sniper.
Brittany is due to go to the boob doc tomorrow morning and they have decided to model her new boobs off of Peter’s current girlfriend because there is nothing weird about that at all. Brittany isn’t sold on her boobs being that big but Jax feels like if he is buying them, then they should be as big as he wants them. You know, like a terrorist. Katie reminds Jax that Brittany is not his paper doll, but he says that he doesn’t want to pay for something he doesn’t like. I usually find Jax to be an affable doofus but this is a gross side of him. Tom2 says that Jax has been acting weird lately anyhow.
So Jax and the Toms sit down and talk about whats going on with the sangria biz and also the Stassi thing. Jax tries to lecture Tom2 while taking swigs out of what looks like a bottle of gin , so really he is in no position. Jax starts to give Tom2 shit about inviting Stassi to the engagement party and I think Tom1 really doesn’t want Stassi there either but he sees Tom2 getting beat up on so he sticks up for him like a good friend. Tom2 has had a rough enough night. Jax tells Tom2 that he needs to stop being manipulated and to stop being “such a pussy” and seriously? Enough with that garbage. Dick move on Jax’s part. Jax keeps it up and calls Tom2 a weak link. Tom1 keeps asking Jax to calm down but he won’t. And then Tom1 tries to use his own band as a part of an analogy and Jax HATES Tom1s band so that just sets him off more. Tom2 gets up and goes off to take a walk because he is the better of these three men.
Jax takes a giant swig off of his liquor bottle (it is gin, right? Because that’s weird…) and tells Tom1 that he needs to stop pretending like he is the #1 guy in this group because apparently Jax is. What a gross and juvenile thing to say. This is an ensemble cast. If there was a Vanderpump Rules curtain call at the end of every episode, Jax would come out at the same time as Tom and the rest of the main players. What a dick.
Look man, if it came down to it and there had to be a team captain, I would pick Tom1 and all of his hair products over Jax and his weak ass bullshit any day. #TeamTom1. Although really, Lisa Vanderpump is the #1 everything in this show and everyone else needs to cool it.
Recap written by Liz