We start things off this week with Yolanda, LVP, and Kyle at a Cryo Therapy center.  They are also joined by Daisy, Yolanda’s “health advocate”.  According to the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, a Health Advocate is “a family member, friend, trusted coworker, or a hired professional who can ask questions, write down information, and speak up for you so you can better understand your illness and get the care and resources you need – giving you a peace of mind so you can focus on your recovery.”  How does one get this gig?  You know Yolanda is paying top dollar for Daisy.  I can write down information!  I speak up all the time!  Note to self to research this career field.

LVP was under the assumption that she was just there for moral support but Yolanda says absolutely not and reminds the girls that she does this every day.  In what sort of feels like a subtle dig, LVP tells us that since Yo “looks great”, she will give it a shot.  Yolanda loves Cryo therapy.  She just loves getting into a tube and being blasted by (air?  water? slushies?) something that is -140C.  WHAT.

LVP cryo

LVP gives a strip tease and screams as she is blasted by what looks like dry ice.  She kindly tells us that the only good thing about this is seeing Yolanda laugh, even if it’s at LVP’s expense.  Yolanda is from good hardy Dutch stock and goes back for round 2 after her first go at it.  Kyle and Lisa run off to lunch.  WHERE IS DAISY?

Erika treats us to the classic Housewives Packing Party in her closet.  It’s not quite my taste (I would sell my left boob for LVP’s closet), but there are lots of fun shoes and bangles.  But my favorite piece that she has is a necklace with the word “cunty” on it.  She plans to wear this specifically around Kathryn who freaked out on her for saying “cunt” last week.  I fucking love Erika and I hate that she is a part of this snooze-fest of a season.  I would have LOVED to have seen how she mixed with Brandi or Kim.

We see a significantly less impressive packing session over at Lisa Rinna’s house.  There is no assistant or Hispanic cleaning lady in sight!  How does she manage it on her own?  Rinna calls her husband Harry briefly to check in and she tells us that she doesn’t know what to expect from the Erika Jayne show but that she’s guessing it will be on par with some late night skinamax.

Back at lunch with Kyle and Lisa, Yolanda meets up with them after her extra Cryo session.  Yolanda says that she won’t be making the trip down to San Diego with the girls to see Erika Jayne because her bedtime is 8pm.  Girl- me too. I don’t have Lyme disease, but I do have a newborn baby which is basically the same thing.

Yolanda tells the girls about her visit with Lisa Rinna and she completely re-writes history.  I don’t get it when people on these shows do that.  Jax from PumpRules is the king of this.  It’s like, um, there was a camera there.  We saw that whole interaction go down and Rinna did NOT outright accused Yo of having Munchausen’s, nor did Yolanda call her out on disrespecting her “4 year journey” with the disease.  Literally none of that happened.  The ladies try to straighten Yo out and tell her that Rinna wasn’t personally saying that Yolanda has Munchausen’s, but was repeating what she had heard.  Yolanda switches course and asks the ladies what their part in the conversation was and wonders if they stood up for her (spoiler alert, they did not).  Yo calls them out and says that they are supposed to be her “homies”.  Yolanda also calls out LVP for saying that Bella and Anwar do not have Lyme, which also isn’t exactly correct.   LVP probably shouldn’t have talked about it at all, but she did tell the group that Muhammad didn’t agree with the diagnosis.   This pisses Yolanda right the fuck off.  LVP tries to defend herself and deflect blame but Yo is having none of it.  She says that Muhammad pays the medical bills and must have just not wanted to share that info with LVP which begs the question – Did LVP specifically ASK Muhammad about Bella and Anwar, or is she just assuming that because he has never mentioned the kids having Lyme, that they must not?  Either way LVP is in a tough spot.  I think she is much closer to Muhammad in real life than she is Yolanda, but she’s on a TV show with Yo.  LVP reiterates that what she heard from Muhammad is that the kids are healthy.

LVP yolanda lunch

Oh lord, ya’ll.  Yolanda brought medical records with her.  Every time this happens on these shows it’s so uncomfortable.  It was weird when Aviva did it on RHONYC, it was even weirder when Brooks gave his “test results” to Tamra on RHOC, and now this.  LVP doesn’t want this nonsense at all.  She’s pissed.  Especially because Yolanda is insisting that LVP take the records, read them, and then publically apologize to Bella and Anwar for daring to insinuate that they might not be ill.  Look, I get that Yolanda is upset, and if I thought someone were talking about my kid’s health and misrepresenting the truth, I’d be pissed too.  But what I don’t get is why she doesn’t get Muhammad on the phone right then and there and ask him why he is telling people that the kids aren’t sick?  This seems to be a problem between these two parents, not the ladies.

LVP is pissed that her name is being put out there as one of the Lyme-deniers.  What’s sort of interesting is that Kyle and LVP seem to think that it was Lisa Rinna who told Yolanda about the Bella & Anwar situation when it was actually Erika.  Do you think Yo is protecting her friend while throwing Rinna under the bus at the same time since she doesn’t really like her anyhow?  Yolanda again tries to push the medical records onto LVP who again refuses and reminds Yolanda that it was Muhammad who said it to her.

Oh good, a scene with Kathryn and Eileen, my least favorite people on this show.  They joke about commute times because they are both as dull as dishwater.  Apparently Eileen briefly dated Kathryn’s ex.  Kathryn gets along just fine with her ex-husband so this is a non-issue and it was a million years ago.  Even the revelation that they were both dating Kathryn’s ex at the same time doesn’t ruffle any feathers.  I actually love it in the real world when women aren’t nonsensically territorial, but it makes for boring as shit television. What I do like though is how much of a fangirl Eileen is about Erika.

Kathryn’s dreamboat husband calls to update her on the repairs to their San Diego house and ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Kathryn is going to entertain the ladies while they are in town at her house that is under serious reconstruction.  This was dumb when RHOC did it at the Dubrow mansion last season and it’s stupid now.  Why would you ask your friends to spend time in a house that doesn’t have working plumbing?  You think LVP is going to use a porta-potty while wearing pink stilettos?  Or even ever at all no matter what she’s wearing?  I think not.  The ladies talk more about renovations and wall paint which is a conversation better suited for any show from my beloved HGTV.  Both ladies don’t like having a budget with house repairs but Kathryn is SHOCKED to hear that Eileen doesn’t give a fuck about handbags and would rather spend her money elsewhere.  If I had money, I would have a million awesome purses, but I respect that Eileen DGAF.  This was an incredibly boring and useless scene.  Eileen seems so sweet and nice and I’d probably really enjoy her if she were my neighbor or work friend, but without Kim there to hurl insults at her, she just falls flat on screen.

Erika likes to rent out a tour bus for when that makes more sense than flying.  On her private jet.  I want to be on Team Erika so badly it makes me want to cry.  I would gladly iron her catsuits if it meant that we got to hang out once in a while.  Her husband Tom doesn’t usually get a chance to go to the shows because he is very, very busy making that sweet Erin Brockovich money.

rinna eileen bus

The rest of the ladies are taking their own bus and Eileen is wearing a denim jumpsuit.  What IS she.  The women are educating Eileen on what it costs to buy a decent handbag ($2-5K).  Eileen calls them “superficial bitches” and my heart warms to her a bit.  Kyle tells the women about Cryo therapy and Lisa Rinna unknowingly walks into a tiger’s den by asking how Yolanda is.  LVP wastes no time and lets Lisa Rinna know about the medical records appetizers from their lunch.  Rinna of course denies any part she may have played in getting Yo all worked up, and this is actually accurate.  Erika was the one who spilled the beans but Kyle and LVP don’t know that and Yolanda absolutely led them to think it was Rinna who tattled.  Rinna also rightfully guesses that Yolanda is doing this to get back at her.  At the very least, LVP seems to believe Rinna and wonders who is the one in Yolanda’s ear.  Hmm…only one of the women is NOT on the bus… Lisa Rinna is able to do that fast math and guesses that it is Erika who is telling Yolanda.

On the way to the show, Lisa Rinna says that she has been misrepresented and vows to get to the bottom of it.  LVP, because she is a grown ass women, asks that they all just leave it alone.  Rinna insists on justice and Eileen spills the beans that Rinna believes that Erika is the one who told Yolanda.

erika dancing

The gay club that Erika is performing at is having “Pervert” night.  There are men in assless chaps dancing on stage and Erika looks awesome.  The rest of the women show up and are tickled pink by all the bare asses.  Eileen is freaking her shit because she is so excited about the show.  Her obvious adoration of Erika is Eileen’s most endearing quality.  Erika gets on stage wearing the world’s sluttiest ice dancer costume and rocks it.  The women actually seem to be having a great time.  Cut to a shot of LVP sipping tea.  Love it.  The women actually seem pretty supportive of the show and dance it up.

After the show, the women join Erika on the bus and Lisa Rinna is excited to have a rockstar moment.  Kathryn and Kyle start giving Erika shit for the “cunty” necklace (can someone please get me one for my birthday?  March 14th) but Erika’s #1LadyFan Eileen steps in and tells them that its just a word and that they should all chillax.  In a talking head, Eileen tells the girls to stop being so cunty.  This is Eileen’s best epsode this season.

LVP kyle erika

All the ladies have the world’s lamest afterparty in Erika’s hotel room and Lisa Rinna starts the fun right off by confronting Erika about the Bella-Anwar situation.  This is wildly inappropriate.  Erika just treated them to an awesome night and then she has to get ambushed and deal with this garbage?  Come to the rescue, Eileen!  Erika denies it to the group but admits it in the talking head.  Ugh.  I’m bummed because on the one hand, I really feel like Erika could hold her own in this situation and defend herself pretty simply.  If someone was saying that kind of stuff about my kids, I would hope that a friend would tell me.  As far as I’m concerned, nothing Erika did was wrong.  But denying it now puts her in a crappy position with the women.  On the other hand, I can see why she wouldn’t want to get into it right now.

After tossing it up and around like the world’s most obnoxious game of hackey sack, the women decide to drop it.  And by that I mean, they keep talking about it while saying “I’m over it” and “it’s done”.  Lying to this group of women is a rookie mistake, but Erika is a rookie.  She isnt used to this garbage.  And in that way, I almost hope that she doesn’t come back next season because everyone on this show always seems to change from season 1 to season 2.  They learn to play the game more and it’s always a bit less genuine.

And lastly, the women knock over a cart of roomservice and don’t bother to clean it up.  Bitches.

Recap written by Liz 

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