We start off in Kristen’s apartment where Stassi is laying in Kristen’s bed. Kristina Kelly (Brainless Stassi Minion #1) knocks on Kristen’s door, and Stassi runs across Kristen’s carpeted floor to answer it. That was just a reminder that Stassi is still living in Kristen (you remember Kristen, the girl who slept with Stassi’s ex, twice)’s apartment. But as it turns out, living in Kristen’s apartment is awesome and means living mostly alone with a drunken maid-fairy that twirls in at 6am to clean up. I’m with Stassi on this one. Kristen DOES sound like the world’s best roommate. And can I just say, it is SOOOO nice to have Stassi back. It’s a breath of fresh air, and that it HAS to be pissing Scheana off is merely a bonus for me.
The girls talk about Stassi’s meeting with Lisa which Stassi says was the worst experience ever. I, however, would gladly “give birth to a dump truck” just to hang out with LVP and have her yell at me for 30 minutes to an hour. Kristina relays the message that Katie is still not interested in a reconciliation which is ridiculous because like Stassi says, it’s not like she’s running sprinklers in the drought! All she did was demand an apology for something that didn’t warrant one, and then drop her best friend like a bad habit- and tell a few people to fuck off (seriously, so glad she is back). Kristina suggests that Stassi reach out to Katie’s loved ones, which strikes me as more than a bit manipulative, but whatever.
Scheana goes over to Katie’s apartment to help her plan the Pucker and Pout launch party. At first, I thought Katie was wearing a bump-it, which would have been rad, but her hair is just up in the stylishly messy-on-purpose way, which I have never been able to pull off. Again, did Katie get new teeth? Our very own AC is an oral pathologist so I will defer to her on this one. I’m not really sure who encouraged Katie to start a fashion blog. Style by Stassi sort of made sense because Stassi typically looks pretty put together, but Katie has made the most egregious style fails in the history of this show (Season 2’s “blonde” disaster comes to mind as well as the nose ring better fit for a tiny cow). The Toms enter and the group discusses Stassi’s inevitable party crashing of either the P &P event, or Katie’s engagement party. For the record, Stassi doesn’t strike me as the party crashing type. Kristen? Absofrickinlutely. But I feel like Stassi was raised better than that. Kristen is legit invited to both events so the security team that Scheana threatens to hire won’t have to worry about her.
Max and James meet up with Lisa at the dentist to get Max’s “dodgy teeth” fixed. Lisa thinks she is the only one who wants to kiss her son, but in THE BIGGEST SURPRISE TWIST EVER- Max and Faith are no more and Max has moved on to someone else. I’m going to give everyone a minute to mourn the loss of what was possibly the greatest love story ever told. Romeo & Juliet, Noah & Allie, Jack & Rose, and Max & Faith; all tragic love stories. RIP dumbest plotline of this whole season. Anyhoo, James drops the bomb that Max is seeing an older girl (26?), while Max mumbles incoherently, desperately trying to get James to stop talking about it while the dentist is all up in his grill. James says he likes younger girls (15?) and Kristen was the exceptional cougar to this rule. Lisa rightfully calls out their relationship as toxic and doesn’t know why James would drunk text Kristen, as he did the night before. James refers to the relationship he had with Kristen as both “real” and “loving”. So, yeah. As always, spot-on analysis by James. James also got himself in some trouble by texting Lala. When are they going to make that Breathalyzer phone that doesn’t let you make calls or texts if you’re over the legal limit?
Back at SUR, Scheana rolls some silverware while Lala lets tells her about The Text. Side note- I love it when we see the PumpRules cast doing actual server or bartender work. I’m about 5 years out from my last server job, but I still remember the monotony of sidework- silverware rolling in particular. Lala tells us about her football player ex-boyfriend Hayes, who she still holds a candle for and when he is in town, they “get freaky”, which apparently means rim-jobs (this according to Faith who told James that Lala kissed the brown starfish and then hung out with James the next night). I’ve never given a rim-job (because, ew), but I’ve received one or two and after you get past the ick factor and assuming you’ve showered very recently, they can be a fun time. Sorry, TMI? Anyhow, as we bounce back and forth between Scheana and Lala at SUR and Lisa, James, and Max at the dentist we learn that Lisa is horrified by both rim-jobs and rude sexist text messages like the one James sent to Lala that was paragraphs and paragraphs of slut-shaming and nasty behavior in general. James is such a horror show. And I typed that before the exchange he has with LVP where he DARES to say that if he were to go back to being a busboy as opposed to the DJ, Pump would somehow lose business. Yep. Thank god Lisa Vanderpump has scrawny little shit-squeak James there to keep the bills paid. How would she ever find another DJ in LA? Max, again with the passion and gusto of Willy Wonka trying to stop the deaths of minors, tells James that “It’s fine, relax”. Where the fuck does this little prick (literally) get off? Lisa says he needs to get back in his “pram”, which even some of us who aren’t English know means stroller. LVP FTW always.
Back at SUR, Katie comes up to James and Faith to give them a formal un-invitation. What? Who does that? And I get not wanting James there, but what did Faith do? Katie says she hope they understand, and Faith says that they do, but I do not. Is there a set number of people she can invite? Is the party for white Americans only? This is stupid.
Ah, okay, so Lala helps us understand because she comes up to Katie and asks about her lack of invitation. Katie says she doesn’t want any drama, and then quickly follows up with “it’s strictly a capacity thing”. Bullshit. Lala is understandably hurt, but then again, she got naked and almost naked in front of Tom2 which is probably the worst thing you could ever do, according to Katie. It’s such a terrible mistake that not even Katie herself will get naked in front of Tom2. If Tom2 never saw a boob again ever in his life, that would be Katie’s dream world come true. Lala tells us a sad story about kids at her school humiliating her at a party and it just reminds me that the number one goal with my son is to make him “not an asshole”. Kids are the worst. Katie says she can only have 30 people on the guest list. What? Is this party being held at a bodega?
Jax and Brittany hang out on his stoop, which Jax is for some reason thrilled by. They discuss his case, and Jax hopes for a slap on the wrist instead of Hawaiian jail time and more fees. Fortunately, Brittany has that sweet sweet Hooters money to supplement Jax’s current lack of income due to his SUR suspension. Britt-Britt’s parents aren’t happy with Jax and don’t feel like drinking is an excuse because as she tells us, her parents don’t drink- which means that they are my least favorite type of Southerners. Side note- someone should tell Jax that Catholics drink. It’s literally part of their church service. My guess is Brittany’s parents are Baptist. I grew up Methodist which means I was allowed to drink and I also attended a million potluck dinners. It’s sort of our thing. That, and a moderate to low amount of faith and religious practice.
Kristen is out on a date with Aleks! From Season 1 of Below Deck! I love it when my bravo shows have crossovers. That said, I will never forgive Aleks for letting Sam get her share of the tips after she fucked off during a charter, especially after he told Adrienne that he wouldn’t. I’m clearly still not over that. Aside from all that, Aleks is a good looking guy who has a great career; which means he is way out of Kristen’s league… I think he is just trying to get back on Bravo and I blame him not at all for this.
Katie invites Lisa to the Pucker & Pout party and Lisa adorably offers her the staff discount on appetizers for the party after Katie says (proudly, I think) that she is paying for everything herself. This warms my cold heart to Katie a tiny bit because everyone is always asking for freebies from Lisa. I think it makes LVP proud as well. Lisa tells Katie that Stassi has returned and was begging for forgiveness. Katie, quite correctly, tells us how her entire relationship with Stassi was one-sided and completely on Stassi’s terms. As boring and useless as I mostly think that Katie is, I think not being friends with Stassi has been really good for her. I just don’t want her to fall into the same rut with Scheana.
At Sur, Lala confronts James for his gross text message. She says he drunk texts her a lot and most of the time it’s petty, immature, and rude. Lala, who is hands down the strongest women on this show with the obvious exception of LVP, tells James that when he speaks to her like that, it’s unacceptable. James whines that what she does with other people one day might be none of his business, but he doesn’t want her to hook up with him the next day. Lala verbally bitch-slaps him and reminds him that they’ve talked about this. Multiple times. My theory is that no one has ever bothered to lick James’ asshole and he is jealous. But that’s silly because really, James is one giant asshole so touching him at all is akin to him getting his salad tossed. Lala also reminds James that he tried to hook up with her the day after he was with Lauren and she didn’t ask specifics on what they did. My question is, how much time would James like Lala to wait? What’s the acceptable amount of cooling-off period between licking one dude’s bum and then making out with another? And wouldn’t a series of Listerine sessions and some solid time spent with a toothbrush be more effective than waiting a certain amount of hours?
Back at Kristen’s apartment with professional squatter Stassi, Kristen shares the drunk text from James. “How do you not still love me”, he asks, with a kissy face emoji. Nice. James is a world-class adult. Stassi says that missing the P&P party hurts almost as much as missing the engagement. She was there when Katie started the blog and she helped her with photo session and putting it all together. Kristen suggests reaching out to Tom2 (why? When in the real world would this ever be a normal thing to do?). Stassi, correctly, says that that feels weird but is open to it and is willing to give it a shot since she and Tom2 were friends too – although I don’t really remember that at all. She and Tom2 were friend-ly, certainly. But it seemed like that was just in the context of him being her best friend’s boyfriend. Ultimately though, I think this isn’t a terrible plan because Tom2 is weak and easily manipulated.
James meets up with Max at SUR and admits that he was rude to LVP and that he feels bad. Max shrugs this off, WHICH IS WRONG. James should apologize, or at least write a letter like he did back in season 3. James is a crazed Bitter Betty about the Lala situation and Max contributes heavily and meaningfully to this conversation by giving the occasional “yeah”. James says that the Lala situation has made him miss Kristen. He says that he is still in love with Kristen and he wants to make it work. Is there anything about James that feels genuine? No. The answer is no. He’s heard that Kristen will be at the P&P launch party so he plans to crash it and since Max apparently owes him a favor (what? More info on that please), they are both going to go.
At the Pucker & Pout party, there is a Braid Bar and a Brow Bar. We see Tom1 at the Brow Bar explaining his usual brow routine to the technician. He refers to this as “basic upkeep”. Tom1 is an interesting creature. He is sort of the poster child for “metrosexual”. No girl he dates will ever have as many hair care products or styling routines as he has. And yet, I have no doubt that he is completely straight. This is also more than just a male model thing. Tom1 cares about his appearance as much if not more than most aging Real Housewives.
During an interview, Katie says that one of her girlfriends inspired her to put all of her beauty tricks out into the world. I’m guessing she means Stassi? If so, it’s nice of her to say this even if they aren’t still friends. Credit where credit is due. Or maybe in this case, blame. Tom2 is behind the (actual) bar and I hope he doesn’t have a panic attack. #NeverForget. Lisa and Ken show up and Lisa is adorably proud of Katie. Dammit. I want Lisa to be proud of me.
James and Max show up and James readily admits to Scheana that he has crashed this party soley to talk to Kristen. He gets 2 (ONLY 2!) points from me for being brazenly honest. James rudely approaches Kristen and Aleks and claims to be a respectful man (no, and no) and asks to speak to Kristen outside. Sidenote- every time Kristen says “suck a dick”, my heart grows. The exception to this rule is when she said it to Diana, her manager. Not cool. But always cool when she says it to James.
James is shocked that Kristen is acting so standoffish to him. Has she managed to clean off all of his spit from her door yet, I wonder? She tells him she is happy and he says that exactly what unhappy people say! What do actually happy people say then? Or do they not speak at all and just whistle like Bobby Mcferrin? James wants to “hug it out and be chill”. Kristen does not. James flips his shit and Kristen tells him he doesn’t get to raise his voice at her. James denies his voice is raised, while his voice is raised. Kristen claims to be totally over it. James (who please remember is here to win Kristen back) tells her to shut up, that he is a man, and calls Aleks ugly. If James were a natural-born American citizen, I would tell him to run for president because I feel like he could do really well if the current polls are to be believed.
Tom2 tells Tom1 that he has received the inevitable Stassi text. Tom1 tells Tom2 that Stassi is ultimately out for herself and that when they were friends, she never did anything nice for him which I believe. I don’t think Stassi is the type of girl who has guy friends. She has girlfriends who have boyfriends with whom she is friendly, but I don’t think Stassi has ever bro’d-down. Tom1 suggests that Tom2 tell her to fuck off. Tom2 is not so sure because he has the Bravo producers breathing down his neck and his dad-bod modeling gigs aren’t going to pay the bills forever.
Tom2 tells Katie that he is going to sit down with Stassi and talk to her and OH MY GOD WHAT IS KATIE WEARING. I thought it was a poorly shaped dress and not the hideous romper that it actual is. This is what she wears to the launch party of her beauty and style blog? Does Katie have no gay friends? What the fuck?! Say what you want about Stassi’s friendship with Katie, but she never would have allowed Katie to leave the house in that piece of shit. Anyhow. Tom2 admits part of his motivation is curiosity. Katie isn’t stopping this meeting from happening for the exact same reason. She wants to know what Stassi has to say, but can’t lose face and meet with her herself.
“How has life fucked me sideways that I’m sleeping on my former archenemies couch?” Stassi asks us. We see most of her bare ass as she gets ready to go see Tom2. She says that she and Tom2 were always close. To prove this, we see an old scene of Tom2 jokingly insulting her and Stassi giving an impatient “what the fuck” look. You know, like close friends do. She says she has always loved him. Tom2 also says they were close. What? I don’t remember that at all.
Tom2 comes to this meet up wearing a backwards meshed baseball cap (style tip from Pucker & Pout, perhaps?), and Stassi admits to drinking all day because she feels like she is going to shit her pants (all the alcoholic viewers nod their heads knowingly). To Tom2’s credit, he does exactly what I would want my boyfriend to do in this situation. He appropriately calls Stassi out for her bullshit. He admits that her behavior could be endearing at times which is what made the bitchy awfulness allowable, but after what she did to Katie, the endearing part is gone. And he doesn’t trust her motives and asks her to have some humility and get some perspective. Stassi tries to come back with her classic “did I kill your dog?” line, and Tom2 shuts that shit down immediately by saying that if she tries to get defensive, he is out of there. Stassi admits that her tendency to cut people out swiftly and with abandon in order to protect herself is actually a fault. Tom2 tells Stassi that Katie not responding to her isn’t out of malice, but indifference, which he correctly identifies as much, much worse. Stassi breaks down and admits that all she wants is to be Katie’s friend and to be able to call her and just sit on the couch and do nothing. But Tom2 reminds her that that is the best part of relationships- the ease and intimacy of doing nothing together- and he asks what she threw that away for? Stassi replies that she “didn’t value history”. Damn. Say what you want about Stassi’s motives behind this whole thing, but that is incredibly reflective and mature. Yes. That is exactly correct. She didn’t value the history that she had with Katie. If she had, she wouldn’t have tossed Katie aside for the Miami trip. She had a right to be hurt, I think, but she wasn’t looking at the years and years of credit in the bank that Katie had built up.
Tom2 calls this a good conversation and invites Stassi to their engagement party; you know, like a crazy person. Stassi would prefer to talk to Katie before that; you know, like a not crazy person. But Tom2 says that there’s no way that’s going to happen. So I guess Stassi is invited-slash-crashing the engagement party? Ugh. I was so proud of Tom2 for how he handled this conversation until that last minute.
Next week: everyone calls Tom2 a pussy and Jax claims to be the #1 guy in their group, specifically over Tom1.
Recap written by Liz