1. OK so maybe a bitch IS one, but only because I have to address this. I would rather start my list with Scheana; however, your epic rant is unparalleled so I will start with Stassi, the true star of PumpRules. She is in this episode for 2 scenes. The first lasts 3 minutes and 45 seconds; the second for 4 min, 49 seconds. Deserving of an episode title that is not. However, she’s the star. And as long as we are discussing her, I will say I’m totally on board with her being mad at Katie if things went the way Stassi thinks/says. I’d have cut that bitch off too. However, being friends with Katie has to mean you know Katie is going to do whatever is nearest to her says to do, so maybe Stassi should cut her a break?

2. Which leads me to Kristen. As you know, I have been a pariah in my LOVE AND OBSESSION with her. I stood by her with the Jax thing for reasons which have been previously discussed. I was there for the crazy Tom1-Ariana thing because, as I have discussed at length, I think people see things they hate about themselves in her and that’s why they hate her. What person hasn’t (or at least has a friend that has) acted like a completely insane person over a guy? That all being said, I’m starting to drift off. She’s becoming increasingly irrelevant. No one is more sad about that than me, but she’s starting to reek of desperation to stay on the show. Also, Stassi calling her out for being a complete push-over was completely warranted. Call your own damn Uber, gel-haired gap-tooth guy-with-girlfriend guy. (My notes literally say “teeth = no bueno”.) I’m not having these excuses either. “He doesn’t know where he’s going.” Yeah. That’s part of the point of a cab. Dummy. Sidebar: Kristen definitely slept with Jax while she was with Tom1, but I think Stassi & Jax were broken up. We need to fact check this because it comes up more than once. Also, people forget at the beginning of season 2, Kristen was so sullen because Tom1 cheated on her in Vegas, and not with Ariana!!
3. Brittany looks more beautiful every episode. However, I am OVER people shying away from calling her dumb. Homegirl is DUMB. That’s ok. Brains is not her strong suit; thinking isn’t for everyone. Remember how she dressed in what can only be described as slutty pajamas for her meeting with God Damn Queen Lisa Vanderpump?! Also, Jax says something about how she didn’t let the LaLa thing ruin the trip. Want to know why? Because she’s forgotten why she was so mad already. Her brain physically cannot hold it in. She remembers the bulk of what happened, but the details are hazy.
4. That brings me to LaLa. I agree with my friend Lauren’s theory for all that insane makeup (#methface). However, She has never looked better than when she was crying. I think it is because her makeup was gone. Also, she’s definitely trying WAY too hard to appeal to a certain genre. That referee dress and 10 foot-in-diameter hoop earrings were ridiculous at best. James calling her a pain in the ass was awful, but that’s because James is awful. Her drinking directly out of the watermelon while someone was toasting was awesome. She is my new favorite, which disappoints me because I know from social media that she and Kristen do not get along. Also: Lala’s bikini was FINE. Everyone is JEALOUS of her. I would be too. Seriously.
5. Peter gives shitty toasts.
6. I can’t even talk about this whole Max-Faith thing. Who decided this should be a thing? It’s not a thing. But if I were Faith, I’d literally give him my own teeth if it meant a part of the VanderPie
7. Kristen’s face looks like that in interviews because of the accident involving an Uber and karma.
8. Max’s exclamation of, “hey. relax.” is EXACTLY like the scene from Willy Wonka (the orig, of course), and you are a mad genius for knowing that.
9. I’m also ok with Tom1 bringing up Scheana’s marriage during their sit-down chat. I know that is controversial. I think the point was that if she is going to talk to Ariana’s mom (OFF CAMERA no less!) then her marriage is fair game. Also, she says in her talking head that it’s none of his business. Um. WHAT. It is ABSOLUTELY his business; she made it that way! I was so confused by this. Again, you described her awful-ness best so I’ll let our readers (all 3 of you) re-read your points about Scheana and why she is the WORST. She’s worse than James at this point.
10. To circle back to the beginning of the post, and to touch on the Scheana affair: ok, first: why didn’t Kristen stalk this guy appropriately? YOU HAVE FACEBOOK. How does Stassi come up with this information before Kristen? Also, Scheana may not have known AT FIRST this gross Eddie/Eddy/Who fucking cares about his name guy was married, but I guarantee no one with half a brain cell dates someone for TWO years without know he is married, especially in this day and age.

I have so so so so many more thoughts but I tried to keep it to ten.

10Thoughts written by Kerry