This week’s ‪#‎PumpRules‬ 10Thoughts Recap is a long one. My apologies. Here goes:

1. Let’s just start things off with my weekly rant about how terrible Scheana is:

a. Scheana- the second you say “if” in an apology, it’s not an apology. “I’m sorry for upsetting you” is an apology. “I’m sorry if I upset you” isn’t taking responsibility. Scheana is the WORST apologizer. The worst.

b. “If you don’t want to be called cocky, don’t act like it” Sure, except that Scheana freaks out when people on social media or WWHL call her out for being horrible and always whines about how we have no idea what’s Really Going On in her life.

c. “I need someone to talk to about what just happened but I have a drunk husband” again, great priorities. And she’s the one who wrote these vague as shit rules about  his drinking. You don’t get to fill him with tampon tequila one day and then balk when he is drinking the next day.

d. “I just felt like you weren’t listening to me” -Scheana “Yes I was, but you weren’t listening to me”. YES SHAY. YAAAASSSS. Scheana, you can’t ask your addict husband to drink in moderation. Not being able to do something in moderation is literally what being an addict means. But Scheana wants Shay to drink or not drink when it’s convenient for her. That said I really like her blue glasses. I hate myself for that though.

f. I’m disappointed in Shay not sticking up for Tom1 even a little. I’m not even remotely surprised, but disappointed all the same. By all accounts, Tom1 has been a good friend to Shay. But not a chance he can speak up with Scheana holding his balls and his liquor consumption in her handbag.

g. Scheana, don’t “feel bad for” Lala. Girl has a bangin’ body and the confidence to wear dental floss. And yes Scheana, you WERE the new girl who everyone called a slut. And why did they call you that? Oh yeah. Because you slept with a married man for two years (and I refuse to believe that she didn’t know he was married in the age of Google- the man has a god damn imdb page). Lala hasn’t slept with anyone yet- not that that would even make her a slut.

h. Kristen throwing Scheana under the bus regarding the sex tape was interesting. But since I hate Scheana, I’m all for it. If you had told me last season that Scheana had shown the sex tape to people even though she denied it, I would have believed Scheana. But now? Now that I’ve seen Scheana backstab people she calls her actual friends? Why WOULDN’T she show people the StaXXXi ™ tape? Now, that does put the Katie-going-to-Miami thing in a different light IF Katie knew that Scheana had shown the tape around. If not, I still say Katie did nothing wrong. And considering what she was going through with Tom2, I could still maybe excuse it.

i. Tom throwing Shay under the bus when talking to Scheana was a shady move. Although someone does need to tell her that she is a horrible wife and person. Since I live the closest to LA out of the three of us, I guess it’s going to have to be me.

j. And lastly, Scheana’s voice has been slowly heading into Fran Drescher territory lately. This is not helping my general hatred of her.

2. I loved Lala calling Jax out for being like a serial killer. It reminded me of that part in Andy Cohen’s book where he talks about being weirded out that Jax had no remorse about sleeping with Kristen. I did NOT love James trying to hook up with Lala while she’s crying and then yelling at her for being a tease and for talking to Jax. But I DID love Max saying “Hey calm down” with the same forceful passion as Willy Wonka’s “wait stop come back”. (The OG Wonka. Not that “I’m Tim Burton and I have daddy issues”, piece of garbage movie.)

3. Like Tom2, I also love the ocean but have the VERY RATIONAL FEAR that sharks will eat me. Did you see that article about the woman who found a shark IN HER POOL?! It was the greatest fear of my childhood, realized. Also- I’m always impressed by surfing. Always. I have trouble not falling flat on my face when standing on solid ground because I have no core strength and zero center of gravity. This admiration also applies to skiing (snow and water), rollerblading/skating, skateboarding, and while not balance related, I’m also always blown away by sleight of hand card tricks (‪#‎FunLizFacts‬).

4. EIGHT DAYS SINCE THE TOMKAT ENGAGEMENT AND NO SEX. “I would rather be on the beach with my friends than in the room banging.” Oh Katie. Way to pinpoint the problem. And that IS a problem. I love my friends. I love the beach (sharks notwithstanding). But all of that can wait an hour so that I can have sex with my man. Because I love having sex with him. Because we have, you know, a good relationship. But if you would rather hang out with your friends than bone your dude, maybe you shouldn’t get married to him. And it would be one thing if they were both a-sexual. But Tom2 does keep bringing it up for a reason. Even if that reason is to convince his #pumprules-watching parents that he is straight.

5. Very happy that Stassi is back. That said, Kristen is completely right in telling her that going from living together to then no longer living together is breaking up without having the balls to break up. Loved Stassi’s ‘is tongue on the menu because that’s what I’m biting’ comment in regards to Kristen’s “I don’t let people cheat with me” line. I’ve missed Stassi’s weird expressions. Also- who makes out in public when they’re at a table with a single other person? Weird move, Doute & beard guy. Side note- in Stassi’s confessional, did it look like she went overboard on the lip plumping or was that just the glossy lipstick she is wearing? (I’m pretty sure I know the answer)

6. I’m desperately coveting LVP’s flamingo floatie. Ryan won’t let me buy lawn flamingos and it kills me.

7. I was trying to figure out what Faith’s hair reminded me of and then I realized it’s exactly the same as the hair that’s attached to my Halloween witch’s hat. ‪#‎notcute‬

8. WHOA HOOPS. I was gonna say that Lala looked like she was working at the foot locker in Spanish Harlem at that dinner but… was that Hebrew on her sleeve? And then Tom2 calls her out for dressing conservatively. Girl can’t win.

9. Jax has done some truly horrendous things. Being a pathological liar and sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend while said friend is asleep in the other room, are two things that come to mind. Drunkenly stealing a pair of sunglasses, while legally worse, is pretty low on the totem pole in my opinion. Also- next week’s preview of Lisa being shocked that Jax stole something…um, hasn’t she been in his apartment and seen what looks like half the SUR stockroom?

10. Sometimes I forget that these people are in their 30s (minus a few exceptions). And then they say things like “…to make it in time for Third Eye Blind tomorrow”.

Welp. That’s all for this week, folks! .

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