1. Every episode I see makes me believe more and more that Katie and Tom2 have some “arrangement” so that he can convince his ultra conservative parents that he is straight to inherit their fortune. There is no real chemistry between them. Tom2 is super cute and Katie should be boning him if it was something that either of them wanted. Katie is not interesting or cute enough to keep the attention of a straight Tom2. Everyone owes me drinks in a few years when he is caught having a gay affair. Extra proof: He got “bubba” tattooed on his ass. Not Katie, but bubba. I know it their pet name for each other, but that seems more like a convenient excuse to me.
2. The text from Stassi felt genuine to me. While I’m sure she just wanted to get back on the show, I don’t think the motivation for the text was that. I’ve texted ex friends when I heard about something positive in their lives, and for all of her many faults, Stassi’s relationships never felt fake to me. I think she is friends with people because she actually likes them (or they bow down to her) and I think she is enemies with people when she feels legit betrayed by them (whether or not she actually was betrayed).
3. Katie is such a follower. If everyone was cool with Stassi again, she would totally re-friend her. She is only staying “strong” because she was applauded for cutting her off last season. That’s why she is so hard on Ariana and Tom1 for not moving on with Kristen. Katie follows the tides of her friends. She’s weak. And she needs to get that cow ring out of her nose. Her hair looks good this episode though.
4. I have 2 versions of those new SUR dresses. One is a cherry pattern and the other one has citrus on it. They are my favorite dresses. Mostly because I desperately wish I were a 50s housewife.
5. Scheana’s inch long fingernails freak me out. Nails that long are gross and completely unnecessary.
6. When I had really short hair, I used to flip out the ends just like Peter does with his new haircut. It was a better look on me.
7. I get that the SUR uniform is usually pretty skimpy, but was Lala just wearing a bra? She was. It was just a bra.
8. I don’t know what Scheana is talking about. I could definitely win an argument with Ariana. But that’s only because I’m like, the smartest person I’ve ever met. Sooooooo………..
9. Jesus. Scheana is SUCH a triangulate-r. It’s like she is trying to start shit with Ariana just to have something to talk about with Katie (because lord knows Scheana doesn’t give a fuck about anyone’s wedding that isn’t her own).
10. LVP is the type of friend/mentor that needs to have her ass kissed in order for you to stay in her good graces and I would spend all my free time applying chapstick just to make sure my lips were silky smooth anytime I was in her presence. Because that’s how you get your hotel room upgraded to a suite on birthday vacations.
11. Katie and Kristen making up makes sense to me. They were legit friends for a while. And Katie only stopped being friends with Kristen out of loyalty to Stassi. So this works for me. Kristen being friends with the rest of them is nonsense. Although Jax is the worlds biggest people pleaser (um really Jax? James dresses up like he’s from Miami Vice and says pretty please and you fold? Weak ass mother effer…) so I understand him making up with her as well.
12. You’re a mouth doctor so you tell me- have Katie’s teeth always been this large, or did she get caps? I can’t remember.
13. Kristen looks the prettiest she has ever been this season.
14. Lala’s boobs are awesome. AWESOME.
15. Okay. I hate James. I think his face looks like a boardwalk cartoonists caricature come to life. That said, I don’t care how small a man’s dick is, you NEVER go public with that information unless he has severely wronged you. The only other time you ever go public about how big a guy’s dick is, is when it’s huge. Obvi you tell your girlfriends if it’s small, but bitch knows she is on TV. That’s some shady, shady shit. Especially, ESPECIALLY if you haven’t slept with him yet. I’m sure there are lots of gentlemen who are aware of their…shortcomings… and know exactly how to make up for it in the sack. -10 points for Slytherin thanks to Lala.
16. Jesus Christ Scheana! You TEXTED BRITTANY about Lala wanting to flirt with Jax? What. The. Fuck.
17. Max didn’t faint. LVP pushed him because she didn’t want him to go on this trip. Nice try, LVP.
18. Did I just watch Scheana “jokingly” say “don’t ask for any” to her ADDICT husband regarding Max’s pain pills? SCHEANA IS THE FUCKING WORST.
19. Faith and Max are not hooking up. There is zero chemistry there. Which is still more sexual chemistry than Katie and Tom2 have.
20. -5 points for Hufflepuff, thanks to Scheana for repeating the “james has a small dick” thing. It’s only -5 instead of -10 because Lala said it first in front of cameras so it wasn’t a Secret-secret, but it’s still a bitch ass move. For serious? I hate Scheana so much.
21. If I had Lala’s body I would never wear clothes. Even if it meant I was arrested. And then, on the date of my court hearing, I would also not wear clothes. Which would be the sole piece of evidence for my defense as to why I wasn’t wearing clothes.
23. Haha- Jax wishing that James ends up in jail. HA.
24. If Ariana doesn’t rip Scheana a new asshole at the reunion, then she is NOT the smartest person she has ever met.
25. I’m actually excited about the return of Stassi.

This list has been brought to you by the greatest quote of the night, even if it was technically from a “coming up this season” preview.

“I’m the white Kanye West” – James. AMAZING.